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I hate myself.....What is new?


Kyoshi Frost Wolf

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So, this is going to be difficult to explain. I will probably retread over bullshit that I have said before so this is going to be boring and accomplish nothing.

 

As a person, I make no sense whatsoever. I hate myself with a deep passion yet I like my personality, for the most part. Overall though, I just hate my very being. I just have no place in this world. Or do I? I don't even know.

 

I am always thinking, constantly thinking about whatever. Whether it be ideas for something, or just depressing thoughts, or just random stuff. I always compare myself with others, because I want to feel like I have a damn purpose. Everyone else is better than me though,at most things. Should that matter? Again, I do not know. I just wish there was something that I was good at, everything I do is mediocre or boring.

 

I do not do much in my life. My days mostly consist of staying at home, listening to music, browsing the forums, maybe playing a video game, and maybe doing something productive, but barely. I don't work. Yeah, I am a useless sack of shit to society. I get SSI. If that is a crime, then kill me now. I was deemed worthy of it thanks to three mental professionals thanks to my severe Aspergers Syndrome, constant anxiety, and to a lesser extent Hydrocephalus. I have brought this stuff up before, but I am doing it again.

 

I want to be happy with my life. I have no big career planned for myself, nor do I have any interest going to college like all the best people seem to do. I just want a simple life of happiness. I try as hard as I can to appreciate the little things, but nothing works now, because I see myself as a useless wretch, a scar upon this world.

 

I honestly wish I was someone else....Like I said, I like my personality, but my cons far outweigh the pros. You might be thinking, 'Why don't you do something about it?'Maybe I cannot do so. Human beings are flawed, one way or another, some drastically more than others. Some of us cannot change the way we are. I cannot change how my messed up brains functions, I was born the way I am. I would say it is a good thing since my f*cked up mind is the cause of my unique personality, but it is also a curse, causing my worthlessness to everyone and my constant self-loathing and depression.

 

That is another thing I want to bring up, humans. Many overly positive people want to assume that everyone has a purpose. Why do they think that? Is it some hopeless attempt at trying to brighten up this dark world? Is it just because they have something in life? It could be anything, this subject will not get me far.

 

What the fuck can I do honestly? All I want is happiness. I try as hard as I can to stay out of everyone's way, and I do, but I always come back to feeling completely useless to this world. I truly have nothing to live for. I hate myself because of this. I feel like I am unworthy of friends, of love...But am I REALLY? Is it true, or is it just my mind thinking this way and it is NOT true? I do not know what to think anymore. Perhaps I am just crazy. I don't know what to do.

 

I fear that one day, I will be entirely alone. I mentioned this in my last blog, but it is a sad truth. Thanks to my problems, who would want me?

 

I am sorry for posting this.....I truly do not want to feel this way anymore...like I said, I just want to be happy. I am probably just posting this for attention, who knows, but I have no bad intentions. I just do not know how to feel anymore. I am lost, alone, and afraid of the world around me. All I do is judge myself due to what others do. I don't want to do it anymore, but still I do.

 

I just..don't know anymore. I don't think there is anything can be done by others to help me, I am just too complicated. I make no sense, if you cannot already tell by this post. If you read this whole thing, I feel sorry for your mind, because this post makes no sense. It more than likely appears to be the rambling of someone gone mad and it probably is. I guess it just feel nice knowing that my voice may very well be heard by someone.

  • Brohoof 1

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Just so everyone knows, I may delete this post at some point. I know it accomplishes nothing, so...it probably has no reason to exist.

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I would suggest drinking liquor all day, actually that's bad advice ignore that. 

 

I suggest just finding something you like doing and just stick with it. Don't bother comparing yourself to others, because when you do, you start thinking about how shit your life is, or angry and envious because some people are better than you. Basically just laugh at the world and tell them that you don't give a fuck. That might work, but I don't know.

  • Brohoof 3
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First of all find something you enjoy, whatever seems to help u think less on your life. Since you have a very active mind try and do something with it, Draw something or Write a fan-fic, maybe write a song. If you feel afraid of it not being good enough then just remember that your song is unique and not everyone agrees with one thing.

 

It doesn't sound like you have no purpose just that you're going through a phase where you're trying to find yourself. I may appear as a positive guy but that's not the cause i just try to find someone to live a happy life, You only live once and you don't want to live in sadness all your life. When you judge yourself you should see if you can find any Positive's about yourself and understand that you are a Human Being and deserve to live a happy life.

 

Right now i think you need to find yourself. You should see if you can talk with any of your online friends and understand that you aren't worthless. If you ever need to talk don't worry about sending me a PM, or sending a PM to any of your other friends i'm sure that many here wish to help you. Now here have a *HUG* from me.

  • Brohoof 1
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Wow, I know how you feel, sometimes my life is like that, but usually I tend to ignore it as best as possible. Everybody is here for a reason, and I'm sure yours is somewhere, destiny just is a bitch when it comes to timing. If you need help though, feel free to PM, I can help in any way. 

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You are much too hard on yourself. Most of us know what you are going through, you can't let these thoughts control your life.

 

If you ever need to talk to someone, my inbox is open. Not sure how much help I'll be, but the offer is on the table.

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You cannot beat yourself up for something you were born with and cannot help. Just remember, you didn't ask to have these problems, and no respectable person can fault you for having them. There are other people in the world with similar conditions, and some are probably even worse off than you are. You're not alone. My mother has anxiety issues, and she starts to worry whenever she has nothing to worry about, so I know how you feel to some extent. Just live life one day at a time. You'll drive yourself crazy wondering about the future when you should just focus on the here and now. Things happen at their own pace.

 

I don't claim to be good at giving advice or helping someone cheer up, but if you ever want to vent, have a shoulder to cry on, or if you just seek attention, you can always send a message my way. I'm not good at taking the initiative, and I know you aren't either, but I promise I'll be here for you.:)

  • Brohoof 1
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Wow.I gotta say,reading this is like looking into a very scary mirror of my life right now. :x I know exactly how you feel right now,but...

 

You can't let the self-pity and self-loathing win.That's the exact opposite of trying to find purpose and happiness in life.I mean,how can you expect to find those things if you keep beating yourself up like this?I know it's hard to not think those thoughts because of Asperger Syndrome,I really do.I'm very harsh on myself and always beat myself up because of the same problems you have stemming from the exact same source.But you don't have to let it control your life like this.We might be more socially inept than most,yeah,but here's the kicker.

 

Despite all of that,you still got people who care about and love you.And this might not be the sole purpose of your life,but I can definitely tell you,without a doubt,that one purpose is to not give up.You stick it out for the people you love and care about.The people that stick with you through thick and thin,always there to help,and always make you smile when you think you just can't be any more depressed.You don't have to look at the grand scheme of things to figure out what your purpose in life is.You take it day by day,little by little.Surely enough,you'll find out that you have a lot more purpose in life than you ever thought you did.

 

I know I make it sound easy,but we both know it's not.For what it's worth,I'm always here for ya,pal.PM me if anything comes up and if I can help in any shape or form or if you just wanna talk to somebody who's going through what you are right now. :)

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I feel much the same way.  I simultaneously like and hate myself.  I paradoxically hate myself for the very reasons I like myself and vice versa.  I desperately wish I could be somebody else, and yet, at the same time, I wouldn't trade this mind for anything, because it seems pretty special to me.  I wouldn't want to lose what makes me me, but it also makes me miserable.  What strange, paradoxical creatures be we.

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