...

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... I HATE this feeling.

As many times as I've seen others here wallow in sadness & misery, I think it might be okay to vent here for a bit; not like I'm saying or doing anything original with this, after all.

And, before I begin, this is NOT a cry for attention, a self-harm warning OR any kind of declaration of 'leaving' these wonderful forums... so no worries, fellow Ponyites - I just need me some good ol' fashioned whine-time.

*ahem*

USELESS.  WORTHLESS.  SHAME.  ANGER.  DESPAIR.  LOSS.  AGONY.  TEARS.  PAIN.

PAIN.

PAIN.

PAIN.

PAIN.

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... suffering daily has become more of a norm for me this past month than I'm comfortable with. 

Sure, I have my moments - we all do - but this moment has stretched out for over a month now, and I am SO sick & tired of it.  I feel it creep up on me in the morning, sideswipe me in the afternoon, and unexpectedly slap me across the face in the evening; that's not even mentioning the occasional sucker-punch that comes at random during the course of my waking hours.

WHY am I so upset?  I won't relate that publicly; those who I've told know, those who I haven't... well, they probably shouldn't know, and it's not something I'd find appropriate to mention during this holiday season.  I do believe in merriment for the holidays... which is why I'm just not going to say it here.

But the sheer weight of my hurting has reached the level where I have actually found it necessary to blog about it - and speaking about your pain without naming it... well, it's HARD.

WHY do I keep finding all these rocks of pain in the shoes of my existence?  Can't I simply forge ahead & pretend it doesn't even exist?  I mean, you see folks do it all the time on TV, in movies and books, in those crappy little self-help books - so why is it so fucking difficult for ME to actually accomplish?

Not only that, but my music... my sweet, sweet music...

Even THAT hurts me now, with certain tunes I used to tell myself I'd never truly understand.  Music has been an ENORMOUS part of my life for such a long, long time - since I was old enough to remember - and now it feels as though even my fantasy-escape into music can't help me for long; it always comes back to THOSE songs... and I now understand & feel them more than I ever thought possible.

And it SUCKS ASS.

Every moment, I have been blasted with my sorrow... which occasionally becomes anger, or hate, or spite, or even outright rage... and it feels as though it will NEVER end.

Now, I know I won't feel like this forever.  I am well aware that I'm simply hurting, and with time & patience, the pain will lessen, become more manageable, and be just another thing I sigh over when I'm by myself.  I'm not going to end my life just because I feel bad right now - that's not only a foolish thing to do, but it also snuffs out any hope, or change, or growth that I might gain from it all. 

And far be it for me to gush on & on about how 'no one understands' or 'nobody loves me' - I KNOW folks DO care, and to say those things makes a mockery of the affection & concern they've shown me... so there's no reason for me to claim that I'm unloved.  I know folks care - it just doesn't stop the pain, sometimes.

Maybe THAT is why I'm venting here: I feel PAIN, and even after talking with others, it just needs to be somewhere besides my own noggin... so, my thought?  If I pour it out onto something else, I can lessen its' impact on my brain, heart & soul - which, in turn, will allow me to heal just a bit more, a bit further, a bit quicker than if I didn't say a single word.

PAIN SUCKS.  I have always disliked pain; pain of loved ones, pain of others, pain of self.  Pain, though a necessary part of living, takes so many forms, it would be ludicrous to attempt to list out every example, and stupid of me to think of trying to... there's not enough space on the Internet to hold a list of every pain that can possibly be; it's too much.

BUT...

As human beings, we have a number of options as to how to not only deal with pain, but LIVE with it.  Distractions such as zombifying medications, topical books written by smug-looking 'gurus', errant shock comedy, illicit substances and the ever-spinning train of alcoholism are just a few of the ways folks can make the pain lessen... but the grand idea of making pain obsolete is a lie, a sham and an outright fib, all rolled into one.

DEALING WITH YOUR OWN PAIN IS NECESSARY TO GROW.

I feel like I have to tell folks this fact all the damned time... and a number of them not only don't get it, but they REFUSE to; they would rather fall back into the habit of seeking attention than to face their pain & understand it.  And when people understand their pain better, they don't suffer as much & learn to get through the brunt of it more efficiently & quickly.  It's not a catch-all cure - it's just a part of being mature enough to accept that there WILL be pain... but you don't have to FALL to it.

Pain hurts.  Hurts so bad I sometimes wonder if it will EVER end.  But I know that it won't be this difficult everyday... and someday, hopefully soon, I'll get through the worst of it, and it will simply be a scar on my heart.  An UGLY scar, perhaps...

But a scar is a mass of healing... and it means my soul won't bleed forever.

I'll be okay... eventually... so don't cry for me; I'm doing enough of that on my own.  And each tear I shed washes away at least a tiny portion of pain from me, so tears are okay.

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... thank you, one and all, for your time, your concern, and your love. 

Excelsior, friends.