Jump to content
Banner by ~ Ice Princess Silky

PrymeStriker

User
 View Profile  See their content

  • Posts

    503

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by PrymeStriker

  1. PrymeStriker
    :okiedokielokie:
     
    ....
     
    ....
     
    I don't like this episode either, you know. You don't have to all stand on my kitchen table. :okiedokielokie:
     
    ....
     
    ....
     
    That means get out of my house.
     
    ....
     
    ....
     
    *The Dark Quivit Army leaves my house and breaks my dining room*
     
    For the love of... *sigh* Alright, where was I??
     
    Oh, yes, of course.
     

     
    It's the holidays, and you know what that means!
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    VACATIONS!
     
    Yes, yes, some of you who follow my blog regularly (all three of you) are probably wondering, "what the fuck, guy? It's not Monday! Who gave you permission to do another review?" Well, the answer is simple. This coming Thursday, I will be going on a two-week vacation, half of that being spent out of my home state. Basically, I won't have access to a computer, so the internet may rejoice. This also means I won't have the resources 'nor the time to do any reviews for the rest of the year, and I have three reviews that I wanted to get done before that time.
     
    Wait, wait, there are even more "I"s in this paragraph. You see, fellow reader, I wanted my last review of 2015 to be "Winter Wrap Up". Get it? Because it's ironically not winter yet? Anyway, that means I have to get through this episode and "Swarm of the Century" before I leave you assholes on Thursday. So, I figured, let's just do one review every other day until Wednesday, the 16th. And that is exactly what I'm doing now. Expect a review from my ass (that's seriously how I write this shit) tonight, Monday night, and Wednesday night! Then, I'll see you guys back here on January 4th for even more MLP reviews every Monday and Friday + Sunday/Thursday if there's a two-parter abound.
     
    Alright, alright, I guess you guys just want me to get to the fucking "Boast Bu-" I mean, "Bridle Gossip" review. I keep getting these episodes mixed up because they both start with the letter B and they both stand for Bad. However, unlike "Boast Busters" where I had to learn to hate it (and even I don't hate it), I've always disliked "Bridle Gossip" as one of the worst episodes of season one. Will I make it through all 22 minutes of this slop-fest? Will I stop opening every paragraph by repeating the first word twice? Let's find out in the exciting review of "Bridle Gossip!"
     
    This a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, become racist.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    Okay, let's get this show on the long and winding road.
     
    So, so the episode opens up with a sunny day in Ponyville, and Twilight and Spike are walking into town. Hey, that's how the other bad episode started! It's a curse! If your episode starts with Twilight and Spike walking into town, your story is dooomed!!!!!!32!! Aside from that, they notice that everypony's locked indoors. But why? It's such a sunny day out, who wouldn't want to come outside and enjoy sweating their ass off? It turns out, they're just hiding from a zebra.
     
    Well, at least Twilight can't get too much flak for being a purple pony anymore...
     
    After, after the title sequence plays, we learn that everyone's hiding from her because she's a weird zebra. Wait, sorry, how politically incorrect of me. I meant, she's a weird Everfrian Equestrian. That'll keep you tumblr users off me. Yeah, they don't like her because she's got stripes, and they come up with all these insane theories as to why she's so different from other ponies 'round these parts. For example, she's an evil enchantress, and she tends to do evil dances. Beware, for if you look into her eyes, she'll put you in trances. Essentially, she's a psychoactive drug......Applejack should take a liking to that.
     

    "Excuse me, everypony, but when did I give you all permission to butt-rape me?"
     
    Twilight's, Twilight's not having their shit, and neither is Spike or Apple Bloom. Though the former is indulged in robbing Sugarcube Corner of its sweets, Apple Bloom decides to take matters into her own hands and follow Zecora back home. However, the others catch up to her in time and try to stop her. In this instance, she is spotted by Zecora herself, and warns the others about the Poison Joke they're standing in. However, the Ponyville rednecks completely miss the point and shout obscenities back. Psychoactive drugs and racism; it's like I'm in 1965!
     
    While you're all busy assaulting the Everfrian Equestrian, Apple Bloom is dead on your hat.
     
    Twilight, Twilight and the audience find everyone's behavior annoying as fuck, but unfortunately for us, our purple friend is about to change her mind. The next morning, Twilight wakes up with a floppy horn! As a matter of fact, all of the others wake up with defects of their own! Pinkie Pie's tongue went swollen, Rainbow Dash's wings went full retard (Welcome back, tumblr!), Rarity's mane went shaggy (NOW I'M REALLY IN 1965), Applejack went tiny, and Fluttershy had a sex change! In the words of the noble Spike, our friends have turned into Spitty Pie, Rainbow Crash, Harity, Appletiny, and Flutterguy!
     

    Actually, Fluttershy wasn't affected by the Poison Joke, she was just very uncomfortable with her birth sex and decided to become one with the balls.
     
    Apple, Apple Bloom thinks this is all her fault and decides to go ask Zecora to help the others. However, once again, the others follow her because she's like 12 or something and can't look after herself. Through the Everfree Forest they go, looking for the zeb-...Everfrian Equestrian... to help change them back. Once they all arrive, they find Zecora humming a tune while fixing a brew, which Shitty Pie says is her song. She should sue. This is where Twilight goes to the dark side, for while spying on Zecora, they overhear her say that she's looking for Apple Bloom, which the almighty logical Twilight worries she's cooking the filly. Of course.
     

    ...I...I've got nothing.
     
    Turns, turns out, Apple Bloom had asked Zecora to fix a cure for the Poison Joke, and once the other dumbasses confront the Everfrian Equsetrian and completely wreck her home "hooded cult" style, they are forced explain this. The rednecks apologize, they become cured, they become friends, and that's the end of the episode. The moral: don't be a racist douche.
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    ...
     
    That was short, wasn't it? I assure you, the running time is the same. It's just that the rest of the episode is padded with out of character idiocy from the entire cast. Nothing else happens in this episode!!!!!!
     
    I, I swear, this episode's story is absolutely atrocious. Now, there is sometimes one character that is sacrificed morally or intellectually for the plot in any given episode. It's usually Twilight or Rainbow Dash, in all honesty, but some others have taken the torch as well. Here, every single character is sacrificed in this episode. Plot induced stupidity is guaranteed for all! Everything that makes these characters lovable is drained in this episode. I want to strangle them all! Applejack's a dumbass! Rainbow Dash is a dumbass! Pinkie Pie's a dumbass! Twilight's a dumbass! Hell, Fluttershy's a dumbass! YOU HAVE TO STRETCH PRETTY DAMN FAR TO MAKE ME WANT TO STRANGLE FWUTTERSHAI!
     
    Alas, alas, there's 22 minutes of this. There's no progression, it just jumps right into the stupidity. Everyone here is scared of Zecora for no apparent reason other than she looks weird, and I know that a whole goddamn town wouldn't lose their shit over this, let-alone our main characters! That being said, Zecora herself is pretty annoying too, what with her mixed messages. However, this is obviously a trick from the editing of the episode, giving perspectives and elements designed to make you side with the protagonists. In the end, it's not worth it. Sitting through this goddamned episode is not worth it, despite all the memes that stemmed from it. I've never liked this piss-poor episode at all. I borderline hate it, but because I've seen a lot worse from this show, I'm giving "Bridle Gossip" a 3/10. Just...you guys...never do this again.
     
    ...
     
    Oh, I forgot, this is season one. They're going to do this again. Ooooh, goodie. For the time being, in the holiday spirit, let's all agree to forget this episode existed and pretend Zecora had a proper introduction into this series, okay? Great, see you on Monday.
     

  2. PrymeStriker
    Y'know what I just realized?
     
    It's time for the SEASON FOUR WRAP UP OF MY LITTLE PENIS: FUCKING IS MAGIC!
     

     
    We're only four episodes to the conclusion of season four! Can you believe it? I can't believe it. Can you believe it? I can't believe it. Can you believe it? And with this comes a few announcements for the "schedule" of future reviews. I intend to wrap up season four by the end of this month on June 30th. Yes, that's two weeks away, which means today we review "Inspiration Manifestation", next week we review "Equestria Games", and on June 30th we'll do both parts of "Twilight's Kingdom". With this in mind, I'm going to take the entire month of July off from doing reviews like I usually do. Except now I'm going to be taking my breaks after I finish one season rather than whenever I feel tired. Keeps shit balanced and what not. Then, on August 14th, we'll come back and take a look at the fifth season, which should go pretty quickly considering I've already reviewed five of its episodes back in 2015. Those episodes were the premiere, finale, "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up" and "Slice of Life", and all five of them will be skipped as a result, leaving just 21 other episodes to review before year's end. So...that's the plan. And if you don't like it.........that's nice.
     
    Now, let's get this show on the hoe. This is "Inspirati-"...Oh, right, I have to say "why did I say what I said when it aired?". *ahem*.....What did I think of this episode when it first airsoft? 
     
     
    Alrigh-
     
     
    ....BAHAHAHAHAHAA.
     
    Ah, that's funny. I actually had HIGH hopes that season five would've been a GOOD season. What a naive little shit I was. Okay, okay, this is "Inspiration Manifestation".
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This episode opens up with, WOW, WHAT A SURPRISING TWIST FOR A PLOT DEVICE, A BIG EVENT. This time it's the "Foal and Filly Fair", which is probably the laziest party concept I've ever heard from this show. It's like they've run out of things for people in this world to care about enough to party over so they just put names with puns and poetic devices in them. Suck my dicks. We cut to Rarity, who claims that even though her audience this time is young, it doesn't mean they don't deserve her best creative work. No truer words have been spoken, except for "Africans are the reason we have AIDS". Apparently Rarity is trying to sell a travelling puppet theater to a travelling puppeteer. But he thinks the cart is shit, which sends Rarity into despair. 
     
     
    So did McCarthy realize how shitty "Rainbow Falls" was and was like, "yo, nigga, I'mma check your work on your next episode. You ain't fuckin' up that hard again. Not on my watch. Dumbass."? 
     
    After the "Skip Intro" button becomes my story editor, we see Rarity in shambles as Spike tries to cheer her up. So he and Owlowicious go to the Castle of the Two Blisters to see if there's a spell that can help her create something in time for the fair, which is about to begin. Inside they find a secret chamber with hot oily sexy Rarity porn a book that can help inspire the creative mind. Ah, so that's how the Rolling Stones are still a band. Too bad their music sucks donkey dick. Right, so this spell gives Rarity the power to zap anything she imagines into creation....kind of like...."Power Ponies"......no no, not another thought about that. Except, this power seems to send Rarity into a devious quest for creation. She goes back to find the puppeteer and give him exactly what he wants; a blowjob! And then after that, she gave him the theater he wanted. 
     

    "Wow, you even included the stash of weed!"
     
    So Spike leaves Rarity alone with the book and goes home. The next day, Rarity has gone into a creation frenzy like a true bible thumper. Her boutique is flowing in fancy dresses and what not as her mind slips into oblivion. She even mentions sprucing up Ponyville a bit, and urges Spike to let her keep the book even longer. Spike, oblivious to Rarity's spell-induced insanity, agrees, and the pair venture out to paint the town. Literally. Cue laugh track, roll the credits, lick my anus. She finds Applejack's apple cart and bedazzles it, suggesting to Spike that they should keep the book as well as her acts of community service a secret between the "three of them". The third person she's referring to is the book. Yeah, I want to slaughter Rarity now too. As Rarity continues doing such grand deeds as giving Rainbow Dash a dress mid-flight and giving Fluttershy's bird a mansion of a birdhouse, Spike starts to realizes that his crush has gone insane. And once she's stated that she won't stop until the entire town has been reformatted in her new image, Spike starts to think...murder's a nice solution. But is stopping Rarity worth the cost of losing her as a friend? 
     
    ...Yes. But what does my opinion matter?
     

    Spike can't bring himself to be blue-balled at a time like this.
     
    Spike decides to take the book from her in hopes that it will break its influence on her. However, this proves harder a task than he thought since Rarity's got it safeguarded on her saddle. He uses Owlowiscious as a distraction and finally snags it, but when Rarity beckons him, the only logical thing to do is to swallow the book whole. Ah, yes, indigestion is a wonderful thing. Why, last time I had that was when I shoved those sensitive Russian documents up my ass, and let me tell you, I couldn't shit for like twelve weeks. But even though the book is being boiled in belly acid, Rarity's power grows stronger. Spike realizes the only way to take Rarity off this crazy train is to tell her to fuck off...himself. Ooooooh, are we gonna see some character development between Rarity and Spike's dynamic?
     
    ...Yes. But what does my opinion matter? Wait a minute, that wasn't an opinion......FUCK ME. Therefore, Spike tells Rarity the truth: she's become an awful terrible piece of shit-sucking fuckazoid bitch face sparkle whore and she needs to shove her own horn up her own asshole before he does it for her. And we are to recall the final words of the spell: "only when true words are spoken will you finally be set free". Telling Rarity the truth of the matter instead of bullshitting her all this time was indeed the medicine that cured our favorite town prostitute. 
     

    AVATAR STATE MOTHERFUCKER
     
    In the end, Spike learned that being honest with your friends is probably a smarter course of action then just yes-ing them to death. So concludes "Inspiration Manifestation". 
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Uuuh, yeah, still a pretty solid episode.
     
    The continuing maturation of Spike's dynamic with Rarity from a simple crush to an honest friend has been something that I've said way back in "Secret of My Excess" is one of the stronger arcs in the series, despite it seeding root in a pretty shit episode. This is one of the stories that I had in mind. Having Spike be honest with Rarity and telling her that what she's doing is going way out of line is one of his standout moments as a character. And it happens right here in this episode. There's still some good comedy here and there, though it wasn't the funniest of the whole season like I said when it aired. Perhaps the only complaint I could pose to this episode is that I wish Rarity's breakdown was more...I don't know...natural? As in, I feel like this moral and this episode would've been a lot stronger if Rarity had started going overboard by her own free will rather than the enchantment of a spell. The spell's inclusion made it another one of those times where we know a character isn't showing any real flaws because they're not in control of themselves. This is true here. In that last scene Rarity acts like she doesn't even remember what happened, which is quite disappointing from a storytelling perspectives since Spike gained so much development from it. Despite this...yeah, probably the best Spike episode by far. I'll give this a solid 8/10.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
     
     
    ....Yeah, yeah, you know you saw it coming: Africans are the reason we have AIDS.
  3. PrymeStriker
    Previously on Zorc and Pals...
    PrymeStriker: I've scheduled a meeting with a board of feminists and that conference room isn't going to bomb itself. 
     
    Discord: Okay, but only if you fondle my balls while you're down there.
     
    Scorpan: yo, deez ponies ain't so bad, I'd smash 'em
     
    Tirek: no, daz gey
     
    PrymeStriker: It's like 9/11. A pleasant surprise.
     
    Twilight Princess Sparkle: Yeah, Celestia, this is your dumbest idea yet. And this is coming from the same genius that thought sending your sister to the moon was a good idea.
     
    PrymeStriker: "Tune in soon when we take on, dick first, the season four finale of....My Little Pony.......Friendship..............Friendship......uh.............Something." 
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So this episode opens up right where Part 1 left off, the princesses are ready to give up their magic before Tirek can reach them and take it from them. However, as you might expect, magic cannot disappear into thin air like black people in the ghetto. It must been transferred into something.....or someone. Yes, Twilight must take on the magic of all the princesses, being the element of magic she is, and then somehow manage not to be fucked over by Tirek all the while not telling her friends about it. I just remembered.........this is my 100th review..........................................................*confetti*. So, anyway, we then discover that getting rid of magic takes away people's cutie marks which......makes no sense, but I digress. When Twilight returns home, she's surging with power and realizes now she has to carry the responsibilities of the other princesses. All the while, Tirek and Discord have arrived in Canterlot in search of the princesses, only to find that their magic is gone.
     

    Tirek upon realizing the sexual fantasy possibilities here.
     
     
    While Tirek traps the other princesses in Tartarus and Discord reveals the location of Twilight's library, Twilight tries to get away to learn how to use her new magic without her friends following her around. This, of course, makes them rather suspicious of their friend. No time for that, though. Tirek and Discord have showed up to trap the ponies in Ponyville. Discord displays some interesting regret here, suggesting that he's torn between his two desires, friendship and magic, offering long past due Discord development. This comes just in time for Tirek to betray Discord and take his magic as well. And after he gave Discord a medallion? What, a, DICK! With Tirek at his prime, it's off to find the new princess and her unbelievable power. So we see our main character out in "da hood" practicing teleportation spells. However, since she's got that surge, she rapidly teleports all across Equestria before coincidentally stopping in Tirek's vicinity. Twilight tries to take refuge to her librar-
     
     

     
     
    .....HOLY F-

     
    .....WHAT THE F-
     

     
     
    ..........AM I STILL WATCHING MY LITTLE PO-

     
    .............So an epic battle ensues between Twilight Sparkle and Tirek, and it seems like Twilight has won at first considering they're both at almost equivalent power. However, Tirek offers up a trade; her friends' survival for the alicorn magic. It seems like Twilight's finally reached the hard decision she's had to face, and it looks like the very person that's going to be affected by it is Discord himself. Now realizing that he wanted both friendship and magic, only to be left with nothing at all, has seen the error of his ways as he apologizes to Fluttershy for betraying her trust. Tirek, on the other hand, has no time for character development and wants an answer now. Ultimately, upon looking out on the bubbles her friends are encased in, and considering her options, Twilight decides to exchange....her friends' lives for the alicorn magic. It is now that Twilight receives her key, and I finally get to use this joke:
     

    REEEEEEEEEADINNG RAINBOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
     
    I've been waiting six reviews to do that. Okay, now I'm satisfied. So Tirek releases everyone except for Discord, but Twilight demands his freedom. Even after he has betrayed her, Twilight still considers him a friend. Aha, and now Discord's role has been fulfilled and we totally won't see some bullshit episodes of his in season five! TOTALLY! With this, Tirek drains Twilight of the alicorn magic and reaches his ultimate form. His body grew ten sizes that day, and he had a super big boost of confidence. Lucky bastard. Discord, in this time of great urgency, decides to break down and admit his shortcomings and the role he had in this ultimate fate. Therefore, he decides to give Twilight the medallion Tirek gave him back at the castle. This, they deduce, is the key that they need to unlock the chest. Henceforth, they all head back to the tree to unlock the box to find that what it does is.....err....turn everyone into.....something. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, okay, so this is kind of bullshit, but this is essentially the Equestria Girls ending in the MLP universe, but now with less contrived shit to emphasize mediocre writing. So they defeat Tirek with their new god awful hairstyles and save Equestria by returning everyone's magic to them. They even manage to use the box to recreate Twilight's home as a castle. With all this, Twilight discovers that the role she chooses to take as a princess of Equestria is as the Princess of Friendship. It's all down hill from here folks.
     

    Why must this show make me vomit so much
     
    With both Discord and Twilight figuring out who they're meant to be in the world, the ponies embark on one last piece of shit pop song before we recap all the people who gave our characters their keys. And so concludes "Twilight's Kingdom".
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    That ending was complete bullshit. The box's powers and Tirek's defeat were all completely contrived due to product placement which didn't help it's rushed pacing at all due to the fact that we just needed a terrible musical number at the end. It's literally the Equestria Girls ending with more plot significance.
     
    HOWEVER, this finale feels less like it deserved that ending than Equestria Girls. You see, with the film, it was a steady incline of standard storytelling all the way to a drop-off, and given its self contained nature, had to tell its entire story in that single hour or so only to disappoint by pulling out of its ass, leaving nothing to gain considering not even the characters got a payoff in the end. But that's the beauty of having a show. You can create story arcs and use them to build up your story with the plot and the characters we've been given. We've been working up the arc all season long, and while the box itself was lazily payed off, we still got what we wanted from the finale: a good story. Twilight and Discord both reached their character peaks in this episode. With Discord, he learned the right way to search for both friendship and power. With Twilight, she discovered her self-worth and role as a new princess in Equestria. This way, we still get a great story outside of the deus ex machina ending. And, hey, the status quo was shifted around by giving us new locations to visit next season. Even with all this said, there's other great things about this finale, like the comedy, the GORGEOUS animation, and that epic fight scene. So, in summation, yeah, this finale is not perfect, but it's not bad either. It seems just about right. I'm going to give this episode a 9/10, making "Twilight's Kingdom" a full 8.5/10 overall.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So here's the part where I sum up the whole season overall. Let's dig into this circus:
    01. Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1) 10/10
    02. Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 2) 10/10
    03. Castle Mane-ia 8/10
    04. Daring Don't 2/10
    05. Flight to the Finish 9/10
    06. Power Ponies 1/10
    07. Bats! 7/10
    08. Rarity Takes Manehattan 5/10
    09. Pinkie Apple Pie 8/10
    10. Rainbow Falls 1/10
    11. Three's A Crowd 5/10
    12. Pinkie Pride 10/10
    13. Simple Ways 2/10
    14. Filli Vanilli 1/10
    15. Twilight Time 7/10
    16. It Ain't Easy Being Breezies 7/10
    17. Somepony to Watch Over Me 4/10
    18. Maud Pie 6/10
    19. For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils 10/10
    20. Leap of Faith 7/10
    21. Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3 10/10
    22. Trade Ya 5/10
    23. Inspiration Manifestation 8/10
    24. Equestria Games 9/10
    25. Twilight's Kingdom (Part 1) 8/10
    26. Twilight's Kingdom (Part 2) 9/10
     
     
    Therefore, my overall rating for season four of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is:
     
    6.5/10
    Best episode: "Pinkie Pride"
    Worst episode: "Rainbow Falls"
     
    WOW. How the FUCK did season four manage to PLUNGE from my SECOND favorite season to literally THE WORST SEASON OF THE SHOW? I used to hail this season, but now it's merely one decimal below season three. Age does not treat this show very well I see. There's a lot of problems with this season's output. "Power Ponies", "Rainbow Falls" and "Filli Vanilli" all received a scathing 1/10, something I rarely hand out to anything, with "Daring Don't" and "Simple Ways" just barely dodging the bullet at 2/10s. Then you've got shit like "Somepony to Watch Over Me", "Rarity Takes Manehattan", and "Three's a Crowd" which weren't as sinful but still very flawed. Compare this to the output of episodes I gave FULL marks to. What, the premiere? "Pinkie Pride"? "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils"? "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3"? Is that it?! FIVE perfect episodes to EIGHT shitty episodes? And that's not even counting the in-betweens. All the mediocrity that is "Maud Pie", "Twilight Time", "Bats!" and so forth. I mean, just adding up all the episodes that are below an 8/10, which is my standard for GOOD writing, to everything that's a 7 or below, this is a fucking 11-15 ratio. Far more than HALF the damn season is below average.
     
    I did not expect this in the slightest. I used to hold season four to a much higher peg than season one, and to find that it's really worse than both season one and season three? It's so weird. Cause I still feel like its a good season. All those years of season four praise still haunt my opinion now despite the fact that the analysis shows otherwise. Opinions must change, however, so that we may grow. Therefore, I'll come out and say it. Season four is a bad season, just like season three. It had promise, but was ultimately a rollercoaster with very little time to recuperate from the turns. This season contains some of the worst writing in the shows history, and given my opinions on season five when I watched it, it looks like there's no room for improvement. All I can say is: I am disappoint.
     
    Alright, everyone, GG. We're at the end of season four and I finally get to take my vacation. I'll see you guys back here on August 14th where we will review the fifth seaso-
     

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    ...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    ..........
     
     
     
     
     
    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOTHERFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKER
     
     
     
     
  4. PrymeStriker
    Welcome back to the season four wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Why the Fuck Am I Still Watching This Fucking Show!
     

     
    Here we are. The end of season four, the end of the "what did I think of this episode back when it aired" arc-thingy, and on our 99th review facing the second part of this finale as Review #100. There's a lot to wrap up around here and very little time to do it. I've scheduled a meeting with a board of feminists and that conference room isn't going to bomb itself. What do you think I am, someone with a remote control? Anyways, let's take a look at the last mini-review I made before starting up this blog in August of 2014:
     
     
    .......Hehe..."period".
     
     
    ..Hmm? What's that? People hated this finale?
     
     
    WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS NEW?
     
    Everyone in this god-forsaken fandom hates every premiere and finale. I've seriously read a handful of reviews on "Friendship is Magic", "Best Night Ever", "The Return of Harmony", "A Canterlot Wedding", "The Crystal Empire", "Magical Mystery Cure", "Princess Twilight Sparkle", "Twilight's Kingdom", "The Cutie Map", and "The Cutie Re-Mark", all with some brony who hasn't taken their Adderall spastically raging over how they're all the worst premiere/finale in the history of television. And you think I have any right fucking mind to watch these episodes with their complaints at heart? No. I'll watch the fucking thing for my damn self and draw my own conclusions, because I'm an individual with my own mind, and unlike most people, I don't admire everybody in this oh-so high-tier analysis community as gods. That said, gather around, my feeble disciples, as I tell you the ten commandments that is "Twilight's Kingdom"
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So this episode opens up in the Crystal Empire, with Spike gloating about how he saved this place and asking everyone else if they remember that. Spoiler alert: Yes, they do remember that, 'cause that was a plot device in the last episode. However, when Rainbow Dash complains about Spike's gloating only for Rarity to sock it back to Rainbow Dash about all the gloating she's done for the past four seasons, I smile in relief as I know this episode was written by someone who gives a fuck. Apparently, the team is on their way to some kind of....ceremony......who cares what the event is. Twilight, on the other hand, is feeling like her status as princess isn't particularly amounting to anything remotely important. And you know what? She's completely right. The only thing she's done all season long as princess was moderate a trade commune. Other than that, her role as princess has been pretty unimportant, which leaves great promise to the rest of the finale to explore where Twilight's princess duties can come into fruition. Seems like, yes, there's quite a bit of promise in this finale. 
     

    Purple princesses always get the short end of the stick.
     
