BUT BEFORE I START I WARN YOU, THIS IS A VERY LONG READ...SO IF YOU CARE PLEASE READ IT, THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.
How do I begin? These last months has been the most stressful I had in a very long while and I feel really bad, like seriously bad for saying that I don't love my family. Just thinking about each one of these words together to form that horrible sentence leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
And Christmas is just in a few hours and these thoughts are just not acceptable for a moment in when we are supposed to share and spend time together as a family. My mother's dream is for us to be a loving and caring family but I think that this will never be true, and honestly I stopped believing in fairy tales, I don't care at all if we are close to each other or not.
I see that there are worse families out there that are dealing with a lot of painful stuff, like drug junkies and alcoholic children, violent parents, domestic violence, dead chrildren or dead parents, disabilities and much more.
We don't have any of that, My parents are still married after 30 long years, we are economically stable, we never slept on the strets, we've never starved, I graduated from a very expensive private school, and I'll soon be graduating from university, not me nor my brothers have murdered anyone, or robbed anyone or anything, we never experienced teen pregnancy. I've been provided with almost everything I wanted and they still feed me and give me shelter even if they don't have to. Heck! my mom still spoils me buying me McDonalds, clothes and other stuff.
This seems like the perfect family portrait, if that so, why do they make me feel so miserable?
My mother has a goddaughter, her mom is very poor (she cleans houses because she is from El Salvador and she never had any papers, so there's nothing else could do. She's been cleaning houses even before I was born I think), they never had a stable home and got kicked out of many houses already. They are now living in a room. Oh! did I mention that she has an older sister (which I think is the dumbest bitch is the world) who gave birth 2 daughters from 2 different men, and she's so dumb she didn't put the dad's names in the birth certification so she can't ask for child support and guess what...both of them forgot about her and left, oh! and guess what again, she's pregnant again! seriously, she incredibly stupid! but I am even more stupid for being one of these kids godfather, but by no means I will support a kid that is not mine, hell no! so there's 5 mouths to feed (and 1 yet to feed too) and no money, because her sister is not working, she didn't even finished high school.
Anyways I just wanted to explain how hard this girl's life is. She came to my house every sunday to ask for money for her school and to do homework on the computer (she's so poor she doesn't have a computer nor internet) but I saw her browsing facebook a lot. But 3 months ago she stopped comming home and we found out that she dropped school even though my mom told her to always finish her high school no matter what, no matter how poor she was.
She knew she messed up and appeared today. Anyways, when my mom got home, she started to tell her off her actions and reprimand her, but then my middle brother came into the picture and he started to yell at her (note I am not on her side), he said horrible things to her, like "you are not VIP in this house", "you are not welcome anymore", and many things that I wish I've never heard (he also used bad words). The poor girl couldn't even look at him in the eyes, but I just had to say something, and told him to shut the fuck up because he has no moral weight to tell her the things that he was telling her, when I intefiered my mom shut me up, and I told her that I was dissapointed on her, apparently that affected her, and I walked outside with my oldest brother and his girlfriend. When this idiot walked outside as well, I asked him who the hell he was to tell her all of those things and he used as an excuse that she left school, I asked back more things until he told "you know what? shut the fuck up faggot", I was standing there in silence and told him that he was inmature, everytime he someone's tell him his truth he respond violently.
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This rant is now deviated to him, he yelled at this girl when 8 hours before he was being dragged by his useless friends to his bed, I have no idea how do they got in my house, and they were saying out loud some bad taste and nasty things while everyone were sleeping but I heard everything, I wanted to tell my mom because he was using her car the night before when he wen to that party, but I don't want her to stress more than she is in her condition. Oh! BTW we recently find out that she has cancer, so this could be her last christmas if it didn't spread to other parts of her body. Another reason to be miserable. Anyways I wonder what the fuck they did last night.
This behaviour of his is not something new, he's drunk ass idiot who is always drinking and comming home very late flooding the whole room with alcoholic smell, He stank in alcohol this morning and he is now, because he is drinking and smoking again, There's no week end in when he comes home drunk, also he is manipulative, violent, vulgar, disgusting, lazy, arrogant, he's a parasite, he takes advantage of other people.
I remember he had a girlfriend 2 years ago, This girl was the best thing that happened to him EVER, she was incredibly beautiful, she has a great loving family, she has a fantastic job, always getting better and better, scalating to get better positions and that helped her to have fat paycheck, she also had a car (new she has a better one), and despite all the success he she had in her life, she reminded humble and down to earth.
