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Dimitri Hammer

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Blog Entries posted by Dimitri Hammer

  1. Dimitri Hammer
    I finished reading the book "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer, and I'm really touched. Chris McCandless was just a amazing man. I saw the movie before I read the book sadly, but I cried after watching the movie and reading the book. His views on the world might be considered crazy by some, but I completely agree with him. We're so materialistic and so fucking rude to each other. Humans are so cruel sometimes.
     
    I'm happy I live in Alaska. I visited the place where he passed away back in 1992. I visited the "Magic Bus" on the Stampede trail and I couldn't hold back my tears when I came across the bus. I can not even explain my feelings about it either. Chris reminds me of myself. His thoughts were like mine. He believed that happiness came from experiences and not mainly from human interaction and relationships.
     
    Chris changed his thinking though during his last hours on Earth. He wrote down "Happiness only real when shared" just before he died from starvation from eating a poisonous plant. I agree with him. I previously thought that human relationships were false and unneeded to be happy. Back from 2006-2009 I hated people, and felt how he did. I still think the world is too corrupt and evil, but I see the beauty in it too.
     
    I see that not every person is a vile being. We need relationships. I've only had real happiness when I shared it with my friends and loved ones. My brother, my late wife, and my friends. I am so happy I had them in my life. I don't know what I would do if I lost my close ones, but I just need to say that I love them intensely. I love them so much and I need them in my life. Sure I could survive in the wilderness too, but without the people I love and care about I'd be living a false life with false happiness.
     
    I love them all. My brother Roman, My late wife Aleksandra, My friends Dan, Jacob, and Steven. My mother, and my Эмма. I don't know what I would do if I lost anyone. I can't rely on them for all of my happiness, but I understand that I need them in my life because I love them all so much. Without relationships then what is real happiness?
     
    Chris McCandless was an idealist. He wasn't suicidal or crazy or selfish. He was misguided, and he tried to find happiness. He sadly realized happiness comes from relationships too late. I left flowers at the bus when I visited it. I plan to visit the bus often, because he deserves it. The people in my life care for me, and I intensely cherish them. All of their faults, quirkiness, and personalities. I love them, and I love all of you. That's all I can say.
  2. Dimitri Hammer
    I'm happy, and I know I feel happy and I'm loving my life. Yet I miss the past. I can't cope with loss and I can't seem to stay happy. I always revert to sadness and anger towards myself. I seem to push people away very often, and I feel so awful when I do it.
     
    I'm doing better now though. Seeing someone to help me and my brother and one true friend are very kind to stick by me and help me. Depression has run in my family for a while. My father had it, my great grandfather had it, and my mother has it.
     
    I'd like to live like how my grandfather Sergei lived. He lost his friends in both world wars, and he retained his happiness. He always cried when he talked about his friends and the concentration camps, but he always told me that I should never give up in life. I shouldn't let it get the better of me. I let it get the better of me when my wife passed away. I'll never forget her, and I'll never lose the sadness I have in that moment when she died in my arms.
     
    But I have to be optimistic. I have to beat my depression. I think I have too. I feel much better after talking it out with close friends and family. I feel better. I just got needy and obsessive about people and friends because I can't handle losing anyone. I don't like it because it reminds me of the pain I felt when I lost my wife. Is hard to explain and understand especially if you have never lost anyone you love more than life itself.
     
    I was willing to die for my wife. Willing to do anything for her, and losing her destroyed me. It all broke apart and I became sullen and angry. Did things I regret. I came out of two years of anger, and then became depressive. I found happiness in 2012 for the first time though, and then I started to recede into depression again.
     
    I feel better now though. I feel fantastic and I can't find a reason to be sad anymore. Only one thing is keeping me sad that is happening in 2013 and I'm hoping to resolve that soon
     
    But for right now, I'm feeling good. I've come to terms with my wife's untimely passing. I'll never lose the sadness for that moment and I'll never forget her, but I will move on and understand she's still looking over me. She wouldn't want me to kill myself or be depressed. My grandfather loved me and he wouldn't want that either. I am feeling good. I am starting to lose the obsessive nature I had. I just need to fix two things and I'll be really happy.
     