    A boring piece of shit song ensues after Twilight confronts the other princesses on this, where she sings about wanting to make contributions to Equestria. In the number, however, the other princess assure her that her time to play her part will come. My question, however, is that why didn't it come immediately after she was crowned princess. I mean, wasn't there a reason she was crowned princess in the first place? It makes me think that her becoming a princess, while great for the character herself, was ultimately not well thought out by the other princesses. Welp, too late for that, I already gave "Magical Mystery Cure" an 8...or a 7...or something....I don't fucking remember. Meanwhile, later on in the night, Princess Celestia has a dream/vision that some cloaked nigga with an amazing voice named Tirek is out on the loose, and that something must been done. I recommend three way intercourse, but this is a kids show unfortunately. After the commercial break, Princess Celestia explains the origins of Tirek. He came from a distant land with his brother Scorpan to steal Equestrian magic. However, Scorpan pussied out and was like, "yo, deez ponies ain't so bad, I'd smash 'em". When Tirek was like "no daz gey", the Princesses sent him to Hell. Literally. However, he escaped due to the Cerberus leaving his post in Tartarus back in "It's About Time". Damn, that's one hell of a callback. Wouldn't have even imagined that having any impact on anything back when I watched that episode. It's like 9/11. A pleasant surprise. Tirek's been wandering around trying to find the strength he needs to suck Unicorn horn again. Instead of deciding to send Twilight to catch Tirek, Celestia enlists another hitman: Discord.
     

    So this finale has Twilight depth and Discord? Fuck me, this is the best finale!
     
    You see, Discord can sense an imbalance in magic due to him being....Discord. It's kind of like knowing your about to shoot a super creamy load. But before Discord goes off to masturbate, he pays our band of killjoys a little visit, drawing Twilight's attention to that Harmony Tree box from the premiere, suggesting maybe there's something in there that will help her. He even hands Twilight the journal they've been keeping all season after he's bookmarked "important passages". To me, this screams Discord's trying to tell Twilight something, but since the main characters in this show are stupid, they're not going to realize this until much later. So instead they go to the Castle of the Ass Kissers to see if there's any books on the box's importance, to no avail. All the while, Tirek's power grows ever stronger, just in time for Discord to detect the disturbance in the force and show up to fuck him over. But wait, this is a two-parter, so there's gotta be more than just capturing him, right? You bet your dick-hanging ass there is. Tirek offers Discord a proposition. After he wipes this world of Equestria magic stench, who better to turn the world upside down than Mr. Chaos Emerald himself? Discord is offered a choice of "freedom" over "friendship".
     

    "Okay, but only if you fondle my balls while you're down there."
     
    While Discord ponders this, Twilight realizes that all the sections Discord has bookmarked are previous episodes where the other five got their keys and overcame some kind of big trial...full with flashbacks and all. Please no "Rainbow Falls", PLEASE NO "RAINBOW FALLS".....................they actually have Pinkie Pie interrupt Rainbow Dash before her flashback can begin. Wow...this IS the greatest finale ever, nodding at that episode's shittiness. Twilight deduces that since the challenges they individually had to overcome helped shaped someone else's direction, the objects they received from those people might have some significance. It's almost like Discord had a point, fucking idiots. So they all bring the items from episodes past to the box, to discover that placing them up on the box transforms the items into the physical keys. How convenient for everyone. Everyone's keys are placed into the box except for Twilight, who has yet to receive hers. All the while, they get some mail from Celestia informing them that Discord's gone rogue, and with his help Tirek has been able to suck not only Unicorn horn, but also fondle Pegasus wings and Earth pony hooves. Once Twilight arrives in Canterlot, the princesses could only come to one conclusion: Rid themselves of their own magic!
     

    .................."Yeah, Celestia, this is your dumbest idea yet. And this is coming from the same genius that thought sending your sister to the moon was a good idea."
     
    To be...continued.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Uhhemmmem, yeah, okay, this is a good first part.
     
    I mean, it's not perfect, but there's setup for some great elements in here. Twilight feeling unsure about her position as princess, Discord's betrayal, the growing strength of Tirek. All of this is some really powerful stuff to move the second part along. However, yeah, there are a few blips in the rough here and there. This does not include the ending, considering I know what Celestia means by "get rid" of our magic as we'll explore in the second part, but rather with some of the stuff in the middle. Sending Discord alone was a poor choice by Celestia considering his reformation was not too long ago. He's very susceptible to being manipulated this early on. She should have had the Elements of Harmony and Discord team up to locate and take down Tirek so that they can keep Discord in check. However, this wouldn't have made for a satisfying finale so early on, now would it? Tying everything up in the second act, nothing would have gotten resolved. So, yeah, I can see why it was necessary for Celestia to make this mistake, but it's a crucial mistake nonetheless given the stakes here. Also, I don't like how the objects can just transform into keys because magic. Everything else, though? Pretty damn good. I think the first part deserves a 8/10 overall.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Tune in soon when we take on, dick first, the season four finale of....
     
     
    My Little Pony...
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Friendship...
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Friendship.......................
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Uh........
     
     
     
     
    Something.
  5. PrymeStriker
    Welcome back to the season four wrap-up of My Little Friendship: Pony is Magic/AIDS!
     

     
    Today, we're taking a look at the penultimate episode before the two-part season finale, Equestria G-...........wait a minute....................okay, no, good, that says "Equestria Games", not "Equestria Girls". *shivers*........ Ooookay...so, this is the episode that finally finishes the Equestria Games arc that we've been building up since the twelfth episode of season three: "Games Ponies Play". Therefore, there's some big shoes to fill. So what did I think of this episode when it first spared?
     
     
    ............................WELL ISN'T THAT REASSURING? This is "Equestria Games".
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
     
    So this episode opens up with Rainbow Dash on the train to the Crystal Empire with the CMC, Bulk Biceps, Fluttershy, and...some other...random generics, as they prepare for the Equestria Games. Rainbow Dash herself doubts that she, Fluttershy, and Bulk Biceps will be able to beat the Wonderbolts, all the while I have the worst "Rainbow Falls" PTSD that sends me into a cataclysmic spasm. After the "Skip Intro" button sends me into a catacl-...wait...SHIT I used my "Skip Intro" joke too early. FUCK!! *sigh*.....after I skip the intro...we...hold on, I'm not done with the "Rainbow Falls" shit. Rainbow Dash is still competing in the Equestria Games with the lowest common denominators. Just like with "Rainbow Falls", WHYYYY?! It still makes no sense. Also, did Fluttershy just forget her "stage fright" from the fuck-up opus that everyone loves, "Filli Vanilli"? 'Cause the Equestria Games is going to be a big event with lots of people staring at her. Why would she not realize this? Fuck me. Why the fuck do I watch this fucking show? Anyways, once we arrive in the Crystal Empire, Spike is whisked....whipsed....whifflefluffle...whatever the fuck the word is....away by the royal guard to meet with Princesses Cadence and Twilight Sparkle, where he learns he's basically a God in the Crystal Empire for saving the crystal heart. Remember that shitty episode? Me too, I think. 
     

    "Bringith thy Rarity in so thout may port her legs like the red sea"
     
    The princesses tell Spike that they want him to light the torch for the Equestria Games, which he agrees to. However, once he arrives, he realizes he has......st......stage fright. Oh, come on, please, not another "Filli Vanilli". PLEASE. He goes up and due to his fright, is unable to light the torch. Like, physically, he can't generate fire breath. Hmm...that does give reason to why he couldn't just burn the timberwolves in "Spike at Your Service", but it's not like I'm exactly in the mood to remember every shit episode of this show. So Twilight helps him out from her throne all the way in the audience by doing a little magic trick-aroo mcfuckson and, boom, fire! Spike ends up thinking this is because he can light fire with his mind, but Twilight bitchslaps him and puts the little prick in his place. This makes him mope as you might expect, but screw that, it's time for the main event! The relay race, with Fluttershy ignoring all of her redundant character development! How delightful. At the games, a disabling spell is cast on unicorns to prevent cheating, which comes into play later. Otherwise, Ponyvillle ends up coming in second place to the Wonderbolts when I start realizing I don't care about this event. Like, yeah, this something we've been building up to for a season but...almost every episode in the arc was bad. So this is less of an anticlimax and more of what's expected. Except, we've got a Spike story to follow, so, maybe we should direct our attention to that first and foremost. Spike then asks Mrs. Harshwhimmy (I don't care if that's misspelled) to do something else after the faux lighting of the torch. He offers to sing the national anthem instead....of Cloudsdale. See, he thought he was gonna sing the Ponyville anthem, but Ponyville didn't win. So he'll have to sing a song that he's never heard, and has no idea how to sing. Alas, it's a bit too late when he realizes this.  
     
    Come on, Spike. Sing it with me! "Blame Cloudsdale! / Blame Cloudsdale! / With all their weather hullabaloo / And that bitch Rainbow Dash too!"
     
    Right..............actually that song was kind of funny. How did MY LITTLE PONY FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC pull off GOOD CRINGE COMEDY?! Have you SEEN their fandom? Christ. After the fuck-up, Spike decides to go into his room and pack before he leaves tomorrow. Huh....so Spike's been built up all episode to be knocked down to size? This......is once again.......another relatively good Spike conflict. I'm genuinely shocked. Later, during the ice archery contest, Twilight goes looking for Spike, but the CMC say he pussied out. So Twilight gets pissed and goes to find Spike so she can whip out the belt. Purple parents are the worst, but purple slave owners? Damn. Talk about a taste of your own medicine. Twilight confronts Spike and tells him that while, yes, those were some slow and embarrassing moments out there, ultimately everything went right for the games, so there's literally no harm in any of this. Purple bitch speaks too soon, though, as one of the ice arrows has shot up into a cloud above and created an ice cloud that's about to fall on the ponies below!
     

    ....Okay, a frozen cloud is a genuinely....cool concept. Heheheh...........................God my comedy is going soft.
     
    There's no time to cut the disabling spell on the unicorns, and the pegasi can't lift the cloud on their own. There's only one person at the games that can save the lives of thousands! CAPTAIN AMERIC-I mean SPIKE! By hopping on several pegasi, he unleashes his mighty dragon fire breath to melt the cloud of ice. Once this is done, the crowd cheers in glory for his majesty Spike the great. The princesses even come to thank Spike personally for his act of heroism. Lucky bastard.
     
    ......................................
     
    .............................................................................................fuck, that's gonna be taken out of context, isn't it?
     
    Welp, suck my balls, queers. Spike receives all the praise from his friends and the entire city, and he reacts with a resounding boost of confidence. That is, that's how this episode would've gone if it was written poorly. Instead, Spike receives all the praise from his friends and the entire city, and he reacts with a resounding..."yeah, I guess". He says that it just so happens that he can breathe fire, and that if any of the others could've done something they would've. Twilight realizes that, throughout Spike's story, he's felt like he's let everyone down, but people keep telling him its all good. The only person who's gonna make Spike feel complete in what he's done...is himself. Later, in the journal he writes that all the praise in the world means nothing if you don't feel it in yourself. Holy shit, this........is a really deep moral. How...how did I miss this? Even at 15 I should've had some kind of grasp of these kinds of things, or else I wouldn't have started this review series three months later. I guess this goes to show you how time and maturation can change some things.
     

    Err.....Spike? You've got a little...octopus cum on your face.
     
    In the end, Spike gets to light the fireworks that close the ceremony. And so concludes "Equestria Games".
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Huh...that was...actually another good Spike episode.
     
    I don't know what I was thinking before, but Spike's story is truly the saving grace of this episode. Sure, we get reminded of a bunch of different shit episodes, including Rainbow Falls given its seminal place in both the key arc and the Equestria Games arc. And, yes, this is something that bogs the episode down a little. But in the end, we get this really powerful moral about self fulfillment. Being a musician, this hits right home. I've actually directed people to check out some of my work, and then have them come back and say "Oh wow, this is pretty great. I like [song name]", and felt the chilling bite of realizing that the song they think is so great, is the song I hate the most and feel the most regret for. Their comment of praise for it meant nothing. I knew what was wrong with the damn song, I could hear every mistake, every missed opportunity, every piece of shit moment that made the song unbearable for me. My opinion of my work did not wane just because someone else thought it was amazing. That can be reassuring when it's praise for something your passionate about, but regardless, true fulfillment comes from yourself. So, yeah, like future episode "Canterlot Boutique", this is another moral that hits me right in the nuts. This is a genuinely good episode, and while it might have been an anticlimax for the Equestria Games arc...let's be honest...this arc was going nowhere fast anyway. I'll give "Equestria Games" a 9/10. 
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Here we are, the season four finale. Come back next week where we take on both parts of "Twilight's Kingdom", and always remember that your family is edible! 
     
  6. PrymeStriker
    Wh
     
    ...Really?
     
    ...Hmm...I must've been smoking something (likely weed, given that quote is from 4/20), 'cause I always remembered this as a really bad episode. Eh, well, let's see which two evils I go with. This is "Trade Ya".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So this episode opens up with some of the worst exposition I've ever heard. Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, explaining to the other ponies why they're at the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange thing....WHILE THEY'VE JUST ARRIVED BY TRAIN TO THE RAINBOW FALLS TRADERS EXCHANGE. Like, the other four had no idea why they were going to this place? Why did they spend time packing all their luggage to go, then? Just fucking awful exposition. 0/10. As they enter the event...............oh yeah, "triggered 'cuz Ranbaow Fauls is shit episud", there you go.............*ahem*.............they find that Twilight Sparkle has a whole welcoming committee considering she's a special guest. Why, you my ask? Uh, gee, I don't know, maybe because she's A FUCKING PRINCESS? How nice of the show to acknowledge such a pivotal plot-point once more. After the Skip Intro button skips introductions and cuts right to the dirty sex, we see all of our main characters indulging in the festivities. Rarity notes that you can get anything you want here, which is actually true. I went there myself once, in search of a crotchitizer, a syringe full of toothpaste for anal injection, and a chair with seven legs, and there was a whole stand dedicated to those specific items! They even had a combo deal. Buy one chair with seven legs and get three syringes full of toothpaste for anal injection free! That's when I traded my sister off to that pimp, if you can remember that joke from ages ago. Anyways, we finally see Twilight here at her bookstand. 
     

    "I've got twelve copies of 50 Shades Darker I need to expel."
     
    So now it's time for our main characters to split up into groups of two as per course of the writers. Rainbow Dash explains that they have a signed first edition of a Daring Do book out there, and she's gonna get it. Hey, Rainbow Dash. Since we're referencing a bunch of shitty episodes in this story, from "Rainbow Falls" to "Spike at Your Service" and even "Power Ponies"....why are you leaving out "DARING DON'T"?! Don't you fucking KNOW DARING DO PERSONALLY? Can you not ask her to sign any old first edition book yourself? Right, so Rainbow Dash's storyline is already bullshit, therefore Fluttershy decides "I'll just insert myself into this subplot for later use". Meanwhile, Rarity and Applejack decide to pool their stashes since they're both out in search of vintage shit, all the while Pinkie Pie stays with Twilight to help her auction off the books she doesn't want. Okay, so now our stories are set. Let's follow the worst one first: Rainbow Dash. She finds the book she's looking for, but the trader says she does not want Rainbow Dash's rusty horseshoe. She's instead in the market for a blowjob an Orthrus, which one of the other traders has. Ah, I see, so not only is this plotline going to be convoluted from the jump, but it's also going to propel forward through the dullest shit imaginable. Rainbow Dash is going to go from trader to trader getting things for the previous trader to get the trade from the original trader just to get the book. Wash, rinse, repeat. 
     

    Rainbow Dash stands in horror as she realizes her subplot in this episode is doomed to suck.
     
    Let's take our minds off of that, though, and focus on Rarity and Applejack's story. Both ponies happen to have found a super rare "vintage" item that's going to cost all of their collective stuff. As each opposing member examines the other's vintage item, we find that they're both extremely petty things. Applejack wants a rusted pan, and Rarity wants a broach she already owns that's just slightly aged. Both ponies think the other's item is shit, which leads to a clashing of the viewpoints. We'll return to this momentarily, we now have to focus on Twi-.........err..........back to Rainbow Dash's story? Uh.....okay. That's a bit odd. You'd think they'd got through the three subplots in a cyclic manner but....ugh, whatever. The Orthrus guy does not want Rainbow Dash's horseshoe either, but instead wants a new lamp in exchange for the Orthrus. So they go to a stand full of Discord lamps to find that the guy at the stand wants an antique chicken statue, and the antique chicken statue guy wants a crystal chalice, and the crystal chalice girl happens to want a rusty horseshoe. Perfect. So they trade that rusty horseshoe only to find that the chalice instantly breaks upon being touched. Fuck. Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie saves Twilight from selling all her books for some kid's broken pen. This proceeds to occur: 
     

    ...Okay, it's clear to see which subplot is the best.
     
    Weanmhile, Applejack and Rarity have practically reversed their positions. Now they're competing to be the "better friend" by letting the other pony get what they want with the stuff they've pooled. This...actually got a little bit of a smile out of me. Not bad. Back to Rainbow's Shit Story. The chicken guy actually wanted a broken chalice for his broken chalice mural, so they trade the chicken to find that the lamp guy is out to lunch. Fuckity shit fuck. Meangirls, Pinkie Pie is exploiting Twilight's princess status to auction the books off. There's this pretty funny joke that got a chuckle out of me where Pinkie Pie says that Twilight was a big fat zero before she was a princess right in her presence. Anyways, back to Reading Rainbow. They finally manage to get all the items through everyone to trade the Orthrus for the book only to find that the bookseller no longer wants an Orthrus. God this Trader's Exchange is contrived. At least when I went you could hold people by gunpoint. Fuckin' pansies. Anyways, when Fluttershy shows her that the Orthrus just needs to be trained, the bookseller decides to give her the book IF Fluttershy stays with her and her house until it's trained. Rainbow Dash...........agrees.
     

    ..........Whore.
     
    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFActually, you know what I just realized. As much as this part of the episode forces the mediocre moral down the chimney, it's actually a little more believable that Rainbow Dash would do this when you consider they paid extra close attention in the dialogue to make sure the audience realizes that Rainbow Dash doesn't realize what just happened. If you look at her in the moments when this is said, she's almost in a trance. Given last episode focused on her inability to focus, I'm actually less pissed with this part of the episode than I was when it aired. It's still shoddy, but not as shitty. Besides, she realizes she fucked up pretty quick. Menopause, Pinkie Pie has finally set the price too high for the books by noting how valuable they are to Twilight, which sends traders away but makes Twilight appreciate the books more, deciding she doesn't want to get rid of them. So, is the lesson here to hoard your shit? Huh. Too bad the best of the subplots gets a sour ending. Rainbow Dash comes in to interrupt everything by trying to get Twilight to say that the trade between Rainbow Dash and the bookseller was unfair...to which Twilight explains that it unfortunately is. Most people are like "BUT TWILIT THATS UR FRIEND TOO"....and I call bullshit. Yes, Fluttershy is Twilight's friend too, but someone in a position of power needs to be unbiased to make decisions. Twilight would've been accused of bias if she said the trade was unfair. I'm actually more impressed with this trial scene than anything else, despite it being a completely useless 50 seconds in the story that could've been saved if Rainbow Dash had just rejected the offer in the first place.
     

    So who ever thought we'd see a purple pony up on that stool, huh? Huhhhh? Hehheheh. I'm a racist! 
     
    In the end, Rarity and Applejack make up (because their plot got completely sidelined) and everyone learns that friends are more valuable than objects...which you'd have to be a serial killer in order to think otherwise...so this moral's pretty much only for me. Doesn't make it any less shit. So concludes "Trade Ya".
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    ...EHhhhhhee.eHEH. 
     
    This episode's kind of off and on. While I have very few complaints with the Twilight/Pinkie and Applejack/Rarity stories, the Rainbow/Fluttershy one was pretty bad. It had a sloppy setup that I've refuted in the beginning of the review, a pretty dull string-along, and an ultimately shoddy resolve. I mean, it wasn't as bad as I remember, but that doesn't mean it wasn't poorly done. The other two were okay and rather good subplots that fell off the end due to the pacing of the episode. Twilight's story ended up virtually promoting hoarding considering Twilight decided to keep books she wanted to get rid of because she had no room for them, and the "Rarijack" plot was ultimately relegated to a running gag that was just "resolved" by the epilogue 'cause they very literally ran out of time. There's some pretty funny moments here and there in the episode, but with all these plots kind of tangling each other up and resulting in a pretty vapid moral, I'd have to say this episode's a bit of a clunker. "Castle Mane-ia" was the better episode in terms of splitting the group into twos. I'll have to give "Trade Ya" a 5/10.
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    The ethnicity I hate the least is the most recent one. 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  7. PrymeStriker
    Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3  /  Somebody please decapitate me  /  I need some weed or a nose full of speed  /  I like big tits.............err...........greed. 
     
    There, I finally wrote out a poem that's not a haiku and it only took me 77 entries to do so. Now you can all shower me with money and hot naked women. What did I think of this episode when it first aired? 
     
     
     
    ................K. This is "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3"
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This episode opens up with Twilight encouraging Rainbow Dash to study hard for her History of the Wonderbolts exam, which will determine if she qualifies to become a Wonderbolt. She encourages her so much that she decides to tutor her! Err....oookay? I mean, the only difference between this and dancing elephant eels is that the latter is a situation that would actually occur. I don't know many people, even friends, who would jump at the chance to tutor someone else. But, whatever, it's Twilight. After the "Skip Intro" button c-...oh, hey, there's the dancing elephant eels...she begins trying out some methods to help Rainbow Dash learn. They begin with reading and highlighting...which doesn't work because Rainbow Dash highlights everything. So she tries a history lecture, which actually results in a pretty funny scene where...for no fucking reason...Rainbow Dash starts rhythmically creeking on a chair while Owlowicious and Spike respectively toot a melody and play a snare drum. Like, they just fucking come out of nowhere and start doing this. It's fantastic, especially Spike's face. 
     

    You know, on the MLP Wiki, the caption for this segment is "This is glorious". I have to agree. Look at Spike. He looks like he just fucked all three of the CMC at once. 
     
    Rainbow Dash gets fed up with this boring shit, though, which prompts Twilight to throw a pop quiz at her. Only when Rainbow Dash fails each question does she realize, "I'm retarded", and panics about learning what she must. She starts blaming Twilight and burns history as a waste of time, which leads to a debate that can only be broken up by none other than...Fluttershy. She suggests that maybe we should try other teaching methods, for instance, a play put on by all the pets. So, Fluttershy also knows the history of the Wonderbolts. Well...she's a Pegasus, maybe they teach that in...Pegasus school. Like how they taught me how to skin humans in church. When this clearly doesn't help Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie shows up to suggest musical intervention as a method of learning and proceeds t-
     
    ...
     
    No no no NO NO NO NO NO, FUCKING NO NO FUCKITY FUCK FUCKER FUCKTOWN, SON OF A FUCK-SHIT COCKMOUTHED MOTHERFUCKING BITCHMONGER, NOT IN A MILLION CENTURIES ON THIS BRIGHT ASS EARTH, OR IN THE HEAT DEATH OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE IS THAT EVER GOING TO BE OKAY. That's not even remotely amusing. This part is so gimmicky you can just feel the show going "HEUHE, WE'RE FUNNY AND RELEVANT EVERYONE LUV US." I'll take Spike's face over this any day of the year. So, aside from that awful sequence taking place, why does Pinkie Pie know about the Wonderbolts' history? Are they just going to shovel through all the main cast members and pretend like it's normal for everyone to know the Wonderbolts' history by heart EXCEPT for the one pony who needs to know it? 
     

    .........................For fucks sake, that's exactly what's gonna happen.
     
    Alright, points off for this shit. No way in hell is it realistically possible for Rarity and Pinkie Pie to know such convoluted history offhand and not Rainbow Dash, the only pony in the group that gives a flying fuck about the Wonderbolts. In the spirit of Sgt. Pepper's 50th anniversary yesterday, here's a good analogy. Me being the only person in my circle of friends that gives a shit about the Beatles (which is true, but I digress), but everyone else is able to name every song they ever recorded on every album they've ever released and can recount their entire history on command except for me. Does that make any lick of sense? Nope. SO RARITY takes Rainbow Dash back to her boutique to display a fashion show regarding the Wonderbolts history...which freaks Rainbow Dash out for some reason. Applejack is there in easily the best scene in this whole episode. First, she slights Rarity off hand by stating "this fashion show nonsense wouldn't help me learn nothing either". We subsequently see Rarity display this face without any of that cheezy tuba musical cue that tells the audience to laugh, and so it just comes off as this deadpan burn which is hilarious. So Rainbow Dash eggs Applejack for a study technique, to which she replies, "who me? Oh, I got nothing." This almost saves the convolution of before considering there's at least one pony in the group that doesn't know jack shit about the Wonderbolts. Finally, when Applejack asks how much time she has to learn all this, and Rainbow Dash states that she has 12 hours, Applejack goes: "Ah, then you're up a creek" and walks off screen. This interaction is fine art.
     

    Applejack joins Spike's face in the Hall of Fame. 
     
    Finally, Rainbow Dash gets overwhelmed and depressed and storms off, saying she'll never pass the test and that she's too dumb to learn anything. FINALLY, RAINBOW DASH ADMITS HER STUPIDI-*ahem*, I mean...those points I took off? They're slowly getting earned back with every passing minute succeeding Pinkie Pie's bullshit. This is one of the deeper looks into Rainbow Dash's character, as I'll talk a little more about later. As she flies, we see Rainbow Dash as she takes note of very minute things, and saves Twilight from an attacking helicopter while the two are talking. That's when Twilight realizes Rainbow Dash's learning curve and comes up with a plan. After she take her on one last flight, Rainbow Dash realizes that she's learned the entire history of the Wonderbolts. How? By planting subliminal messages like illuminiggas on the ground below while they were flying, Rainbow Dash took note of every minute thing like she did before. They had costumes, buzzwords, and big signs just like the feminist rallies, and it all worked! Rainbow Dash knew fuckin' everything! Rainbow Dash finally learned the history of the Wonderbolts, but taught Twilight an important lesson about individual learning methods. Dash, of course, scores a 100%.
     

    Cue 80's music and roll credits to the moon. GOTTA HAVE A MONTAGE. 
     
