The mind is a fantastic thing. How it works is fascinating. Intelligence, rational thinking, memory, motor functions, it's all so interesting.

I mean, I have no idea how I manage to stay sane. It's probably the alcohol....but I doubt that. Strong will power is something I don't really have especially when it comes to emotions. I might be smart, not bragging at all, sure I went to college young and have my doctorate but who really cares. I'm still screwed up in the head.

Can one retain their mental stability and somehow also manage to not fall into a deep depression after a tragic incident has happened to them or they just look at life? I'm sure that's possible and I'm sure many people are very good at that. I just happen to not be one of those people.

So many intelligent people have had flaws. Tiny flaws, or large flaws but it doesn't matter. Look at Einstein or Hemmingway or Van Gogh. All geniuses in their own fields, but each were afflicted with something that made them not "normal"

I have read and studied many historic geniuses, but I just love Van Gogh. He was a fantastic artist, my favorite artist. He didn't make much money, he ended up killing himself. I know many will say he was "murdered" but I truly believe he committed suicide. He was a complex being, and one that was taken from us in such a short time.

He had some mental problems, especially with depression. Reminds me of myself, only I'm not even a fraction of the artist he was. He never did the things I did either though. We've handled depression in different ways. He ended his life and I did awful things, and tried to end my life several times. I was too afraid to do it and one time miraculously it just didn't work.

Fascinating how I'm not completely driven insane though. I just don't get it...

Long story short, I'm leaving for a good while. I've done some moronic things, and I just can't seem to keep my past from creeping back up on me. I act like a fool, I drink, the way I'm acting I will probably start smoking again. But I'm leaving, maybe for a week maybe forever I don't know.

It was fun while it lasted, I've saved money up for a plane ticket back to my home. I doubt I'll leave, but maybe my depression will get really bad and if it does then I have no choice but to go back to Russia. So I'll be back in seven days or never. Depends on how my idiotic brain decides to handle things.

I'm not trying to make this a big deal, I just want to say my goodbyes just in case I leave and decide to kill myself or something. I know that sounds stupid. I really don't want to kill myself, but my depression sometimes gets the better of me. With all the, excuse my language, shit that has happened to me I just can't decide if life is worth it anymore....I bet my brother will try and cheer me up these next couple of days.

Well, as I said: Leaving forever, or maybe just a couple days. I don't know, my mind is strange.

Love all of you, I hope you all stay good. Hope this place keeps progressing. Прощайте товарищи.