Horizon Mane: Forgotten Hero

[Doctor Derpy 164]

The last bit I posted wasn't the real thing, it was just a word by word print from something I put together on a piece of paper during my spare time but I wrote the first chapter which evens out to 3 pages and 2,000 words.

(Sorry Hazardus for not putting in that this was just a word for word type of thing.... Ooops)

 

 

Chapter 1: Letter of opportunity

An alarm sounded waking me up from my deep sleep. As my vision came into focused I flailed  my hoof trying to shut it off. After a couple seconds of a ear numbing squeal it turned off, well smashed to be exact. It was a new one my parents decided to get me because “I don’t wake up fast enough” or some other crap like that. I crawled off my cyan bed and trotted towards the window. I opened up the blinds and the sunlight striked me temporarily blinding me, I blinked my eyes multiple times until the color went back to normal, While taking a quick look at the other ponies going on with their lives. As I watched the high schoolers walked to Fillydelphia High my name was called. “Horizon! Don’t be late for school!” My mother yelled from downstairs. I quickly put on my saddlebags with a moon shaped buckle. I hurried down to the kitchen to collect my things. “Horizon, you need to stop being this late” Said Dawn who was my father, sitting on the couch as always “I know father” I said heading out the door, placing some pencils and paper in the left and right bag. I always liked being organized.

 

My luck seemed to have ran out. Stepped out the door and the next thing that happens? Thunder clouds start coming in, I hate getting my mane wet. I ended up running through mud puddles one after the other. Best part about it? I didn’t muddy, there was still hope after all. I surpassed a couple of colts on there way to school seeming like they didn’t give two bucks being late. I came across a clock “8:06” I was going to be late for first period, I ran faster.

 

By the time I reached the doors, the warning bell rang telling me I had five minutes left. I walked through the wide red doors into a crowded white hallway with ponies scurrying around to get to their classes. With my luck, I bumped into one of the drama queens that complained about everything and thought they were the “coolest” thing ever. “Look what we have here, the pony who imagined she saved the world? Pathetic” the white unicorn said with a diamond goblet as her cutie mark “Sparkle, I don’t have time for your shit” I said now thinking those were the wrong choice of words to reply back with. My heart raced hoping she would let it go and not go on about it, I bolted down the hallway directly towards the spiraling staircase heading towards the second floor. After a couple of seconds I reached my destination locker 286. I started to quickly gather what was needed for my first period which was Science. After I checked the clock to my upper left, I knew I wasn’t going to be late, that was a relief. After all, this is my last full week before graduation.

I started walking at a normal pace knowing that I had two minutes before the third bell rang indicating that class has started, sit down and be poisoned. I questioned that thought wether it is actually poison or a toxic gas that seeps through our pores and secretly attacks our brain. I entered the class and my teacher looked at me, his pink eyes gazed at mine “Ah! You aren’t late!” Serg said and mumbled something inaudible under his breath. I gave a smirk and took my seat on one of the stools that weren’t really made for comfort. The classroom was just like any other science classroom, a lab consisting of supplies, goggles, sinks, and bunsen burners with many more items which would take forever to say them all.

 

“Good morning class! I hope everypony has had a good night because today is our final!” Serg said pacing around the front of the class always giving off his sarcastic smile, his green coat didn’t help it at all. He turned around and fluffed up his gray hair into some sort of spiked up mohawk type of thing. “I hope you all studied, now put your things aside and get ready to test” Well good thing I did study, not wanting to repeat senior year and end up being like some other type of mare who think they are way too cool for school. The teacher trotted towards his desk and opened up a lockbox which contained the tests. Teachers always do that I thought to myself. He picked up a key hidden under his desk drawer which he kept another hidden drawer inside a drawer, drawerception eh? As usual he checked everypony making sure they wouldn’t cheat by studying them for a while, he studied me more than everypony else which creeped me out, badly. He was one of those teachers that thought I was crazy or insane just because those stories I told were true, if only I can prove it. Yes, I was a hero but now something has made them forget everything of the past events. I don’t even know where Dawn Rider nor The Doctor is now, probably forgot too. Equestria was saved, I was safe well at least what I thought, things still go bump in the night. The teacher handed  us this seven page test about everything we have learned, including one of the basic ones. The periodic table which I hardly even have it remembered. The rest was compounds, cells, heredity, and a lot of other things. Anyways, now to focus on the test, Geronimo.

