critique wanted My OC: Mary Sue

[Gamer_KM 90]

Born In Alternate version of Equestira. This version Magic is dieing , unicorn birthrate has dropped from about 1:1:1 to around 1 unicorn for every 30,000 non-unicorn pony. Taking place over the course 500 years. (for a ruff time line: 30 years post show Luna, Twilight, Celestia and the Elements vanish for an unknown reason, Giving way for the Equines Republic of Equestira(ERE). 60 years post show, Cadance pulled the crystal empire from time ones more. ~200 years post show Discord is found turned back to stone in an unnamed forest.) Crime is at it's highest in nearly 200 years. Homeless and Unemployment is on a sharp rise. Alicorns are nothing but a myth at this point(Hey in Fallout Equestria, it too only 200, if you want more canon example....Luna).

Formed in the Astral Plain, Twilight used The elements as a frame work for her,Luna,and Celestia's magic and part of their life force to make her. Mary was "Born", And was sent back back to equestira in a hope she could help protect it from the darkness that was descending on the land. She was placed where the outskirts of what was once ponyville, now a few houses barley cleaning to life, Via A large rip in SpaceTime(See "Do princess Dream of magic sheep", like that one).She was picked up be one of the Town's folk and brought to ponyville. There the town met(All of around 20 ponies), and decided that giving her over to the ERE would end badly(Letting you decide that one),They choose to raise her in secret. 

Although she tries her best to behave, She is naive to the horrors of the world and curious to the point of insanity. She has a kind nature, and tries to help the ponies of ponyville. She likes life, cute animals, Stories about the elements of harmony, Bananas, the night sky, and books. She dislikes Bullies, The color yellow, peas and when things don't go to plan.

 

Due to the nature of her creation she doesn't have a true cutie mark, Her cutie mark is a reflection of the "true" Alicorns. She has to hid her cutie mark with make-up to appear as a black flank.

 

 

really kinda thought out for a Mary Sue but don't hold back.

 

Art & OC by me, base found from someone on DA

 

Theme for her that i'd think fit: 

Edited January 23, 2016 by Gamer_KM

[BlueBrony 388]

Not a bad design for the OC. I must confess that It was hard to get through the backstory. From what I can gather you have some interesting ideas, they just need to be written in a more narrative form, without relying on callouts or detours to explain the politics/rules of the alternate world. Also there are several misspellings and typos that make it even harder to read. I understand If you were trying to put this together quickly, but It's harder to critique the character itself when there are so many things that are distracting about the writing

[Kyoshi Frost Wolf 41,206]

Okay, this is pretty awesome! XD She sounds beastly in her abilities. :3 Cute design too. 

[El Duderino 879]

You've managed to take a complete mary sue, and make it actually work. I've never seen that before. The alternate universe idea is what helps pull this off. You should re-write the backstory to make a little more sense and be easier to read, but I got the idea and I like it.

[Gamer_KM 90]

Ok I rewrote the backstory so it can s easier to read (I hope anyway, tablet was having issues with US English)

 

Born In an alternative version of Equestria, Mary is a construct made by Twilight who used the elements of harmony as a frame work to hang parts of her, Celestia, and Luna's magic and life force off of. Mary was sent to Equestria from the astral plane to protect it from the falling darkness. Landing in what was left of ponyville, the remaining residents choose to raise her rather then give her to the Equines Republic of Equestria,or the E.R.E for short.

 

Due to the lack of unicorns to teach her, she has poor control of her magic. Letting her emotions control it. Although she tries her best to behave, She is naive to the horrors of the world and curious to the point of insanity. She has a kind nature, and tries to help the ponies of ponyville. She likes life, cute animals, Stories about the elements of harmony, Bananas, the night sky, and books. She dislikes Bullies, The color yellow, peas and when things don't go to plan.

She does not have a true cutie mark, her cutie mark is a reflection of the "true" Alicorns. When she has to disguise her self, she uses makeup to cover it and a beanie to hide her horn.