    Dammit I'm happy! Stopped smoking, cut back on my drinking and I'm becoming a godfather too! One of my friends is having another child. Just need to fix two things! TWO THINGS! Then I'll really be happy. I love this place. You all are really great, and some of you helped me through my depression. Well I'd like to thank those of you who have helped me.
     
    Now, I must finish my small glass of scotch and listen to Fluttershy
  3. Dimitri Hammer
    Now, I love space. I love it as much as I love history. Is up there among my list of loved things. All being my wife, history, my brother, Эмма, and my friends. Enough about my life, I'll talk about that later. This...this is time for my review of a fantastic simulator. Created by a Russian man too! Vladimir Romanyuk. Sounds familiar to me, but I highly doubt I know this man
     
    Well back to the review. Space Engine isn't really a game, but is a simulator. A extremely fun simulator in which you can view all types of celestial bodies in the entire universe. You start off by Earth and from there you can go anywhere. And I mean anywhere in the whole entire damn universe. You can land on planets, and get all the information we know about them. Click on the planet Mars for example, and you'll get all the information about it. The orbital motion of planets and stars is calculated in real time, with the ability to increase, decrease, or rewind the flow of time!
     
    Core temp, core makeup, speed of this and that. So much cool science information. You can zoom, like in Star Wars, to any body in space. See a cool star while you're near Pluto? Click on it and you can pick the speed in which you zoom to it. Like hyperdrive in the Millennium falcon. (Sorry if I got any Star Wars info wrong. I not seen it many times.)
     
    Visit all types of celestial objects. Planets, moons, asteroids, stars, star clusters, nebulae and galaxies. Known celestial objects are represented too. Want to see the binary system of Sirius (North Star)? Type it in, and ZOOM! You're seeing what you'd actually see according to our collected information.
     
    We don't know everything in the universe though. So when you find things that we haven't seen in real life they're procedurally generated. Procedurally generated!!!! You can find planets and moons and other bodies like nothing we've seen! Landscapes of planets and stars. For uncharted exo-planets the surface is generated procedurally just like the known planets. You can land on planets and go into the atmosphere. It's beautifully gorgeous
     
    There's controlable spaceships too. Controllable...spaceships....
     
    FLY TO PLANETS AND OTHER BODIES. I'm getting too excited...sorry...is for Windows only at the moment and is completely free. Being updated a lot, with the ability to mod it and stuff. I don't know modding though
     
    Just look at the beautiful things you can see. First I'll show you real planets and then uncharted, procedurally generated, exoplanets you can visit. I'm not a awesome youtube person, but if you want to see a good show off of gameplay go look at Kurt's videos. Youtube kurtjmac. He is awesome and awkward. Love him.
     
    kurtjmac:
    is a video....watch after you look at my pictures and review. Or not
     
    Real planets:
     
     
     
    Exolplanets:
     
     
     
  4. Dimitri Hammer
    I am doing game reviews? The inept at technology, traditional living, Soviet man? Answer: Yes, yes I am.
     

     
    I recently saw a game being played on the youtube. I don't normally go on there, but my friend was showing me videos and he let me look around at other videos. I saw a trailer of this game called "Papers, Please" and it looked really interesting. A game about being an immigrant inspector at the border of a dystopian country. Obvious a reference to the USSR...where I was born
     
    This game is a beta, which means is still being developed. (You probably already know that, but give me a break...this technology stuff is new to me ) I downloaded the free beta on my friend's desktop computer, with his permission of course. It is completely free, and safe to download and play on Mac or Windows.
     
    I have played about three hours total of the beta. Sadly it ends after day nine. So, I've just been repeating it over and over again. The gameplay is monotonous and mundane, but extremely interesting and requires careful thinking. As a immigrant inspector the protagonist, you, must take passports and check them for discrepancies.
     
    For example: If the person giving the passport looks like a man and is named "Roman Furkov" but his passport says he is a woman. That's a denial, or you could let him/her through. Letting him/her through would give a warning from the country saying that he/she should've been denied entry.
     
