S4E10: "Rainbow Falls"
On the down side, I couldn't get to the review on Friday due to reasons I've mentioned elsewhere.
On the up side, I have changed my avatar/morphed my form into something much more...aesthetically pleasing...than what I had before. Don't ask where this face comes from.
Anyways, on to bigger and better things. This, is "Rainbow Falls".
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Wait, this is "Rainbow Falls"?
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AwwwwwwwwwwwwwwFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
This episode goes down in infamy as one of the absolute worst episodes of the series, and given I'm that guy who thinks "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" is the worst thing ever and finds equally shit episodes in every season of this godforsaken show, I'm very intrigued to figure out how "Rainbow Falls" manages to fuck shit up today. Here we fucking go.
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So this atrocity opens up with Rainbow Dash giving Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps a pep talk about how they're going to win their event for the Equestria Games. Instant bullshit. If you're trying to compete for the Equestria Games, why do you choose Fluttershy to be in your group? Fluttershy of all people who expressed a great fear of simply performing civic duty in "Hurricane Fluttershy". Bulk Biceps seems like a good enough choice for about two seconds until we see him try to fly. Both he and Fluttershy can barely get off the ground. TWO PROBLEMS: #1: Bulk Biceps was among the ponies to reach high levels of wingpower in "Hurricane Fluttershy" and qualified to join the Wonderbolt's Academy in "Wonderbolts Academy". How the FUCK could he do this without barely lifting himself off the ground? #2: Say he did suddenly magically earn the ability to not fly, WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE HIM AND FLUTTERSHY OUT OF THE HUNDREDS OF PEGASI IN PONYVILLE TO HELP YOUR TOWN WIN THE EQUESTRIA GAMES?! Rainbow Dash is a dumbass but she isn't a fucking retard.
We haven't even reached the title sequence. Hold on to your balls and blow me, folks.
Just so I don't have to mention it again, Applejack is a useless addition to this episode and Pinkie Pie is an annoying fuck. Yes, I actually said that.
After the title sequence makes me want to swallow a gallon-full of Ibuprofen while dry humping a goat in Saudi Arabia during an ISIS execution, even more bullshit takes place. Twilight points out Rainbow's retardation in picking Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps as competitors in the Equestria Games, to which she replies that with her on the team, she'll qualify. Ah, more of Rainbow Dash's unbelievable arrogance. Always a pleasure. Someone castrate me with a lawn mower. Fluttershy mentions she's honored to be competing for Ponyville, which is...a little offsetting at best, but anyways, Rarity is also on this train. Why? Who the fuck knows. She, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack have no use in this episode's general plot and could've been written out faster than a feminist can censor speech. They finally arrive at Rainbow Falls...I guess...I don't think they ever refer to this place by name in the episode, and people start gawking in awe at our main characters. Because guess what royalty is in their presence? You guessed it! Rainbow Dash! She's the best flyer around!
...Hmm? Princess Twilight Sparkle? What the fuck is that, some kind of new STD? I don't have it. Anyways, the Wonderbolts are here for some reason.
"We heard you guys were gathering familiar characters for no fucking reason and decided we should join you!"
So what are top notch military-grade flight EXPERTS doing competing in the Olympics, you might ask? Because fuck it! This is "Rainbow Falls", there's no time for logic or reason! Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash reminds the audience what the goal is in this episode because we've already forgotten. Dialogue, it's apparently completely useless according to Corey Powell. They want to qualify in the Equestria Games for Ponyville. Let's make sure we've got that clear, guys. They want to qualify for Ponyville. Everybody got that? Okay, good, so since they want to qualify for Ponyville, they have to be one the first four teams to cross the finish line, because apparently this is a race. Applejack shows up for some time, but she's useless. They want to qualify for Ponyville, but Rainbow Dash is finally realizing that Fluttershy and evidently Bulk Biceps are shit fliers. It's almost like this was a bad idea. However, to spice things up in the plot, Soarin trips and starts falling to his death. Unfortunately, he doesn't die and Rainbow Dash ends up catching him, only for Fluttershy to literally state what just happened. Dialogue, it's apparently completely useless to Corey Powell. Soarin's wing, on the other hand, still managed to become broken, and the Wonderbolts are suddenly down one peg. So what do they do? They try to convince Rainbow Dash to ditch her team and join the Wonderbolts.
....WOW, so the Wonderbolts are suddenly DICKS now. What a turn of events. Well since she wants to qualify for Ponyville I'm sure Rainbow Dash will tell them to fuck off, right?
...........hnnn
I give up. This episode is officially the dumbest thing in existence, and coming from Corey Powell, the most disappointing piece of writing from her. Rainbow Dash by virtue of her element as she learned twice before in the pilot and in "Wonderbolts Academy" should not be so conflicted about choosing her friends over the Wonderbolts. This would SOMEWHAT work if she was competing with any other Pegasus from Ponyville, but she's not. She's competing with Fluttershy, and that's the bullshit. Plus, if she wanted to qualify for Ponyville, why would she seriously consider joining the team for Cloudsdale? Figure out why you're here, dumbass. In the meantime, Twilight notices that Rainbow Dash is secretly competing for Cloudsdale and Ponyville and calls her out, in which Rainbow Dash pours out her soul or whatever and reveals that with her on both teams Ponyville will still qualify. This possible cleanup of the plot is instantly shattered when the Wonderbolts offer her a permanent spot on their team and she remotely considers it. When Rainbow Dash expresses excitement over the fact that they asked her, Twilight Sparkle reminds her about what's important in this plot.....................