Everything felt like a blur, the last couple of periods. The feelings of taking the tests weren’t there anymore Not a nice feeling, especially in seventh period when you get bucked in the buckin’ face. Yeah, you know that queen that I talked to earlier? Yep, I knew she’d come back for revenge. But I can tell you something, having still remembering saving Equestria and all the things I’ve learned, I kicked her flank and ended up only with a black eye, mainly because I wasn’t paying attention like I always do in my careers elective class.

And once in for all, I sat on the ground, my head spinning from that lucky shot that hit me in the right spot. Almost blacked out but I tried my best not to, to save my reputation. Sparkler certainly could handle the hit as good as I did. Yet again, I was sent to the principle which was also our counselor which was another con.

“Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face, out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself. “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style. I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

“Well, looks like the day is over, you’re free to go” He said sitting back down in his chair opening up one of his drawers. I got up stretching trying to relieve the pain in my back. As I was nearing the door he continued to talk “You only have a week left before graduation, just please act normal?” He said looking up from my files he accrued, I simply nodded “Yes, Mr. Pike” I continued backing up, I then turned around and opened the door into the hallway soon getting slammed into by some colt who wasn’t watching where he was going. He dropped a letter with a seal on it that looked very perculiar, the colt ran off before I got a chance to say anything. Among closer inspection it wasn’t just any ordinary seal, it was my cutie mark! “I’ll be damned” I mumbled as I flipped it over to see my name written on the back in bold letters. I trotted back to my locker in a bit of a hurry, stuffed the letter in the saddlebag and quickly left the building before anything else happened.

The walk home wasn’t as bad as I though. The sun was out and shining, fillies were at play, and most of the patches of mud puddles were now gone saving me the trouble trying to avoid their massive size. I walked past one of the trees were all the trouble makers hung out at, along with them? Sparkler with colts and mares surrounding her while she told them a whole different story of what happened. They turned around and looked at me with the most denying looks on their smudged faces. She said something horrible, I bit I thought to myself and continued walking home at a little bit faster of a pace trying not to attract their attention.

The walk seemed longer than it actually was. Mostly because the anticipation of actually opening the letter itself and read what it says, the thought of it made me jump in excitement.. That was until I slammed into a tree in front of my house in front of a couple of cute colts who just started giggling while I stood dazed in embarrassment. Good thing was I was too caught up in my thoughts to notice and just walked straight through my door all the way up to my room not even paying attention to the regular conversation starters my father puts me through, not again.

I opened my door and tossed my bags on my bed not worrying about the mess it would make. I took out the letter and opened, and to my surprise it wasn’t that long of a letter.

“I know who you are, what you are, and what you have seen and been. Let me be of some help in your quest of figuring out why everyone has forgotten, meet at Fillydelphia’s park next to the statue. Be there at 6:00 sharp, or your chance may be gone forever.”

The letter ended without a signature and I couldn’t make out the handwriting with anypony else’s I’ve seen. I checked the clock that was located right above my bed, it read 5:46. I had to get there fast. It hit me hard, I’ve been into much of a hurry to recognize that there was a music festival exactly at 6:00. I was in it, a duo with Vinyl Scratch also known as DJ PON3 which was her stage name. “Dammit” I mumbled, I turned to my right and stared out my window for a couple of seconds staring at everyone getting ready in the distance. Same thing happened that happened in the morning. “Horizon! You got twenty minutes before leaving for that festival! Get ready!” This time it was my Father who yelled up to me, probably because my mother was out doing some shopping since she always goes for shopping on a Friday night to be stocked up for the weekend. Mainly because my Father invites many of his friends to kick back, relax, and have some apple cider on sunday.

