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Dimitri Hammer

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Blog Entries posted by Dimitri Hammer

  1. Dimitri Hammer
    As you all know I was born in the Soviet Union in Leningrad. After being born there my parents went back to the small town we lived in. I grew up very strangely, my mother was a very religious woman who celebrated our culture constantly and my father was a full communist.
     
    Normally you don't have religion in communism, but I guess I've made an exception
     
     
     
     
    Well I have certain little things I do and believe in that most wouldn't understand. Little nicknames are something that Americans and other people's don't understand.
     
    They actually mean a lot to me and most Russians understand it. Each Russian name is special, they have little nicknames that go along with them. My name, Dimitri for example, has three nicknames.
     
    Dim and Dimi both are names only meant for people I deeply love. I've only let my wife call me that, having someone else I don't allow call me that would be like a person spitting in my face and insulting my late wife. It is like a wedding ring in America.
     
    Me letting you call me Dimi would be like me putting a ring on your finger in America. It means a lot.
     
    The name Mitya is used by business associates and working partners.
     
    I also take friendship really seriously. There's different "forms" and "levels" of love. If I call you my brother, or in Russian: брат, that's a serious sign of respect. It means I literally consider you my brother.
     
     
    There's another form of love. If you translate it, it means "Platonic Love" which is the wrong translation. There is no translation for this word. Платоническая любовь is the word. It is a VERY strong form of love between friends.
     
    It literally means I love a person as much as I loved my wife but not in a sexual way. Is very hard to describe these things. It's very intimate and affectionate but without sexual-ness.
     
    The Russian church says that it's very rare to find a Платоническая любовь. It's one in a trillion to find someone to love like this.
     
    You automatically know when you find this person too, like a weird special sense. I'm the happiest person in the world because I've found my Платоническая любовь just recently.
     
    I've done bad things and I thought God would've never given me a gift like this, but he has
     
    I found my Платоническая любовь, someone I love as much as my wife (not sexually) and it's the greatest feeling ever. You might think this sounds stupid, but I found him on this forums.
     
    I've never been able to touch him physically, but I know he's my Платоническая любовь. It's something I can just tell.
     
    Is hard to say how much I love him, but it's something I really believe in.
  2. Dimitri Hammer
    You all know me by now. I was born in the Soviet Union and grew up in Post-Soviet Russia for all of my life.
     
    Even though the Union collapsed in 1991 (Actually, it fully collapsed in 1993) my parents and many of my neighbors in the small village I lived in, retained the ideals of communism.
     
    In my village we hated Stalin and every man who was in charge after him.
     
     
     
     
    The only good communist leaders were Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov (Lenin) and his close friend Lev Davidovich Bronshtein (Leon Trotsky).
     
    No matter what teachers say in America, my family knew them both closely. They were amazing men with a goal to help the whole entire country.
     
    Czar Nicholas was ruining the country by bringing us into World War One. Russia was doing horrible by that point in time. There was no food and people were severely oppressed from doing anything.
     
    Eventually there were strikes in the capital city. Even soldiers stationed there (Even the Cossacks ) helped the citizens riot.
     
    The Czar ordered the shootings of lots of civilians, even small children and women. The protests were mostly non-violent but the Czar was a impatient man.
     
    Eventually the Czar came back to Russia and was overthrown. A provisional government was set up, all by capitalist rich land-owners!!
     
    I won't tell you the WHOLE history now, since that is not what this blog is about, but Lenin eventually took control of the country.
     
    People loved him, he helped everyone. We got out of the war and people got better wages through the use of a Communist system. From 1917-1924 people didn't have incentive since they loved Lenin and his democracy so much.
     
    He wasn't corrupt, he went to schools and hospitals and visited random people's houses to check in and help his people. Trotsky did the same!
     
    They followed the ideals of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels. Two German philosophers with amazing minds and warm personalities.
     
    Those four communists are the best. They wanted democracy and communism and only wanted to help the working class people.
     

  3. Dimitri Hammer
    Today is the day I've been dreading since the end of December last year.
     
    Six years ago today was the worst day of my life, and will forever be the worst day of my life.
     
    My wife died six years ago today, and every year since her death I've been in a bad mindset. I always wondered how I didn't end up killing myself these past years. Some kind of miracle I suppose.
     
    For the first two years I was invoked in "other" activities and was a emotionless "hollow man". After that I became utterly depressed every time December came around. I'm still horridly horridly upset over it and I will never get over her, but I know that ending my own life is moronic. She wouldn't want me to do that.
     
