Please Judge My New OC!

[Lightning Bliss 1,674]

So after hitting hard times and recently getting inspired on my orginal OC Lightning Bliss, moving to a new location outside Ponyville (due to unfortuent events involving her arch rival) I decided to make another OC to be her nemesis.

 

And here he is!

 

Chase Razor

 

Here's his character sheet: http://mlpforums.com/page/roleplay-characters/_/chase-razor-r6598

 

I would appreciate any feed back, compliments or critics on his developement. Again he's supposed to be Lightning Bliss's rival, or bully. Like Trixie is to Twilight hehe.

 

Thanks and look forward to hearing from ya'll!

[Ziggy + Angel + Rain 11,302]

What I like most about him is his name lol: Chase.  Chase Razor.  Sounds like it could be the name of a detective in an 80's crime drama. xD  And that's a rather intimidating cutie mark he's got there.

Edited June 12, 2014 by PegaMister

[Nova12 53]

Great character! He seems like a bit of a cliché "evil" character, but otherwise beautiful writing. And an awesome backstory, too!

[Pinkamena-Pills 6,839]

Looks sweet,as a person who has a few O.C.s of my own that aren't "traditional",its nice to see ppl who aren't afraid to "go outside the box" so to say. 

 

Love the claw.

 

He's got a rival-ish sort of look to him also. 

 

[M'aiq the Liar 5,804]

Backstory sounded kinda cliche, with the fact that he found pleasure in hurting others and that the rival for your OC happens to be a bully who takes pleasure in hurting others.

 

But the design of the character is amazing.

[Bastion 414]

Oh my, a melee fighter while using fire in his tactics.

 

I feel challenged XD

 

 

He is quite un-likeable in his characteristics but when I look back at his past, I can understand why he does a lot of his actions and someone do sympathise with the character.

A Unicorn with a big ego and weapon to hold it.

 

I only feel that maybe I would like to see some good in the pony before everything with his father going bankrupt, sort of makes it mean that he could be redeemed later on in time as well as making the character more complex, which makes a bad guy all the more fun to watch or read!

 

Still, fantastic work on the character, I would love to see some writing on some of the conflicts he has with Lightning Bliss.

[Lightning Bliss 1,674]

All these responses are helping me greatly, this is my first OC I'm writing that is actually meant to be a 'villian' problem is I don't do villians very often.

 

This character is based off two people from real life, sadly I don't know their personal experience to emphansize on why they were cruel to me in the first place.

 

The bully side of things, he always picked on me for how I looked, so here lies the ideal that he will do anything to upstage Lightning Bliss every chance he gets, which isn't too hard cause he's mastered in his magical talents, she barely understands the basics.

 

Though I can see the critics here that he's "too" bad, and not enough good. So i'll re-edit his back story some to shake off all that bad stuff, and create a reason for why he went down the dark path to begin with.

@, @,

 

Ok so I re-edited a few things and I think he sounds alot better, what do you two think?

[Bastion 414]

@@Lightning Bliss,

I love the fact that he now use to challenge others to magical duels, I guess he must have been a bit brutal if it got him facing these suspensions but still, there is a lot of potential and power within this unicorn but sadly a series of unfortunate events sent the pony into a state where he felt betrayed and angry, which makes me respect and feel sorry for him, I understand why he is doing what he does.

A awesome, complex villain with a brilliant design and fascinating backstory. good work!

[Lightning Bliss 1,674]

@,

 

Ya after taking advice and critics on his construction, I realized I wanted him to be more of a 'rich jock' who at the time for the first years of his life, only knew the fortunes of life as a high standard unicorn in Canterlot. Then all of that is suddenly taken away from him by crimes of his father. His mother then leaves him and his dad for another rich unicorn so that in its own right should plant a seed of 'abandonment'. The whole magical duel thing against his classmates he brought on himself cause he loved the status of being 'the best' in his class. So naturally young stallions will challenge each other for the alpha role, so he got into duels alot while in magic school.

 

Then of course when he leaves Canterlot, and is downgraded to a middleclass life style, he wants to feel that feeling of 'being on top' again and the only way he feels he can do that is to make others feel lower, or under him. So he results to bullying and using his magic to scare or dominate others. All the while though his past still hurts him, it never goes away. So when he meets LB, this pretty mare with sad circumstances of her own, yet she still finds a way to smile and enjoy life, he wants what she has, and feels the only way he can is to be her stallion friend. He sees her as his salvation or pick up from all the bad stuff he's experienced. Of course when he tries to win over her heart, he does it the worst way possible, but picking on an exchange student.