She helped him to get his life back on track, she was in charge of his university subjects and protocols because he was a complete mess, she bought him EXPENSIVE gifts, and she was just a great addition to our family. But he was an asshole to her, he used her because she had his life organized, he used her car, when he didn't had money, he asked her because my dad refused to give him a penny. He constantly yelled at her saying very hurtful things to her, he mentally and physically abussed her, but she stood by his side and she even had serious intentions to marry him someday. Until one day she had enough and dumped him, now he realized that he stopped living like a king.
He is bad person overall, he's a bad influence to society, he's only nice to people when he wants something and when you tell him his truths or tell him NO, be prepared because he will tell you everything he trully thinks about you in the most vulgar and lowlife way ever, no matter who you are.
He's been using my clothes for years (even my fucking underwear), even if they don't fit him, though he doesn't do it anymore because he has a job now, which I think it's pathetic because he gets paid a misery. I have more things to say about him but I wouldn't finish this blog ever.
I don't want to say it, but I have day dreamed several times in how I would kill him with a knife, or how he would be shot to death at a party, but I know that I wouldn't act on it, unless he gets like really violent (which never happened) and my life depended on it. If he died tomorrow, my heart would find a bit of peace inside.
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I think my mom is really stupid for thinking that he can change, because she has been talking to him for many years, and he only gets worse as he gets older, he even made her cry once (she rarely cries) when he took her car and never returned when he had to get to work.
Even though she claims she loves me with all her heart I think she is the person who most damage has done to me throughout my whole life. She critiques everything and everyone. I remember when I was a kid, and she forbid me to talk to a friend of mine that I hang out with in the school bus because she thought he was gay, I mean, he was my best friend, how I could explain that to him? I pretended to be tired from clases and took naps during the bus ride back home.
Can you believe how traumatizing for a kid is to know that his mom is watching every step he gives and critizicing every moves he do? for me, it was.
She's always bothered by the way I talk, for my manerisms with my hands mostly and the clothing I like, funny thing is that anyone I known have noticed these "traits" of mine, and of course, for they way I behave, she thinks I'm weak and helpless and that the world would soon going to eat me alive and take advantage of me. She has been trying to change me for 22 years, and never got results and she never will, I am my own person and I will not change, much more if her reasons are very selfish, because she only cares about the image we portray to the outer world and pretending to be people we are not rather tahn be ourselves. She wants us to portray the role of model family to everyone out there, when in the inside we are just a piece of crap for family.
Nothing pleases her, nothing is enough for her, she is always complaining how we don't help her at home and she likes to use the "what are you gonna do when I die" thing to mentally punish me, actually she can die soon, so I guess these things she say now have a thrutfull effect, but really she enjoys dying. She recently told me "well I'm going to die soon so I won't bother you anymore", I so wanted to slap her face when she said that.
She's incredibly old fashioned, dramatic and closed minded, the fact that she's a nurse makes everything worse because she has to serve HIV and AIDS patients and she's just traumatized with them, she believes that I'm going to get HIV. I remember one time in where I got really sick with high fevers for several days, I had to take like 3 days off of work because of that, and she was freaking out because the fever won't stop that she thought that I had HIV or a STD.
She thinks that if I hold her door open, I'm more of a gentelman, she also thinks that women shouldn't do certain stuff because men MUST to do them for them. I think that logic is stupid.
She uses us as a weapon of how we (me, my father and my brothers) are slowly killing her piece by piece, and I'm starting to believe that she got her cancer out of the stress, because she's incredibly healthy and she eats "light". But I think that she's a drama queen that exaggerates about everything and gossip all her problems (meaning, us) to her all of her friends from work who don't have a life of their own.
My mom get on my nerves many times but I love (could it be?) and appreciate her more than anyone else in my family.
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Mt oldest brother is bipolar, not medical declared bipolar, but "by mouth" bipolar. He's usually very serious and bitter, but then out of nowhere, he starts to be annoying and stupid, meaning happy.
He believes he's superior to everyone and that everyone is stupid compared to him yet he calls himself humble. He treats everyone like his children and in the minimal mistake he tells you something hurtful, that includes his girlfriend, I don't care what do they do but my mom says that he mentally abuses her.