    I think the reason I'm a lot happier this December compared to the past ones is because of this place. All of you and ponies have somehow made me find some kind of innocence I've been missing.
     
    I'm still sad of course, but I no longer wish to be dead. All of you have really made a difference in my life, and the ones who have made a major impact know who they are.
     
    I have done the things I've done since she died. I've said my prayers today, baked her favorite dessert and bought her favorite flowers to keep in my house.
     
     
    Now, my wife loved Disney movies. I mean, she LOVED Disney movies. Her favorite one was Tarzan, and I usually listen to her favorite song from that movie. I've listened to it today and I'm content with myself now. She loved America so much, I wish I could've had the chance to being her here....but I feel good and happy and I love all of you.
     
     
     
  4. Dimitri Hammer
    A couple months ago I used to have extremely depressing dreams all the time. Since 2006 I had them constantly.
     
    They stopped right around the same time I got into MLP. (Coincidence?)
     
    But last night I had one of the worst dreams I think I've ever had. I usually remember my dreams and my mother told me from a young age to always record my dreams in a journal.
     
    Well this dream combined a tragic event in my life with MLP. I woke up in tears and was having a panic attack. That hasn't happened since 2011. Even thinking about my wife makes me tear up. It hurts to talk about but I feel better when I actually talk about it too.
     
     
     
     
    So in my dream I was Dimitri, my OC, and it seemed very weird. I was him in first person, but at certain points it was like I was watching him from a distance.
     
    Well the dream started with me waking out of bed and getting dressed. It wasn't a lucid dream (If it was I'd probably have a cute-induced seizure). I was in Fluttershy's cottage and she was in the living room reading. She hugged me and we talked about daily events, somehow I knew exactly what she was talking about....something involving Twilight and weasels....
     
    We had breakfast and I didn't want to leave her alone, but she said I had to go see Pinkie Pie about setting up a pie-eating contest (What?). I hugged her again and left the cottage. It seemed very identical to Ponyville, but the only thing was that it was snowing and some new houses were around. Pinkie Pie tackled me to the ground and started speaking Russian extremely fast.
     
    She made no sense as she just kept talking about pies and apples. Then she asked how she did speaking Russian. I ignored her and talked about getting the pies baked. We baked pies for what seemed like only minutes but it was several hours. I was about to leave when Rarity ran into me sobbing. She said that some thing happened at Fluttershy's cottage.
     
    I freaked out and ran toward the cottage. (This is where the dream went to a third-person view) I got to her house and saw several royal guards and a bunch of other ponies were there. I pushed through the crowd and broke the door down to get into the house. It was a perfect recreation of what happened to my real wife back in 2006.... Fluttershy was on a stretcher on the ground and was bleeding.
     
    I ran to her and, I'm actually tearing up right now...uh.., she said exactly what my wife said. "Come closer, it'll be okay honey. Just hold me." I held her in my arms and looked at the paramedics, they shook their heads and I couldn't stop crying. She said that she loved me and I felt her pressure let go of my body. I couldn't stop crying and someone pulled me away from her. Someone said they knew who murdered her. All I heard was Big Mac.
     
    I got up and started to run. I don't know where I was running but I just kept running. I woke up after I passed out in my dream. I was sweating and couldn't breath.
     
     
    I know this sounds stupid, but it was almost exactly like what really happened. My brother actually thought I was fighting someone because he said he heard me screaming from the living room.
     
    It feels good to talk about this. Even though it makes me sad, it feels amazing to talk about.
  5. Dimitri Hammer

    December...

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    Hey it's December, the month I hate the most.
     
    As if any of you care, though I hope you at least give a thought, I might not be here.....for a while.
     
    It's been like this before, I get depressed around the holidays because my wife died during them. It's hard to think about still.
     
    I might "snap" out of it sooner though. Here's hoping I'll be back (or maybe not even leave )
     
     
    Thank you for supporting me with all of your great personalities
  7. Dimitri Hammer
    Well, all day yesterday and most of the day before yesterday I've been involved in certain legal matters.
     
    Now, I don't trust many of you....in fact I'm sure most of you are planning to kill me and I only trust maybe one person and I think that person knows who he might be......so I won't say how the meetings went ( )
     
    In the lawyer's office first thing that happened was a receptionist freaked out on me when I walked into the building with my revolver. Now my revolver was holstered but visible. I have a permit for it so don't worry I'm not a Russian maniac planning to kill a lawyer...
     