    So concludes "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3"
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    ........Nice.
     
    Yeah, aside from that blip in the middle with the awful Pinkie Pie rapping and the convolution of everyone except for Applejack and Rainbow Dash knowing the Wonderbolts' history, this was a pretty amazing episode. I must not have been paying enough attention when I first watched this. Rainbow Dash has some incredible depth in this episode into what I can only assume is her own form of ADHD. We see a character struggle with learning things both the traditional and unconventional ways, which results in Rainbow Dash calling herself a stupid loser with no future. Pretty powerful shit if you ask me, which makes the look on her face when she finally learns what she needs to learn all the more rewarding. We also get a great moral/fuck you to American school systems in this episode. No one way of learning is going to work on everyone. Individualized approaches are the way to go, which is something that has enormous real-world applicability. To ice this bitch of a cake, we have two great moments of comedy that had me fuckin' rolling; Spike's face and Applejack's scene. All of these are some pretty great reasons to love this episode, so much to the point that I can even overlook those two minutes in the middle that had me pretty pissed. Yeah...fuck it, I think "Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3" deserves a solid 10/10. Been a while since I've given one of those...............wait a minute, no it's not...I gave a 10/10 two episodes ago.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I manufacture AIDS. 
     
     
     
  8. PrymeStriker
    Just before we begin, I'd like some props for this episode literally being 4x20 without me making any Applejack eats celery/smokes weed jokes.......................................
     
    ...mostly because there were no opportunities to do so. Anyways, blazeit: 
     
    Really now? Well, if "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils" is any indication, then maybe this season can save itself after all.
     
     
    ....wait a minute, I just remembered something. Josh Haber wrote this episode. You know Josh Haber's last episode was?
     
    Simple FUCKING WAYS
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND just like that, my confidence in this episode's quality has dropped substantially. Let's crack into "Leap of Faith". 
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So this episode opens up with Big Mac and Applejack in a pond splashing water at each other in what I think is the shittiest animation the whole series up to this point. It looks like a fucking toy commercial it's so bad. What a great start. At this rate, next scene will involve Rainbow Dash getting syphilis. Wait a second, that's not a good allegory, 'cause that would actually please me. Everyone tries to encourage Granny Smith to get in the pond with them, but she goes on a long-winded explanation about why she's afraid of water. After the "Skip Intro" button blows me some minty-fresh fellatio, the Apple Family notice a bunch of sick and hurt people walking in unison like a band of zombies to a circus tent. You just can't make this shit up. When they go to investigate they se-
     

    e-...ee-e.........
     
    .................Right, BRB.
     
    HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S THE FlIM FLAM BROTHERS YASSSSSSSSSSS GURL YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS
     
    *ahem*. Alright, I'm good now. Err, they proceed to sing a rip off of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy song, now trying to pawn off their magical sickness cure tonic. As it "appears" to work on some members of the audience, Granny Smith is sold and decides to buy the tonic so she can regain her youth again. Applejack remains skeptical, but the old hag certainly gains a few springs back in her step after she downs the shit, even to the point of being able to swim again. Hey, how handy! This only makes Applejack more skeptical as she and Apple Bloom try to figure out what's actually in that elixir from the depths of Hell. When they arrive, they find one of the same ponies that were cured in the first show...pretending to be cured a second time. Logically, Applejack and Apple Bloom chase this fucker down until they learn his name: Silver Shill. Wow, what a standout name that doesn't sound like any other character's name in the show ever. They discover that he's part of the act, and follow him right to Flim and Flam themselves. Applejack confronts them about their bullshit, but explain to Applejack that even if their potion were just a mixture of apples and beet leaves, this tonic is making Granny Smith feel better. So, basically they say, "what's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?" 
     

    Applejack contemplates her existence while Apple Bloom watches porn for the first time on the big flatscreen TV to the left of Applejack. 
     
    Back at the pond, Apple Bloom asks Granny Smith to help her compete in an aquabatics competition...'cause...y'know...that's been Apple Bloom's dream this whole series. Therefore, in order to compete, she buys the Flim Flam Brothers' entire case of elixir. When people start asking Applejack if it really works, and she replies that it seems to work for Granny Smith, everyone is instantly prepared to chuck all their money at the Flimmerfloosels. Why is this important? The Flock'o'Fuck Bros. turn Applejack into the poster-child sponsor for the syrup, which in the event that the tonic doesn't work for other people, means the whole town will totally turn on her and burn her alive until she's a nice, crispy lunch dish at Apple Bloom's school. Later, at the aquabatics competition, everything goes off...without a hitch surprisingly. This even promotes the Super Mario Bros. to make the Apple family the official spokespersons for their tonic. Applejack, however, is not putting up with any of their crap. There's no time for Harplejarkle to kick Superior Mario Sibling ass today, though, because Granny Smith has gained enough confidence to do a legendary dive!
     

    Awwww HELL yeah we're gonna see some pony blood TODAY!
     
    Granny Dipshit takes one last sip of the potion before jumping to her doom, but not before Applejack lasso's her ass and saves her life. Son of a bitch! I wanted to see some gory gut-busting explosion shit this morning! A nice beating heart stew on the grass below where the ants can build their next mound. Can you imagine it?! Those little fuckers creating a network of tunnels through Granny's tangled intestines. It would've been amazing! And Applejack just had to go and ruin it! What a sick, evil, twisted bastard she is. She should be annihilated! Eviscerated! Turned into apple cider and sold on the black market in exchange for foreign child slaves! Then we'd see some real action in this fuckin' country. Goddammit Applejack, ya ruined everything!
     
     
    ...
     
    Oh, and this is a key episode apparently.
     

    REEEADING RAINBO-...wait, I should save that one for Twilight's key. That'll be funnier.
     
    Applejack fesses up to the crowds, exposing the Flavor Flav potions as a fake! This of course, prompts the whole town to accuse Applejack of lying...which she admits to. Sorry......what? She...didn't lie. At all. The only thing she ever said was  "it seems to work for Granny", which were TRUE STATEMENTS by her account. Anyone with vision could see that it seems to work for Granny Smith. That doesn't mean it fucking does. Everyone else made that conclusion. Therefore, it's the townspeople's fault for jumping the goddamn gun. Of course, this doesn't make for very good PR. So Applejack goes the whole sentimental route of "hoping to gain the public's trust once again" like some kind of celebrity Twitter apology, and Silver Shill ultimately fesses up and admits to this all being bullshit. Then he gives Applejack some money...which is about the sorriest fucking excuse for a key yet. Also, I like how all the other ponies had their keys given to them by characters that at least had some spotlight in this episode while Applejack gets this side character that had all of two scenes of screentime. GG, now it's time to indulge the journal.
     

    Oh my GOD that looks genuinely retarded. 
     
    So Applejack learns that having others believe a lie is about as stupid as that picture up above, and thus concludes "Leap of Faith".
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    ...Eh.
     
    There's some pretty good things about this episode. The conflict of having Applejack choose between being honest with the public and maintaining her family's happiness is certainly an interesting one. We see Applejack deal with two things that make up her character; her loyalty to her family and her honesty, clashing directly against each other in a way we haven't seen before. That's very nice and all, and would've made for a "well-written episode" like I mentioned above if the last four minutes didn't take a nosedive. It's no Equestria Girls leap, but the fact that she admitted to lying when by all accounts she technically didn't, and that this ended up being the lesson taught in the end...it's shaky at best. Even the Flim Flam Brothers weren't that interesting in this episode, basically just retreading their ground from "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000". Ultimately, "Leap of Faith" is an okay episode with some okay writing. Nothing special, though, by far. I'll give this episode a 7/10.
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    America is a systemically oppressed country. 
     
     
  9. PrymeStriker
    What did I episode of this think when aired it first?
     
     
    Really now? Hmmmmmm.....those are some big shoes to fill. Well, let's see how time can fuck things up. This is "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This episode opens up with Sweetie Belle waiting on Rarity to overview the costumes she made for her school play. However, Rarity is far too busy trying to perfect the dresses for one of Sapphire Shores' orders...'cause...err...remember her from season one? Once she remembers that the opening night for her sister's play is tomorrow, Rarity shits a brick. Speaking of defecating pavement blocks, after the "Skip Intro" button makes me pass a rectangular prism of cement through my bowels and out my rectum, we see that it is indeed premiere night and Rarity is not present with the costumes. Sweetie Belle fears her sister will let her down "again" until she finally shows up...to let her down "again". You see, Sweetie Belle is unimpressed with the modifications Rarity made to Sweetie Belle's dress, but the show must go on as they say in the concentration camps. 
     

    ......You know what? I agree. Those dresses look like sidewinder vomit.
     
    Alas, all the ponies that attended the school play......which are all adults for some reason...............pedophiles....................................are just flustered over the play and...the superior craftsmanship of the dresses from the pits of Hell. Sweetie Belle, as a result, becomes rather infuriated that her sister upstaged her..."again". You see, Sweetie Bell wrote, directed, and starred in this play, and yet all anyone can talk about is how amazing Rarity's dresses are. Right....so.........do these ponies have dayjobs or was there nothing better to do on a Tuesday or whatever than to watch this school play? I mean, it's just the fucking Cutie Mark Crusaders but half the town showed up, and the last time the CMC dealt with adults was during that whole...Gabby Gums shit. So, where were we? Ah, right, the pedophiles who came to the show didn't care about anything but those sexy dresses the CMC were wearing. Sweetie Belle, being the ARTEESTSTS that she is, gets pissed off her tampon and goes to yell at Rarity for taking all the glory out of her big night, and with so little effort. Sweetie Belle says this is just like her fifth birthday party, with the lapdancing Vietnamese whore and that one guy who sold crack to all of her friends, with her father criticizing her for having two nostrils instead of one like he does, and her sister trying to jam her dick into Little Tommy's naval...........oh, wait, sorry, that was my fifth birthday party.
     

    "And you didn't even give Little Tommy any cab fare. Slut."
     
    That night, Sweetie Belle finds it hard to sleep believing her sister sabotaged her play on purpose. Therefore, after she takes out a lace in the dresses for Sapphire Shores that practically ruins the structure of them all....she finds it much easier to sleep now. I don't care what anyone says, that's a genuinely funny scenario. All of a sudden, Sweetie Belle starts to have dreams. OooooOOOooh. Dreams about winning a Grammy for her play, until Rarity comes along as a giant storm-cloud here to literally rain on her parade. "Comedy". Not to fear, though, 'cause here comes Princess Luna to save the day....creepin' in on children's dreams again.....yay. That said, I'm genuinely pleased to see Luna, but you know what I just realized? Princess Luna, through seasons three, four, and five, have appeared in one of the CMC's dreams to overcome a real-world problem. For Scootaloo, in the very concluded "Sleepless in Ponyville", Sweetie Belle here, and later Apple Bloom in "Bloom and Gloom". Seeing as I'm not very far into season six right now, I wonder if that was building up to something, or if it was just a little running gag. Anyways, Sweetie Belle realizes she's dreaming, and opens up to the Princess about her big sister problems. This is where Luna talks about how she's able to relate to Sweetie Belle, having an overshadowing big sister of her own, and therefore has struggled with doing the right thing in the past. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH this episode scored major points. Meanwhile, flashback to....the fifth birthday party.
     

    "I had type 100 diabetes back then."
     
    Sweetie Belle explains that she had it all planned out: she was going to make a grand entrance as her friends waited for her downstairs. It was going to be perfect! Then, everything changed when the fire nation-I mean, Rarity, stole the spotlight with party favors and cake. One of her "friends" even says out loud, "who needs the party girl when you have the party girl's amazing sister". What....a...BITCH. I say we castrate her and send her into the pits of the damned, forever to blaze in a thousand years of grotesque Korean men gobbing her genitals like Tasmanian hog-monkeys. WHO'S WITH ME?! .............Right, just me and my own middle finger. As usual. Alright, so after this, Princess Luna suggests that maybe there's more to this story than meets the testicle. She time warps back to about 5 minutes earlier where we see her friends bored waiting for her. Then, we learn that Rarity was trying to saves Draft* Sweetie Belle's party by giving the guests party favors and cake. There's a part of me that wants to make a "Rarity's a prostitute, so party favors are party favors" joke, but...wait, nevermind, I just made it. There you go. Sweetie Belle considers that maybe her sister isn't a piece of shit, and to twist the knife around a bit more, Luna suggests that she take a look and see what could happen now that she's sabotaged Rarity's headdresses. Basically, it descends into this super grim imagery where Rarity goes fucking insane to the point of not designing dresses anymore.
     

    This is your brain on drugs. Any more questions?
     
    After this, Sweetie Belle wakes up in horror, and tries to rectify this situation. Except, it appears that Rarity's already disappeared to Canterlot to show Sapphire Shores the headdresses. So she gathers her friends...for some reason...and it's off to Canterlot to save Rarity's life! A hilarious showtunes joke is made on that train. But who cares, the succeeding scenes involve the CMC swinging across tightrope through a door to stop Rarity from descending into darkness! And wouldn't you know it, they do it! They get in there, steal the box, and fly around the building like a bunch of maniacs, distracting Rarity long enough for Sweetie Belle and Luna to fix the stitching of the headdress. After Sweetie Belle explains the whole situation to Rarity, because...you know...of course...they bring the headdress to Sapphire Shores together. And wouldn't you know it, she loves it! Cue sisterly blah. 
     

    .....................Blah.
     
    So concludes "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils".
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Um....yeah, this episode is pretty much fucking awesome.
     
    First of all, the plot is actually a good one on its own. Little sister feeling overshadowed by her big sister and what not. This for Sweetie Belle and Rarity actually turns out some great dynamic, so that's a passing grade right there. Now, that plot could've just worked out well on its own, but they added Princess Luna to the mix. This made things infinitely more interesting, because given Princess Luna's backstory and trials across the first two seasons, we know that she has a long history of trying to live out of her sister's shadow. The fact that she as a character in and of herself was able to overcome this, and that she's able to apply that here and actually help develop Sweetie Belle, is bringing it all full circle. That's a beautiful thing and a damn good piece of overarching storytelling, but catch this. They also added dream elements to this, 'cause Princess Luna's here. And, way much more so than "Sleepless in Ponyville", do we see how far the dream montages can go. It's not full-throttle pink elephant drug trip stuff, but there's some pretty heavy imagery going on here. For instance, when Princess Luna stomps her hoof and she and Sweetie Belle stand motionless while the sound effects and animation make you feel like you're hurdling through time at the speed of light, or the "Rarity's Mental Breakdown" montage. All are some excellent visuals and some pretty heavy imagery juxtaposed to Sweetie Belle's psyche during the episode. It's really quite gripping. Sprinkle in some great comedy with a good moral, and you have the makings for one of the heights of season four. I haven't felt so enthused of an MLP episode in a long ass time, and "For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils" brought it all back home. As a simply divine episode, I'm giving this story a solid 10/10.
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Why are Europeans not classified as bacteria? 
  10. PrymeStriker
    Praise the day chopped sperm tail medley was invented as a dish. Let's see what my opinions were on this episode when it first aired:
     
     
    ........Well, I've not written such thrilling, well-thought out reviews with my classic stamp of comedy since "Simple Ways". Let's dive into "Maud Pie".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So this episode begins with all the ponies arriving at Pinkie Pie's....................anonymous building I don't think we've ever seen before...............where she implores them to taste test a bunch of rock candy that she's forged for the arrival of her sister, presumably the titular character of this episode, Super Mario. After the "Skip Intro" button makes me wanna fuck a leech...in a good way...we learn that the candy is not only for Maud, but also for the rest of them so that they can all make rock candy necklaces together. I remember when I met my good friend Ted Bundy near the lava pits of Dis, and we made friendship necklaces. They were eyeball necklaces, but friendship necklaces nonetheless. Therefore, I can sympathize with the premise. Pinkie Pie assumes that she, her sister, and her friends will all become the best-est of best-ish friends, and proceeds to pick Maud up from the train station while the other five nigglets set up a picnic for the lot. Everyone's quite nervous to hit it off with Maud for Pinkie Pie's sake, but when Maud finally arrives...slowly walking over the hilly brush...the ponies learn that she's basically a monotonous bore to contrast with Pinkie Pie. And we fucking love it, don't we folks?
     

    "This rock is the exact size and shape of my last kidney stone."
     
    When the other five ponies try to make conversation with Maud Pie, we learn that Maud's behavior is liken to that of someone with a severe case of......oh, how do I put this in the most politically correct terms.............Assburger's Sydrome. This makes for some great comedic moments coupled with the dull delivery of her lines and the way the animators tackle her facial expressions, like when she says that the game of Camouflage is "like Hide and Seek but way more intense", they lift up her eyelids to accentuate the extensive "way", but in a very sloth-like manner to the point where they don't even bulge like you would expect. This episode is full of halfway anti-jokes like that, and we fucking love it, don't we folks? So after a fruitless game of Camouflage, Pinkie Pie takes Maud back to her house to try the rock candy they're going to use to engage in incestuous intercourse make their friendship necklaces. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND here's the problem with this episode. Pinkie Pie's insistence that her friends become best friends with her sister when they lot of them clearly have nothing in common is ridiculous. You can't force anyone to be friends with someone else, especially when their interests so obviously divide to great distances. This concept is pushed to more ridiculous and plot-crippling extremes in season five, but this is the first time chronologically in the show that I'm noticing it. Therefore, the five dumbcocks deduce that the best course of actions is for each of them to try to befriend Maud one at a time rather than all at once. First up is Rarity, where Maud insists on crafting a scarf out of a dishtowel. Ahahah......heh..............*ahem*......................................
     

    Maud and Pinkie Pie while watching the ever-thrilling film adaption of "Fifty Shades of Grey".
     
    Next is Fluttershy, where Maud dismisses interest in animals in favor of rocks. Aha..........................................................*coughs blood*. Y'know, I remember finding this episode absolutely hilarious because of Maud's dull delivery. What happened? I clearly didn't outgrow deadpan humor. Kyle Eschen videos still make me jizz blue slurry. Even the more recent "The Gift of Maud Pie" episode made me laugh a lot harder than this one currently is. Err.....I mean........Maud Pie, don't we...fucking love it, folks? Well, let's see. The episode isn't over. Even "The Maud of Gift Pie" didn't have me completely rolling on the floor until the end of the second act. This is only the first half. Let's continue with the Maudening of the friends. At Twilight's, Maud recites a poem about rocks: "Rock. You are a rock. Grey, you are grey. Like a rock, which you are, rock...................I've written thousands". Meh, that joke was pretty good. With Applejack, we see Maud peeling apples by completely obliterating them with rocks. Okay, that was also pretty good. Finally, with Rainbow Dash, we see her and Maud participating in a rock-throwing contest. When Rainbow Dash manages to throw a moderately-sized rock across the pond, Maud shows her up by throwing a rock way over the hills of Ponyville, where it lands off in the horizon, causing a massive explosion that sends ripples through the air and blows almost the entire pond on to Rainbow Dash.
     
    ...Ah, there we go, I actually laughed. About fucking time.
     

    Remember when we used to drop those on Japan? That was fun.
     
    Back at Pinkie Pie's, once everyone's realized that they don't have anything worth sharing with Maud, they finally break down and admit to Pinkie Pie that it may be impossible for them and her sister to become friends. Finally, someone fucking says something. This obviously disappoints Pinkie Pie, but if I'm perfectly honest, I couldn't give less than one rat's molten ass. Pinkie Pie has gone full retard if she thought she could force people to become friends with each other. I feel like she learned this before, though, about not trying to force friendships. Oh wait, she DID. In "A Friend in Deed", when she tried to get Cranky Doodle Donkey to be her friend. If she learns this same lesson by the end of it all, we can add this to the list of season four rehash morals. Well, let's see if I'll be brushing my teeth with cyanide juice tonight. After Pinkie Pie's fit of disappointment in not being able to bring everyone closer together, she decides on one super-activity that will bring everyone closer together. An obstacle/puzzle course called "PinkieRainbowRariTwiAppleFlutterMaudSuperCaliFragilisticExpiAliDociousMegaUltraQuasigenderFuckazoidTicktardNigerianAIDS-SandwichKikeDoodlePantsFunTime". This insane course of epic proportions includes an applesauce tunnel for Applejack, glitter fabric for Rarity, running through books for Twilight, "critter time" for Fluttershy (yikes), a cupcake dome for Pinkie Pie, a rockslide for Maud, and it all being a race is for Rainbow Dash. The other stuff is all represented by the word "gay" written on a big billboard. 
     

    I smell a vomit coming on.
     
    The others show concern for the safety of participating in this clusterfuck of fuck-all, so Pinkie Pie demonstrates how each task is done. Except, when she gets her leg caught in the rock slide and the whole thing starts to fall apart, Maud super-runs to the rescue and basically digs the biggest boulder in the rockslide into dust with her own hooves........sorry, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? This insane ability of Maud's comes out of left field without the slightest of explanation other than "duhhhhhhh sister love lul sing me a Frozen song". After that clusterfuck, Maud basically says "this is bullshit, I don't have anything in common with these ponies, screw you guys, I'm going home". Just when you wish that was the end of the episode, Twilight deduces that they all have one special thing in common with Maud that only the closest of friends could share...........their love for Pinkie Pie? Ah yes, of course. You see, if you're best friends with ya nigga, and yo nigga has a brother who's very close to ye nigga but he's a serial killing rape murderer, that makes you super ultra best friends with that person because you both love yi nigga a lot. BULL. TOTAL BULL. And of course, when Maud is asked if she agrees with this sentiment, she breaks into emotional whimsy and spouts out.............."Sure".
     
    ....................................................................Alright, that made me laugh pretty hard, especially given the ridiculousness of the "resolve" up to that point. In the end, Maud receives all the many friendship candy necklaces, and puts them all in a box with all the other necklaces Pinkie Pie's made. As Maud explains, she doesn't like candy. 
     

    "Heathen. Away with your head. Put her in the chamber with the hounds where she can rot in a thousand days of the torturous removal of the flesh from her bones. Candy reigns supreme says the Princess of Friendship!"
     
    And so concludes "Maud Pie"..............................................wait a minute, what the fuck was the moral of that?
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Looks like yet another polarizing episode.
     
    "Maud Pie" has some good comedy in it, though a lot of it is rather hit or miss compared to future Maud appearances. This aspect surprised me given how much I remember liking Maud. And I do, as a character, she is quite the antithesis of this show's colorful cast of smiley fucks. Her dynamic with Pinkie Pie, especially that scene on the train where they share just one-on-one dialogue, is certainly interesting. It's just that I guess I expected to laugh more like I've done with Maud before, and that just didn't happen this time. Maybe that's for the better, because it allowed me to see this episode's somewhat flawed storytelling. Now, granted, there's nothing wrong with the pacing or anything wrong with the way the story is told, it's just these key elements that drive me up the wall: the premise and the moral. Pinkie Pie trying to force her friends to become best friends with her sister is a stupid premise because 1) It's a goal that becomes rather annoying and grating after a while given we know these ponies aren't getting along, and 2) because Pinkie Pie learned not to force friendships before. I'm being a little lenient on how many points this flaw deducts, though, because there's admittedly one thing that makes this episode different from the likes of "A Friend in Deed". In that episode, Pinkie Pie was trying to force a friendship between herself and a stranger. Here, she's trying to force a friendship between two parties that she knows very personally and assumed would get along well. I can believe that Pinkie Pie would want her friends to become friends with a relative because I can believe someone would want this in real life. Usually, though, people in real life realize when it's not gonna happen, which brings me to the moral, or lack thereof. What the hell is this episode trying to teach? That if you and a stranger have a mutual friend or otherwise strong bond with the same person, you should accept that stranger as your own friend despite whether or not you two get along? Maybe that would work when you two have to share time with the mutual friend, but not when trying to click on a one-on-one basis. This episode, to my memory, is the first of a handful of episodes moving forward, both in this season and most prominently in the next, where we see our characters trying to push off friendship as an abide-by-or-die practice. It only gets worse from here. So, what about this episode? Were the flaws of the storytelling matched or outweighed by Maud's characterization or her dynamic with Pinkie Pie? I think they both share equal footing, honestly. The positives in this episode are just as valid as the negatives. I think I'll give "Maud Pie" a 6/10 overall. 
     
    And...yeah...Maud isn't quite awesome just yet.
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    All I want for Christmas is a Pakistani pair of boob legs. 
  11. PrymeStriker
    Ah, right, so...why wasn't there a review last week.......hmmmmmmm.....
     
    ...College applications? Yeah, that's a good excuse. I'll go with that. College applications.
     
    Right, so, let's take a look at my opinions on this episode back when it first aired:
     
    .........................
     
    The fuck?
     
    ...............I didn't post anything about "Somepony to Watch Over Me" when it aired?
     
    .......................................................................Oooooh boy.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    So this episode opens up with the Cutie Mark Crusaders waiting outside a door in the Apple Family Household, on the verge of hearing a "decision" from the other Apples that will change Apple Bloom's life "forever". Ah, yes, I remember waiting outside the doors of my parents bedroom at the ripe age of four, desperately awaiting their decision as to whether they were going to cut my dick off and feed it to my brothers and sisters. It was an unpleasant meal, but vengeance is sweet. Luckily, Apple Bloom does not have to endure a spay and instead receives the okay from her superiors to...le gasp...stay home alone! Yipeehoorraaayadoodle! After the "Skip Intro" button cures cancer, we see Applejack and Big Mac filling a cart full of apple pies for delivery, which makes me hungry for a pizza. I must resist the urge of delicious anchovies and minced rectum plasma in a stuffed crust. Before they all head off, Applejack hands Apple Bloom a list of instructions for when she's human basically doing any little small task that an infant learns before being pushed out of the womb. As Applejack heads off on her quest, she worries about Apple Bloom's ability to take care of herself on her own. Right....because letting her roam around Ponyville and through the Everfree Forest is perfectly safe, but staying home is a life-threatening experience. Blow me. 
     
      
    Big Mac had no time for any of Applejack's crap.
     