I have to say I'm not close to him at all, but it's not that I hate him, I'm just used to be around him.
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And finally my father. Actually I put both of my parents above my brothers, but they are older and they will die first (just my luck), actually he's the one I talk the most with at home, but we don't talk about some serious things, like dads and sons do. And if something bothers me, I wouldn't come to him to give me advice at all.
Actually for that alone, he fails as a parent. He's always been more of a providing father rather than a raising father. He also like to point out the guilty of something that was done wrong even if he did it, He is diabetic and has hypertension, yet he still eats everything he can, and he doesn't take care of himself at all, my mom is tired of his eating habits and she was always reminding him that he's going to die if he continues like this, but his idiotic answers as always "don't worry you will die first", now in my mom's condition that statement can become true.
Reasoning things with him is almost impossible it doesn't matter if I'm right I always lose, because it's my fault, end of the story. And something that really bothers me about him is that he treats you like an idiot when you do something and he doesn't like it, then he shows you how to do it "right" like you were mentally disabled, and after these things the bible tells me to honor my father and my mother. How I can do that, seriously.
I feel like I live with my roomates for 22 years long, not my family. I'm so used to be around them but that doesn't mean that I love them deeply. I loved my dog though.
I remember when I was in high school I had this friend which I often went to her house to make homework. I was blown away by how outgoing and nice her mom was, they talked like they were best friends and she interacted with us and remembered our names! I was jealous because I wouldn't never wanted any of my friends from school to come to my house to make homework, why my family couldn't be like that? I mean, I never trusted them, I never trusted anyone and I still do, whenever I had something that bothered me or a secret I wanted to share they were the last in my list I could come up to. My mom was the only one, and I don't even trust her, I want her far away from my personal things because I she would have something to critisize and I don't want her to mess with my stuff.
Also, I have 0 things in common with both of my brothers, seriously we don't share any interests and as older brothers to me, they both fails and if I never see any of them again I wouldn't be affected at all.
think I would be much better living on my own, no rules to follow, no stupid drama around, no negativity. I can be myself and do what I want without giving explanations to anyone, I feel like living them forever would be the initial key to pursue happyness.
Now Christmas is going to be very soon, and when the clock reaches 12 I have to pretend to be happy and tell merry Christmas to everyone when I much prefer to bury my face in my computer or spend time with some good friends rather than spend time with my family (that includes aunts, cousins, etc.). And as a son of God, this should be like the worst unforgivable sin a person should commit and I feel like crap for having these thoughts about my family, but after what I witnessed today, it made me re-analyze my whole life again and I came to the conclusion that I was never trully happy in my whole life. Yes, I may have a smile on my face all the time, there are memories I have that had made me happy, but I wonder if I was trully happy? like THAT happy and not the temporary happy... I know that very deep inside of me, I am not happy.
Do you know these people that says that I love my family so much that I would give my life for them? well, I can't say that for mine, I would't sacrifice myself for any of them and seriously I feel like a jerk, but it's how I feel about this misery
I even hate these forums as well, because they made me a computer introverted person, now I prefer internet people much more that RL people, I just can't function or breathe without my computer or my phone. I also find a loving community whom made me believe in myself again and draw and make artworks of ponies. They made me irresponsible because I prefered to be on here rather than work on my final subjects for university (I almost got kicked out of my final project) and work, using university as an excuse to not be so productive when in reality I was log in here.
I hate these forums because I have found love, I though I could touch the stars and but then reality hits and I fell hard to the ground I could feel the flames of hell.
I hate these forums because I also find the love of my friends, and many people than makes me happy, or less miserable and I can't even say to them, hey can we hang out next saturday? and I can't even hug them when they feel down, because I'm in another part of the world miles away, these things are affecting me harder each time as I grow attached to these forums, and the pain and impotence grows more as the times pases.
I also hate these forums because I rather post all of these emotions in the public eye in a forum blog about ponies than tell them how I trully feel.
So remember that if you are depressed because your dad beats your mom, or they abuse you or they are divorcing or whatever that happens in your family. Remember that visible "normal" looking families goes through the same pain you must feeling now, but just in a very diffrent way, like mine, they have their bad things, and remember that Motion Spark is member of one of these and that he's unhappy with the family that he got
Anyways Merry Christmas for all of you, I y'all and if you happen to have a trully loving and caring family, tell them that you love them, I may do the same, but it's not what i feel.
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