    I had to leave my gun in the car though, that was rather annoying. After that I sat in the waiting room of his offices with several other people.
     
    One woman sat across from me and a really fat guy sat next to me. After a while of reading those really crappy magazines they leave in waiting rooms I decided to look around. I looked up for a glance at the woman, she was blatantly staring at me with this really creepy look. Her eyes were half closed and her eyebrows were all.....raised.
     
    When she noticed me looking back at her she looked away. That was weird.
     
    After a while I finally got into the lawyers office and for a couple hours we went over annoying legal matters.
     
    When I exited the lawyers office the woman who sat across from me slapped my ass on the way out. That was awkward as hell, I just kept walking and got into my car.
     
     
     
    Think that's it? You'd be wrong....
     
    A friend of mine called me up afterwards and we headed to a bar. He wanted to talk about life and what not. When I got to the bar I got in and sat with him and we just talked. Now this isn't a regular dive bar that I usually love going to.
     
    This is one of those stupid and "hip" techno bars. In the bar was this EXTREME ass of a man. He looked like the people from that show about New Jersey I hear people talk about.
     
    His hair was slicked and spiked up. He was wearing a extremely low collar shirt and he kept hitting on women very rudely.
     
    My friend brought his long time girlfriend with him because she just "adores me" for some reason. Well the Jersey kid came over after a while and began to hit on my friend's girlfriend right in front of him.
     
    My friend told him nicely to leave once, then again with some foul language. The Jersey kid pushed my friend and called his girl a slut.
     
    I couldn't take it anymore, I got up and grabbed the kid by his goddamn throat and threw him out of the, excuse my language, fucking bar.
     
    I went home shortly after that....but it was just annoying.
     
    Life is strange isn't it?
  9. Dimitri Hammer

    взятый...

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    "I have Fluttershy by me and now Dimitri can't get me"-HistoricallyInaccurate
     
     
     
     
    "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my wife go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
     

  10. Dimitri Hammer

    Dancing...

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    I can't dance to save my life. When did I come to this revelation? I've know it forever....
     
    Dance Clubs.....Ha....sure love going to those. Especially when I can only do old fashion dances. I can waltz, and swing, and slow dance wonderfully in my opinion.
     
    Yet when I enter a techno-pop kind of club that's when I start to hate people....more than usual.
     
    Every dance I know is either sophisticated or really, really old. That doesn't fit in well...especially in 2012 in a dance club.
     
    Are you asking yourself "Why are you going to dance clubs??" Well it's not by choice i'll tell you that. My friends force me along sometimes. "Be my wingman, lets get a drink..." Blah blah blah..
     
    I'd rather drink in a DIVE BAR than a club.
     
     
    You: "Hey Dimitri just give it a shot! Just try and do a dance that's not classy or old!"
     
    Me: "Oh alrighty then."
     
     
     
  11. Dimitri Hammer

    Damn Work

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    Such a strange day today. First off I could only be on the forums for a couple minutes because I've been at work for fourteen hours. Nonstop customers were popping in left and right!
     
    Why did everyone in the city suddenly want to buy things from my little store? I mean, there was a heck load of people. Almost two hundred more than usual.
     
    I'm the only guy in my shop, it's a small place and it was ridiculous.
     
    Secondly there were some really strange people who came in. I can't even begin to list them all, but I'll say the most interesting ones.
     
    There was a man dressed as a bear on a leash with a woman in tow. That.....I don't know
     
    Then there were some college kids who seemed really interested in my tattoo and shirt.
     
    It's just crazy. I'm taking the day off tomorrow for sure.
  12. Dimitri Hammer
    This will probably seem crazy but I swear to Lenin, Marx and God about what I saw last night outside my house, I need help identifying whether I'm just going insane or not..It seems like I'm going insane, but I am certain that I am not.
     
    Okay so last night I was sitting at my computer desk drinking some vodka (One every other day, I'm cutting back.....don't judge me) when I heard a noise coming from outside. I glanced outside the window and saw the silhouette of a large creature. At first I thought it was a deer, so I grabbed my revolver and exited my house.
     
