critique wanted OC: Prototype

[Gamer_KM 90]

 

 

-Basic information

Name: Prototype(Green seed)

Gender: Female

Age: 20ish

Any relationships with canon ponies: Nope

Species: Earth

Cutie Mark: Original: A pumpkin seed, New: Same seed but with circuits on it

Cutie Mark meaning: Originally it was to show her love for plants, now it shows that plus her augments.

Has parents or is orphaned?: Has Parents

Hobbies: Philosophy

Lover/crush: No

Any special powers: Due to her augments, she is stronger, and faster then average ponies and is equip with a number of unused weapons and an Unicorn magic and Pegasus flight unit.

Sexuality: Straight

-Questions

Does it have other talents besides the one that gave it its cutie mark?: She is good with puzzle thinking.

Is it royalty or a high ranking pony?: No

Is it in the royal guard?: No

Is it a Princess or element of harmony?: No

Is it a student of Celestia or Luna?:  No

-Story

Backstory: Prototype is an earth pony who lives in Seatrotle(Seattle), She is an only child. She tried to committee suicide by jumping off the top of the Columbia Center, she was rushed to a hospital. where she was put back together, but a stallion pretending to be a doctor edited her recored (He was after another pony at the same hospital and switching the 2 recored)and gave her an overhaul out fitting her with cybernetics; when she woke she was traumatized by the changes to her body. It was so traumatic it changed her cutie mark, she changed her name from Green Seed to Prototype. Her 2 friends helped her in there own way, Sky Drop, a female pegasus who's talant is free falling from Extreme heights, Bought her a wig and dyed it to her old mane color, Sadly it was a Rainbow Dash wig. Her other friend,Digital Line, a unicorn programmer, Bought the building where her old flower shop(Prototype lost it before the attempt of suicide). After reopening her flower shop, she started to question her Humanity(Equineity?) Do to the Cybernetic Enhancements she tends to brake things(ones setting a flower arrangement on fire). She tends to get viruses/hijacked often due to her not being use or having the knowledge or how to keep up with her augments.

Cutie Mark story: She got her Original cutie mark helping her mother with her garden, she got her new Cutie mark after her augmentation surgery.

 

 

So bit of a story here, a friend wanted my do to make a new OC for a online role-play, so last years everfree Glaze put out the song prototype....and I went from there, kinda re-vamping the main person from deus Ex XD....yeah....

 

Things that got left out: She has daughter named Hazel nut....

[Jest (Inactive) 875]

Gonna' be a bit blunt and a bit quick here as I have to head out but, from reading through and looking at the design.

 

I don't like

 

• The grimdark stuff, like attempted suicide, trauma, horrific injuries etc puts me off any OC instantly, but that is personal opinion.
• Could be called a little Mary sue due to the ''augments'' 
• Cutie mark design could be more imaginative 
• Don't like the new color scheme, the green is to bright etc.

On some of the plus side though I think you put some decent amount of thought into it, it doesn't have some crazy parentage like being the daughter of celestia and discord or something x)  I really like the fact that the reason behind her cutiemark is so simple and cute that she just loves plants.  

 

I can totally see a Pony getting over a really hard time in her life by getting back in touch with nature and her love of plants, if anything I would tone down the negative aspects and focus more on her rehabilitation and getting back into nature. I would personally lose the whole being Hijacked / virus thing all together as it just makes it sound like shes constantly tormented which is horrible in my opinion 

 

Hope you didn't find my opinions to harsh  

[AzureNightLight 122]

Quickly havin' a skim through here... I can tell you right off the bat.

 

Change the shade of the green. I mean man, you never see all or red OCs running around. Its always rose red, or pale red, or bright pink, but never pure red. If you know what I mean.

Okay the suicidal business seems to be overused. I swear its a secret technique used to gain attention. It is almost as overused as being an orphan.

The augments, might as well make make her into an all-powerful alicorn. There is a reason why the three races are so balanced. The Earth Pony is stronger, but less mobile (no wings or horn). The Pegasus is very mobile but weaker than the Earth Pony. The Unicorn seems to be the strongest, but really it isn't. A well timed blow to the horn can hurt and even knock them out. Most spells require a wind-up time and concentration to maintain it. Change the base race of your OC. If the OC is perfect, in every possible way, then where's the fun?

 

I do like the cyborg thingy. Its very creative; first time I've come across one. Maybe make it so that a monster or something attacked or a mishap had happened or something that required a scientist/doctor to save her life by turning her into a cyborg. (Exactly like Genos if you know what I mean lel).

[MDLineArt 93]

Ok, as far as the start of the character's story, it shouldn't as a general rule start with suicide attempts.  It make's light of the act as a point for cheap sympathy.  If you are looking to have us (The Audience) develop sympathy for them, then we need to KNOW them before hand.  We as the audience do not know this OC, so starting with their attempt to shuffle off the mortal coil does not help us understand who this person is, or why they are in so much pain.

 

If you are looking to garner our sympathy, it needs to start with us relating to this character, and it can't just be in their moment of pain, but also their joys and aspirations.  We need to be routing FOR Prototype before any such rash actions can be taken as a point of gravity.  Otherwise it just comes across as offensive.

There is a nugget of gold in this character though, I just think it's taken the wrong direction.  It seems you want Prototype to become an action hero with all the trimmings of being an unstoppable juggernaught, but you have with the base concept so much more.

 

Try to imagine a world you can interact with but never 'touch'.  Your arms and legs work, but you can't FEEL anything.  You don't feel the warmth of a handshake, you can't feel the sand under your feet at the beach, heck, going in water or being caught in the rain may lead to shorts and electrical shocks, and it would almost be impossible to hide.  The details feel wrong, because you are not using your hands, you're using machines, because that part of 'You' is gone, forever.

 

Let that sink in, and then work it in for Prototype.  Yes, she can be stronger physically than any other Earth Pony, but it cost her so much that everyone else takes for granted.  Think of the limitations, and the things that she would have to over come personally just to live a semi-normal life.

Does she experience 'phantom limb' syndrome? Does she still feel her friend's eyes fall to her artifical limbs even when they say they are ok with it?  What special precautions does she need to take just to get by?

I think the mechanical aspect of the OC is great in concept, it's just one that needs to be explored deeper than a surface thought 'rule of cool' situation.

As for aesthetics:  Tone down the green alot.  I actually don't mind the heavy scarring and mechanical nature of the drawing, I just think you can do so much more with it.  Don't try and go over-board with the scars and stitches.  "Less is More" is a good mantra for this situation, boil down the marks down to where they are needed to accent a point, but let the body be relatively intact to let the design of the detailed legs really pop out, other wise the picture looks too busy and the eye isn't drawn to anything (And what you want it to be drawn to is the legs, the feature of Prototype's strength and pain).

[Gamer_KM 90]

Alright I hear what you have said, I going to write a fic using her. Going to tweek somethings about Prototype as well as flushing out Hazle 

 

I do like the cyborg thingy. Its very creative; first time I've come across one. Maybe make it so that a monster or something attacked or a mishap had happened or something that required a scientist/doctor to save her life by turning her into a cyborg. (Exactly like Genos if you know what I mean lel).

 

Well Like i said I was going for Adam Jense type in the beginning (To the point where i did quoit him a few times) I going to revamp her a bit and write a fic in my spare time.

 

Also Look up Black Jack from fallout Equestria Project horizons, One of the many things I started to pull from.