    You get two warnings for messing up. After the third time you get a penalty. Now there's a "meta-game" in all of this. How do I know that word? Is because of my friend...don't laugh...now back to the topic. You have to earn money at your job to feed your family. Your son, wife, uncle, and mother-in-law. You must get money to pay for heating, food and rent.
     
    The game gets increasingly tougher as you progress the days. At first you just reject non-natives. Then you can allow foreigners in, and after that they require several different papers. Working papers, work passes, and entry forms. People are always trying to illegally enter the country.
     

     
    People have wrong names on their passport compared to their other forms, and at first you just deny them entry, but later you give them fingerprint tests to confirm of they changed their names or hav aliases. Their pictures could be outdated, or not even close to the real person. It is under a stream greenlight. I'm sure most of you know what that is
     
    All, and all. I love this game. For a beta I give it 10/10. It really depends on the person you are. The game might seem mundane, but that is on purpose. It's very fun, and my words don't give it justice. Go get the free beta if you want to see more. I also love the music...
     
    All rights to this game are to the creator Lucas Pope. A very cool man!!
     
    Link to obtain: http://dukope.com/
  7. Dimitri Hammer
    I'm 90% positive that I'm going to be leaving America soon. Preferably a vacation for a week or two at first, but I might stay in Europe if I am really dedicated to it. I really, really want to go back to Europe. A vacation in France, Germany, or maybe Italy and then back to Russia, but not my hometown or my home city.
     
    I don't know exactly when I'll be leaving, but I definitely want to this year. Hopefully near my birthday in November I want to leave. Bring my brother and my close friend (If he is well enough) and spend several weeks in Europe. Then pay for them to go back to Alaska while I stay in Europe.
     
    Maybe I'll stay in Volgograd where my Uncle and Mother live. I love my brother and friends here, but they're too good for me. Too much partying, and alcohol consumption from them. They're all great people, wonderful and amazing beings, but I'm no good here. I'd love to just go live in the city of Volgograd or maybe 112 kilometers away from the city.
     
    Get myself a extremely small house, or maybe I'll go far northeast and live in Siberia. Live there off the surrounding area until I die, because I'm no good for my friends and brother here in Alaska. Sure, they love me and always say that without me they'd be depressed and possibly dead. I'm sure that's not true, but I appreciate the gesture.
     
    I'm not depressed or anything. I just think it'd be better if I live in Europe again. Preferably Russia. But if not, then it'd be just a vacation with my brother and close friend. If I stay I won't be using the computer anymore or any Internet. So I'll be saying goodbye if I decide to stay, and if I do.....I, for one, can say that I've loved and cherished my time on here and I've met so many amazing people. You're all such great, great people and I love all of you very much.
     
    But, I'm a indecisive man at the moment. Knowing me, I probably won't stay in Russia, but if I do I just want to say I love you all and greatly loved it here so much.
  8. Dimitri Hammer

    Engaged :D

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    Been a long time in my life since an engagement happened, and of course I mean the romantic one
     
    One of my good friends recently got engaged to a woman he's been dating for about four years. I'm extremely happy for him. Is funny how at least more than half of my friends have someone in their lives. Can't mope about myself though, because that's extremely selfish.
     
    I'm just really happy for my friend, and my other friends who are married. Only people who aren't married or engaged yet are my closest friend and my brother. Losing single people to hang out with
     
    Nonetheless, they're getting married in early June. I can't go, because I'll be horridly preoccupied. Also, they want to marry in Hawaii...I dislike it there. Too warm sometimes.
  10. Dimitri Hammer
    Do you know of Lord Alfred Tennyson? If not maybe you know his famous quote from his poem "In Memoriam A.H.H."
     
    "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
     
     
    Essentially it is saying that love is such an important experience that even the pain of losing someone you love is better than not having loved that person at all. It's an idiom used by many people, and, in my personal opinion, I disagree with what this quote states.
     
