An Ancient War

[My Little Mandy 838]

This is my first MLP Fan Fic. It takes place before Celestia and Luna sealed Discord away.I finally finished my fanfic! YAY!

AnAncientWar.rtf

Edited December 16, 2012 by Mandy

[Haven Celestii 9,385]

Eh, it wasn't too bad. It definitely gives off a sort of Romeo and Juliet feel in just this small little bit.

 

First, how did you decide on how Alicorns age? Just seems like you added 1000 to 18 to make it seem like a long time. It's a really odd number to have with no real reason or equation behind it. Might just be me nitpickng, but it definitely stood out enough. 56.5 years sounds like something an Alicorn might age by, but it just feels weird.

 

Second, the maid. I can see that she more than likely won't have a big part, but to just pop up out of nowhere and help in a somewhat key point doesn't exactly make sense. Telling about their relationship waay before that point would do better. and you should definitely add some dialogue between the two more than just Airi asking for the key. The maid is that easy that you can just look into her eyes and she does what you want? Kinda hard to imagine she is the maid of the king and queen of anything, really, with a trait like that. She'd be giving out secrets and stuff left and right it seems.

[My Little Mandy 838]

Eh, it wasn't too bad. It definitely gives off a sort of Romeo and Juliet feel in just this small little bit.

 

First, how did you decide on how Alicorns age? Just seems like you added 1000 to 18 to make it seem like a long time. It's a really odd number to have with no real reason or equation behind it. Might just be me nitpickng, but it definitely stood out enough. 56.5 years sounds like something an Alicorn might age by, but it just feels weird.

 

Second, the maid. I can see that she more than likely won't have a big part, but to just pop up out of nowhere and help in a somewhat key point doesn't exactly make sense. Telling about their relationship waay before that point would do better. and you should definitely add some dialogue between the two more than just Airi asking for the key. The maid is that easy that you can just look into her eyes and she does what you want? Kinda hard to imagine she is the maid of the king and queen of anything, really, with a trait like that. She'd be giving out secrets and stuff left and right it seems.

 

Just added more detail and changed the years from 1018 to 118.

I just didn't want Airi to get too old too quick since Discord was sealed for 1000

in Canterlot Garden for so long according to the series.

 

I added more to my fan fic. Some of the ponies and all are getting killed in rather gruesome ways too.

But that's how it is with wars sadly.