The human mind is such a complex thing. Emotions, personality, memories, actions. Why? Why are we like this? Why do we possess this? We would be much more orderly and lasting if we possessed the mind of an insect with a hive-mentality, but no. We are human beings, with complicated ways of understanding, feeling, and so on.

What am I getting at? I am just rambling. I ramble often like a mad-man. Mainly to myself too. I think too much, I over-think everything. I go into everything with a too open way of thinking. Watch a film about death, and then I am pondering the question of death for hours to myself. Then I ponder about the meaning of it all, and how none of it matters. We work, and be all materialistic and fall in love, and then we die. Leaving it all behind us, going who the Hell knows where. In my case, hopefully Heaven.

Then I delve too far into morality, and start to hate myself. Morality is gray, but there is a defined lighter shade and darker shade of gray. Seven years ago I purposely picked the darker shade. Then I start thinking more and more about crime and my past, and I hate myself for what I did, but like what I did at the same time. I have no fucking clue anymore really. I am happy, but still have this painful feeling inside me, and I keep thinking and thinking and thinking and fucking thinking.

I am in a relationship with someone now. Finally after seven years I feel somewhat okay to be with another person. I still have feeling of guilt and betrayal though. I feel like I am hurting my late wife, but I know she would want me to move on and be happy, but I still feel a pain in my chest and feel this immense, horrid guilt. Then I think about my past. What if it all ones back to me, and it hurt the people I love? Constant thoughts keep rattling my mind, and plaguing my dreams.

Here is what I think is wrong with me. Let my tell my "symptoms."

First off, I think too much. I already established that.

I have a terrible temper. Is hard to control myself when people are ignorant and, outright cruel to my friends.

I have a feeling of guilt and feel like I am betraying my late wife for being in a relationship now.

I have a feeling of anxiety, and have this fear of my past coming back.

I am not depressed, but I feel weird inside. Like I am not really here, even though I feel so happy right now.

I am scared often. I feel like I am going to mess up the life I have here sometimes, and I fear it. I fear myself. What if I do something stupid?

Honestly, I not know what the Hell is wrong with me. Am I depressed? Am I crazy? Am I bipolar? I not overly angry, and then depressed. I not think I am bipolar. I just have bad temper control, and let people get to me I think. Am I still depressed? Maybe I feel like the past is still not resolved. I am hoping to correct that some though. I has a plan to hopefully resolve things from my past. I mainly fear myself. I know what I am capable of, because I have done it before, and I not want to lose my temper and "blackout" and do something I will immensely regret.

I am really strange. I am really happy right now though. I mean, I am elated. The happiest I have been in seven years, and I feel awesome. I just think too much, and worry too much. The main problems are my temper, my feelings of guilt, and my fear of ruining my life. I sometimes think if I am insane. I know I am smart, I am a person capable of intelligent thinking, but am I sane? I not know.