    As I got outside it was rather dark and I couldn't see very well but instead of a deer I am almost certain that I saw a large man-like creature without any clothes on. It was taller than me....and I'm like 6"8...I thought it was a man because it was so dark so I yelled at him. It turned around and looked at me then made a mad dash into the forest. It was ridiculous....the forest is full of rough terrain and steep drops, but somehow this man seemed to run through it like it was running on pavement.
     
    I started to chase the man into the forest and I couldn't keep up with him. I lost him after running for what felt like thirty minutes. I gave up and started to head back. I head guttural howls that sounded like nothing I have ever heard before in my whole entire life. I heard twigs snapping behind me and snorting noises as well. I turned around and saw glowing yellow eyes staring at me from about twenty five feet away. I fired my revolver near the creature and took off running back towards my house.
     
    After I got back to the house I locked the doors and boarded the windows. I got my brother and my dog and we left the house and got into my Impala. We headed down south about twelve miles to the sheriffs department. I told the sheriffs and they said I was insane. Then headed back home and stayed up nearly all night with a gun in my hands.
     
    I just want to know if a creature like what I saw even exists. I am having the hardest the believing in what I saw but I don't know. Can anyone tell me what the hell I saw and if I'm actually going crazy?
  13. Dimitri Hammer
    Now you're all my dear comrades, but my bestest comrades have to be Kestrel, Motion Spark, Lightning Fluttershy, Winged Ratchet and HistoricallyInnacurate. Now don't worry I love you all, but these guys stand out of the crowd. They make me feel better about myself as a person and I'd just like to thank them for their support through laughter and serious conversations. Whenever i'm feeling down these guys always make me feel better. It's a awesome thing to have such great friends in here. Even if it is all jokes it's still very cool. So again I thank you guys for making Dimitri feel joyful and not depressed as he was.
     
    I will now go parade around my house with a cigar... That is all....
     
     
    http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=idghDgZOjss&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DidghDgZOjss
  14. Dimitri Hammer
    I smoke but not very often. When I do smoke I smoke from a pipe, I own cigars but I have them just so I can hold them in my hand and parade around my house going "Yeah, See...." and for other celebrations. I know that it's cancer causing but I find it soothes me when I'm getting all emotional. Just like Vodka, it helps me deal with previous pain from my past. Ignoring what I just stated now....I smoke outside away from my brother of course. In the woods or in my shed. I'd never smoke right near him, that'd be insensitive. Don't know why I'm writing about this but I find it funny. So once again: Cigars are for parading around house and never smoking, while pipe is used for rarely smoking outside of house or just put in my mouth for thinking purposes.
     

  15. Dimitri Hammer
    Many seem to think that drinking excessively is what makes me a alcoholic drunk. I haven't gotten drunk for at least two months now. I've cut back on drinking almost all together to about a shot in the afternoon everyother day. Sadly though tonight I've just had four shots of 190-proof Vodka. I know that it's destroying my liver slowly and it is a addiction. Yet I can't seem to control myself when I have recurring bad thoughts. Strangly lately I have had several bad dreams and memories come back to me. I thought I was done with that, but apparently they decided to spring up again after about four years. It's tearing away at my brain and I can't seem to control myself. I just wanted to say that I'm not a alcoholic. I'm just emotionally depressed at the moment, even though I was extremely happy for about three years now. I know that I am happy and everything in my life seems to be perfect but the past takes control of me and seems to make me want to drink. Hopefully this is a phase that'll pass soon.
     
    That's all I have to say for now comrades.
  23. Dimitri Hammer

    Winter's Tale

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    I not talking about the Shakespeare play "The Winter's Tale" (I sure none of you thought about that though..) I talking about the 1983 Novel by Mark Helprin, and soon to be motion picture this month. I never read the book or even heard of it until my Даниил handed me his copy of the novel. I read it just a few days ago, and I just have to say it was an excellent, touching love story. It was beautiful in my opinion, and I was happy to hear about the movie coming out this month. I know movies sometimes differ from the novel, but I still am a supporter. I loved the Gatsby movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Is my favorite film of all time! So I not can wait to see Winter's Tale with my spouse this month!! X3
     
    Winter's Tale was awesome though. The story of love, loss, and a divine presence. Helprin's style of writing is like the ocean, deep and dark, quietly ebbing and flowing, eroding the edges of continents, but also confident and strong, churning into a raging storm dragging all and sundry down to the depths. He has the gift of a born storyteller, who can lash together random letters and words into the most magical tale imagined. I not know much about the man himself, but I really not care. Whether he is a dick or not, I just happened to really enjoy one of his novels.
     