    Alas, Applejack goes back to check on Apple Bloom, who's just finished all of Applejack's inane chores. When Applejack gives Apple Bloom a jumpscare and causes her to make a small mess in the kitchen, Applejack decides that she's not going anywhere! You know what I just realized? I kinda hate Applejack in this episode. Like, I'm not going to criticize her for taking the Twilight approach to over-obsessive panic, although that's a legitimate complaint this episode has earned, but rather for two much simpler reasons: 1) Applejack's behavior is imbecilic given all the things Apple Bloom is allowed to do as I've mentioned before. Not only for the "continuity errors" if you can even call them that, but for the fact that she's abandoning her delivery and therefore her paycheck for aimless indulgence. 2) This is the same plotline from "Bridle Gossip", a much shittier episode. It's with season four that we start seeing these rehashed storylines that involve the main characters learning the same lessons they did in the previous three seasons. We saw this in "Rainbow Falls", "Filli Vanilli", and we're also seeing it here. Applejack learned in "Bridle Gossip" not to treat her little sister like a vegetable that can't take care of herself, and we're retreading the same grounds except now it's even moreso the main focus of the episode. Anyways, point is, because Applejack's had to go through this bullshit arc before, her revamping it here is tired and adds to the dis-likability (if that's even a fucking word) of her portrayal. So, as you might imagine, big sister is watching.
     

    "The New World Order is soon upon us."
     
    Applejack's manic-obsessive protectiveness goes to intense extremes, like having Apple Bloom wear a helmet, putting pillows over anything that's sharp, making Apple Bloom wear a helmet, putting plastic clingwrap on everything, and forcing Apple Bloom to wear two helmets. My tolerance of Applejack has graduated from hate to pure annoyance. My advice to Apple Bloom is to find the nearest turret and let a rip on her ass. In times of desperation, Apple Bloom calls upon her Cutie Mark Crusader pals to help her figure a way out of this mess. Scootaloo cracks the code: she and Sweetie Belle take turns pretending to be Apple Bloom in bed sleeping, while the real Bapple Loom goes out and delivers that cart of pies to their destination. That way, she can prove to Applejack that she doesn't need her watching over her. It's so brilliant, they start to break out into SONG!
     
     
    ............Alright, this is one of the funniest things in the fourth season.
     
    Hence, the escape plan is hatched, and all goes according to plot for a little while. But when Scootaloo blows their cover by shouting in glee when Applejack admits maybe she's going overboard, the latter retard goes into full down syndrome mode and runs around the room in panic searching for Apple Bloom. This panic, in fact, is warranted, since the delivery route includes wandering through a forest with a dangerous...tiger...snake...thing....in it. Is there not a safer route to this fucking location? I mean, even Happytown Hell has a scenic route. It's a scenic route of mangled brains hanging off of chains, but a scenic route nonetheless. As this tigersnakegoat thing attempts to eat Apple Bloom...she realizes she's in over her head and tries to escape this deadly forest. However, she turns around to go back for the pie cart. Apple Bloom is a retard confirmed. Therefore, she eventually gets cornered by the superhappyfuntimetigersnakegoat, and on the verge of death, is saved by Applejack just in time. Applejack swoops in with fire-retardant boots and weapons of mass destruction like a chair and a snake charmer. 
     

    Brings a whole new meaning to being sentenced to the chair. HUEUHEUHEUHEUHEUHEHE
     
    At the end of it all, Applejack lectures her sister about not being able to handle shit herself, until Apple Bloom shows her that she kept the cart safe. And only now does Applejack realize, "maybe I should stop babying other living creatures?" If only she'd also realized "maybe I should kill myself?". That would make my Christmas. Right, so after all this shit, we finally get to the very predictable conclusion that, yeah, Apple Bloom can take care of herself........for the second time. Admitting that she got "a little carried away" with annoying the hell out of me for 22 minutes, the two sisters make up and descend into fanfic territory. In the end, they make the delivery to the swamp hillbillies (which is also pretty amusing), and the rest is history. There's not even time for a journal entry in this episode. Whoopty-fucking-do.
     

    Not pictured: cup with Applejack's shit in it.
     
    So concludes "Somepony to Watch Over Me".
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    That song section was funny as all Hell and I'm glad that it's a thing that exists in this show...
    ...but the rest of this episode was pretty crap.
     
    Now, I say pretty crap because I don't necessarily hate this episode like I'm sure some other people do. It's still, however, a poorly written spectacle. First of all, the plot of this episode has already been done before with "Bridle Gossip", with Applejack being overprotective of Apple Bloom. The circumstances were slightly different, but the story is essentially the same, right down to Apple Bloom's repetitive dialogue such as "I can take care of myself". Therefore, the plot's already been done before and Applejack had already supposedly learned her lesson. Secondly, Applejack herself is an unlikable annoying prick in this story. The way she incessantly smiles and does those kiddish chuckles every time Apple Bloom tries to do something for herself or one of her baby-proof contraptions is pointed out is irritating. It's honestly like watching someone lose brain cells. In fact, I'm sure I've lost a few myself from watching Applejack's imbecilic performance. Finally, I think these episodes by nature kind of get on my nerves anyway considering, "real talk" warning, most of my childhood has been rather tarnished by my parents keeping me stuffed in the bubble of their household, not allowing me to engage in much activity on my own or with many of my peers without their close supervision or without knowing where I was at any given second of the day. I compensate for it nowadays, but given that I went through that kind of overprotective crap and resent it, I'm not exactly geared to enjoy a TV show reminding me of the idiocy of at least one of my parents. Henceforth, while this episode might have been doomed from the getgo for a relatively low rating from me, there are still serious writing flaws that do prevent it from earning any positive score. I'm giving "Somepony to Watch Over Me" a 4/10. 
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Genocide is so mainstream. 
  12. PrymeStriker
    Just the title of this episode alone makes me want to go to my nearest orphanage and burn it down with a single Molotov cocktail, and then film it and use it as my Patreon trailer. Let's see if my sour-ass memories were shared when it first aired.
    .......................th....the fuck? I liked the Breezie episode? B....But I thought that I thought this episode was trash! Well, I also thought I could speak English and breathe, but time has a way of changing things. And how. Let's see if this onion holds up. This is "It Ain't Easy Being Breezies"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This episode opens up with Fluttershy addressing the rest of her friends about how the Breezies will be making their way through Ponyville today. At least it's not another episode that's plot revolves around a contest, competition, or big social event. Ponyville throws more fucking parties than Club Penguin (RIP 2005-2017). Anyways, Fluttershy is making sure everything's in place for their arrival, mainly ensuring that the Pegasi give the Breezies just the right amount of wind to soar to their destination, because Breezies are crippled invalids apparently. She also wants to put together a quiet cheer for them...........................ah, yes, and then we can start a friendly war and do some lively killing for the glory of our follow-the-crowd leaders. After the "Skip Intro" button makes me orgasm into a flurry of vanilla pudding, we're in the town squ-.....oh, for fuck's sake, they even turned this into a party.
     

    Member when the show didn't rely on overzealous gatherings to convey its plotpoints? Me neither. 
     
    Fluttershy explains to the audience Mr. and Mrs. Cake how the Breezies' magic works, through the awesome power of breeze, they are able to protect the pollen they have to carry from wherever pollen comes from back to their home. However, they have two days to do this or else the portal to their home closes. Interrupting this mythology, Rarity shows up in an over-the-top dress that's so shiny it's blinding. That's how she distracts people from looking at the herpes on her lip, huehuehue. But that's all over now, it's time for the Breezies to pass over Ponyville like a bad kidney stone. Speaking of kidney stones, Spike shows up hoping to catch a better glimpse of the Breezies. So he climbs a tree, but walking on the branch catapults a leaf into the wind and disrupts the flow of the Breezies' southern migration (in-jokes make me cum). This splits the Breezies into two groups, and it's up to Fluttershy to save the gay. So she jumps into the stream and tells them all to...cling to her? Err......okay. So, apparently that stops them all from spinning horridly out of control and Fluttershy manages to land them safely on the ground. That's when we learn that one of the Breezies, Seabreeze, can speak English and not that German/Swedish/Russian/Gibberish language that the rest of the lot do, which is convenient for the plot in that we can have our two main characters construct dialogue. Now for some conflict in our story; the Breezies don't want to leave Fluttershy now. 
     

    Fluttershy, I think you have some bugs in your...everywhere.
     
    So she takes them back to her cottage, because that's logical. As the rest of the freeloaders mooch off of Fluttershy's kindness, Seabreeze is having a spastic fit. Also, Seabreeze is apparently male, despite speaking in the same high pitched voice as the rest of them and literally sharing model outlines with all of them. The fucker even has pink hair. How the fuck are you supposed to tell the testicles from the ovaries? As Mr. Manly Breezie complains about wanting to go home, the other Breezies all pretend to have colds so they don't have to leave Fluttershy's cottage, and she buys right into it. Right, now I'm seeing the problem with this episode, Fluttershy's stupid. It's not like we had a whole episode dedicated to her learning to be assertive OH WAIT. Yeah, and not only is she incapable of detecting bullshit, but she's also letting all her knowledge about the Breezies go out the window. Given the rules explained by Fluttershy herself at the beginning of this episode, by keeping them at her cottage Fluttershy is destroying the possibility of the Breezies going back home. To their families. The Breezies willing to abandon their lives and the ones they love is odd in and of itself, but the fact that Fluttershy in all of her infinite wisdom on the well-being of other creatures is indulging this is...dare I say...really out of character. Hell, Rainbow Dash is wiser than Fluttershy by encouraging her to stop coddling the Breezies for the sake of nature. Alas, the retardation continues.

    I don't think I've ever wanted to smack Fluttershy before....................there's a first time for everything. 
     
    Finally, Seabreeze crashes the party and basically calls everyone out for their stupidity. I like Seabreeze. He should have his own show, called "These Fucking Dipshits". That's when Fluttershy snaps out of it says "maybe you cuntlickers should leave". But once they convince her that they're "scared" again, and Fluttershy tries to protect the Breezies' precious feelings by coddling them for just a few more minutes, Seabreeze just up and leaves to fly home on his own. It's about time this show had a character that didn't put up with bullshit. And the fact that he's been insulting everyone this whole time...yeah, I think Seabreeze is probably one of the show's best guest characters. Problem is, like we said before, the Breezies can't handle conditions too harsh for their bodies, and this is especially true with Seabreeze flying about on his own. Well a lot of neat stuff happened on his adventure, like almost getting crushed by acorns, being attacked by a swarm of bees, a volcano adventure, being inside a TARDIS, and a battle with a ferocious dragon. Wait a minute................yeah, okay, those happened. I doubted my narrative for a second. Just before Seabreeze is about to be killed off by the bees, Fluttershy shows up and enacts the assertiveness she forgot about for the second act and tells the buzzing yellowjackets to go fuck their mother. It's here when Fluttershy realizes that, by trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, she's jeopardized the safety of the Breezies, the structure of their families, as well as the balance of the nature. 
     
    ......HOLY FUCK THIS IS A COMMENTARY ON POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.....also, this is a key episode.
     
     
    I don't think I've ever been so pleased to see eyes burning in beautiful colors. Wait, yes I have.
     
    Well, this episode just did a complete 180. Fluttershy takes Seabreeze back home and tells the rest of the Breezies to go fuck their mothers, finally working on a plan to get them back home. However, more trouble arises when Rainbow Dash and the other Pegasi are unable to get a Breeze going that is light or strong enough for the small group of Breezies to take flight. That's when Twilight comes in to say "hey, I just found this spell that can turn us all into Breezies".
     
     
    ............Nigga...........................WHAT?!
     
    So, they had time to establish every rule that would come into play later in the episode except for this spell. Can you say "DEUS EX MACHINA"? Well, this episode just did a complete 180. So apparently this fixes everything, as I guess the group just needed six more Breezies. I just realized it may be grammatically incorrect to keep capitalizing Breezies.........welp, too late now. On the journey back home, Seabreeze rushes out an apology about how he was a dick to the rest of his group, which adds fuel to the blazing inferno of this terrible resolution. They don't even have enough time to show the journal entry this time, it's just a voice over as our main cast leaves the Breezies' home......down in, Fraggle Rock or whatever the hell that place is. In the end, Seabreeze gives Fluttershy a flower, which we can only assume is her key. 

    I want to make a "deflowering" virginity joke. I want to.
     
    In the end, Fluttershy learns that urgency > feelings, and they all magically turn back into ponies. So concludes "It Ain't Easy Being Breezies"
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Holy shit is this episode really polarizing. On one hand, there's a lot of crap in this episode. Fluttershy purposely endangering the Breezies for what at the time seemed to be just sheer stupidity seemed really out of character for her, given she's been very adamant about making sure other creatures are safe. There's the last three minutes that ruin a lot of this episode, by pulling a bullshit spell out of nowhere, making Seabreeze undergo a total character transformation in just twenty seconds, and then the rushed pace of it all. Some have even argued that the logic of the Breezies' very existence in this world makes little sense as far as their ability to survive in nature without the help of ponykind. On the other hand, there's a lot of gems in this episode. The moral basically states that most times feelings shouldn't take priority, and that's very mature for this show to tackle. The fact that is so heavily applies to the culture of today, as well as the fact that my outspoken opposition to political correctness and social justice warriors, the theme is both an applicable and personal one. Some of the comedy is even pretty decent in this episode, and up until those last three minutes, Seabreeze taking the piss out of everyone and calling out people for their stupidity is something I absolutely loved. So, what the fuck do I rate this. There are some real problems and some real good stuff going on within these 22 minutes. I'm going to have to settle at roughly a 7/10. It might've scored a lower if I didn't admire the moral so much, 'cause goddamn that resolution sucked. Oh well.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Small tits should be illegal.
     
  13. PrymeStriker
    So I put up a banner....
    Okay, let's see. "Twilight Time".........................................................................................................................
     
    FINALLY! A WHOLE EPISODE ABOUT TWILIGHT MASTURBATING!
    It's like the Pony Gods have answered my prayers. This'll be rrriiiiiiich. Alright, as per matter of course, it's time to take a trip down memory lane and see what I thought about this episode when it first aired. 
    Wow. That was the most thought provoking review I've ever read. Like, it makes me really consider my place in the universe, man. Have you ever, like, stopped to look at the grass, man? It's like, way far out brah. Peace and love, maaan............No, seriously, that was my entire post on this episode's thread on the forums, no clipping involved. Strange considering I remember at least giving a paragraph every episode. Well, just like last time, we're going to see if this opinion holds up. This, is *snicker*..wait a minute, I can't....*giggle*......."Twilight Time".
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So this episode opens up with the Cutie Mark Crusader-OH NO, GOD, TWILIGHT. NOT THE CHILDREN. YOU CAN'T MASTURBATE TO THE CHILDREN. THAT'S CHEERILEE'S JOB! Oooooh dear, this joke took a very unexpected turn. So...um...this episode opens up with Twilight teaching the Cutie Mark Crusaders....."new skill sets". *shivers*. Specifically, Scootaloo is practicing putting together bikes and such, Sweetie Belle is practicing her levitation magic, and Apple Bloom is practicing...potions. As Sweetie Belle exclaims that she will never get her cutie mark with these talents, Twilight explains that while they may not receive cutie marks, it's always good acquire new skills. Establishing from the beginning that these skills aren't going to play a major role in the CMC arc. It's almost like they were still building this arc up until season five gave it a radical turn of events for no apparent reason. Alas, it is true, the CMC aren't very good at the new talents they're working on, but it's because they're still learning. Apple Bloom fucks up her flower-growing potion so bad that they grow a flower with intense tuberculosis (not joking), and then laugh at it. This may be sickening and disturbing to some, but I find it to be among the series most hilarious jokes 'cause I'm a twisted fuck.
     
     
    From birth, this little fucker had no chance.
     
    After the "Skip Intro" button makes me taste the sweet, sweet fumes of sperm sandwich, we return to the school where Diamond Tiara and her bitch are gathering all their classmates around to tell them that she's going to do some acrobatics now. And the rest of the school should care...why? ....Eh, fuck it, they do care for some reason. When Diamond Tiara explains that she's tired, though, she brings her butler to do the tricks for her. After he's done, she gets all the accolades from her peers because the schoolponies in this episode are really stupid. Like, more than usual. As the CMC watch in disgust, Sweetie Belle suggests that if they get really good at the stuff Twilight's teaching them (oh dear Jesus), maybe they will be the big shots around here. Yeah! Then Diamond Tiara can go give a cactus a blowjob! However, when Diamond Tiara tease the CMC about not being able to do anything cool, Sweetie Belle blurts out that they hang out with Princess Twilight all the time. And, to paraphrase a quote from 00mariofan4eva00's glorious magnum opus fan fiction "CRISIS IN TIMESPACE": "ad twilite dimond tiera was so shock to hear." I mean, my memories a bit blurry on early season continuity, but hasn't Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon seen Twilight before? In fact, haven't they seen her with the CMC? I mean, I'm not taking points off for this since I'm not sure, and it's reasonable to believe that Diamond Tiara would be shocked that they hang out "all the time" per-say, but it's still a bit odd. Regardless, Diamond Tiara suddenly wants to come along with the CMC to "Twilight Time" herself. You know what unfortunate scandal keeps coming to mind whenever I think of the title of this episode? The accusations against Michael Jackson for child molestation in the 90's. 
     

    Twilight proceeded to go Tirek on their asses.....in very raunchy ways. GOD THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE SUCKS SO MUCH.
     
    As you see above, the CMC thought it funny to see Diamond Tiara being a tryhard around them, so they brought her and her bitch along for the lols. Twilight, however, was not lol. She suggested that they keep Twilight Time "just between us". OHHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFUCK. This episode is not making it difficult with how many times you can take this shit out of context! Anyways, the CMC expected to see Diamond Tiara try and fail at doing some task Twilight assigns them, but when Twilight explains that Twilight Time is only for the CMC, they are now forced to display their inexperience to Diamond Tiara, which can only turn out so well. While they didn't make fun of the CMC, they eventually told everyone at school about Twilight Time, and now they all want to experience it for themselves, which causes a whole new slew of problems for the CMC. Luckily, Sweetie Belle's "got this", as she laughs at the thought of the plan anyway now she's at her grave. *ahem*. Sorry, more fanfiction references. Instead of inviting all the ponies to Twilight Time per-say, she invites Twilight out to a public place for lunch in which the schoolponies can stalk her through the window. GG. GG. 
     

    Hmm, what age-old meme can I resurrect for this caption? Oh, yes. "I always feel like somebody's watching me". 
     
    Once Twilight inevitably sees the paparazzi outside, she goes out to investigate only to be swarmed by schoolponies. However, instead of being mad at the CMC, she welcomes the attention and then bids the CMC farewell. So it works out for everyone. Twilight isn't mad, and the CMC's popularity grows stronger. Whodathunk. It seems the CMC are actually climbing up the ladder as they use their popularity as a means to get favors....that is, until the CMC explain that the schoolponies can't join them for Twilight Time. Then they all turn into angry mob zombies and try to kill our three dipshits. They even beat them to Twilight's library, as the great princess herself opens the door to see a swarm of schoolponies at her door. The CMC try to explain that they didn't mean for this to get out of hand, but Twilight need hear no more. She's...perfectly okay with all the ponies joining them for Twilight Time. Err, then what was the point of the "just between us" line, you might ask? Apparently it was just for the CMC's benefit, Twilight herself doesn't mind. Mmmmmm....seems a bit wonky. If that were the case, I don't think Twilight would say to keep this just between them so much as she'd ask the CMC if they're sure they wanna bring other ponies along. The tipping point for Twilight is when she learns that the CMC have been harping Twilight Time as a means for popularity in school, and henceforth challenges the CMC to display the improvement of the skillsets they've learned to prove that they were learning from Twilight for learning's sake. As you might imagine, they haven't had much time to practice, and proceed to fuck up faster than two quasigender modems can interface and reproduce infant swan turtles.
     

    So that's what Twilight's cum looks like!
     
    Diamond Tiara attempts to tease the CMC for not coming to Twilight Time "to learn", but then Twilight unleashes a super sick burn by stating "neither did any of you". #REKT #BESTVINES2017 #GONESEXUAL #COPSINVOLVED. The CMC proceed to apologize to Twilight for unleashing shit's creek, and as they prepare to leave, actually manage to prove their skillsets better than before, with Apple Bloom growing a flower that Sweetie Belle levitates to Twilight's hair. It's this small act that forces the princess to reconsider everything and give them a chance. Over time, the CMC learn to improve their skills and even get to write an entry in the journal that went nowhere, delivering the moral about forgiveness or whatever. The twist to it all is that the CMC...sort of have to keep Twilight Time a secret now. FOR FUCKS SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE, YOU'RE NOT MAKING THIS EASY!!!!!!! ............................................................................*cough*............So, um, it's disguise time?
     

    "Sometimes it's so nifty, when I'm really really shifty in disguiiiise". What? That one's at least more recent!
     
    And so concludes...heh..."Twilight Time"
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pedophile innuendo ruined this episode for me, but luckily I can separate that from the quality of this episode. Um...yeah, my opinion is pretty much the same as it was three years ago. It's...an okay episode. It's another one of those episodes that is sort of by-the-books in terms of plot, character development, pacing, moral, and all that. Especially for a CMC episode, mind you, this one's pretty run of the mill. I mean, there were some points in the episode that legitimately threw me for a loop, such as how many times Twilight was willing to dodge anger at the CMC, even when it almost didn't make sense. But then there's how Sweetie Belle was basically pulling all the strings this time around without it completely being a Sweetie Belle episode. There's even bits of good comedy in here, like Spike and the nachos later on during the episode. Even still, there's not a whole lot that exceeded my expectations in the long run, and on the subjective side, I became quickly bored of the storyline halfway through. "Twilight Time" isn't a bad episode, and if I had found some kind of enjoyment in it, it might've scraped an 8/10. As it stands, it'll just have to sit at the rating that most bland or most run-of-the-mill episodes get: 7/10.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Brazil isn't real. 
  14. PrymeStriker
    So I trench through the bullshit fuckazoid of "Rainbow Falls" and the unusually crap Discord episode of "Three's A Crowd" to be rewarded with "Pinkie Pride" and the ability to skip "Simple Ways"................for this piece of shit.
     
    Luckily, to my recollection, "Filli Vanilli" was the episode that marked a turnaround in season four. Whereas with the first half of the season, every other episode was a steaming pile of horseshit, the second half stayed pretty consistent in quality. Except, that is, for this episode. A bit of trivia, "Simple Ways" was not only my first review on the blog, but also the first instance of me regularly reviewing episodes on this forum. You see, I joined this forum in January of 2013, but didn't start this blog until August of 2014, when I realized I wanted to go into more extensive detail on a scene-to-scene basis of each episode. Before that, I referred to the "Show Discussion" forums. When "Simple Ways" first aired, I posted along with thousands of other regulars in the episode's topic, and from this episode until "Twilight's Kingdom", you can find my original thoughts on each episode of season four as it aired, and maybe compare how my opinion has changed with age moving forward. What's the point of this? Well.........even back when I first saw it, I thought "Filli Vanilli" was a piece of crooked dick. 
    Well, let's see if that opinion holds up, shall we? This is "Filli Vanilli"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This episode opens up with Fluttershy singing, what a shock, about what a great day it is, when all of a sudden she clenches up when she learns that the other five heard her singing.
     
    ....
     
    Sorry....WHAT? H...have you all been deaf the past four seasons? With all the hundreds of shit pop songs you fuckers have forced upon us, many of which have included Fluttershy, you bitchcunts are now just realizing, in SEASON FOUR episode FOURTEEN, that Fluttershy has a great voice?!
     
    ...
     
    Welp, this episode is already bullshit, GG. Not even a new record for the series. Now, before people ragequit in the comments, let me defend my point, because someone has already tried to cover the writers' asses to me before about this. The defense is that previous musical numbers were not part of the canon of the world, but more of a performance to the audience. Which I can buy. What I can't buy about this premise is that it's the focal point of this episode, and it's Fluttershy, because this opens up a can of worms. Which musical numbers were canon and which ones weren't? Because Pinkie Pie references the "Smile Song" quite a few times despite that musical number in particular being way too over the top to be an actual event that happened, and I'm sure there are other examples of this if I bothered listing all of this show's songs. You could've avoided this all by writing this as a Sweetie Belle episode. It was just that fucking easy. Just replace it all with a talent show or something, then this episode would be a less contrived cliché and just a plain boring cliché. Oh, speaking of how Pinkie Pie loves to make her friends smile, she runs her mouth about all the possible things that could go wrong with Fluttershy singing in front of a crowd which brings her to tears.
     
    "'Cause all I really need's that smile, smile, smile, from these happy friends of mine."
     
    Piece of Bullshit #2: Pinkie Pie's incessant twisting of the knife in this episode. I think she only has two scenes of it, but goddamn is it fucking annoying, and clearly way out of character for her. Especially considering in the last episode I reviewed her whole turning point is realizing she's hurt her friends, in this episode she's a completely oblivious.......idiot. Let me guess, Amy Keating Rogers wrote this? Of course she fucking did. Oh, right, sorry, I almost forgot, after the Skip Intro button makes me suck the dick of a statue of Jesus, we see Pinkie Pie twisting the aforementioned dildo, as well as Rarity trying to get Fluttershy to join her........quartet...........that includes herself and Big Macintosh?
     
    ....Sorry, WHAT?!
     
    RARITY of all ponies was in a fucking QUARTET? Nevermind that, BIG MACINTOSH IS A SINGER?! WHEN THE FUCKING HELL DID THIS SHIT HAPPEN? THEY ACT LIKE RARITY AND BIG MAC'S QUARTET ARE SOME WELL KNOWN FUCKING GROUP BUT YET THIS COMPLETELY OUT-OF-LEFT FIELD ADDITION TO THE PLOT IS THE FIRST TIME WE'RE EVER FUCKING HEARING ABOUT IT, AND IT'S A RUSHED INTRODUCTION INTERRUPTED BY FULL-BLOWN RETARD PINKIE PIE.
     