    Love is such a fantastic emotion. So immensely large and powerful that finding words to describe it can be hard. Death is an awful event, especially when it is tragic or otherwise unexpected and sudden. I disagree with Tennyson because, in my opinion, the pain of losing a loved one is something that overtakes the previous notion of love.
     
    I loved my wife. I truly can't use words to say how much I loved her. Her death changed me. That pain haunts me everyday and I can't lose it. I will forever love my wife, but I think that never having met her and not falling in love with her would've been the better option. Losing her love is not better. I have debated this constantly and I know that life, at least for her, would've been better without me in it.
     
    I'd have rather never found love than having my true love taken from me so tragically. It seems like a pessimistic view on it, but I won't change my opinion on this. Though I love her with so much of my being I still feel that not having even known her would've been better.
     
    I knew I loved her since I first saw her. Being with her was a feeling of pure amazement. I can't describe it still. This is my take on this quote. Is it right? No, because thousands of people have analyzed this quote and came to their own conclusions on it.
     
    My take is from personal experience. Yeah, it's depressive because of what happened to me and rather biased because of my experience, but that's my take on it...
  11. Dimitri Hammer
    Not the greatest news. News I really didn't want to recieve at all too, but it happened anyway.
     
    My father passed away several hours ago. Saturday, April 6th, 2013 at 1:50 AM.
     
    Mother called me up about an hour ago. I'm surprised she's not a wreck like I am. I never got along with my father. He was a conservative Russian man. He was violent and strict, and a little abusive. I still cared for him though and knowing that he died so young, at the age of 69, is pretty heartbreaking. I called my brother up and he sounded indifferent to the situation.
     
    They never got along. Is why my brother left Russia right when he was eighteen. Changed his first name too. I disliked my father, but no one deserves to die. I cared for him of course, but the things he did during his life can't be immediately forgotten about. I'm still contemplating leaving the country to go back to Russia, but I don't think I can for many personal reasons.
     
    It hurts knowing he is no longer with us. I can't compare this to how I felt when my wife passed away though. Losing her hurt more. It was horrid how much pain I felt. Though it doesn't hurt as much as when my wife passed I'm still really upset about this whole ordeal.
     
    I probably won't be here for a while. Could be a couple days, or a week depending on how I'm feeling. Brother can't comfort me knowing how much he hated our father. Several of my friends are away on vacation, my mother said she needed some time alone as well. Don't really know who I can turn to in this situation, but I'll figure it out soon enough.
  12. Dimitri Hammer
    Well, I've finally decided to get a video of me. One where I'm talking about Fluttershy or showing my house off? Nah, one where I perform a dance with my shirt off because I feel like doing so.
     
    If you're weak of heart I'd suggest you leave. If you have trouble looking at the male body, I suggest you leave. If you're scared, then I suggest you run.
     
     
     
  13. Dimitri Hammer
    What...? What'd I say?
     
    I don't know, I didn't sleep well last night so I'm a little air headed now
     
     
     
    I should review things, because my opinion matters. I'm literally better than everyone on here, so.....yeah... (Psst....It's sarcasm)
     
    In all honesty I wouldn't mind giving my extended and I'm pretty sure pointless opinions on certain things. Preferably literature and the arts, though I wouldn't mind switching it up and talking aimlessly about anything else. Hey, I'm from the USSR (Ooh scary) and a Soviet Eastern sense of opinion wouldn't hurt, right? Besides, I'm horrible with technology so it'd be rather funny if I talked about video games
     
     
     
    Hmmm I would probably review something for this blog since the title implies it....umm...ahh...
     

    nevermind...
  14. Dimitri Hammer
    My friend Nick has bought plane tickets for me and him to go to France.
     
    He has guilted me into accepting, since he can't return the tickets for a refund. I mean, France is a great place but I didn't want to go on a vacation at all. He is probably doing this for a chance to see if he can win me over. Sounds strange, but he's been wanting me in that certain way for a while now.
     
    Apparently he can't grasp the concept that I'm straight, but going to France will be hopefully fun. I was there for a short time back in 1924 on business. I know some people in Bordeaux and we'll be there and in Paris for two weeks.
     
