Looking to improve my OC.

[Scare Effect 312]

I am looking to see what others think of my OC and ways to improve upon my flawed Character due to sloppy and cliche things. Also please tell the truth and explain what you thought.

so here is a link to her Character Page:scare-effect

 

[Captain Trek 32]

OK, I went over the Ask Scare Effect thread and Scare and Everest's character bios before posting here.

I think a lot of people are quick to toss out the "Mary Sue!" accusation for very superficial reasons, as if the mere fact of being an alicorn, being red and black, or being superpowered is enough to make one's character a Sue in of itself. In reality, there's only one kind of Mary Sue that actually exists, that all other Mary Sues ultimately boil down to:

 

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlackHoleSue

 

This is why Superman is not a Mary Sue (or Marty Stu, rather), but Madeline is. Superman's stories are less about Superman's personal struggle and more about how the world at large responds to having the so-called "man of tomorrow" here with them today. He may be incredibly powerful, but not every human falls into instant, unquestioning worship of him, 'nor is it possible for him to remake the world exactly as he desires, because to do so he would have to become the very things he fights against (a story with a Black Hole Sue would particularly ignore or gloss over that issue). The fabric of reality does not twist to fit Superman's character (at least no more than the DC Universe usually does). Madeline, on the other hand, is an ordinary 7 year old Parisian girl who paints a picture that looks like it was painted by an ordinary 7 year old Parisian girl (she doesn't even have the excuse of being super-geniuses like Jimmy Neutron or Phineas and Ferb). And yet it gets hung up in the Louvre in a blatant case of reality warping and twisting out of shape specifically to pedestal the character and for no other reason.

 

That, ultimately, is really what you have to ask yourself when you ponder whether Scare Effect is a Mary Sue: are you warping and twisting Equestria out of its usually shape specifically to fit Scare Effect? Perhaps you could send me a more complete backstory so I can better assess that question. As it stands, from what I can see it appears that Scare, despite being super-powerful, is just trying to lead a normal life. Thus, she is not a Sue from what I can tell (but again, I have incomplete information here), but that has problems all of its own.

If Scare Effect has superpowers, you have to ask yourself, what purpose do they serve in Scare's story? What reason is there narratively for these powers to exist? What does she do with these powers, exactly? "I just thought it would be cool" is reason enough to come up with a character concept in the first place, but that can't be where your thought process ends. If you want her story to be slice of life ordinary existence stuff that's fine, but the powers have to play into that in some fashion, otherwise there's no reason to have them. Ask Merriweather is a good example of this, where a lot of Merri's personality is informed by her time spent as a royal guard (before she departed to start a cafe), and the protective magics she learned as a guard find new life in creating fully disposable silverware for the cafe. Again, narrative purpose...

Next up, I think you need to change her cutie mark. Why would a cutie mark ever symbolise that a pony's life was destroyed? That doesn't make any sense. The pony has to actively realize their destiny and place in the world for the mark to appear. It's possible for a pony to have a mis-revelation (Troubleshoes), but the mark should still symbolise what the pony is actually for. Unless Scare's talent is destroying people's lives, but I don't think that's what you were going for...

 

You also need to expand upon her personality. In the Ask thread, she comes across as a generic 'girl next door' sort of figure for the most part, which is not wrong in of itself, but it seems lacking in depth. This is backed up by the threadbare description on her character sheet. In what way is she fun loving and serious? Does that mean she's fun loving in a serious way, like she enjoys an intellectually stimulating game of chess? Does that mean she's sometimes fun loving and sometimes serious unpredictably? Does it mean she's either or when she needs to be? Also, she doesn't come across as very 'mysterious' in the Ask thread. If anything she seems very open about her tragic past. You might want to rethink either the description or the way she carries herself.

This is all rather preliminary, but I hope it can help you get started on the road to making Scare a better character. One other thing I should also ask is, why is her name Scare Effect? Your signature banner implies she's a demonic, frightening presence, but nothing else about either the Ask or the character sheet seems to back that up.

[Scare Effect 312]

 

 

why is her name Scare Effect?

 Her name is that due to her originally being made to be a villain.

 

there is also another character that shares her past that goes into what happened more it would be the FEAR one as it explains what happened to her world.

 

as for her cutie mare it has been changed many times and i like its design, but you are right her cutie mark seems redundant as it does not represent anything about her.

 

in the ask Scare Effect  thread I am out of Character and still need to work on it.

 

now her personality i kinda messed up she originally was supposed to be insane and have MMD but i scrapped the Idea due to too many insane OCs to begin with.

 

Now for the world I made it based off a song and i added a lot to it, the world she's from is not Equestria due to me not wanting to ruin it I decided to make a separate world that is infested with soulless ones (Mindless creatures looking for souls). that were made during the device activation.