    What a terrible, god awful first three minutes. Fluttershy, however, states that she does not want to perform with Rarity's quartet, the Ponytones, in their show for the Pet Fundraiser. Likely because of some skimpy stories she's heard...huehue Rarity's a slut lel. In actuality, it's because Fl-it's stage fright, isn't it? ...Yep, saw that shit coming a mile away. So not only is this setup complete bullshit, but it's true, the plot of this episode is a complete cliché. Later, during construction of the pet fundraiser, we see the Ponytones rehearsing, with Big Mac singing lead. Fuck, this contrived setup just keeps getting juicier.
     

    Bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks / B-b-b-bitches aint shit but hoes and tricks
     
    Tragedy soon strikes, however, when Big Mac arrives the next morning with a sore throat, unable to let his pipes be unleashed upon the world. But we can't have a musical number without Big Mac. Does that sentence seem weird as fuck? Good, proves this episode's bullshit. You see, he lost his voice trying to do a turkey call, in which Pinkie Pie beat him at. It's like Pinkie's trying to sabotage this whole thing for no good reason, but she's not. However, Fluttershy comes up with a great idea: take him to Zecora for voodoo medicine. When Zecora relays that the cure won't have him fixed by that night, she suggests that they have Fluttershy infect herself with poison joke like she did in "Bridle Gossip" to go all transvestite again. That way, she can lipsync for Big Mac backstage!  This reminds me of that Milli Vanilli scandal back in....................
     
    ........Oh.....................................................................................................................GG...................
     
    .................*ahem*...With some reluctance, Fluttershy agrees to this and lipsyncs Big Mac's part for the fundraiser, and it goes off without a hitch. After the show, a filly asks the Ponytones to perform at her Cutecenieraruaroieasriosnigga the next day, which Fluttershy tells Rarity to agree to. It would seem that Fluttershy enjoys singing for the Ponytones after all, albeit backstage conning the public like she is. This leads to a montage of stupid motherfuckers asking the Ponytones to perform for their events last-minute, and them agreeing to them all because Fluttershy's ego is inflating beyond control. It eventually escalates to the point that when Big Mac's voice has healed, and Fluttershy becomes disappointed, that Rarity allows her to sing one last time. Except, this time, Fluttershy's doing all this improvised scatting that Big Mac can't follow along with. It starts to become very obvious that Big Mac is lipsyncing, and even moreso when Fluttershy's stupid dancing knocks down the curtain, revealing the true Scatman Crothers. 
     

    When you get caught masturbating.......................which apparently involves eating your own tail. 
     
    Curiously, instead of the crowd throwing a fit of outrage that the Ponytones...you know...ripped them off...they cheer for Fluttershy. Because that's what happened when people found out Milli Vanilli were a fraud! Their careers didn't crash and burn and lead to one of the members committing suicide! Nooooooooooooooooo. THEY WERE FUCKING REVERED. BULL MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING ASSLICKING DONKEYSODOMIZING SHIT. Alas, Fluttershy's friends come to see if she's alright, in which Pinkie Pie does more of her annoying "make Fluttershy want to kill herself" bullshit that sends Fluttershy on the run. The others follow her and try to explain that they enjoyed her.......fake, poison joke voice.....eh, this episode's so full of crap I'm tired of trying. They try to show her that, while she lived her worst nightmare when she was revealed, it wasn't really that bad. Yeah, it wasn't that bad because the audience's reaction made no fucking sense. Who the fuck applauds being duped out of their money? A world full of bullshit "love and tolerance". This is why SJWs, new-wave feminists, and politically correct culture should go fuck an African reindeer in the bleeding rain of the Holocaust. Ultimately, Fluttershy finds the courage to join the Ponytones in a quintet performance, albeit only for her friends and animals. In the end, Fluttershy writes in her journal that you should overcome your fears. It's almost like this was one of those boring, overdone stage fright plots. OH WAIT.
     

    "I will cook you alive."
     
    And so concludes "Filli Vanilli"
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Well, that wasn't mediocre.
     
    That was a TERRIBLE episode COMPLETELY ON PAR with "Rainbow Falls", "Daring Don't", "Power Ponies", and "Simple Ways".
     
    First of all, the fact that this is the "first time" anyone's heard Fluttershy sing opens up a whole slew of debate on which songs in the series are and aren't "canon", which all could've been avoided if this episode was given to Sweetie Belle instead. The fact that this a central plotpoint is awkward for the viewer considering we've heard her sing before, so we aren't discovering anything new. It makes the whole thing feel weird in and of itself. Secondly, Pinkie Pie is UNBEARABLE in this episode. She could've been completely written out, but Amy Keating Rogers thought it was a good idea to make Pinkie Pie a bonafide retard. As a result, every scene she's in, she spouts out dumb shit clearly written to make Fluttershy feel bad about herself, and then try to cop it all out by defending that Pinkie Pie doesn't realize what she says. That's how Rogers actually tried to defend her shitty writing on Twitter, showing that for all the times she's dealt with Pinkie Pie as a character, she has no idea who Pinkie Pie is as a character. Pinkie Pie....IS NOT A DUMBASS. Refer to ANY Pinkie Pie-centric episode and you will SEE that. Hell, GO BACK TWO EPISODES to "Pinkie Pride" where she REGRETS making Rainbow Dash feel like shit, and you instantly realize how out of character she is. Thirdly, why are Rarity and Big Mac in a singing group? When did they become a singing group? How did Big Mac and Rarity discover that they'd be good as a singing group? What happened to their singing group after this episode? Wanna know the answers to those? TOO BAD. This episode doesn't explain WHERE the fuck this group came from, and guess what, THEY NEVER APPEAR AS SUCH AGAIN. So what was the point of introducing the Ponytones to the series? Cock shit, because they discard them immediately as if it never happened. Fourthly, the reaction of the fans of the Ponytones once Fluttershy was revealed as having lipsynced for the group was unrealistic given the fact that they all cheered for her. See the actual story of Milli Vanilli for how that shit's supposed to go down. Fifthly (is that even a word?), this stage-fright plot is in every Disney Channel thing ever, see Camp Rock or Austin & Ally among others, so this story is so overdone that even if it was written right, and with Sweetie Belle, it'd still score rather low for being downright bland. Finally, in the end, Fluttershy's character development is marginal at best because, like I said, the Ponytones never show up again, so she never sings with them again, and therefore the fact that she found the courage to just sing for her friends is completely moot considering it has no lasting impact on the character or the series.
     
    Was there any point to this fucking episode? No. It's a useless steaming pile of Amy Keating Roger's bullshit just like "Bridle Gossip", "The Last Roundup", "MMMystery on the Friendship Express", and "Crusaders of the Lost Mark". I'm surprised she was able to remotely write anything as amazingly competent as "A Friend in Deed", for a character she so clearly has no idea how to portray. I can't really find anything remotely redeemable about this episode, so guess what season four gets to add to its collection? Another 1/10.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    I don't believe in gravity.
  15. PrymeStriker
    On the down side, I couldn't get to the review on Friday due to reasons I've mentioned elsewhere.
     
    On the up side, I have changed my avatar/morphed my form into something much more...aesthetically pleasing...than what I had before. Don't ask where this face comes from.
     
    Anyways, on to bigger and better things. This, is "Rainbow Falls".
     
    ...................
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Wait, this is "Rainbow Falls"?
     
    ......
     
     
     
    AwwwwwwwwwwwwwwFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
     
    This episode goes down in infamy as one of the absolute worst episodes of the series, and given I'm that guy who thinks "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" is the worst thing ever and finds equally shit episodes in every season of this godforsaken show, I'm very intrigued to figure out how "Rainbow Falls" manages to fuck shit up today. Here we fucking go.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    So this atrocity opens up with Rainbow Dash giving Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps a pep talk about how they're going to win their event for the Equestria Games. Instant bullshit. If you're trying to compete for the Equestria Games, why do you choose Fluttershy to be in your group? Fluttershy of all people who expressed a great fear of simply performing civic duty in "Hurricane Fluttershy". Bulk Biceps seems like a good enough choice for about two seconds until we see him try to fly. Both he and Fluttershy can barely get off the ground. TWO PROBLEMS: #1: Bulk Biceps was among the ponies to reach high levels of wingpower in "Hurricane Fluttershy" and qualified to join the Wonderbolt's Academy in "Wonderbolts Academy". How the FUCK could he do this without barely lifting himself off the ground? #2: Say he did suddenly magically earn the ability to not fly, WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE HIM AND FLUTTERSHY OUT OF THE HUNDREDS OF PEGASI IN PONYVILLE TO HELP YOUR TOWN WIN THE EQUESTRIA GAMES?! Rainbow Dash is a dumbass but she isn't a fucking retard.
     
    We haven't even reached the title sequence. Hold on to your balls and blow me, folks.
     

    Just so I don't have to mention it again, Applejack is a useless addition to this episode and Pinkie Pie is an annoying fuck. Yes, I actually said that.
     
    After the title sequence makes me want to swallow a gallon-full of Ibuprofen while dry humping a goat in Saudi Arabia during an ISIS execution, even more bullshit takes place. Twilight points out Rainbow's retardation in picking Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps as competitors in the Equestria Games, to which she replies that with her on the team, she'll qualify. Ah, more of Rainbow Dash's unbelievable arrogance. Always a pleasure. Someone castrate me with a lawn mower. Fluttershy mentions she's honored to be competing for Ponyville, which is...a little offsetting at best, but anyways, Rarity is also on this train. Why? Who the fuck knows. She, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack have no use in this episode's general plot and could've been written out faster than a feminist can censor speech. They finally arrive at Rainbow Falls...I guess...I don't think they ever refer to this place by name in the episode, and people start gawking in awe at our main characters. Because guess what royalty is in their presence? You guessed it! Rainbow Dash! She's the best flyer around!
     
    ...Hmm? Princess Twilight Sparkle? What the fuck is that, some kind of new STD? I don't have it. Anyways, the Wonderbolts are here for some reason.
     

    "We heard you guys were gathering familiar characters for no fucking reason and decided we should join you!"
     
    So what are top notch military-grade flight EXPERTS doing competing in the Olympics, you might ask? Because fuck it! This is "Rainbow Falls", there's no time for logic or reason! Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash reminds the audience what the goal is in this episode because we've already forgotten. Dialogue, it's apparently completely useless according to Corey Powell. They want to qualify in the Equestria Games for Ponyville. Let's make sure we've got that clear, guys. They want to qualify for Ponyville. Everybody got that? Okay, good, so since they want to qualify for Ponyville, they have to be one the first four teams to cross the finish line, because apparently this is a race. Applejack shows up for some time, but she's useless. They want to qualify for Ponyville, but Rainbow Dash is finally realizing that Fluttershy and evidently Bulk Biceps are shit fliers. It's almost like this was a bad idea. However, to spice things up in the plot, Soarin trips and starts falling to his death. Unfortunately, he doesn't die and Rainbow Dash ends up catching him, only for Fluttershy to literally state what just happened. Dialogue, it's apparently completely useless to Corey Powell. Soarin's wing, on the other hand, still managed to become broken, and the Wonderbolts are suddenly down one peg. So what do they do? They try to convince Rainbow Dash to ditch her team and join the Wonderbolts.
     
    ....WOW, so the Wonderbolts are suddenly DICKS now. What a turn of events. Well since she wants to qualify for Ponyville I'm sure Rainbow Dash will tell them to fuck off, right?
     

    ...........hnnn
     
    I give up. This episode is officially the dumbest thing in existence, and coming from Corey Powell, the most disappointing piece of writing from her. Rainbow Dash by virtue of her element as she learned twice before in the pilot and in "Wonderbolts Academy" should not be so conflicted about choosing her friends over the Wonderbolts. This would SOMEWHAT work if she was competing with any other Pegasus from Ponyville, but she's not. She's competing with Fluttershy, and that's the bullshit. Plus, if she wanted to qualify for Ponyville, why would she seriously consider joining the team for Cloudsdale? Figure out why you're here, dumbass. In the meantime, Twilight notices that Rainbow Dash is secretly competing for Cloudsdale and Ponyville and calls her out, in which Rainbow Dash pours out her soul or whatever and reveals that with her on both teams Ponyville will still qualify. This possible cleanup of the plot is instantly shattered when the Wonderbolts offer her a permanent spot on their team and she remotely considers it. When Rainbow Dash expresses excitement over the fact that they asked her, Twilight Sparkle reminds her about what's important in this plot.....................
     
    ..............Pinkie Pie won't be able to cheer for anyone, Rarity's designs would've gone to waste, and Applejack would've slaved over her treats for nothing.
     
    RIGHT, BECAUSE PINKIE PIE, RARITY, AND APPLEJACK ARE SO IMPORTANT TO THIS STORY, HAVING ALLOTTED 90 SECONDS OF SCREENTIME TOTAL FOR THEIR FLAT-ASS RECURRING JOKES.
     
    Life isn't worth living, so Rainbow Dash fakes an injury to give her a reason not to choose.
     

    ♪ I hate this episode yes I do. Fuck me in the ass with a rusted screw. This episode makes me crave genocide. It's time for those damn Norwegians to die. ♪
     
    Alright, third act. Let's see how many other contrivances pop up. Inside the hospital, Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps show up to assure Rainbow Dash that she won't have to worry about being in the tryouts because they've replaced her with...Derpy Hooves. Ah, what a terrible time for fanservice. You know why? THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. This proves that there were other options for Rainbow Dash's team than Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps. These two ACCORDING TO POWELL LOGIC can't lift themselves off the ground. DERPY CAN AT LEAST DO THAT. So why didn't she choose DERPY for her team in the first place?! After all of the useless characters leave, Soarin shows his ass on the other side of Rainbow Dash's bed and reveals that his wing has healed, he's just been waiting for the Wonderbolts to let him join the team again. Two more motherfucking problems. One: what hospital lets a patient stay in a room long after they've healed? Most hospitals need the bed to, I don't know, help other patients. Two: So the Wonderbolts are not just dicks now, they're LYING, MEDDLING DICKS. Because that's what they teach you in the army. I guess the Village People were wrong, you can't put your mind at ease. So then a light shines through the window and hits a Equestria Games flag on the floor, and when Rainbow stares at-...wait, no, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS A KEY EPISODE. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS A KEY EPISOOOOOOO-
     

    -NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
     
    Fucking great. So now not only is this a piece of shit episode, but it's essential to the arc of season four which means it's impossible to forget or skip. Remind you of some other episode? That's right, this is the "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" of season four. Goddammit. Let's just get this episode over with before I puke up an unborn fetus. So Rainbow Dash learns for the third time that her friends are more important than joining the winning team. Let's make this abundantly clear. She's learned this moral THREE FUCKING TIMES. Everybody got that? Good. Then there's no reason for anyone to disagree when I say that Rainbow Dash's character development is null and void. Meanwhile, the Wonderbolts are suddenly good guys again and obviously Ponyville ends up qualifying for the Equestria Games through Rainbow Dash's excellent teamwork skills. That's nice. At least the CMC competing for their slot as the flag carriers in the Equestria Games won't go to waste now, because Corey Powell also managed to forget that "Flight to the Finish" already happened. After cheerleader Twilight scars me for life, Spitfire gives Rainbow Dash a Wonderbolts pin that ends up being the key.
     

    Go fuck yourself.
     
    And so concludes "Rainbow Falls".
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Rainbow Falls List of Fuck-Ups
     
    * Bulk Biceps should not be such a weak flier given his previous ability to clock major wingpower and be admitted to the WA
    * Choosing Fluttershy as a competitor for the Equestria Games is retarded
    * Rainbow Dash could've chosen a lot of other Pegasi that would've at least been able to fly, but she didn't because crusty splooge.
    * Pinkie Pie is useless and fucking annoying, and when you make Pinkie Pie annoying, you dun goofed
    * Rarity is useless
    * Applejack is useless
    * Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack could've been written out of this episode
    * Episode acts like these three are overtly important to the plot given their minimal screentime
    * Twilight Sparkle is still not acknowledged by anybody as anyone important, and is overshadowed by the presence of Rainbow Dash.
    * Wonderbolts are dicks
    * Wonderbolts are competing in the Equestria Games
    * Any other team of characters could've replaced the Wonderbolts and not make them seem so out of character
    * Dialogue means nothing in this episode
    * Rainbow Dash is having trouble choosing between the Wonderbolts and her own moral compass.
    * Rainbow Dash had trouble choosing between the Shadowbolts and her own moral compass in "Friendship is Magic (Part 2)"
    * Rainbow Dash had trouble choosing between the Wonderbolts and her own moral compass in "Wonderbolts Academy"
    * Rainbow Dash should NOT be having trouble choosing between the Wonderbolts and her own moral compass HERE.
    * Rainbow Dash beats around the bush to ultimately learn the lesson she's learned twice before, leading to this episode being completely useless..
    * Except this is a key episode, a major episode in the arc of season four, which is the ultimate fuck-you.
    * Cheerleader Twilight. Fuck that. Fuck that to Hell and back.
     
    1/10, suck my balls.
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     

  16. PrymeStriker
    Once upon a time, there was this prick named PrymeStriker.
     
     
    He hated an episode called "Rainbow Falls".
     
     
    He's dead now.
     
     
    The End.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, I see we've redecorated around here. I don't like it. It means I have to reformat my series accordingly. And when every space is a double space, and I use a lot of spaces, this is an immeasurable travesty. Let's jump right into the boiling stew, shall we? Another Friday, another shit episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. This is "Pinkie Pride".
     
    This episode opens up with a party in what appears to be Appleloosa as we see all the Buffalo and all the ponies dancing around in a celebration of...whatever. The camera pans out to sh-

    ...............
     
    ............................................Mkay, so, let me rephrase my statement. Another friday, another SUPER EPIC AMAZING HOLY FUCKBALLS EPISODE OF MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC. IT'S WEIRD FUCKING AL YANKOVIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    You guys don't understand. Weird Al Yankovic makes everything he's in ten times better. When he starred as Wreck-Gar in Transformers Animated, the episodes became ten times better. And have you seen his fake interviews with celebrities? A motherfucking genius, that guy. Yet, here he is, playing a pony in Friendship is Magic. A bit of a downgrade, I'd say, but nevertheless entertaining. Fun times are abound. Once Yankovic's character, Cheese Sandwich, receives some kind of spastic signal, he realizes that the next party to be thrown is in Ponyville. After the "Skip Intro" button makes me shit egg yolks, we show up in Ponyville where Pinkie Pie is doing another grand musical number about how she's planning a party for Rainbow Dash. Once the song is over, we learn that today is Rainbow Dash's birthday! Hooray, I get to regret the day this fucking character was born! What a grand old time. Curiously, she also says that today is not only her birthday, but the anniversary of when she moved to Ponyville. Err, what? Who decides, on their birthday, to just move to a completely new town? Who the hell throws a party for the anniversary of them moving to said town? And why the fuck is this part of the setup? It would've been fine as just Dash's birthday, but they had to throw a monkey wrench into the burning asshole of this episode. Speaking of monkey wrenches, that's when Cheese Sandwich shows up to show Pinkie Pie up with the "Super Duper Party Pony" song.
    Let the jizzing commence!
     
    So while Cheese Sandwich strokes Rainbow Dash's insufferable ego, Pinkie Pie falls into another crippling depression. There's even this scene right after the song where when Rainbow Dash tells Pinkie that she means "no offense", she licks her own tears and pulls out a fake smile. Damn, nigga, that's pretty fucked up, if I do say so myself, Mr. Hangs-People-By-Their-Dicks-And-Watches-Them-Swing-Into-Pits-Of-Molten-Lava. Later, while Cheese Sandwich is planning Rainbow Dash's execution, Twilight stops by Pinkie Pie's place to see if she's alright. 'Cause we all know what happened last time Pinkie felt excluded. She made friends with rocks and shit. But nay, Pinkie Pie expresses a "perfect" attitude, even though she soon laments that since Cheese Sandwich is the best party planner in the world, maybe she's not. Speaking of laments, there's another song about Pinkie Pie's nosedive into dispair. See, this is how you pace a musical episode. Why the fuck can't any other episode get this shit right? It's about time we got a decent one, too, and the fact that it's a Pinkie Pie centric episode guest starring Weird Al, just adds 9,000 more gallons of creamy sperm. In the number, when Pinkie Pie looks at pictures from parties past such as the Royal Wedding, and Twilight's "Welcome to Ponyville" shindig, she realizes "fuck this shit" and decides to get back out there and show her stuff. How, you might ask? By challenging Cheese Sandwich to a goof off.

    AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SHIT IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN TODAY MOTHERFI am getting way too excited over this children's show.
     
    Yeah, so if you haven't guessed it, the comedy in this episode supersedes any previous Pinkie Pie episode. There's this excellent setup that nobody aside from Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich know what a "goof-off" is, yet in the next scene Twilight has a rule book for it. The goof-off commences through another song, and yes, if you need a refresher, I recommend you watch all the songs I've linked all the way through. However, once the goof-off goes a-rye and Pinkie Pie sees Rainbow Dash in distress, her eyes gl-
     
    .....OH SHIT YES, THIS IS A KEY EPISODE. BUT NOT JUST ANY KEY EPISODE, A GOOD KEY EPISODE. 
     
    *ahem*.............her eyes glow as she realizes that she should just forfeit and relinquish planning of Dash's party to Cheese Sandwich. Subsequently, she proceeds to....move out of Ponyville??......but not before all her friends come to apologize for being overtly indulgent in Cheese Sandwich's bullshit. However, Pinkie Pie admits that she let her pride get in the way of Rainbow Dash's happiness. Suddenly, Cheese Sandwich shows up to say that he was just trying to impress Pinkie Pie, because the pony who got him interested in party planning way back in the days when the earth was flat and God was real, was Pinkie Pie herself.
     
    The feels are reals. Must spend rest of day regaining testicles.
     
    So they indeed join forces and put together the biggest, glorious, most seizure-inducing, vomit-promoting, ultra druggy, super buzzed-out, makes-you-wanna-have-sex-with-a-goat, drunk-as-fuck, ultramegazord sen kai bonanza since the previous biggest, glorious, most seizure-inducing, vomit-promoting, ultra druggy, super buzzed-out, makes-you-wanna-have-sex-with-a-goat, drunk-as-fuck, ultramegazord sen kai bonanza. As we see Pinkie Pie writing in her journal, Cheese interrupts her to give her Boneless. And the fanfics and endless dick jokes were sent spiraling out of control! Finally, Cheese walks into the sunset with Boneless 2, looking forward to "another town, another party". Pinkie Pie comments that she never did get that pony's name, which would've been a great joke if left there, but the others had to yell "Cheese Sandwich!" and force Pinkie Pie to say "Oh yeah". I also hear that's a reference to something, but I don't give ten fucks and a dangling green shit.

    There he goes. The messiah, the legend, Debbie Harry.
     
    And so concludes "Pinkie Pride".
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This.....is the best episode of season four so far. I mean, what else can be said that hasn't been said about the best episodes of the series? Pinkie Pie's character development here is probably the best example of such since "Party of One". The songs are all entertaining and don't clutter the pacing whatsoever, and the comedy reaches the highest levels of hilarity thanks to Weird Al's gift to the world, which was the day he was born. There are a few blips here and there in this episode, like the fact that they merged Rainbow Dash's anniversary of moving to Ponyville with her birthday just to make this bash seem "more important", and the half a second that Pinkie Pie was going to move away from Ponyville, but all of those are minuscule in the epic saga that is "Pinkie Pride". So does it come at any surprise what numeric rating this episode is about to receive? You guessed it, a 10/10.
     
    .....Wait a minute....
     
    ......Nope, that's right.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, what a great episode that was. Shame it's surrounded by shit episodes, but I'm certainly over "Rainbow Falls" now. I wonder what follows this up.
     
     
    .......................................OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOh, wait, I already reviewed this. Right, I still hate "Simple Ways", and even though it's been upgraded to a 2/10 ala my "Revoking Opinion on Simple Ways" editorial, and my original "Simple Ways" review is a bit cluttered due to it being the first review I've ever done, it's still royal piece of shit. Great, I get to skip an episode for the first time in two years. This day just gets better and better. So what episode comes after "Simple Ways"?
     

     
    .......................................OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
     
  17. PrymeStriker
    I'm still kind of dead from "Rainbow Falls"...*vomit*
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    God I hope this is better than "Rainbow Falls". "Three's A Crowd" opens up with Spike receiving the mail. Twilight immediately murders Spike, however, so that she can catch hold of the mail and see if Princess Cadence said yes to coming over this weekend. Is this the Equestrian equivalent to going down in the DMs? Then Fluttershy rudely barges in to tell Twilight that the Rare Creatures Preserve, aka Pimp Hotline, has allowed her access to observe the endangered Breezies.
     
    .......................................OH SHIT, NO, THAT EPISODE'S COMING TOO. FUCK ME! FUCK ME! GGHAGAGUIORIJHJUIOPSAOKJHNBGHUIOLKMNBHJKLNBVhjkSELECTIVESERVICENUMBERafter the title sequence foams my thighs into twigs, subsequently burning all muscles in my face and causing me to convulse in a seizure-like fashion, we see everyone at the train bidding Fluttershy farewell for her trip to see the Breezies, as Twilight awaits the arrival of Princess Cadence. She hopes that the two of them can spend some quality-ass time together, and it's about damn ready for it too. Fucking every time the two characters would interact the fate of the goddamned world has hung in the balance. Rainbow Dash calls Twilight's wishes to go to some Starswirl the Bearded museum lame..................Rainbow Dash will be tasting the fury of my assault rifle in the near future. Now that I have expendable cash I'll probably buy a giant Rainbow Dash plush just to blow it up. That means I can fund the franchise and blow off some steam all at once. Suddenly, Flash Sentry makes his first appearance since Equestria Hurls to welcome Princess Cadence to Ponyville!
     

    And thus, in this single appearance in which he lacks dialogue, Flash Sentry's presence spawned endless forum threads of tantrum.
     