    So, in a month I'll be leaving.
  15. Dimitri Hammer
    My brother, the alcoholic, partying, addictive personality of a man, told me over the phone yesterday that he found his dream girl. Told me he wants to marry this woman, and personally I feel like he's just joking with me. He's in his thirties and I've known him all my life obviously.
     
    There's almost no way he'd fall in love with a girl here in Alaska. He knows almost everyone in the town we live in and I haven't seen him be in real love. He's the kind of guy who is what the Americans call a "douche-bag" I guess you could say.
     
    I really don't want to say exactly what he does, but he's a sexual deviant let us say. Like a young idiotic college frat boy. Beer and women for him. That's why I severely doubt what he says. If it's true though it'd be rather interesting and I'd be happy for him. I haven't met the woman, and I don't know who she is.
     
    I hope this isn't a case where she is tricking him, or my brother is doing this for some stupid reason. He's become Americanized like crazy since moving here. He hasn't retained any of his original culture from Russia. I doubt love is even sacred to him like it is to me.
     
    Americans confuse me sometimes. I'll be meeting my brother's "perfect woman" on Sunday when we all get together at my friend's house for a big meal.
     
    Hopefully this goes good. I would rather it be either really true or a joke. I can't deal with this turning out bad for my brother. There's several things that could be true: He's joking, he's serious, this woman is tricking him, or he is marrying for a certain reason besides love.
     
    Boy, this'll be a fun weekend for me. Makes me wonder if I should even consider love sacred anymore seeing how it's treated in the 20th and 21st centuries. Well, whatever the case is I hope it turns out good.
  16. Dimitri Hammer

    Monotonous

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    My life has has become a routine. Some days I go do something, but I can't very often because I can't leave my friend alone for a long period of time. I honestly don't mind helping him recover from his injuries, and watching movies with him is always fun.
     
    But I can't help but feel that doing this has given me the realization that my life is boring. Is not my friend's fault at all. It just makes me remember the past more. Though the life I'm living now is much more stable than the past, and much more safe and enjoyable. It is still rather monotonous.
     
    And now that I really think about it, I like my monotonous lifestyle. I say that I'm bored, but I always have fun everyday. I enjoy being with my friend because it's always hilarious talking about movies. I still have time to do things. I still do my hobbies and go on these forums. Why am I complaining? Well I guess I'm not anymore
     
    My opinion just changed after writing this out. How funny. Probably the worst part is just the heartache I get and the random moments when I get depressive about the past, but that doesn't last very long. I'm pretty happy I guess. Not as happy as I could've been, but I'm comfortable with my life now somewhat.
     
    I have zero reason to complain. My life has gotten exponentially better the past several years and I shouldn't complain at all. The only thing I have the right to be sad about is my wife. Her passing is the only thing that I'm allowed to be upset about and realize my life will never be 100% full. But hey, 50% is better than being dead or something.
     
    Yeah, I'm happy. I got tremendous friends, a great brother, an awesome forums, and someone I love.....So shut-up Dimitri, stop complaining
  17. Dimitri Hammer
    I've read countless classic novels, and I've written several essays, lectures and short stories in my days.
     
    So I thought to myself. "Hey, maybe I should try and create an actual story about my OC Dimitri." I'm not being over confidant or bragging at all. Everything I've written has been in Russian, and reading tons of classics doesn't make me an expert at this....
     
    I might as well try. I've been a little obsessed with the idea of Dimitri using dark magic and being corrupted from his usual self. I thought that it would be pretty cool, in my opinion I guess, to write a story about it. I haven't really gotten far yet, but I have the idea in my mind.
     
    Fluttershy gets taken and Dimitri gets into a depressive frenzy trying to find her. Eventually it seems hopeless to everyone around him, but he keeps trying and trying. But, somehow (I don't know how or who shows him) Dimitri finds solace in the dark magic. He discovers the immense power brought on upon it.
     