 

Being picked on herself back in edit:Cloudsdale, she felt sorry for the gryphon and wanted to bring peace back to the school, by stopping Chase and his harrassments. Of course once again he feels 'betrayed' now by the mare he had a crush on. So that was basically the snapping point for him, and she's the scape goat for all the horrible situations he's been through.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Lightning Bliss

[Argumedies 1,748]

Looks young, hard headed and out to hurt some pony.... intentionally or not.

 

Bio reeks of being a spoiled brat. I'm sure the Royal Guards will love having you as a guest in the prisons someday.

 

The color scheme looks good but cutie mark makes me wonder if ponies shave enough to know what triple razors look like from the side lol

 

But its all RP and the design was meant to be BA so this passes by my standard.

 

One of these days I may get my own OC made

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

Well...I kinda hate to burst your bubble Blissy but...I have to say, this OC is a Mary Sue. You need to tone it down by quite a bit. Having him be a rich pony and the top of his class and defeat a classmate in a magic duel to earn his cutie mark, just seems to cliched. The backstory is also kinda cliche too, having to go from high to low stats. The design looks really good, but the backstory needs A LOT of work. 

[Lightning Bliss 1,674]

@@C. Thunder Dash,

 

Well that's one opinion, everyone else so far says its good but needed some touch ups or clean ups, less evil and more of a sad story to explain his behavior.

 

Believe it or not people go through that sort of thing in the real world. Life in the fast lane and then to lose it due to circumstances out of their control.

 

Exactly how is that a Mary Sue? Guy is on top of the world, then he loses it, its the makings of a villian I was kinda going for, he has to have some back story to be a 'bad guy'.

 

And sorry, but when you say Mary Sue, this is what I think:

 

- Bad or good all the way in everything

- Able to heal wounds instantly

- Can conjure anything out of thin air, (He can only conjure objects, with a nasty habit of fire around them, mostly stabbing weapons, that's it)

- Can summon demons/monsters/dragons etc to his/her will

- Can transform into any being they wish

- Is immortal all the way, meaning no damage or aging

- Has the powers of Celestia or Luna cause they are related to them in some way

 

So with all do respect, I have to disagree with you on my OC rival being a Mary Sue. His talent is in ONE ability he's focused and mastered on. His past is what makes him the villian he is today. He went from a rich life style down to a middle class, and felt humiliated and ashamed by his family and his life being 'taken' from him, and seeks to have LB being his scapegoat for all his problems. His life went from perfect to 'in his mind' junk, so he is far from perfect.

Edited June 13, 2014 by Lightning Bliss

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Lightning Bliss,

 

Yep, and that also makes him a bit overpowered too...sadly.  

[Lightning Bliss 1,674]

@@C. Thunder Dash,

 

Well, coming from some one who made an OC pegasus that conjures lightning from his hooves, turning it into magic, and making anything out from that magic?

 

Not OP at all.

 

At least my OC rival is a unicorn, it makes more sense with him.

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Lightning Bliss,

 

Yeah...I can see what your saying, but still...conjuring demons is sort of pushing it, but that's just my opinion.  

[Lightning Bliss 1,674]

@@C. Thunder Dash,

 

I never said he conjures demons... I said thats what I think of when I think of a Mary Sue.

 

My List of what a Mary Sue is to ME!

 

- Bad or good all the way in everything

- Able to heal wounds instantly

- Can conjure anything out of thin air, (He can only conjure objects, with a nasty habit of fire around them, mostly stabbing weapons, that's it)

- Can summon demons/monsters/dragons etc to his/her will

- Can transform into any being they wish

- Is immortal all the way, meaning no damage or aging

- Has the powers of Celestia or Luna cause they are related to them in some way

 

 

 

Crash Razor doesn't fit any of those I just listed above. He can only conjure 'objects' usually stabbing weapons, that happened to be surrounded by fire and that's it.

[Courageous Thunder Dash 7,824]

@@Lightning Bliss,

 

Ooh, my misunderstanding  

[Nova12 53]

I like what you've done with the editing. I'm a writer, and I know it's best to have a villain who becomes evil instead of being simply born evil. Great work!