    So the two go off and about their day, and the remaining friends briefly talk about how they wish their day goes well. Then Discord spins like a frisbee from out of the sky and into a tree near the train station, and henceforth, this episode earned a million points. Except, Discord's skin is completely blue and he's sneezing out his ass, indicating he has some influenza. A scene occurs where he directly sneezes on Rainbow Dash and covers her in snot. Ten million more points for that. Discord is the true creator of the universe. So he says he needs Fluttershy to nurse him back to health, but she's obviously gone. So he turns to the other four ponies, which scares off Rainbow Dash. Victory is sweet. He for some reason tells Pinkie Pie to fuck off and instead chooses Applejack and Rarity as his personal caretakers. But once he learns that Twilight and Cadence are painting the town, he gets those two sick so he can crash their party....in.....diabolical genius? Erm, Discord, you're my spirit animal and everything, but your motivation seems...shaky at best. What does he possibly have to gain from fucking up their day? Twilight and Cadence of all ponies? Why not Rainbow Dash. She's the one that needs to swallow a shit ton of cyanide! Alas...
     

    Twilight, in deep mediation, has no time for Discord's decapitation.
     
    Discord weasels his way into Twilight's day, and even still with a really odd persistence of his..."goals". It works, and Twilight takes him back to her library and puts him in bed. Ah, now I see why he wanted Rarity initially. Lap dance all day and night. Before Twilight and Cadence go, Discord makes one small request....that he get his own musical number. That's right. Discord + Musical Number. *jizz* *jizz* *jizz* *jizz* *jizz* ........................... *jizz*, with just a hint of cringe in some spots. He goes through a whole list of inane things that he'd like to have, but ultimately ends up deciding on a glass of water, which he ends up spilling after the song is over. Comedy gold as always. Later, Discord explains that there is a cure to this blue flu, but it comes from a flower on a hill at the edge of Equestria that must be plucked at sunset, and then turn into an elixir to cure him. Because of course. Also, since Discord is in no condition to travel, but is still really the only one who knows where this flower is, some arrangements will have to be made to transport him there. And all I'm thinking is, "Discord..............you really didn't have anything else you wanted to do today, huh?" Alas...
     

    Bullshit. Nothing that size could possibly be airborne. It's wayyyy too small..................................like my dick.
     
    When Cadence and Twilight arrive, they find this flower is much bigger than Discord described, but since they're both magical gods, they can lift it together. Thing is, this unleashes a giant snake with a tri-lipped vagina mouth that springs coils that was living underneath it. Of course. Through the next minute or so, the two of them have an epic battle with the beast until they decide to trap it back in its hole.....with rocks. You.......fucking idiots. They're just rocks.....ROCKS that you JUST put there. Do you really expect that to be stable enough to trap that giant thing?
     
    ...
     
    It, apparently does.
     
    ...
     
    That...doesn't making any sense. Then, of course, Discord reveals that he was faking the flu this whole time, which is of course completely obvious to Twilight and Cadence.
     
    ...
     
    What? You're telling me they were shocked that Discord was faking it? Even though they gave him suspicious looks every time there was a plot hole in his story, they still managed to be shocked?
     
    ...
     
    OOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhFFFFFFUCCCK YOU.
     
    But to top it all off, Discord's motivations are finally revealed. He wanted to see if, since Twilight has apparently said that the two of them were friends, she would literally go to the ends of Equestria for him. And...she passed.
     

    .......
     
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-I can buy that. It's not exactly a particularly strong motivation, but it at least seems like something Discord would reasonably do. He also reveals his own edge of wanting to sabotage Twilight's day with Cadence, though, which I still can't see him reasonably caring about. Discord's always had a fuck-all attitude, what's the deal here? What did Cadence do to him? Granted, Cadence says that her day-to-day life has been boring and that this adventure was change in the status quo. In which case........Shining Armor definitely needs to up his game in the bedroom, but I digress. Everyone basically goes home happy, and Twilight gets to write in her gay ass journal that even chaotic days can be a great experience that brings friends closer. Until it's revealed that the snake thingy got Discord sick for real this time. It's okay, though, 'cause Rarity's here to give him a lapdance now.
     

    "I've been a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy, haven't I?"
     
    Egh, so concludes "Three's A Crowd".
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This episode's probably bad. On one hand, the comedy styling of Discord never ceases to entertain, and seeing Twilight and Cadence interacting on a less stressful level than Equestria's fate has certainly been long overdue, plus the Discord song made me cream buckets. However, the story in this episode isn't very strong. The concept itself of Discord fucking with Twilight's day just because is already thin. I mean, really, in concept it's funny, but it's not like you can take it very far given this show's television rating, and really it doesn't make sense for even Discord to embark on such winding quest to sabotage Twilight and Cadence's friendship considering he has nothing to gain from the experience. You can't really argue that he's jealous, because Twilight and Discord don't exactly have a strong bond to begin with. Discord's jealousy in "Make New Friends but Keep Discord" makes more sense, though that episode has its own problems. So it just rubs off as lazy writing to give the plot a foil. Then, the fact that Twilight and Cadence seemed to be catching on to Discord's bullshit but still end up shocked at this is completely clumsy. Others have commented on the flanderization of Pinkie Pie in the first act of the episode, which I can see as well. There's also Rainbow Dash's "lame" line which, when I first watched this episode, I hated because it seemed like a regression of the maturity of her character and seemed like especially unfounded hostility. So, there's a lot of shit in this episode, and most of what's good about it is really trivial. I think "Three's A Crowd" deserves a 5/10.
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Yep, that was at least better than "Rainbow Falls"...*vomits blood*
     
     
     
    ...I need therapy.
  18. PrymeStriker
    As my childhood slowly comes to a close, I constantly wonder how the fuck I'm going to get myself out of this mess. Turning 18 has got to be one of my biggest challenges, behind fucking one of the Kardashians and watching Equestria Girls. And yet, the inevitable is being laid upon me within due time. I have a mere 6 days of irresponsibility left. I'm gonna have to see what kind of Hell I can put people through before the bills start flooding my bank account. 18 years of bullshit. In the meantime, I'll use what remains of my life to watch an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Because that's the American dream. This week, we tackle "Rarity Takes Manehattan".
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    I remember having fluctuating opinions about this episode. When I first watched it I hated it for whatever reason, then when I watched it again I liked it, and I haven't watched it since. Let's see what my mood is this time. Also, excuse me if I call this episode "Rarity Takes Manhattan" at any point. It's pretty fucking obvious why I'd make that typo. The episode opens up with the ponies getting on a train going to, you guessed it, the Crystal Empire. Fuckwits. Rarity is entering a [insert convoluted competition title here] in Manehattan and conveniently wants to bring all the other main characters with her. It's at this point in the series that I'm really fucking sick of everyone constantly entering contests to give the plot a reason to exist. The same thing happened last episode with "Bats!" and even in "Flight to the Finish". I've never come across a group of characters so interested in superficial contests in my fucking life, and it's getting really annoying. Alas, that's the whole reason they're going to Manehattan. Also, Rarity bought her friends tickets to a musical. What musical? Who gives a shit, we have a boring, terrible, piece of shit song to endure.
     


    At least Rainbow Dash's opening line is hilarious as fuck-all. 
    God, it's times like this when you appreciate the "Bats!" song. This song is so typical it's almost fucking awful. To top it all off, Rarity is being overly generous in this musical number. Like, they're really trying to ham in the fact that she's so giving, which makes her almost out of character. We know Rarity is the element of generosity but she hasn't demonstrated such an overt willingness to give everyone a helping hand unless the plot called for shoving it up our asses. Like here. The odd part is, they don't display this at all anywhere else in the episode. Every other circumstance of her showing generosity seems realistic, and we'll get to that later. I've already spotted another problem with this episode. The citizens of Manehattan......don't give a shit that Princess Twilight Sparkle is in their presence. Like, with Ponyville you expect that considering she's lived there for about a year prior to her upgrade. She's never visited Manehattan and yet the ponies here hardly recognize her. I remember this being a complaint with the early episodes of season four back in the day, and so I just have to assume this is a writing fuck-up.
     

    "We don't take kindly to purple ponies 'round these parts. Youse should all rot in Hell!"
     
    Okay, back to the plot, after some unfortunate circumstances, the people Rarity helped in the crappy musical number come to her rescue when she needs to get to the hotel for the event briefing in a hurry, forcing the song to be "relevant". Alas, she's still berated for showing up a few seconds early or whatever, as the host of the event runs through the basics. The competitors must set up backstage, and then show their designs tomorrow for a chance to....show their designs to top designers in Manehattan I think. Then, of course, they all strip nude and have a blood orgy, right after murdering the mayor and selling their bodies in Mane Street, right? After Hosty McDouchebag leaves, Raritits is greeted by a mare named Suri Polowhatever, who claims to have met her before. She offers a hand moving Rarity's dresses backstage, where she sees the "glorious" designs in all their glorious glory. Suri asks for a swatch for her own collection, in which Rarity generously gives her a whole reel. I think that's the terminology, but I'm not a faggot ass, so don't pin me to it. As you might expect, Suri uses it to basically steal Rarity's ideas. I'm expecting there's a cease and desist letter coming in the mail soon?
     

    Last time someone ripped me off, I ripped them off. Literally. I took their dick and tore it off with my bare hands and then forced them to eat it. Preschool was fun.
     
    And...this is an interesting place for Rarity to be. Because, yeah, we've seen Rarity be generous here and there, but not to such an extent that being generous has backfired on her. It might be the inevitable pitfall of her elephant of harmony, but maybe it's about time this was addressed. As you might imagine, Rarity gets pissed and confronts Suri the Bitch, raging about her copying her design as well as questioning her ability to make them so fast. This is where we're introduced to Suri's work/sex slave Coco Pommel, who tirelessly worked on the counterfeits for eons and a day. Rarity goes back to her room to sulk, when the other five freeloaders come in to express their joy of being in Manehattan and also to remind the audience that they're still in this episode. They soon console Rarity about the bullshit that's just occurred, but assure her that this is just a phase and that she'll get over it. She does. Immediately. She comes up with a new line and then manages to get all of her friends to help her make them, almost to the point of slavery. That's......odd of Rarity? I mean, I'd love to make another raunchy sex slave joke here but, it's really odd of her to do this to her friends. Not even the circumstances of Suri betraying Rarity's naive trust in other ponies really calls for it. The out of character moments for her seem to be racing to polar opposite sides.
     

    I mean, I can understand enslaving Twilight, what with her being a purple pony and all....
     
    So when the others desire a break, Rarity throws a fit and storms off. This guilt trips the others into missing the musical she got them tickets for (dumbass) as they continue working on the dresses. Rarity then collects them all and storms off without not so much as a thank you. After the catwalk runway show of "Hotel Chic" is a rousing success, Rarity realizes that she's been a lickety prickety dickety fag when she sees her friends aren't at the show supporting her. Then she gazes at the empty seats and her eyes begin to glow in rainbows. The....fuck?
     
    ....
     
    OH, WAIT, THIS IS SEASON FOUR. THIS IS THE KEY ARC!
     
    Fucking hell, I forgot, when the ponies' eyes glow rainbow colors like their on acid, that indicates that a key to the Tree of Harmony chest is about to be earned. So, this is the first key episode. Not bad. But where's the lock-and-key BDSM, huh? This is a Rarity episode after all. That's what I thought.
     

    LUCY IN THE SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYwithvaginas
     
    So she goes back to the hotel in search of her friends, when the bellhop she was generous to many eons ago when the earth was flat tells her that her friends headed out this morning. This triggers a gloomy reprise of the "Generous" song which makes me want to create a list of the ways one can successfully commit suicide after hearing terrible music. She goes back to the fashion event to see that her friends are all there, and that they missed the show because they overslept. Of course. At least Applejack acknowledges Rarity was a dick. They all make up there, and when Suri tells Rarity she lost the competition, she notes that she doesn't give a flying fuck, which teaches Coco Pommel that friendship is a side of splooge with green fries. Rarity makes it up to her friends by getting them an exclusive show to that musical they missed, which was paid for by Rarity offering her "services" here in Manehattan for a little while. That's when Coco Pommel barges in like a dickhole on Sunday morning and tells Rarity that she actually won the competition and that Suri was bullshitting. She goes through the whole friendship is magic schtick admitting that she's now quit working for Suri, and gives Rarity a rainbow-colored spindle, which is the first of the six "keys" that no one knows about yet. In return, Rarity gives Coco her job of "servicing" the playwright. Ah, the cycle of prostitution always comes full circle. Insert journal shit here.
     

    I'm not sure this key is going to pick her locks. Okay, that one sucked, I'm sorry, I'll try harder next time.
     
    And so concludes "Rarity Takes Manehattan".
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    .....Uhhhh?
     
    This episode's kind of polarizing. On one hand, it was interesting seeing Rarity get the shaft for embracing her element, and this episode certainly served its purpose in being the first of the six keys arc. There were no problems with the pacing, moral, or development of...well...Coco Pommel at least. However, on the other hand, Rarity is intensely out of character in two completely different ways here. At the beginning she's way too generous to everyone, and towards the end she's way too controlling, narcissistic, and nasty to her friends. She swings from both sides really quickly without much provocation and in the end we're just supposed to accept that she's back to normal now. I'm no psychiatrist, but that screams bipolar disorder. And Rarity hasn't displayed bipolar tendencies at all in the past. That's Pinkie Pie's mental disorder. If anything else, that whole scene with Rarity slaving the other five into making her dresses was uncomfortable even for me, with all of my indulgence in grotesque imagery. It felt so unnatural. There's other parts of this episode that don't add up, like the lack of Twilight's acknowledgment as a princess in what is implied to be a major city in Equestria. She gets no perks, no paparazzi, not so much as a second glance, but the writers insist she be a part of this episode. So why is she there? Then there's also the shit song, which is kind of overshadowed by this point anyway. At the beginning, I noted that when I first saw this episode I hated it, and then when I saw it again I liked it. Well, upon closer inspection, I find myself disturbed with the parts I once hated but also intrigued by the parts I once liked. All-in-all, I see both sides of the coin now and can honestly say that "Rarity Takes Manehattan" is an overall polarizing but ultimately subpar episode. I'm giving it a 5/10.
     
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Okay, this is it. My next review is on March 10th, which is the day after my 18th birthday, so I've gotta make this ending good so that I can send off my childhood in an epic way. You know, something I can recall years later and ask myself "what the fuck was I smoking?" or "how do I use a toilet?"
     
    ...Of course! I'll sum up my childhood in one word! That'll do the trick! Now, what word should I use?.....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    "Goddammit".
  19. PrymeStriker
    *shivers*
     
    There's no place like home....there's no place like home.
     
    Yes there is, it's called Canterlot High.
     
    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
     

     
    ...
     
     
     
    *ahem*
     
    Sorry, everyone. I'm a bit......on edge these days. Ever since treading the ground My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, I haven't been quite the same. My blood pressure's spiked and I think I'm growing a vagina on my neck. This would be the third time this has happened, as only two other incidents have caused such a reaction. Watching "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" and the aforementioned Satan-Detroit incident. However, this has only previously lasted one vomiting session and then I could call it quits. I reviewed Equestria Girls last Friday. Not even making my slaves endure the pain of having hot gold poured down their rectums has brightened my mood. I keep feeling like that fucking film is gonna drive me up a wall, or worse, turn me into a likable person. In any case, I do have to get on with my series reviews. You know, of the show, which is actually good.
     
    ...........except for when it's not.............which happens a lot........................................................I think I'm having a seizure right now.
     
    Okay, okay, I need to stop panicking. I'm...I'm a brute, man. I don't finna givashit bout 'nuttin. I can overcome this. I mean, it's not like a season premiere of this show has ever bombed as hard as My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.
     
    THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE (PART 2)
     

     
    Oh..............................right.................................*gulp*
     
    S.......sEaSoN fOuR.....*ahem*......................we'll just see h-how season four stacks up against the p-previous season. W-will it be better? I SURE HOPE IT'S BETTER. ..... .................T-this is "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)". Spoilers a-ahead.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    S-So this season opens up the curtains with Rainbow Dash............a....always a grand start..................hey, I think my sarcasm's back. That didn't take long. Thanks, Rainbow Dash, for being such an unlikable bitch cunt! Anyways, it opens up with Rainbow Dash teaching Twilight Sparkle how to fly, or as we'll learn later, to perform some kind of stunt for the Summer Sun Celebration. Because Twilight the bookworm would instantly become a masterful daredevil after receiving wings. And, hey, the Summer Sun Celebration. I guess season four is when it became one year since the start of the series. I....guess that makes a little more sense out of "Apple Family Reunion", but I still stand by the fact that it came too early in season three to qualify for jack shit. Speaking of apples, as Applejack namedrops her as Princess Twilight Sparkle, we learn that she's not even comfortable being called "Princess" by her friends....which I can understand. Hot shit, character depth. This is already an improvement over Equestria Girls! Twilight proceeds to nearly die, as well.
     

    Dirt are friends, not food.
     
    After the title sequence digests my testicles through my kidneys until my nipples have ears and fingers of their very own (oh hey, new title sequence), we see that Twilight now has a glass mural of herself in the castle. Jesus Christ, how many spare windows do they have for this shit? It's also at this point that I realized how much the animation has improved between the previous three seasons and this one. There's a lot more focus on depth, lighting, focal point, and other shit that was disregarded in previous seasons. GG, animators. They must not be getting paid for overtime....SAUSAGE PARTY. Anyways, as Applejack drones on about how much work the other five have to do back at Ponyville, Twilight now takes into account the fact that her new princess duties will require her to be separated from her friends. This, for once, is an example of the writers taking the show exactly where it needs to go. Twilight is feeling reluctant about moving on to bigger and better things at the risk of losing her friends. If this premiere is going the way I think it is, this might be one of the better premieres just by virtue of character development well-executed alone. But let's not jump the gun just yet. Later, when Princess Celestia shows up, we learn about how the Summer Sun Celebration was a dreadful reminder that she once had to banish her own sister to the moon.
     
     
     
    ...HOLY FUCK THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IS OFF THE CHARTS AND WE'RE ONLY FIVE MINUTES IN.
     

    *jizz*
     
    So, let me get this straight. Both in five minutes, Equestria Girls managed to fuck up its entire plot, but this premiere is going to incredible lengths to establish two characters deep in development that has been long due for the benefit of the series. I feel like I'm getting my hopes up too much, but seriously, I'm already in love with "Princess Twilight Sparkle". And I DON'T want to see any clopfics made out of that sentence. While Twilight and Spike go over the checklist one more time, Princess Celestia leaves them be only to be seemingly kidnapped by a....vine. Well, damn, Daniel. Fuck me and my culture references. Vine is dead and gay. As a result, the next day, Twilight and the rest of the world notices that both the sun and the moon are in the sky, indicating the disappearances of both Princesses Celestia and Luna from existence. Well, SHIT. The stakes just skyrocketed. When the royal guard inform Twilight of this, they explain that this puts her in charge of both them and the kingdom as far as a search-and-rescue mission is concerned. Well, SHIT. The stakes just skyrocketed.
     

    Civil rights for purple ponies sure have come a long way. But who cares who those damn drunken grey ponies worship. With their sun kings and shit.
     
    Therefore, Twilight takes the initiative and commands them to look for clues regarding their disappearances, and to not stir up panic among the audience. In this moment, Twilight beautifully takes charge of the situation, proving that she was ready for Princess status after all. The ultimate "suck it" to the fanbase at this period in time. Astonishing. However, almost as immediately as these orders are given, Twilight is informed that the Everfree Forest is "invading" Ponyville. How could an entire forest invade a city, you might ask? Well, you see, the vines they are-a growing...all over the place. In Town Hall, at Sweet Apple Acres, and even Rarity's hooker house, killer vines are coming to ruin comedy once and for all. Therefore, Twilight clumsily flies her ass over to her friends so that they can get together and figure out what in the good flying fuck is going on. After some careful deduction, Twilight and company believe there's only one person of causing all this chaos.
     

    King Sombra, of course.
     
    So this premiere has set up very interesting character depth in Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, and introduced Discord to the mix all in Part 1? My God, it's like Hell froze over. Although, as we quickly learn, Discord is even unsure of the nature or cause of the vines gone sexual predicament, calling to the forefront his innocence. The others don't buy it, with only Fluttershy coming to his defense, but without evidence, much is hanging in the question. Discord suggests that they ask Zecora, who happens to be trying to survive from her home going apeshit on the world. Even she doesn't know, but tells Twilight that if she drinks some magic potion thing, she might be able to uncover the answer to all of this insanity. This seems a little contrived at first, but if memory serves me right from what happens in Part 2 (and I barely remember any of this shit), then it actually doesn't cause too much of a discrepancy in the overall story considering it doesn't just spoon-feed her the answer. So, I'll let it slide for now. She drinks the potion and goes into the Avatar State or something before popping up in a strange place she's never been before. From behind two thrones emerges Princess Luna, speaking of how there can only be one princess in Equestria, and that it will be her. Enter....
     
    NIGHTCARE NOON!
     

    What do you mean you smell shit? I didn't shit myself! FUCK YOU!
     
    As we continue on with this thrilling sce-
     
    ...
     
    E...err.........it....it says "To Be Continued".
     
    .......
    S...So concludes "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)"
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    ....
     
     
     
     
     
    WELL FUCK YOU TOO, THEN.
     
    I was really getting into this premiere. I can't remember a time when I was so pissed at "To Be Continued". I never get pissed at that. This first part was just that good. It set up the depth we're about to explore with both Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle masterfully. With Twilight, we see that this new duty is not only taking a toll on her insecurities in the ability to lead, but also the fact that she'll have this disconnection between her friends, which we see is slowly being rectified as she reunites with them as the Elements of Harmony. With Celestia, we're about to really go into the pain that was banishing her sister to the fucking moon, which was begged of the series since episode one. On top of that, the animation is absolutely BEAUTIFUL here. Like, I don't think its ever been this good, not before 'nor after. The animators really put in time and effort to make this premiere the ultimate eye candy, and it really pays off. Also, no musical numbers. Holy shit, I never thought I'd see the fucking day. To top it all off, Discord shows up towards the end to put a stop to all my Equestria Girls PTSD. This is the ultimate make up for that film so far, and it's only the first part! For these reasons, I must give "Princess Twilight Sparkle (Part 1)" a 10/10. It's thoroughly made me excited for Part 2, and I think this is the best possible way season four could've started. This really exceeded my expectations.
     
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    But what if this is like "The Crystal Empire" where Part 1 is good and Part 2 is a piece of shit?
     
    ...
     
    Aw, come on, now I'm conflicted again. To make matters worse, I have to wait a whole week to reach satisfaction. This is just like when I have sex. Well...tune in next week I guess when we break apart the second part of the glorious season four premiere of..
     
    My Little Pony...
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Friendship...
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    ...............................................................*cough*
  20. PrymeStriker
    There have been many trials in my life that I've had to overcome.
     
    I've had to overcome getting slaughtered by the FBI when they crushed me into a bloody pile of sludge with two military trucks.
     
    I've had to overcome being tortured in the fiery pits of Hell and still laughing in the face of the devil himself.
     
    I've had to overcome dueling one-on-one with Gandhi in the ultimate Pokemon match.
     
    I've had to overcome digging the fleas out of Satan's ass after his trip to Detroit.
     
    But none of that, will quite compare to the challenge I'll have to overcome today.
     
     
     
    I...
     
    will have to review....
     
    Equestria Girls.

     
    *sigh*. Hold on to your nuts, folks. This is no ordinary blowjob.
     
    Alright, so, the big one. My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. Released in the summer of 2013, this film was the in-between of season three and season four. Fans across the globe were both hyping up and overdosing on prescription pills on the day of its release, and this movie was such a flop for fans of the series that the writers kicked it out of the show's canon (I think). God damn, I can't remember the last time something was so bad the creators had to completely disregard it. Is Equestria Girls really as shitty as everyone makes it out to be? Well, with the way I've been dreading this review, I certainly don't think I'll necessarily disagree. But there's always room for "improvement." So let's get this over with before I tie a noose around my neck with a paper clip. This is the glorious art film that is My Little Pony: Equestria Girls. Spoilers ahead....but do you really give a shit?
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    This episo-.....wait a minute...
     
    *ahem*
     
    This film opens up, sorry, there we go, with the newly crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle and the other fuckers arriving in the Crystal Empire to engage in an hour-and-a-half-long hallucinatory drug trip. Seems to me the audience would be better off engaging in that, but we're shit out of luck and jolly-well fucked. Anyways, while Pinkie Pie makes a Transformers reference, Twilight explains her nervousness about attending her very first princess summit. She explains that she's not exactly comfortable wearing her crown either, let-alone her lack of skill in flying.
     

    That moment when you realize the animators for the season three finale royally fucked up when they had Twilight joyously fly toward the screen at the end.
     
    Inside, Twilight meets up with Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence, where they instantly tell them to fuck off and go to bed. Well, that scene was necessary. That night, Twilight expresses to Spike some worry about her ability to lead an empire as a princess, as well as trying to sleep with her wingboners shooting up all over the place. Ah, the toils of a pubescent purple ponies. After the remixed minute-and-a-half long title sequence makes me violently shit out tumors as giant saber tooth tigers rain from the sky and fall on my burning asshole which compounds my entire body into dust, only to be reformed by a deus ex machina to return to my former physical appearance except a shade darker which makes me instantly less privileged (all sex is rape, the patriarchy is oppressing me, etc., etc.), things heat up when Twilight's crown is stolen by a shady mysterious character. The gang chase this pony into another room, where the thief and the crown escape through a mirror.
     
    The others alert Celestia, who explains that the thief goes by the name "Starlight Glimmer" "Sunset Shimmer", and that she was a former student of Celestia's who went rogue. A rogue path that has evidently led her to stealing Twilight's crown. I'd like to know how Sunset Shimmer knew Twilight was a princess now. In the next scene, Princess Luna tells us that the mirror/gateway to another world opens once every thirty moons. But Twilight just became a princess very recently. There must be some long-ass turnaround times for a princesses first summit, since I'm unfamiliar with royal tradition, but as it stands this seems rather contrived to me. Perhaps we'll see explanation later, but I'm not holding my asshole closed. The princesses explain that Twilight must go into this otherworldly realm to retrieve that crown, or else the Elephants of Harmony here are powerless, and Equestria loses one of its biggest lines of defense against Cobra. The other five express the desire to join her, but Celestia tells them to fuck themselves with dry, rusty spoons. Spike, however, is immune to rusty spoons, and follows her in. On the other side, they find Spike is a dog and Twilight now has boobs......
     