    I also heard many not like this novel. Yes, the author is verbose, and there are nearly too many characters to keep track. But for me, the density of the prose gave way to some stunningly beautiful passages. The quirks of the individual characters and their backstories began to stand out. Is a book of incredible scope that touches on time, relationships, justice, spirituality and mythology. To talk about what is "about" would be misleadingly reductionistic; the closest I could get would be to say that it's about something approximating enlightenment.
     
    Is definitely not a book for everyone, mostly because of the way it deals with time; if you are in mood for a traditional, straightforward narrative with clear-cut conceptualizations of good and bad, time, justice and love, this book will most likely not be for you. Is a dense novel, and honestly I did see some "slow-down" toward middle chapters, but I consider that just a "calm before storm" as they say. I not want to say more. I just wanted to mention how much I enjoyed this piece of work.
     
    So, I going to go enjoy my coffee now and try to lose my slight headache! Goodbye no-one!
  24. Dimitri Hammer

    Desolation

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    Loving, caring people are a rare breed to come across. No one is perfect, and we all have our flaws but I know who my true friends are. A select few. I only need six people in my life. I can only trust these six people in my life. I am extremely cynical otherwise. Most people are motivated by self-interest. They are selfish. People you think are your friends can turn around on you in an instant.
     
    How many times do I need to experience this? Apparently some higher power, or the luck of coincidence has deemed it that I must experience it again. Is an amazing thing when you need someone you called a friend and they do nothing, say nothing. They ignore you like a stranger. Just destroy what you thought was a friendship. A loved one dies, and you need comfort but they are not there. Is just you alone with your thoughts.
     
    Being alone with one's thoughts is a terrifying thing to me. Especially when you are not thinking clearly. When you experience a horrid tragedy and are not thinking right. Depressive, angry. Not good to be alone then, but some people not care. "Friends" say fuck you, and leave. Why? Who knows. People are weird creatures. Cruel, selfish, creatures.
     
    Not every person is like this. Some people are sincerely kind, and caring and want only the best for their friends. Apparently I have a hard time finding these people. Punishment for my previous sins I believe. Karma probably. The six people I care about...three of them are my relatives. That leaves the other three as normal people. My partner, my deceased wife, and my good friend.
     
    Other friends I possessed leave me. Forget about me, ignore me, dislike me. Like I said, is probably karma for the things I did in my life. Who am I to argue? I did heinous things. I deserve to be treated badly. I deserve to have my heart played with.
  25. Dimitri Hammer

    I miss you honey

    By Dimitri Hammer,

    Yet again, this time comes. Yet again, I am faced with struggling through this month. The last time I saw my wife alive was seven years ago today. December fourteenth. Ten days before we were going to get married. This day, this day seven years ago changed me forever. Losing my soulmate, who I built my life around destroyed me. Having no one to comfort me. Everyone abandoned me, her parents blamed me. I blamed myself.
     
    Weeks and weeks of crying. Then hate. Intense hate. I hated myself, I hated everything. I hurt myself, I hurt others. I cut myself, I hit myself, I just broke things. I never felt good. I wanted to die. I tried killing myself, but dying was too easy. I stopped myself. I deserved a life of pain for fucking up. I fucked up, and she died. I should have been home that night, but I was idiot. I should have sensed something. I should have felt something.
     
    Then, I did bad things. I joined a bad group, I did bad things which will never leave me. It will haunt me forever. I did horrid things. Nightmares everynight. Crying waking up. Never feeling comfortable with myself. Depression, guilt, regret, self-loathing. Then I left the bad behind me, and taught for less than a year. Then I moved to America to help my brother.
     
    The depression never stopped though. It never ceased. I brought it with me. Tried killing myself again, but it just did not work. Miracle? Coincidence? Was she watching over me? I not know....I hope so. Then, realizations. After years I began to think and think. She would not want this from me. She would not want me to live this life, and hate myself forever. I had to move on, never forget, but stop the blame and immense depression.
     
    I changed. I still struggle, but I changed. Friends helped me. Good friends. My brother helped me. My partner. Friends on here. Some gone, some still here. Some lost, some sticking around. I love you all, and I thank those who have helped me. I thank those who are still helping me. I love you all. I love you guys very much, and I am being incredibly sincere. You know who you are.
     
    I love you too Aleksandra. I miss you honey.
     
     
     
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