..............Pinkie Pie won't be able to cheer for anyone, Rarity's designs would've gone to waste, and Applejack would've slaved over her treats for nothing.
RIGHT, BECAUSE PINKIE PIE, RARITY, AND APPLEJACK ARE SO IMPORTANT TO THIS STORY, HAVING ALLOTTED 90 SECONDS OF SCREENTIME TOTAL FOR THEIR FLAT-ASS RECURRING JOKES.
Life isn't worth living, so Rainbow Dash fakes an injury to give her a reason not to choose.
♪ I hate this episode yes I do. Fuck me in the ass with a rusted screw. This episode makes me crave genocide. It's time for those damn Norwegians to die. ♪
Alright, third act. Let's see how many other contrivances pop up. Inside the hospital, Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps show up to assure Rainbow Dash that she won't have to worry about being in the tryouts because they've replaced her with...Derpy Hooves. Ah, what a terrible time for fanservice. You know why? THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. This proves that there were other options for Rainbow Dash's team than Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps. These two ACCORDING TO POWELL LOGIC can't lift themselves off the ground. DERPY CAN AT LEAST DO THAT. So why didn't she choose DERPY for her team in the first place?! After all of the useless characters leave, Soarin shows his ass on the other side of Rainbow Dash's bed and reveals that his wing has healed, he's just been waiting for the Wonderbolts to let him join the team again. Two more motherfucking problems. One: what hospital lets a patient stay in a room long after they've healed? Most hospitals need the bed to, I don't know, help other patients. Two: So the Wonderbolts are not just dicks now, they're LYING, MEDDLING DICKS. Because that's what they teach you in the army. I guess the Village People were wrong, you can't put your mind at ease. So then a light shines through the window and hits a Equestria Games flag on the floor, and when Rainbow stares at-...wait, no, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS A KEY EPISODE. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS A KEY EPISOOOOOOO-
-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fucking great. So now not only is this a piece of shit episode, but it's essential to the arc of season four which means it's impossible to forget or skip. Remind you of some other episode? That's right, this is the "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" of season four. Goddammit. Let's just get this episode over with before I puke up an unborn fetus. So Rainbow Dash learns for the third time that her friends are more important than joining the winning team. Let's make this abundantly clear. She's learned this moral THREE FUCKING TIMES. Everybody got that? Good. Then there's no reason for anyone to disagree when I say that Rainbow Dash's character development is null and void. Meanwhile, the Wonderbolts are suddenly good guys again and obviously Ponyville ends up qualifying for the Equestria Games through Rainbow Dash's excellent teamwork skills. That's nice. At least the CMC competing for their slot as the flag carriers in the Equestria Games won't go to waste now, because Corey Powell also managed to forget that "Flight to the Finish" already happened. After cheerleader Twilight scars me for life, Spitfire gives Rainbow Dash a Wonderbolts pin that ends up being the key.
Go fuck yourself.
And so concludes "Rainbow Falls".
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Rainbow Falls List of Fuck-Ups
* Bulk Biceps should not be such a weak flier given his previous ability to clock major wingpower and be admitted to the WA
* Choosing Fluttershy as a competitor for the Equestria Games is retarded
* Rainbow Dash could've chosen a lot of other Pegasi that would've at least been able to fly, but she didn't because crusty splooge.
* Pinkie Pie is useless and fucking annoying, and when you make Pinkie Pie annoying, you dun goofed
* Rarity is useless
* Applejack is useless
* Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack could've been written out of this episode
* Episode acts like these three are overtly important to the plot given their minimal screentime
* Twilight Sparkle is still not acknowledged by anybody as anyone important, and is overshadowed by the presence of Rainbow Dash.
* Wonderbolts are dicks
* Wonderbolts are competing in the Equestria Games
* Any other team of characters could've replaced the Wonderbolts and not make them seem so out of character
* Dialogue means nothing in this episode
* Rainbow Dash is having trouble choosing between the Wonderbolts and her own moral compass.
* Rainbow Dash had trouble choosing between the Shadowbolts and her own moral compass in "Friendship is Magic (Part 2)"
* Rainbow Dash had trouble choosing between the Wonderbolts and her own moral compass in "Wonderbolts Academy"
* Rainbow Dash should NOT be having trouble choosing between the Wonderbolts and her own moral compass HERE.
* Rainbow Dash beats around the bush to ultimately learn the lesson she's learned twice before, leading to this episode being completely useless..
* Except this is a key episode, a major episode in the arc of season four, which is the ultimate fuck-you.
* Cheerleader Twilight. Fuck that. Fuck that to Hell and back.
1/10, suck my balls.
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