    .......oh, and hands....and has become some strange creature called a "human".....but more importantly, boobs.
     

    I know it's a kids film, but I think in any realistic setting a talking female horse would be much more concerned with these milky tumors hanging off her chest.
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAND SOO THE SHITSTORM BEGINS! WE'RE IN THIS WORLD NOW, FOLKS. ALL ABOARD FOR THE FANSERVICE TRAIN!
     
    So...yeah, we're in the "human" world now. Where everyone's hair is multicolored and jiggles like jello, and everyone's skin color makes them look like they just transferred schools from Jupiter. We go through the couple-of-minute long shtick that you'd expect where Twilight has to learn how to act like a human, which is very run-of-the-mill for the most part, but what sells it is Spike's reactions to her. As Twilight's doing the whole overboard "WHAT? OMG! WTF?!", Spike just sighs and in a really dry voice says "We really need to find you a mirror." Makes things relatively enjoyable. Enjoy-ability in an Equestria Girls film. Shocking. So the two of them venture into the "castle", also known as Canterlot High School, in search of intel. However, the bell rings, and as you might expect, the halls instantly flood with crowds of other people aimlessly bustling around. Twilight manages to escape, but bumps into Blandy McBlandbrad himself: Flash Sentry!
     
    What transpires after that tidbit of nothing is a musical number that's about as forgettable as you might imagine. "A Strange New World", I think it's called. Who cares, though. Twilight just wanders around the halls as we see some human incarnations of Equestrian characters. Cheerlie, the CMC, Vinyl Scratch, and so forth. During this, Twilight's trying to learn how to be a human by observing practices. There's even this great scene where Twilight goes into the men's bathroom and some guy comes out of the stalls and has a nervous breakdown. Huh, it seems that, so far, I'm almost enjoying this film. Odd. Anyways, after the song bores me to death, we see Sunset Shimmer interrogating this completely unfamiliar, completely forgettable, and completely useless character in the hallways who managed to pick up the crown when Sunset tossed it through the portal. I bet she doesn't even have a name. I mean, just look at this fucker:
     

    Pure crowd filler. Her personality probably doesn't even match the glorious levels of Sunset Shimmer or Flash Sentry!
     
    So, yeah, we come across Human World Fluttershy, and this is Twilight's first confrontation with Sunset Shimmer. The two of them dance around the subject of Equestria around the unsuspecting human, and Twilight's lack of fear in the face of Sunset impresses Fluttershy. What follows is a bunch of references to the first episode of the series, from Fluttershy quietly muttering her name to her being fascinated by the presence of Spike. It seems Twilight has made a friend in this brave new world. Time to milk her for as much information as possible! Through Fluttershy, Twilight learns that the crown is being kept prisoner by "Principal" Celestia. Therefore, we toddle off to meet Human World Celestia only to learn that the crown will be used as the prize in this year's Princess of the Fall Formal competition...thingy. Therefore, in order to get her crown back, she's going to have to run for Princess of the Fall Formal, against three-time winner Sunset Shimmer. This movie just writes itself I see. So she has to go see the head of the party planning committee about getting her name on the ballot. Gee, I wonder who the head of the party planning committee is?
     
    APPLEJACK! OF COURSE!
     
    Well, she shows up in this scene too, but that's irrelevant. As we grow acquainted with new familiar faces, we learn a lot more about Canterlot High and how the different "crowds" are segregated. Techies, rockers, prostitutes, they all have their own little clique in the school. Consequently, our Equestria Girls aren't exactly "friends" in this world. In fact, the other five all hate each other. Gee, I wonder if getting everyone together is going to be a plot device? I wonder if she'll teach them that friendship is magic? It's anyone's guess. Meanwhile, Sunset Shimmer shows up with....aw, god, Snips & Snails are in this film too....complaining about Pinkie Pie's decorations and Applejack's cider. In this, she learns that Twilight Sparkle is running against her and proceeds to threaten her in a really dramatic hallway. Although, she doesn't really "threaten" Twilight, just sort of says she'll expose her for being from another dimension, and steal Spike or something. I'm sure that'll work out real well, but I digress. Twilight takes to the glorious library to learn information about this world, where we get more gratuitous cameos.
     

    God, it's like Hell had sex with Africa.
     
    I noticed Scootaloo didn't have any lines in this scene aside from the cameo of the "Cutie Mark Crusaders Theme" from "The Show Stoppers", and since I don't think the CMC have any lines in any of the other films, does that mean Madeline Peters never recorded for the Equestria Girls films? I get too invested in shitty trivia, so fuck me. During a learning montage, we see the main characters minus Twilight in a school yearbook as freshmen, and all of them were friends back then, which further branches out the plotline of getting the girls together. Meanwhile, Snips & Snails film Twilight not knowing how to use computers, printers, and such like, possibly for a Sunset Shimmer campaign video attacking her opponent. Classic. The next day, this is proved to be true, as Rarity shoehorns her way into the story (and most marriages I presume) by throwing Twilight into a disguise. Then, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy show up looking for Twilight, only for the four of them to get into heated arguments with each other about grudges they have. However, since Twilight's a genius, she figures out that Sunset Shimmer has in fact been meddling with their friendships via the dreaded text message and email, cancelling commitments behind one friends' back and what not. So, in light of this revelation, they all pull together to help Twilight win the crown! Except....they need one more person's approval.
     

    I mean, I don't like Rainbow Dash, but even I had convulsions when she showed up. Her first appearance is midway through the film. That made her entrance 20% cooler.
     
    Rainbow Dash says she'll help if Twilight plays a game of soccer against her. They compete, and Twilight loses, but since she proved she has guts, Dashies' in! So they meet at this world's Sugarcube Corner to organize a plan, where Twilight runs into Chad again. Egh, I have to agree; his appearances do drain a bit out of the film's likability. And yes, I'll admit, I'm an hour into the film and I relatively like it. Suck my balls. Anyways, yeah, he's terrible. Not so much that he's a bland character with no redeeming qualities, but that he's at the center of romantic relationships with...
     
    *ahem*
     
    TWO PONIES.
     
    Yeah, this prick is Sunset Shimmer's ex-boyfriend, and now he's got Twilight's heart too. RING RING. Meghan McCarthy? Have you heard of BESTIALITY?! It's seriously disturbing when you think about it. Otherwise, speaking of helping Twilight win the crown, they organize a musical number in the cafeteria called "Helping Twilight Win the Crown", with Canterlot Wondercolts gear. And that pumps the fuck out of everyone, except Sunset Shimmer, who decides to fuck up Twilight's winning streak by framing her for destroying the Fall Formal's decorations in the auditorium with the Magic of Photoshop! Vice Principal Luna falls for it, because she's a dumbass in this film for some reason, until Flash Sentry instantly comes in and proves it was a cut-and-paste job.
     
    ....
     
    Well, that scene was necessary. Especially to further along this shit. However, the event itself did slightly move the plot along. Since damage has been done to the auditorium, the Fall Formal would have to be postponed until the following night. However, the portal closes tonight. Spike urges Twilight to explain to the others what's really at stake if she doesn't get that crown, but Pinkie Pie basically blurts all of that out for her in one fell-swoop. This is why Pinkie Pie is the bae. Now, I promise you, I will never use that word again. Oddly enough, everyone's very okay with this newfound bizarre-ass information. Okay, points off for that. This scene is so unbelievably rushed that it managed to break my suspension of belief for this part of the film. So, as you might expect, the six of them decide to get the whole school to help rebuild the decorations in time for the Fall Formal to happen tonight. They do. It's done. In musical montage. And everyone comes together. Gee, didn't see that one coming.
     

    "Okay! Now who's ready to do a shit-ton of COKE?!!!"
     
    The Fall Formal's back on for this evening, and since everyone loves Twilight now, she's a shoe-in for winner. This clearly pisses off Sunset Shimmer, but fuck that, we have another grating musical montage to go through with more teen pop. That's like, two in a row. For fuck's sake this last half-hour is really rushed so far. Anyways, they all get their dresses and shit, and Flash Sentry manages to become Twilight's date for the formal. Imagine that shit. Later in the night, it's announced that Twilight has won the competition, but victory is bitter sweet when Sunset follows through with her threat to steal Spike. Normally I'd be like "fuck him", but seriously, Spike is the best thing about this film so far. Sheesh, Spike is the best thing about an MLP story? Never thought I'd see the day.....
     
    Oh, yeah, and Sunset Shimmer just lets him go, by the way.
     
    ...
     
    WELL THAT WAS NECESSARY.
     
    God, pointless scenes are really getting shoved around now. No, the real haggle of the evening is that if Twilight doesn't give Sunset Shimmer the crown, she'll destroy the portal back to Equestria with a mallet. Because the rules of this portal are just so clearly defined. And what does Twilight do? She encourages Sunset Shimmer to destroy the portal.
     
     
     
    ..
    .
    .
    .
     
    Okay, I think this is the moment we've all been waiting for.
     
    *ahem*
     
    FUCK YOU.
     
    FUCK THIS FUCKING PIECE OF FUCK MOVIE. YOU CUCK, MEGHAN. YOU CAN'T WRITE A MOVIE FOR SHIT. YOU ASSWIPE! YOU HAD ME! I LIKED YOUR MOVIE FOR A STRAIGHT HOUR! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUuoUOU!!!!!!
     
    There, this movie sucks now. Everyone happy?
     
    In this instant alone, the movie just threw itself under a tractor. Twilight was willing to jeopardize the entire world of Equestria by fucking over its main line of defense against chaos just so that SUNSET SHIMMER in all her bitchy glory couldn't cause tension in a HIGH SCHOOL. I know Twilight isn't familiar with this world, but that is absolute POOR judgement on her part.
     
    BUT WAIT, it gets WORSE. See, instead of destroying the portal, Sunset Shimmer attacks Twilight for the crown, which results in a nice game of toss-the-crown between all the characters. However, when it finally gets to Sunset, the crown turns her and Snips & Snails into demon spawns which take over the whole school with mind control.
     

    God, it's like Hell had a three-way with Africa and North Korea. What? It's not gay if it's a three-way.
     
    Ah, right, because THIS was explained earlier, except for the fact that it WASN'T. BUT WAIT! IT GETS EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Sunset's big fucking plan is to TAKE OVER EQUESTRIA with an army of DROOLING MINDLESS HUMAN TEENAGERS.
     
    ............................................
     
    WHAT?!
     
    At WHAT POINT did Sunset Shimmer REMOTELY think that would work. MINDLESS TEENAGERS don't stand a FUCKING CHANCE against a demigod alicorn PRINCESS who can send ANYONE SHE WANTS to the FUCKING MOON.
     
    ....
     
    BUT WAIT!
     
    IT GETS EVEN FUCKING WORSE.
     
    Because WHAT does Twilight and company do to STOP Sunset Shimmer?
     
    THEY TRANSFORM INTO THESE PONY HYBRID CREATURES AND BECOME THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY THEMSELVES.
     
    ............................................
     
    WHAT?!
     
    If the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY don't need PHYSICAL AMULETS to trigger their power, then WHAT THE FUCK IS THE LOGIC OF THE TELEVISION SERIES?! Why are there even physical versions IN PLACE? Why did Discord need to STEAL THEM in "The Return of Harmony" if all the girls had to do was "BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP" to activate them? In this one instance, the WHOLE FUCKING SERIES earns itself a nice big PLOTHOLE in the MAIN FUCKING NARRATIVE, all because MEGHAN FUCKING MCCARTHY couldn't think of a decent DEUS EX MACHINA to pull out of her ass.
     
    *sigh*
     
    All of this happens within five minutes, without exaggeration............................BUT IT GETS EVEN MOTHERFUCKING WORSE
     
    Because guess what?! Sunset Shimmer "didn't know there was another way", which makes her character even DUMBER than I THOUGHT. She cries, apologizes, and Twilight makes her learn about friendship in the human world, and boom, she's redeemed. This happens in 90 seconds in-and-of itself, too. Never in my life have I seen a seemingly good movie throw itself completely down the drain in just six and a half minutes. As you might imagine, everyone celebrates, and Twilight comes back to Equestria "successful". Too bad the movie doesn't come back to Equestria "successful".
     

    I have six types of cancer thanks to this film. Too bad I shit out my tumors at the beginning.
     
    And so concludes the glorious My Little Pony: Equestria Girls.
     
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    This film is a steaming pile of dogshit.
     
    Now, let's break this down, because this is a bit bigger than any 'ol episode. I liked the first hour of this film. There was heart in it. The writing wasn't the most awe-inspiring but at least this felt like the show. The comedy from both Spike and Pinkie Pie made me chuckle and smile. Twilight's plight was engaging enough for me not to be bored. Sure, Flash Sentry was a fumble in the dealing of the cards, but at least he wasn't too prominent in the first hour. I also had questions about certain plot-points that I withdrew from criticizing too much because I figured it would be explained later. Like how Sunset Shimmer knew about Twilight becoming a princess and possessing the crown, or why Sunset needed it in the first place. What use was it to her? What backstory did this character have to send her on this path? These questions, I held on to and almost completely forgot through that hour because the film was entertaining and enjoyable enough for me to wait until later for answers. There were great cameos and fun tidbits of interaction among the main characters to draw my attention. I could even tolerate a lot of the shit songs in the film.
     
    The final half hour? RAPED this film ROYALLY. The pacing was absolutely horrid in that final act. There were too many plotlines that they were dragging out for so long that they couldn't resolve them all conclusively in 30 minutes. There was no falling action in this movie. It was exposition, rising action, rising action, rising action, climax, resolution. There were several pointless scenes that I pointed out that they could've cut to give the film more time if they were on a 90 minute constraint. But THEN those FUCKING FINAL TEN MINUTES. Twilight choosing to endanger Equestria for the sake of high school spirit? Pissed me off. Crown making powerful demons of people? Pissed me off. Sunset Shimmer's terrible plan that involved using teenagers to take over Equestria? Pissed me off. The Elements of Harmony being activated by NOTHING? Royally pissed me off. Sunset Shimmer's instant redemption? Threw me over the cliff. But the fact that NONE of my questions from the beginning were REMOTELY addressed? ALL OF THAT RUINED THE WHOLE FUCKING FILM.
     
    All-in-all, My Little Pony: Equestria Girls is god awful. You might find yourself liking it at first, but prepare for instant disappointment and an immediate spiral into Shitsville U.S.A. I will AT THE VERY LEAST give this movie a 2/10. Why even that? Because at least that first hour kept me in good spirits, and at least Spike was put to good use in this film. Otherwise, everything else is a waste of goddamn time. Fuck this movie.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    What a great way to start the new year, isn't it? Well, don't you get your tits in a twist just yet, my friends. There's still a whole other season of the TV Show that has been unscathed by my prickly prickiness. My reviews of the fourth season are fast-approaching, and we'll see if it was any improvement over the terrible third season and especially this god awful film. I'll see you next Friday, when we begin the season four reviews of...
     
    My Little Pony.....
     
     
     
    Friendship.......
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    is................
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    a terrible idea to make into a film franchise. Seriously, fuck this movie. I never knew how much I would hate this boiling pot of octopus urine.
  22. PrymeStriker
    YES!
     
    FINALLY, after two long years of this shit, I finally get to review.......
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    A BEATLES ALBUM!
     
    Ladies and Gentleman, please roll up for the Magical Mystery Tour!
     

     
    Now, I must say, Magical Mystery Tour is one of the Beatles' best albums, even if it was originally not part of their official discography. But since the US already compiled the 1967 singles with the original British Magical Mystery Tour EP, it was more convenient to make this album part of the Beatles legacy. And boy is it worth it. With great songs like "The Fool on the Hill", "I Am the Walrus", and "Strawberry Fields Forever", this album is enough to make you cum more buckets than a brony on 4chan.
     
    ...
     
    Wait, what's that? I'm reviewing "Magical Mystery Cure"?
     
    ....
     
    Are you sure I can't just review Magical Mystery Tour. I'll get less shit from audiences for it.
     
    ...
     
    Please stop shoving your pitchfork up my ass.
     
    ...
     
    Thanks, Satan. You're a star.
     
    ...
     
    *sigh*
     
    ...
     
    *lays behind desk for cover*
     
    ...
     
    *ahem*
     
    ...
     
    Welcome one and all to the season three wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!
     

     
    Here we are, folks. The final episode of season three. It's been a long time, but now I'm coming back home. I feel as though you ought to know that this episode is relatively controversial. Not only did people flip their shit over mere previews of this episode, but people are still very adamant that this is the worst thing in the history of anything ever. Well, as we watch this episode, we'll see if I agree with you fuckers at all. So, without further ado, let me take you down, 'cause I'm rolling up for the "Magical Mystery Cure". Spoilers ahead.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    So this episode opens up with a Beauty and the Beast-like musical number called "Morning in Ponyville Shimmers", about what a certainly fine day it is. Personally, I think South Park did a better job, but that's a given in almost any comparison between My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and South Park. However, it seems her shimmer is about to come to a sunset (somebody fucking kill me) as it appears that Rarity has Rainbow Dash's cutie mark. After the title sequence gives me testicles the size of my kidneys, we see that it's not just Rarity, but all of her friends that have swapped cutie marks. Cleverly, the writers made it so that everyone received a talent that we as the audience know they'd suck at. Rarity is given Dash's weather job, Dash is given Fluttershy's animal caretaking talent, Fluttershy is given Pinkie Pie's party planning talent, Pinkie Pie is given Applejack's apple orchard duties, and Applejack is given Rarity's eye for fashion, and the cycle continues on. This is explained through Musical Number #2: "What My Cutie Mark is Telling Me"
     
    Coincidentally, everyone's bodies were sliced clean in half, too. They've mere minutes to live.
     
    It's at this point that you might expect me to throw a hissy fit about there being a musical number every other half a microsecond. Well, I'm not, and there are two reasons for this. One, I don't think any of these songs are interrupting the pace of the episode too drastically. Now, that's not say they aren't fucking the pace....they are, but it's not on the level of "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", and we'll see why once the episode is through. The second reason is that, unlike "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", I don't mind the songs either. They're not shitty compositions nor lyrically incompetent so far. I also won't complain about the cutie mark swaps either. I have no problems about the conventions of a cutie mark being altered, and the reason why they're not any good at their "new" cutie marks is that their personalities are clashing with the mark they believe they've had all their lives now. Moving swiftly forward, Twilight realizes that she's caused all of this by reading aloud a mysterious unfinished spell sent to her by Celestia.
     

    You know what would've saved this? Don't read shit out loud, you dumbass purple bitch.
     
    Twilight descends into a minute long ballad about how she's fucked up...and the pacing problems are really starting to show now. I digress, however, because once she's done singing the ballad of John and Yoko, she realizes what she needs to do. Since their "true selves" have been altered (some wonky wording on Twilight's part given what we've been shown), she realizes that she can show them what they mean to each other. In other words, get one friend to help another and realize that they're true talent is the job they're helping their friend with. It looks like all they needed was love, as yet another musical montage shows Twilight getting everyone back on track. Fluttershy helps Rainbow Dash, who helps Rarity, who helps Applejack, who helps Pinkie Pie, who helps the townsfolk, who helps Satan, who helps Hasbro. Also, Rainbow Dash is about to be cooked alive.
     

    This finale just received major points.
     
    Once everyone receives Help!, Twilight's friends return to their former glory as far as their cutie marks are concerned. I kinda glazed over the "True Friend" musical number, but rest assured it's rather lengthy and probably the best paced of all the musical numbers. Catchy tunes man, I can't seem to get them out of my head. So once Twilight's achieved maximum fuckability levels, she realizes how to complete the mysterious unfinished spell. Something about friendship, of course. It's at this point when the elements of harmony zap Twilight into ash (you think I'm joking?) and as a result of this murder, Twilight wakes up in Celestia's heaven...place. She explains that she's "proven she's ready", at least ready for the very thing Luna was worried about in "The Crystal Empire", indicating the princesses have been keeping tabs on her journeys from day one. It's here when Celestia sings a ballad about how Twilight's grown, and that she's proud of Twilight, as a variety of images from the past 65 episodes dance around her like a million eyes. We'll talk about this specific event later, but the big thing is, because Twilight's learned so much about friendship, and she's proven herself more than capable time and time again, it's time for Twilight Sparkle to be upgraded to Princess status.
     

    ..............Well dayum, nigguh. O_O
     
    So...the first three seasons were building up to this?
     
    ...
     
    Huh.
     
    ...I...like it....
     
    ...as.....a-as Twilight is returned to the physical realm, Celestia explains that since she's come to Ponyville, she's displayed all the qualities of a Princess. Perhaps part of the reason Celestia took Twilight under her wing in the first place was for her to join the ranks of Princesses in Equestria. You know, for the Beast Hunters-esque corporate mandate that this whole Alicorn Twilight thing is, this whole concept was written really fucking well. It's like this was the ultimate goal all along. Twilight displays slight hesitation and worry, but eventually gains confidence in the fact that she's ready for all of this, and we dissolve to the coronation, where all the traditional festivities take place. Twilight walks down the aisle at 10 to 6, the Hendersons dance and sing as Mr. Kite flies through the ring, crowds hoard the castle in groups the size of Rishikesh, and of course Twilight speaks to her new subjects. It's here that she thanks her friends for showing her the way of friendship or whatever and of course thanks the many people in the crowd for their acceptance.
     

    "And I promise you! The first order of business when I'm in office is to build that damn wall!"
     
    In the end, we hear Sgt. Pepper's Reprise before Twilight flies into the camera claiming that everything will be "just fine!" So concludes "Magical Mystery Cure".
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    *prepares shield and iron armor*
     
    ...
     
    *ahem*
     
    This is a good finale.
     
    *is pelted with tomatoes*
     
    Throw all the tomatoes you want, I don't give a shit. This is still a good finale. It's not perfect, but it's far from being the POS fuck-up disaster opus everyone makes it out to be. First of all, yes, the pacing of this episode isn't great. I would've preferred vastly if this was a two-parter instead of a single episode. Outside of that, however, this isn't much to hate here. I've already explained how the whole cutie mark swapping plotline does make sense in theory (though it's not explained that well in the episode, I'll admit), and I've already accounted for the musical numbers. That said, just take a look at all the genius on the other side of the moon. Celestia's ballad about how she's watched Twilight from the very start, seeing her grow and change into what she is now, and being proud of her, is a perfect demonstration of the achievement Twilight had just accomplished over the course of the series. Twilight coming into her own as a princess, as a result of everything that came before it, seemed very natural, even if this wasn't the outcome any of us could've predicted. Especially given that "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" was meant to be a rehash of this, it's clear to see which plotline had the better resolution. This one. Right here. Twilight didn't reach a milestone in terms of her character per-say, but the fact that her previous growth resulted in this is enough to make us as viewers proud of Twilight. And I think that's the whole point of this finale in a nutshell. It has wonky pacing and doesn't explain its plotlines too well, even though they make sense, but goddammit, by the end of this episode, I felt overwhelming joy for Twilight. Overwhelming joy, despite knowing the outcome of the episode. Therefore, I think "Magical Mystery Cure" deserves an 8/10.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, it's that time of year again, isn't it? I've finished reviewing season three, which means I get to do a final assessment of all 13 episodes. Here goes everything!:
     
    01. The Crystal Empire (Part 1) 8/10
    02. The Crystal Empire (Part 2) 2/10
    03. Too Many Pinkie Pies 9/10
    04. One Bad Apple 7/10
    05. Magic Duel 9/10
    06. Sleepless in Ponyville 10/10
    07. Wonderbolts Academy 7/10
    08. Apple Family Reunion 4/10
    09. Spike at Your Service 2/10
    10. Keep Calm and Flutter On 8/10
    11. Just for Sidekicks 7/10
    12. Game Ponies Play 5/10
    13. Magical Mystery Tour 8/10
     
    Therefore, my overall rating for season three of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is:
     
    6.6/10
    Best episode: "Sleepless in Ponyville"
    Worst episode: "Spike at Your Service"
     
    Holy shit, did this season suck ass. Well, that might be an over-exaggeration, but bear in mind that a passing grade for most anything for me is a 7/10, so a 6.6/10 is technically a failure. And it's clear to see by this season's output. Look up at that episode list. Look how red it is. Four shitty episodes in a thirteen episode season, and three more that were sub-par enough to just barely pass. Over half of season three is below average. Were there any episodes that blew me away? "Sleepless in Ponyville". That's it. One fucking episode in the whole season. Granted "Too Many Pinkie Pies" and "Magic Duel" were close contenders, but they both had some minute issues that prevented them from reaching their full glory.
     
    All that's left is the other side of the pond. "Spike at Your Service" is a terrible fucking episode with bullshit everywhere. "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)" practically ruined the entire premiere. "Apple Family Reunion" is contorted mess. "Games Ponies Play" is a waste of time. The only thing season three has taught me is that I think a re-evaluation of season five is in order. If you don't know, I hated the fifth season, but it's been long enough where I have to think back and remember, was it really as bad as this? I guess we'll have to find out after the fourth season. Overall, season three wasn't really that great, and was an early sign of the way things were going to go for subsequent releases of the show. Especially coming after the glorious second season, this was a complete letdown. At least the finale was almost worth it. Almost.
     
     
     
    With that said, I'm done with reviews for this year. I'll be taking the next three weeks off to masturbate, and when we come back, we can finally review season four of My Little Po-
     

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    .
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    .
     
     
     
    ......................
     
     
     
     
     
    FUCK SHIT COCK SON OF A BITCH ASSWIPING PRICK-SHREDDER....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    FUUUCKING....EQUESTRIA GIRRRRRLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZSZSZSZSZ
     
    fml
  23. PrymeStriker
    Previously on My Little Stony: The Recap I Did for "A Canterlot Wedding (Part 2)" Was Better
     
    Punk-Ass Decepticon: "When the bad seeds are planted, and you dare shed a tear, that's when you know that the end will be near"
     
    PryamidStriker: "Who the fuck wrote this on my computer monitor? Better yet, why in red sharpie?"
     
