This is my first entry into my more serious blog. I will post here when I got more mature matters to speak of that would be inappropriate for my silly fun blog.

Well, lately, I have been falling back into the vices of depression, and I think several factors have contributed and have made me realize things about myself. I am not in a good place now. I am managing diabetes poorly, I am failing everything in school with 15 days to get up, and I can't crackdown because I find myself deep in apathy. I can't find the motivation to do anything productive. And I will probably fail the 10th grade for it. It is this overwhelming nature in life that I find myself getting depressed. For the obvious reasons, and for a more stupid one. I was a Sonic fan years before I was a brony. I had daydreams and fantasies of being in that world, doing awesome stuff like that. And now I fantasize about being in Equestria. Not as a human either. Mainly as a griffon. And I have these daydreams of a peaceful life there and find myself getting depressed that that will never happen. It is stupid to get depressed about that, but I can't help it. Then there was Key Gear's resignation and how all these people are really good friends with him, and I only really talked to him I think twice, and I realized I don't have any friends at all. Not really. I share a laugh with a few people, have a good time RPing, but I never message these people or chat with them outside of that. So now it seems like I have no IRL friends or online friends. I have a few contacts on Skype, most of them being offline all the time. The only people that are consistently online are the people I added during the Skype call in Marco's stream. And whenever I try to message one of them, I can't think of anything to say. So really, it is like not having any contacts. Because I am too anxious to message anyone. This wasn't the only thing that Key Gear's resignation showed me though. He was dealing with a lot of personal grief and stress, so he needed a break to regain strength. I asked myself if I would do the same in his shoes. I wouldn't. And I realized why. He has self worth. I don't. I have no respect for myself. I love making others happy, and making their lives better, but have a low opinion of myself. So in Key's position, I would've worked to bring happiness to others until I was a broken shell of myself. Because again, no self worth. Just take my happiness and energy. Not like I am making good use of it. But I can't code worth shit, and got a pretty crappy computer, couple that with several other factors, and I feel helpless to help anyone. I can't even do that. Sometimes, I just feel worthless. Like I am just consuming resources and money. Maybe that is why I want to be a mod. So I can at least have SOME worth. So I can help in some fashion So I am not completely worthless. I just want to be able to do something productive for once in my pathetic life. Even now I am just bitching on a forum with people I shouldn't be weighing down with my own petty problems. But here I am, doing it anyway, because, despite my best efforts, I am a selfish lazy asshole. Might as well post this, seeing as it is near 2500 characters.

TL;DR I have no friends, self worth, or usefulness. And am swimming in self pity like an asshole.