    Dimitri doesn't use magic often. He never a uses it. You'd probably be surprised to know Dimitri is a unicorn
     
    He constantly hides it. Ashamed of it. He thinks his parents deaths were caused by it. His homeland was bigoted and despised magic. Lets just say it was like the pograms of Russia in the 18th and 19th centuries. Very aggressive. If you want to know more, and I doubt you do , just ask me for more info.
     
    Dimitri finally gives in to the magic and decides to use it. At first he can control it excellently and realizes how powerful it makes him. Then he starts to become corrupted as he searches still for his love.
     
     
    I already have drawing of him
     
  18. Dimitri Hammer

    Immense Hatred

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    Here I go again... -_-
     
     
    Is hate something that can be in a complete and pure form? Can a person hate another being with such firm feelings of disgust?
     
    I believe so. I've felt such feelings under the influence of a wave of depression then hollowness that followed suit after December of 2006. I might have had my outlook on life changed by what happened to me. I'm sure anyone in my shoes would feel exactly the same. I mean, of course they would. You'd have to be extremely strong to not hate.
     
    I bring up my wife a lot, and I guess I'm doing it again. After she passed away I felt measureless sadness and then complete anger and then void of emotion. I've said this before, but I became a different person. Normal me was consciously in the back of my mind while this "new me" I guess you could call it took over. I hated everyone and everything in the world. I gave up God and religion (Weird for a Communist to believe in religion, but I'm not the conventional one I guess. I like my religion a little bit) and I just gave up entirely.
     
    Murder is a horrid thing to happen to anyone. I never thought it would affect me, but things happen that are unexpected and sudden. First few weeks after my wife's death I was inconsolable and in a state of extensive depression. Then I felt hatred. Towards her killer, towards my parents (My father never consoled me after this event and was neutral to the whole thing) towards people in general, and towards myself.
     
    I thought of thousands of senarios that could have come to fruition. So many possibilities if I just stayed home that night instead of going out. Maybe if I died it would've been better. Things such as that. Then came a new feeling. I couldn't feel. I was numb and hollow. Pain was nothing to me at that stage. I did some foul, and horrendous things in the years following my wife's death. I regret every second of it. December of 2006 until Summer of 2008.
     
    Regret it all. Hurt people, and enjoyed every second of it while I was doing it. Thought that everyone deserved pain after what I went through. Now I look back and realize how much of an inhuman monster I was. Makes me disgusted with myself. I'm too smart to have done it, but I did. People lose loved ones all the time and don't react like I did. I went overboard for years. I just loved my wife too much to bear with her being gone.
     
     
    I still despise the person who took my wife and I'll never lose that hatred for them, but I've come to a conclusion of the matter. Anything done to the person wouldn't give me my old life back. Kill, prison, maim..whatever. It wouldn't make me feel any better. Maybe for a few weeks afterwards but not in the long run. Can't do anything about it now. Have to accept it.
     
    I'm much better now. Trying to improve upon my life everyday. Trying to perform good deeds. Not to sanctify my soul, but to preserve others. Maybe if I help someone they'll not have to go through difficulty. I would make their life easier for a short time. I did that for a while, and now I'm just a somewhat recluse. I have few friends that I spend time with, but in public I like to avoid interactions as much as possible now. Unless is necessary then I'm fine with it.
  19. Dimitri Hammer
    Hey, me again
     
    Well, this time I rant idiotically about happiness. What makes me happy? Few things nowadays actually. Before the most tragic thing in my life happened my wife was the thing that made me happy. When I was sad she cheered me up immensely.
     
    Just by looking at her smile it cheered me up. Seeing her pearly teeth shine, I remember the dimples on her face too...I'll never forget how she smiled at me. I'll never forget her.
     
    Now though, lets skip two years after my wife passed away and after the bad things I did. Nothing made me happy. I was void of emotions except for depression. Nothing could make me happy. I thought nothing would ever make me happy ever again. I moved to America in 2009 to help my brother with his Cancer.
     
    After I found out about him I couldn't stay in Russia. No one else would help him and he needed someone. Last time I saw him was in 1997 just before he emigrated to the states. He is a good soul, a drunk partying maniac but a trustworthy older brother.
     