    Twilight Sparkle: "Sarah, this is an intervention. We're concerned about you."
     
    Aang: "WELL WHEN YOU FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DEFEAT THE FIRE LORD WITHOUT TAKING HIS LIFE I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT!"
     
    Satan: "YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES!!!!!!!!"
     
    PrismarineStriker: "This is what happens when you try unusual positions in order to save a city without testing your spouse for STDs."
     
     
     
    Cue the title sequence!
     
    (Come and let's play together / In the bright sunny weather / let's all go to Gullah Gullah Island)
     
    Spoilers ahead.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    Ah, finally! I get to continue the story of Bungalow Bill. Where we last left our band of assholes, Cadence died or something and Sombra is returning to rape us all. After the title sequence splits my ears into pools of undying boredom with more ungodly compositional mediocrity than a modern rock album, we see that Cadence had enough juice to spark up a force field to keep Sombra out for a little while longer. That's when Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash set out to find the Crystal Heart, in a running sequence in which Twilight....just sort of.....nearly whispers her lines. Egh, that's a bit awkward, but moving swiftly forward, word gets around to Spike that Twilight's searching for the Crystal Heart, which prompts him to want to join her despite being told not to "lift a claw" or something. Once Twilight approves, she reveals to Spike that she thinks the heart might've been hidden in the castle. So....wait....you ran outside and away from the castle..........just to go back to the castle? What the fuck? Were you going for a mid-catastrophe jog?
     

    Hey! Remember when you were already here two minutes ago? No? These fuckin' purple ponies......
     
    Meanwhile, the other five asshats have to pretend like nothing's wrong, and the intensity of this premiere is repeatedly brought to something of a halt when we have to sit through the trials of Applejack keeping the Crystal Heart under wraps and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy's jousting. Egh....I know the end of part one was exciting and all, but the beginning of this episode retains the first part's initial clumsiness. Thankfully, we return to the actual story as we watch Twilight deduce that the castle has been altered from Sombra's reign. She does one of those dark magic blasts that Celestia demonstrated in part one to reveal a secret stairway. Um, I see her struggle doing that, but she's never tried that kind of spell before. The fact that she was able to remotely do it correctly on her very first practice is kind of contrived. Subsequently, Twilight ventures downward through the staircase, and I'll admit, I half expected her to fly down instead of walk. The fourth and fifth seasons have tainted me so. While conditions outside worsen, Twilight opens a door at the bottom of the pit that reveals a vision of her biggest fear. This reminds me of "The God Complex" from Doctor Who. Just not as boring.
     

    "Of course. Who else?"
     
    Here is where we see the glass stain of the previous review's greatest comment of all time, in which Spike manages to snap Twilight out of her vision and back to her senses. Although, Spike then see's his biggest fear, which was Twilight sending him away. A decent call-back to "Owl's Well That Ends Well", but moreso just a charming bonding moment. When the two enter the door, they find a more infinite stairs upward, and Twilight gets the idea to turn gravity upside down and slide up the stairs. Fuck logic, that sequence is pretty cool. Meanwhile, as Sombra continues to bypass Cadence's security, the Crystal Ponies get antsy and urge to see the Crystal Heart. Unfortunately, when a unruly beach ball unveils the faux heart, the Crystal Ponies begin to lose hope, and Sombra's power grows ever stronger. You know what just occurred to me? Absolutely nothing relevant, I just remember watching this on TV and seeing about 10,000 commercials for Gak, to the point where there were three commercials in a row. Ah, hilarious good times. Anyways, back to the terror, the Crystal Empire is essentially fucked at this point, but not before Twilight finds the Crystal Heart in th................
     

    .........................................................................................
     
    ..........................................................................................
     
     
     
     
     
    *ahem*
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
     
    THE CRYSTAL HEART WAS FLOATING IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPEN ROOM AT THE TOP OF THE CASTLE ALL THIS TIME!?!?! NO ONE THOUGHT TO LOOK UP?!?! Because, if I WAS LOOKING FOR A REALLY IMPORTANT ANCIENT RELIC, I MIGHT HAVE THE DECENCY TO SAY "Oh, gee, I wonder what that glowing thing is up there?" INSTEAD OF WASTE ALL THIS GODDAMN TIME!!!!!!! And THEN, just to ice this whole cake, Twilight gets trapped in Sombra's dark magic crystals as Spike just stands there WITH THE CRYSTAL HEART, stating that Twilight has to bring it to Cadence herself or else she fails Celestia's test. Well, you see, the thing is, FUCK CELESTIA'S TEST. FUCK CELESTIA'S FUCKED UP LOGIC IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE AND SAVE THIS GODDAMN ANCIENT CIVILIZATION YOU COUPLE OF SHIT-FACED COCKBASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
     
     
    Well, this premiere just got infinitely worse. After some more time-wasting, Twilight finally deduces that Spike should probably take the Crystal Heart instead. Unfortunately, since we wasted all this time, Sombra has broken into the empire and salvation at this point seems unlikely. When Spike falls off the tower with the Crystal Heart and Sombra has decided to reach for it himself, Shining Armor throws his wife.............................yikes....................................into the air to fly up and catch Spike and the relic. Evidently, the forward pass is good.
     

    Now, Cadence! You must complete the pass for the touchdown of the century!
     
    Cadence is dubbed by the citizens as "The Crystal Princess" as she commands the Crystal Ponies to, as Varrick from The Legend of Korra might put it, "do the thing". So, they do their Crystal Pony Love and Harmony shit and everyone gets Crystal Pony toys, Sombra is slain with only four or five lines of dialogue, and Twilight is saved from her imprisonment. From the distance, Celestia and Luna rejoice, because they didn't have to do jack shit. Meanwhile, Twilight's a tad upset that Spike saved a couple hundred thousand people from another thousand years of enslavement and genocide, because she may have failed Celestia's test. Do you fucking see my problem with this premiere yet? Luckily, Celestia isn't as stupid as one might anticipate, and explains that sacrifice for the greater good is more valuable. She also claims Twilight learned this..............even though she didn't. I mean, she had to be told the "answer" by the teacher, so technically, she did fail. I digress, we have a shitty reprise of the "Prepared For This Song" from Part 1.
     

    I'm gonna vomit.
     
    The episode closes with Celestia and Luna holding an ominous book, and so concludes "The Crystal Empire".
     
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Part 2 is such bullshit.
     
    Not only are there pacing problems galore, but there are several things logically and morally wrong with the events that transpire in this episode. Aside from all the awkward voice-animation syncing in the first three minutes and the nitpicks, as I previously ranted, the Crystal Heart was at the TOP OF THE CRYSTAL TOWER. How in Hilary Clinton's rotting menopausal anus did anyone NOT SEE, or THINK TO LOOK UP THERE BEFORE?! It's not like it couldn't have been changed, either! Just have the heart buried underground and this whole part of the episode wouldn't be a fucking issue! It's like a plot device in Transformers: Combiner Wars, where they have to keep "The Enigma" hidden from the combiners, but yet they hold in a fucking open space that is visible from thousands of miles away. What is wrong with writers when they do this shit?! Then, there's the entire ending being so fucking focused on Twilight passing a "test"! I already explained my issues with Celestia gambling on an entire empire, but this is fucking pathetic. I would've expected Twilight Sparkle to be smart enough to say "FUCK YOU, CELESTIA" regarding the fate of a hundred thousand citizens instead of being so sad about saving the lives of people at the end. It comes off as whiny, and blatantly selfish. Even though the "sacrifice" moral is taught at the end, Twilight is still rewarded for passing her "test" even though she didn't do jack shit to earn it. In the end, we learn that this whole premiere was a superficial waste of time. Part 1 might have been balanced out, but Part 2 is such a trainwreck that it ruins a fuckload of the whole thing for me. I'm giving "The Crystal Empire (Part 2)" a 2/10, making the premiere's average a 5/10. This has got to be the worst premiere of the series.
     
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    What a steaming bowl of hot diarrhea these episodes were. I can't believe how much I hated this, since I remember liking this two-parter. Looks like that dumb shit someone wrote on my computer monitor was right...the end is very....very near. We'll see how the rest of season three holds up, but so far, I'm unimpressed. Join me next week when we continue season three of...
     
    My Little Pony....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    Friendship........
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    is....................
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    a marketing ploy by Satan Industries.
  24. PrymeStriker
    "When the bad seeds are planted, and you dare shed a tear, that's when you know that the end will be near".
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    ....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Who the fuck wrote this on my computer monitor? Better yet, why in red sharpie?
     
    ...
     
    Well, folks, it seems I have a freeloader in my house trying to fuck with me. I'll have to multitask for this review. Watch the episode, write down the events and take notes, and polish my shotgun. I promise that's not a euphemism this time. Meanwhile, it's time to kickstart the reviews for season three of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Now, it is true that I used to call season three the worst season of the show. However, as we go through each of the thirteen episodes, we're gonna find out just how true that is, and if this really marks the beginning of the end of good quality from the series. Without further ado, part one of the season three premiere: "The Crystal Empire".
     
    This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "The Crystal Empire (Part 1)", please take the time now to close the browser, go outside, find a nice prickly bush, and incessantly beat it with your birthday suit.
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    -
     
    This episode opens up with Princess Celestia in Canterlot, as a guard rushes in to tell her that "IT" has returned. Holy shit, he's right! They're making a new movie for Stephen King's It in 2017! It has returned! Run, before Pennywise shreds you a new asshole!!! In the wake of this horrifying news, Celestia orders that Princess Cadence and Shining Armor be alerted immediately. I sincerely doubt they would be available, considering this is so soon after their wedding. Odds are the two are "saving Canterlot" in the bedroom right now. It is then that Celestia writes to Twilight, beckoning her to Canterlot immediately. After the title sequence blends my liver into a protein shake and spills itself through my spleen until it ruptures and protrudes from my fingers, causing an inverse in body temperature and turning me into a frozen pile of gelatin blood, we see that Twilight is being naturally in panic mode after being summoned by her idol for a "test".
     

    A face only a purple pony could love.
     
    Her friends watch i*Saves Draft*n concern as she hastily searches for her flash cards. Spike tells her to calm down, because it's "just a test", which prompts her to blow her library into the sky. Ah yes, two statements are to be made about this. 1) How the fuck did anyone survive that? 2) If you thought that was bad, just wait until you see what the library looks like at the end of season four! *badumtssszzzssz* Later, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna discuss ominously this "empire" which has returned. Given the title of the episode, I'm just going to go off a hunch and say that this empire is probably the British Empire. However, all will be revealed in due time, including the possibility of Twilight being that much closer to being "ready". For what, exactly? Gee.........I couldn't imagine. It's not like I've already seen the season three finale. That's when Twilight barges in like a bitch with all her notes and shit.
     

    With Twilight, Celestia's use of the phrase "bitch, don't be such a fucktard" will never cease.
     
    It is here that Celestia reveals that this is no ordinary test. It is instead regarding the return of an empire...the Crystal Empire. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, so THAT'S the name of the ominous empire! I could've never have figured that out! Celestia explains that the Crystal Empire has been "gone" for (you guessed it) "1,000 years", and that many ponies knowledge of it, even her own, is limited. Back then, a unicorn by the name of King Sombra took over the empire and enslaved all its citizens. However, Celestia and Luna defeated him and banished the king to the arctic north. Wait, wait, wait a minute. You saved the Crystal Empire?
     
    ...
     
    Oh, how convenient.
     
    THEN HOW THE FUCK IS YOUR KNOWLEDGE "LIMITED?!"
     
    I mean COME ON, Meghan! If CELESTIA and LUNA saved the empire ONCE, they SURELY KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT IT. They didn't just save a bunch of people and then say HAH, FUCK Y'ALL NIGGAZ, FAM. #YOLO. The argument could be made that Sombra enacted the curse to get rid of the empire before Celestia could study it, but clearly the empire existed beforehand, and it should be Celestia's job to know what civilizations preside in her kingdom. It's clear that Celestia wants to see if Twilight can help protect this empire, and learn the lesson so that she'll be "ready" for the finale's events, but why would you gamble with an ancient empire? Be a figure of authority in your fucking kingdom for once and DEAL WITH SHIT. Ugh.........so it's off to the empire to assist Princess Cadence and Shining Armor in protecting the empire. However, Twilight discusses her fears of failing the test through song.
     

    This song is actually pretty shit. Avoid it at all costs.
     
    Twilight then gathers up her homies and declare that they are going to the Crystal Empire! You know what just occurred to me? That sounds like the name of a drug lord's network of meth. "The Crystal Empire", guaranteed to make you disappear for 1,000 years. Upon arrival, the ponies find they must travel a great distance in the barren snow to reach the empire. Oh, geez, the meth empire jokes just keep writing themselves. That's when Shining Armor shows up to lead the way, and explains they must move briskly to avoid capture by the other "it" that's returned.....King Sombra. Son of a motherfucking bitch, it's always something, isn't it? Luckily, through trial, error, and bloodshed, everyone manages to sort of make it out of the storm without bruise. Except, Shining Armor received an unfortunate fate.
     

    This is what happens when you try unusual positions in order to save a city without testing your spouse for STDs.
     
    This unicorn syphilis means that Shining Armor will be unable to assist in the ways he previously has....I guess....but fuck that shit, we're here! The Crystal Empire! And in good time, too, I'm in desperate need of some high flying if you know what I mean. Hence, they make their way to the castle to meet up with Princess Cadence, who has been using her love and light powers to hold off against Sombra. However, it's been chipping away at her strength, and given Shining Armor's current unfortunate predicament, there's no one to help her. Also, since they've been spending all their time up in the castle, they haven't been able to talk to the Crystal Ponies about what could be used to help protect them as well. Ah, there are Crystal Ponies, are there? Great, we can all get high together, then. Twilight deducts that the best course of action is for her and her friends to conduct research on the ponies in order to figure out what other precautions to take. Hence, our heroes take to the streets, but are met with unhappy spirits. I mean, I would be too if I were hooked on crystals for 1,000 years. It's great every once and a while, but you gotta stop for breath.
     

    "Sarah, this is an intervention. We're concerned about you."
     
    The entire empire seems to be suffering from extreme PTSD about King Sombra, feeling like 1,000 years was "just yesterday". This leads to some interestingly gruesome dialogue, it's so artsy I love it. They regroup with zero intel, Pinkie Pie stating her cover has been blown after coming out of a Fluttershy costume. I have to say, as per usual course, Pinkie Pie is fucking hilarious in this episode. Our main characters must find a way to restore pride to the people of Crystal, as Applejack mentions that there's a local library they can learn some history through. They discover an ancient festival that used to take place here, the Crystal Fair, and plan to reprise it so that the Crystal Ponies can renew their spirit of love and unity. Oh, shit, this is actually
    . Groovy, man. After they've set up everything, Applejack takes intrigue in some heart-shaped contraption, in which Twilight explains was a centerpiece that she recreated. Hmm....something tells me the Crystal Heart is actually important and shouldn't have been "recreated". It's not like I've seen Part 2, or... 
    The Crystalling.
     
    Nope, completely foreign foreshadowing to me. As such, the festivities begin, and spirits are briefly renewed. However, trouble arises when its discovered that the Crystal Heart is not just a "centerpiece", but more like the entire point of the festival, and must be powered by the Crystal Ponies to restore protection to the empire. Oh, shit! You mean it's an actual relic! Well fuck me silly, this is an exciting revelation! Even worse, it is revealed that Sombra actually hid the real heart somewhere, and no one knows where it is. Just when shit couldn't get any fucking worse, Cadence passes out, breaking the love barriers and letting King Sombra back into the empire!
     

    SON OF A PIP!
     
    So concludes "The Crystal Empire (Part 1)"
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Wait...what?
     
    Th...That's the end of Part 1?!
     
    NO! You ASSHOLES! It was just getting GOOD!
     
    ...
     
    Well, fair to say, I actually enjoyed the first part, so much that I was upset when the credits rolled for the cliffhanger. Twilight's trials seem decently paced, if I can remember when Part 2 is going, but I'm going to have to wait and see. I'll be honest, though, I did not like the first half of this episode. With all its wonky backstory and shitty setups, the premise of this episode did not seem promising at all. I also got very angry with Celestia being a lazy bitch cunt about the Crystal Empire. I understand the direction of the season and all that, but it just paints Celestia in bad light as a princess as I've previously explained. Then there was all the sloggy shit with getting to the empire and the boring musical number. However, the second half really did pick up, with Pinkie Pie's fantastic comedic timing, the execution of the "plan", the PTSD citizens in all their intriguing, cleverly-thought out glory, and finally that badass cliffhanger where everything seems just about ready to crumble! Goddamn! If the first half was as good as the second, this would easily make a 10/10. However, I do have to be fair and deduct a few points off for the shitty start. Therefore, "The Crystal Empire (Part 1)" deserves an 8/10.
     
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
    Well, I'm genuinely interested to see where this goes. I honestly can't remember what happens in part two, so this should be an exciting experience. In such case, I will see you all once again next Friday when we continue...
     
    My Little Pony....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Friendship....
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    is..........
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    YOU WILL PERISH IN FLAMES........................
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    a Drug Lord's Paradise!
  25. PrymeStriker
    On August 28th, 2014, I wrote the first review for my on-going comedy/analysis blog series for MLP, PrymeStriker's Episode Reviews. This was, as of yesterday, two years ago, and I started it all with what I had perceived at the time to be the worst episode of the whole series, "Simple Ways". That was a long time ago, and both my dispositions and points of criticism have changed. That review was poorly written altogether, from the corny jokes to the repetitiveness of the rants, and I'd like to think I've come a long way since then. Although I've made this decision a while back, today I would like to 'publicly' revoke my opinion on "Simple Ways". It is by no means the worst episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.



    It is, however, still a burning sack of shit ass balls wrapped in the torn skin of orphans and sprinkled with marmite.

    "Simple Ways" is still something that's hard for me to sit through. It's cringeworthy on so many levels, from Rarity's behavior, to Applejack's response, and finally Trenderhoof's very existence. Friendship is Magic has no shortage of cheesy lines, but this episode takes the cake anyway. Every time I hear Rarity's shitty country accent I want to strangle everything around me. On top of that, the plot is absolutely null. In my previous editorial, I complained that The Legend of Korra had a lot of love triangle bullshit early on, and this sort of criticism really goes for everything. Love triangle plots are wastes of time. Any show that does them honestly are shooting themselves in the ass. It's lazy and is never met with a satisfactory conclusion because there's never anything to invest in. These were all my major problems with "Simple Ways", and I gave it a 1/10 because of that, which is the lowest rating I give anything. However, I do want to correct this rating.

    Instead, "Simple Ways" deserves a 2/10.

    Big difference, I know, but this isn't because I think more fondly of the episode. Instead, it's because a new episode has taken its place as the worst episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. An episode that didn't exist on August 28th, 2014. An episode that, if you've been following my review series, you've heard me bitch about time and time and time and TIME again. Clearly, there's an episode that has left more of a sour taste in my mouth than any other episode of this show. Unfortunately for my ass, it's not exactly the most popular episode to hate on either. Well, social acceptance has never stopped me in the past, has it? The episode that really grinds my fucking gears is...



    This episode I gave a 2/10 back in the day, and described "isn't 'Simple Ways' bad". Well, time has a way of changing things, doesn't it? I'm swapping out the two episodes' scores because this one has had the lasting effect. "Simple Ways" is horrible, but like most bad episodes, you want to push it to the back of the filing cabinet in your mind so that you never have to speak of the atrocity unless you have to. "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" does not do this for me, however. I'm reminded of it every time I see the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and it's spoiled some of their early episodes for me as well. A bad episode that has the power to never be forgotten and to ruin so much around it, I think, deserves more of a royal beating than one that's a standalone unpleasant experience.

    I'll admit, while the comedy on my "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" review was improving, my actual analysis was still a little sloppy. I kept rambling on about what "should have happened" and only seldom touched up on what was actually wrong with this shit stain. It should have been the other way around; rant about the problems and then touch up on what should have happened. Because, really, the missed opportunities with this episode are a big part of the shit factor, but not the ones I think are going to hit home with anyone. So, I guess this editorial is a make-up for that review, and hopefully after this entry I can finally put my incessant disdain to rest. Allow me to explain better: there are four major problems with "Crusaders of the Lost Mark".

    1) The Pacing

    It's all over the place. Don't get me wrong, pacing is a common problem with this show in general. Every other episode, especially as of recent, seems to have a pacing problem somewhere. It's simply the magnitude of what this episode's supposed to be that makes this one exponentially worse. This fault primarily lies with the songs. I bring up "Magical Mystery Cure" as a reference point to how to do a musical episode 'right' in a sense. That episode's no masterpiece, but I never felt at any point in the episode like I was being interrupted. I never felt like the story was coming to a grinding halt to sing a pop diddy. However, this is the case every time a musical number comes up here. You'll notice that the songs don't actually advance anything. The majority of them don't add anything to the character or the story, and scenes or plot-points that should've only taken a minute or less to explain or show are dragged out to two to four minutes. The few songs that do substantially advance anything are either too forgettable to be noteworthy or become a nuisance just by sheer fact that there's another musical number. Unfortunately, there's no way to win here. The music should have been cut altogether, which would've made for more coherent pacing.

    2) The Redemption

    Diamond Tiara isn't supposed to be a likable character. She was never portrayed as anything deep in the past. However, I've always advocated that this character be given something to work with. It is objectively not good writing to do this in 10 fucking minutes. The way you set up a character's motivations and backstory so that you empathize with the character is to do it over time. An unfair comparison, but let's look at Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Did they explain his history of child abuse, banishment, struggle with doing the right thing, and finding his own destiny in a few minutes and then have him redeem himself by the end of a single episode? No. They did this over the course of 3 whole seasons. Why? Because that's how you pace your character. You have them learn through trial and error while at the same time allowing the audience to join their journey and receive a pay-off at the end. Diamond Tiara doesn't do this. I know Zuko is a main character of his series while Diamond Tiara is a more of a recurrence, but there's absolutely nothing to connect with when it comes to her redemption at the end of the episode. The resolve? Spread this out over a few episodes. I'm not asking for season long arcs for Diamond Tiara, but the least they could've done is tease her complexes before hand. Namely, have the Pip for President sub-plot be an episode on its own. Not a back-to-back two parter, but something that resolves its own story while at the same time teasing something more to come later on. Yes, our protagonists win, and Diamond Tiara is foiled again, but she goes home to the disapproval of her mother and we leave on that. This way, when we actually deal with the sympathy focus, it has some kind of backing.

    3) The Cutie Marks/Arc Closure

    What the hell do these cutie marks have to do with anything? Certainly not their talents. We've been building up all series long that, while Apple Bloom's been more fluctuational, at the very least Scootaloo was a stuntmare and Sweetie Belle was a singer. We've also learned in previous episodes that a pony receives their cutie mark once they've discovered their true talent. Perhaps this correlates with the destiny side of cutie marks, but again, they cram this into ten minutes. I'll admit I initially overlooked "Appleloosa's Most Wanted" as an example of the CMC helping someone else discover themselves, so I will give that there was an ounce of build-up, but I think the biggest problem perhaps lies in Sweetie Belle's mark. It blatantly displays a musical note on the design. Sweetie Belle, if "Filli Vanilli" has taught us a goddamned thing, did not have to sing at all to earn this. Therefore, why isn't her mark something more generic and uninspired like the other two? Ultimately, this makes the whole arc a disappointment. It is unlike Diamond Tiara where we could've just given her development a few scattered episodes and nothing more. The CMC arc was a main focus for five seasons, and through it all we were building up to something else entirely. Instead, of all the CMC episodes, only one actually foreshadows this conclusion, which is sloppy. I mentioned this in the review, but I watched this episode without a disposition of anything. My mind was completely blank, and I think I can look at things more critically when I do this, so when the cutie marks showed up in the last two minutes, I honestly said aloud: "Really? That's how they decided do it? Wow. What a waste."

    4) Waste of Potential

    My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic might be an "average" series overall with inconsistent quality abound, but the writers are by no means stupid. I might gloss over this with some other show, but these writers do know how to deal with character and character conflict. The CMC arc could've been something much deeper and thought provoking than it was. I try not to read too much into unfinished works and take things for what they are, but in hindsight, there was a better way to write the CMC's conclusion. The simple outcome: only one of them gets their cutie mark. With something as straightforward as that, their arc takes new and interesting turns, leaving a stronger moral and a better resolve than "Yay! We'll be together forever! Cutie Mark Crusaders Yeah!" Instead, they would be at a crossroad: "Do we remain friends after this?" "Where do we go from here?" "Will things ever be the same?" The episode would be them trying to cope with a change in the status quo. There would be in-fighting, and there would be serious conflict. The writers would take it where they want, but I could see it eventually ending on the message that no matter how different things might be now, they were always the crusaders, and they always will be. Isn't that a less privileged lesson to teach children? Yeah, your friends aren't always going to be on your level. You might get jealous, and society might decide you guys need to drift apart. Instead of having everything fall perfectly into place, you decide which friendships last. That's the smarter, sophisticated writing that I mistakenly thought this series was mature enough to handle. I guess I was wrong.



    All in all, I felt I needed to properly talk about these two episodes as I've given them a lot of shit without fully explaining myself. Interestingly, I can see why people would like "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", but even still, those flaws glare through for me and they'll never go away no matter how hard I might try to suppress it. It's a bad episode. It's poorly written, hastily thought out, and makes the whole story arc a waste of time. However, I don't think any other episode of the show has ever left a more sour taste in my mouth, or one that has ruined both preceding and succeeding episodes, and at the time even demotivated me from continuing the series for a good couple of months. Even the more objectively shitty episodes don't do this. "Boast Busters", "MMMystery on the Friendship Express", "Bridle Gossip", "Secret of My Excess", "Rainbow Falls", "Filli Vanilli", "One Bad Apple", and even "Simple Ways", are probably collectively and objectively worse than "Crusaders of the Lost Mark". This episode, though, is still the worst of the show because, like nothing else before it, "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" singlehandedly ruined most of what made My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic a fantastic show for me.



    And I haven't even watched season 6 yet.
×
×
  • Create New...