This is an official goodbye.
If you don't want to read all of the self pity and important stuff about my life, then please. Stop reading and skip to the last section.
(And please forgive the horrible structure of the this post, It's long, difficult to swallow, and I didn't really want to read through this kind of thing multiple times)
I know I've said I'd leave before, but I'd always remove the blog minutes after seeing it wasn't going to happen.
But this time, I don't plan on taking it down.
I had planned on taking my leave after my 2nd Forum Anniversary, but since that project I planned isn't possible for me to complete due to having no funds to replace my tablet. I have to shut it down.
I won't make the deadline, and I won't have those funds for a very long time.
So I thought I would address more than one sorry as there are many things I've done; I thought I'd apologize for each thing that came to mind.
I'm sorry for being a rude member.
I've never had a problem saying the first thing that comes to my mind, and many of you spite me for that. I've received enough snippy comments and horrible remarks to get the point.
I'm sorry I could never keep a single friend.
It's funny. I always used to think I could call myself loyalty. I've always been there for a friend, but I've never been able to keep one. I'll say something stupid and I'll leave. But now, I know I am not loyalty, I'm something else... whatever it may be.
I'm sorry I am too fragile.
I may seem gruff at times, but I assure you, someone can put the wrong emoticon, and I'll cry and just make a deal out of something that probably isn't there. I can't help it, I've done that my whole life, I've tried to cover that up, and it just... it's just there.
I'm sorry for lies.
I always seem to put a facade on and I can never seem to follow through.
And mostly I regret not being what people want.
And I won't sugar coat it, being here hasn't been some "great time in my life" like every other member seems to say. It's been hard, it's been heartbreaking, and I've watched the small little forum grow into a mosh pit of self pity and maltreatment. My time here has lead to more disappointment than I to go through in life that isn't required.
Sure I've had good times, sure I've met great people. But good times move by, and when bad ones become more frequent than good, it isn't worth keeping myself in a dark place over.
And yes, I know none of you remember me.
I changed my name, and took a long hiatus, so coming back a few months ago was extremely disappointing.
Something I've always disliked is how many handouts I've given.
I'd have enough money to replace my tablet with the easily close to 1000 hours of art I've so flippantly given away.
Art isn't free, and I can no longer make it free.
I don't make money at work.
I don't have enough money to continue living where I do.
And therefor, my art can no longer be a gift every single time.
I can't even begin to count the number of pieces that were called, "Favors".
Favors I know I won't have returned.
And no, I don't think art isn't meant to be shared, that isn't my point.
I literally am broke. And such a place can't be free anymore.
My dA never got much attention, my threads never did either. I don't suspect I'm a good artist, and I don't even think so myself. But have the decency to... well, I'm just going to stop there.
I can't have friends who want me.
My family doesn't want me. All I hear is what expectations I'm not living up to. Apparently a disappointment my mother and father that I'm not what they wanted. :/
I can't get a single college to accept me.
And I know, this post is exactly what I hate reading. I hate the self pity garbage I see every second on this forum. And I myself have made a few of those, regrettably. But I do believe as a last few words I am entitled to say what I feel.
I don't know where I am going to go after this.
I don't know what is left for me.
Today started terribly.
I woke up, and within 4 min. Someone had already said such a ridiculous and sarcastic comment about my FIRST comment I made for the day. (Which was agreeing to take a commission)
Yet, they were offended, when all I said was YES.
I removed all contact with them and people that know them.
And all day, I've been... running.
I've been depressed, I have been my whole life. But this last month I have hardly talked. I haven't eaten at all. I lost 12lbs in one week.
My panic attacks are worse, my heart isn't fairing for the better, nor my back.
I stay up for nights on end, and work full shifts every day for minimum wage and deal with people who just want to see my suffer.
I'm at the point where I just hope my body shuts down.
I hurt, and I just wish to be better.
*Takes a deep breath and sighs*
But hey. Don't expect me to leave on such a negative note.
I'm not positive, but I don't believe I should leave a negative last few words for the few of you who may actually read this.
The few of you I did get to know, I loved.
I know none of you talk to me any more, and I get it. But the times we did have were enjoyable.
You were the people that were closer to me than any human being has ever been.
And soon I became your greatest enemy.
I'd mention names, but none of you would ever see it. And only one of you is still on the forums anyways.
I can still remember my first RP.
I can still remember making some of you smile.
I can still remember all the good that has happened to me.
And I hope to walk out of here with those moments to hold onto.
I leave still a Brony, just one who doesn't feel he can handle the community anymore. And I hope all of you can keep it up, dealing with each other day in and day out. With all the annoyances and nuances. You are most certainly more determined and understanding than I have been.
I wished to leave with a picture, but I've already said that isn't possible. I may submit a drawing if I can one day. But by then most of you will be long gone, and the ones that see it won't understand the impact.
I will however re-post my last anniversary pic right here. This years was going to be much bigger, and much better due to well, obvious improvement in pony art skills. But the image captured is just as good, the feeling I've experienced with you guys.
Wherever life is taking me now, I don't know. Just know that you most certainly aren't forgotten.
And as my last doodle for here. Please, if you will. Accept this unfinished sketch as a gift.
My OC had changed a lot over the years, and it most certainly was shaped by this forum.
He's as much apart of me as he is to these forums and wouldn't even exist if I hadn't been here.
Thank you for these years~
I'll be floating around the forums only through tonight, if you are wanting to chat, now's the time to do it.