    He learned about my wife when I moved there. He comforted me, and cheered me up a little. I was still devastated over losing my soulmate. I met my great friend Dan a little while after I was living in Alaska with my brother. I saved him from being shot and we became good friends. He really helped me become happy.
     
    My brother, my friend Dan, MLP forums, guns, nature, memories of my wife, history, space, communism, and working out really are the things that make me happy now. One person really cheers me up though. Makes me the happiest I've been since 2006. My very, very good friend Эмма (Sparkity)
     
    Эмма has really been a great friend. One of the greatest people I've talked to in my life. Very kind to me, understanding, and caring. He cares about me, and I really appreciate that. I've told him things I have never told anyone. Things I haven't told my brother even.
     
    I love him very much and care about him very much. We might be almost complete opposites. We live in different places, but he is an amazing friend and my best friend and I'm honored to even know him.
     
     
    Why did I say all this? To show that I'm not depressed anymore. I am still upset over many things in my life and things Ive done and I don't know if I'll ever get over it, but I am happy now.
  20. Dimitri Hammer
    Now, I'm talking about real love. True love. Something that is the feeling for another human being with such great romantic, happy, protective, feelings.
     
    Is it achievable? I believe so, I know so. My wife was my soulmate. She was a wonderful, angelic soul. Able to know that I am not perfect and have flaws. She accepted my flaws and considered me perfect for having them. I can safely say that I have experienced the truest love. I wanted to spend my whole life with her, but she was taken from me before I could even marry her. We were just engaged for three months...
     
    Have I felt feelings like that since? I'd say yes again. Will I ever obtain what I had with my wife with another? I say no on this one. She loved me, and I know I am loved by many in life but not like my wife loved me. I'd love to have it, but it is uncontainable to me because no one can love me like she did in such a romantic way.
     
    And I'm not talking about anything sexual at all
    I'm talking about real love.
     
     
     
    Boy, I just can't talk on anymore....
  21. Dimitri Hammer
    This website: http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html
     
    Is just fantastic. When I'm bored or depressed about...everything because I'm like that...I enjoy looking at all of the pictures on this site. History is my number one subject, but space and astronomy also interest me greatly.
     
    Every day a new picture is added along with a great description and several links to pertaining articles or videos. Since I get depressed so often I find myself on this site a lot. This is one of my many pleasures in life.
     
    My brother, my friend, my dog, MLP Forums, my library of classics, History, physical fitness, Astronomy, and Эмма are the only things and people that make me happy anymore and I'm glad I have all of them. If I lost anything or anyone from this list, I'd become more depressed now than ever. Losing one single thing from this list and I'd spiral into a depression I probably wouldn't be able to get out of.
     
    Thankfully they're all here to stay and most are here to help me. Love you guys
  22. Dimitri Hammer
    Well, past two days I've been feeling God-Awful. I've been hit with a big depression I guess.
     
    When this happens it usually doesn't last long or hurt all that much, but I feel just horrid this time. So much sadness, is very weird. Hurts really bad this time. Not much in my life has really been wonderful. I have had many bad events happen in my short life. My life seems filled with awful things.
     
    Weirdest part is, every time I try to kill myself it doesn't work. Since came to America I put a revolver to my head and pulled the trigger once and the bullet didn't go off. It wasn't a dud either, I fired the same bullet the next day at some targets. I close my eyes and walk in the woods surrounding my house hoping to fall off a cliff or trip and smack my head against a rock, but that never happens either. I jumped off a waterfall once with rocks below too, but that obviously didn't work. These things happened to me years ago. Back in 2010 to late 2011. Not even in Russia either. I tried to make myself overdose on pills after my wife died and I had the right dosage but nothing happened.
     
    Recently I was walking in the road a few days ago on pure accident. It was really snowy, and I thought I was on a game trail. I was walking on the road actually, dirt road and my brother nearly ran me over. Centimeters away from hitting me he stopped. I am highly confused by these incidences.
     
