Here I go again... -_-

Is hate something that can be in a complete and pure form? Can a person hate another being with such firm feelings of disgust?

I believe so. I've felt such feelings under the influence of a wave of depression then hollowness that followed suit after December of 2006. I might have had my outlook on life changed by what happened to me. I'm sure anyone in my shoes would feel exactly the same. I mean, of course they would. You'd have to be extremely strong to not hate.

I bring up my wife a lot, and I guess I'm doing it again. After she passed away I felt measureless sadness and then complete anger and then void of emotion. I've said this before, but I became a different person. Normal me was consciously in the back of my mind while this "new me" I guess you could call it took over. I hated everyone and everything in the world. I gave up God and religion (Weird for a Communist to believe in religion, but I'm not the conventional one I guess. I like my religion a little bit) and I just gave up entirely.

Murder is a horrid thing to happen to anyone. I never thought it would affect me, but things happen that are unexpected and sudden. First few weeks after my wife's death I was inconsolable and in a state of extensive depression. Then I felt hatred. Towards her killer, towards my parents (My father never consoled me after this event and was neutral to the whole thing) towards people in general, and towards myself.

I thought of thousands of senarios that could have come to fruition. So many possibilities if I just stayed home that night instead of going out. Maybe if I died it would've been better. Things such as that. Then came a new feeling. I couldn't feel. I was numb and hollow. Pain was nothing to me at that stage. I did some foul, and horrendous things in the years following my wife's death. I regret every second of it. December of 2006 until Summer of 2008.

Regret it all. Hurt people, and enjoyed every second of it while I was doing it. Thought that everyone deserved pain after what I went through. Now I look back and realize how much of an inhuman monster I was. Makes me disgusted with myself. I'm too smart to have done it, but I did. People lose loved ones all the time and don't react like I did. I went overboard for years. I just loved my wife too much to bear with her being gone.

I still despise the person who took my wife and I'll never lose that hatred for them, but I've come to a conclusion of the matter. Anything done to the person wouldn't give me my old life back. Kill, prison, maim..whatever. It wouldn't make me feel any better. Maybe for a few weeks afterwards but not in the long run. Can't do anything about it now. Have to accept it.

I'm much better now. Trying to improve upon my life everyday. Trying to perform good deeds. Not to sanctify my soul, but to preserve others. Maybe if I help someone they'll not have to go through difficulty. I would make their life easier for a short time. I did that for a while, and now I'm just a somewhat recluse. I have few friends that I spend time with, but in public I like to avoid interactions as much as possible now. Unless is necessary then I'm fine with it.