[Captain Trek 32]

Fair enough with the name. I actually like it when a pony's name doesn't always inexplicably match their talent, but you understand I had to ask...

You seem to understand the issues with the cutie mark and personality, so unless you want some help with those I'll leave you to work on them.
 

As for the world, I wasn't talking about the world she originated from. I was talking about what happens after she leaves her world and arrives in Equestria Prime... whether she is warping that reality around her... Unless I interpreted that part of her history incorrectly and she never did actually go to the prime-universe Equestria?

Edited September 22, 2015 by Captain Trek

[Scare Effect 312]

@@Captain Trek, She does not affect the reality of Equestria Prime at all. the Villains i made purposefully do this by using magic and other things. I do my best to keep Equestria prime's reality normal.

 

I also understand why you asked why I named her that.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Scare Effect

[Captain Trek 32]

Fair enough. Well, I've given my advice now, so if you want some help let me know. Beyond that, looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

[Scare Effect 312]

@@Captain Trek I would like your help with making Scare better but if you are busy or want to do some thing else it is fine.

[Captain Trek 32]

Well I'm not going to re-make Scare for you. It's supposed to be your character, not mine. You'll have to ask for my help with specific aspects of the character you're having trouble with.

[Scare Effect 312]

@@Captain Trek,I know that and i don't want you to remake my character i just need a separate opinion on somethings as well as someone i can brainstorm with that's all.

[Captain Trek 32]

Alrighty. Well lemme know when you need something.

[Scare Effect 312]

@@Captain Trek, okay thank you for your help. 

[Captain Trek 32]

Not a problem. Always happy to help.

Edited September 22, 2015 by Captain Trek

[Scare Effect 312]

I made a few changes to her Cutie mark, back story, and added what she uses her powers for but i would like a second opinion.

[Captain Trek 32]

The Backstory section needs a major editing pass (grammar, sentence flow, capitalisation, etc.), but already we're seeing a massive improvement. The reworded personality section gives us the clear understanding that Scare is a "work hard, play hard" type of individual and we now have firm context both for why her powers exist from a narrative standpoint and how Equestria continues to function normally in spite of this new superhero's presence. I already like Scare as a character a lot more now.

One thing I would advise is removing the redundant references to the passage of time. Not only are these awkward to read, but they seem like rather short amounts of time for all these myriad events to have taken place. Replacing them with, "it wasn't long until..." and "Scare was happy for a time until..." and such-like will both read better and make more sense. Additionally, you should probably change FEAR's name, at least removing the all-caps. For one thing, FEAR sounds like an organisation rather than a pony. For another it's just kind of silly and hard to take seriously when this is supposedly the pony that destroyed the Equestria of Scare's home universe. Also a series of tactical shooters already called dibs on writing "fear" in all caps.

Edited September 24, 2015 by Captain Trek

[Scare Effect 312]

you should probably change FEAR's name, at least removing the all-caps. For one thing, FEAR sounds like an organisation rather than a pony. For another it's just kind of silly and hard to take seriously when this is supposedly the pony that destroyed the Equestria of Scare's home universe. Also a series of tactical shooters already called dibs on writing "fear" in all caps.

The reason i wrote it like that was to signify the difference between the one that destroyed Scare's Home universe from the other one that I made. But I do understand what you mean so i will make it a nickname due to the fact the name is used in a lot of RPs. and give her a different name.

 

I will also edit the time lapses into something that flows better.

Edited September 24, 2015 by Scare Effect

[Scare Effect 312]

@@Captain Trek,I made the changes you suggested including changing the villains name. 

[Captain Trek 32]

It still needs more editing (I'll gladly provide that for you if you want), but fundamentally I'd say it's pretty sound now. We have a much more solid grasp on the hows and whys and the character, whilst powerful and tragic, doesn't come across as a Mary Sue to me in her current state. One thing I find interesting about the character is that she's also not (even before I started commenting) a generic edgelord despite her decade of isolation, which I'm sure will help mollify a lot of people who tire of such characters.

In her present form, you have, I would say, a solid enough basis on which to begin to build stories and character development. Where were you thinking of using her, if I might ask?

Edited September 25, 2015 by Captain Trek

[Scare Effect 312]

Where were you thinking of using her, if I might ask?

I have been using her in RPs mostly but i originally made her for a comic series that i scrapped when i switched her from being a bad guy to a good guy. Now I am thinking of starting a new comic series. Oh and I am Writing a fanfic of an RP i did that has her as one of the main Characters.

 

 

 

It still needs more editing (I'll gladly provide that for you if you want),

 

that would be appreciated.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Scare Effect