    Why can't I die? I've been shot and stabbed, even attacked by a wild animal and I haven't died. It's a curse, my life is terrible and I can't end it.
     
     
    Not that I even want to die though. I don't want to die, but it seems I can't do it myself. What is this? I just don't understand why. Not like I'm happy now though, I'm pretty depressed right now. Hate this feeling.
  24. Dimitri Hammer
    The mind is a fantastic thing. How it works is fascinating. Intelligence, rational thinking, memory, motor functions, it's all so interesting.
     
    I mean, I have no idea how I manage to stay sane. It's probably the alcohol....but I doubt that. Strong will power is something I don't really have especially when it comes to emotions. I might be smart, not bragging at all, sure I went to college young and have my doctorate but who really cares. I'm still screwed up in the head.
     
    Can one retain their mental stability and somehow also manage to not fall into a deep depression after a tragic incident has happened to them or they just look at life? I'm sure that's possible and I'm sure many people are very good at that. I just happen to not be one of those people.
     
    So many intelligent people have had flaws. Tiny flaws, or large flaws but it doesn't matter. Look at Einstein or Hemmingway or Van Gogh. All geniuses in their own fields, but each were afflicted with something that made them not "normal"
     
    I have read and studied many historic geniuses, but I just love Van Gogh. He was a fantastic artist, my favorite artist. He didn't make much money, he ended up killing himself. I know many will say he was "murdered" but I truly believe he committed suicide. He was a complex being, and one that was taken from us in such a short time.
     
    He had some mental problems, especially with depression. Reminds me of myself, only I'm not even a fraction of the artist he was. He never did the things I did either though. We've handled depression in different ways. He ended his life and I did awful things, and tried to end my life several times. I was too afraid to do it and one time miraculously it just didn't work.
     
     
    Fascinating how I'm not completely driven insane though. I just don't get it...
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Long story short, I'm leaving for a good while. I've done some moronic things, and I just can't seem to keep my past from creeping back up on me. I act like a fool, I drink, the way I'm acting I will probably start smoking again. But I'm leaving, maybe for a week maybe forever I don't know.
     
    It was fun while it lasted, I've saved money up for a plane ticket back to my home. I doubt I'll leave, but maybe my depression will get really bad and if it does then I have no choice but to go back to Russia. So I'll be back in seven days or never. Depends on how my idiotic brain decides to handle things.
     
    I'm not trying to make this a big deal, I just want to say my goodbyes just in case I leave and decide to kill myself or something. I know that sounds stupid. I really don't want to kill myself, but my depression sometimes gets the better of me. With all the, excuse my language, shit that has happened to me I just can't decide if life is worth it anymore....I bet my brother will try and cheer me up these next couple of days.
     
    Well, as I said: Leaving forever, or maybe just a couple days. I don't know, my mind is strange.
     
    Love all of you, I hope you all stay good. Hope this place keeps progressing. Прощайте товарищи.
  25. Dimitri Hammer
    I am fascinated with wordplay. I love all forms of literature and I love the classics. (The Illid, The Republic, Capitalism, Shakespeare, Hawthorne, Wells, Clemens (Mark Twain) )
     
    I'm no scholar in it though. I've read and understood and loved the books, but I can't create anything as epic and well thought out.
     
    I'm not great at it in Russian or English, but I thought I'd give it a try. I've translated it into English from my original one.
     
    Don't expect anything great. In fact I think it's awful...
     
     
     
    "Life has been shrouded with the cloak of death.
    The grip on purity has been ripped away by vile hands.
    Slaughtered by impure deformities of the human soul.
     
    At first...Depression rises, slowly eating away at your psyche.
    Then comes the hollowness.
    A new being is born from your scorn.
     
    You are there, but not in control.
    "It" demands retribution.
    "It" seeks to punish any, and all, that stand in the way.
     
    Inhuman.
    Believing it seeks justice, "It" does nothing but cause more pain.
    Nothing and no one is innocent."
     
     
    That's just....bad...
     
    I think I'll stick to my love of History and politics (to an extent...)
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