Chapter 2: The Setup

Edited May 13, 2013 by Doctor Derpy

[Hazardus_Havard. 479]

This is a tad short for me.  I prefer my chapters much longer.  But that's just me nitpicking at what I usually prefer.  So you know, your stuff will be in purple and mine in red.  And just so you know, the unnamed stallion talking to Horizon... I'll be referring him as 'doc' since I don't know who he is or his name.

 

I guess to start off, you don't organize anything in your story properly.  It's all clumped up, making any attempt at reading areas in a proper fashion difficult for readers.  I will take the first paragraph as an example

 

“Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face, out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself. “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style. I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

 

This shouldn't be clumped up like this.  You need to organize paragraphs so they match up with the info needed, and speaking roles are separate as well.  Here's how it should've been organized.

 

“Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face,

 

out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself.

 

“Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style.

 

I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

 

Organizing this also shows flaws not seen otherwise for newer writers and things that should be changed around.  For instance, the second time the doctor talks to the protagonist, he's asking a question.  You wrote said, but should've written 'asked'.  Another thing to look for, if a person is talking and the line continues off like both the talking areas up above are, you need to place a comma and NOT capitalize the next word. 

 

There are other things to look for.  When a name pops up, like -

 

“Now now Horizon,

 

This should be corrected to -

 

“Now, now, Horizon.

 

There's a reason for the extra commas.  First one is when there is a need for a break.  Pretend you're speaking the sentence and usually stop to say another part of the sentence or take a breather.  That's usually where a comma goes.  It's usually common sense on this part.  The second, when two words are identical (Now now) a comma needs to be placed in between to differentiate the two apart.  Only cases this is not true is things like names or titles (Bon Bon).  The third is when a name is said at the end of a sentence, like Horizon is here.  Though not always the case, it's something you learn from over time.

 

Now for the part on commas on continuation sentences.  If someone is talking and the line continues on without needing a period, you should put up a comma and continue the line  Here's an example of such a thing happening -

 

"I'm hungry for some tofu-dogs," you hear Pinkie Pie saying to you.

 

There are times this isn't needed though, such as when an exclamation point pops up.  Here's two -

 

"Gee willikers, Batman!" Robin yells out.

 

And reworded -

 

"Gee willikers, Batman!" a young boy in very questionable attire yells out.

 

And just so you know, it's common that when a thinking part pops up, people use italics.

 

I really wish this guy would shut his trap, I thought to myself as I gave him another purple nurple.

 

Now, I'm going to do a basic correction of the paragraph from your story. 

 

“Now, now, Horizon. I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true,” a gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face.

 

Out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this.  Works hell on the spine, I thought to myself.

 

“Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” he asks, placing down his clipboard, finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style.

 

I turned my head to the left, revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shining through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness.

 

The bell rang.

 

Now we have a better understanding thing to read.  But... there are still problems.  And just what are those problems?  Well, you seem to have a problem describing things and moving the scene forward.

 

What I mean is, you should slow down a little so you can get a better understanding of what you're writing.  It seems like you are trying to get things done quickly to get the chapter out.  For instance, you're describing the doc's red eye in an evil way, then move onto Horizon being uncomfortable in a chair.  That should've either been connected to the eye somehow, or moved to it's own part.  Here's an example of how I would've written that part, albeit with some more description used.

 

Yours -

 

out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself.

 

Mine -

 

Sitting in my rough seat, still attempting to get comfortable in the stiff cushioning, I look over at the doc as he looks at his hovering clipboard.  I spot a single eye peeking out from around his clipboard, a red, glowing orb piercing from the side  It gave off the appearance as if was staring at me.  It gives him a more menacing look, reminding me of those stupid costumes I'm used to seeing on Nightmare Night... but more realistic.  I look away from his damning eye, trying to get comfortable in the darn seat once more.  It amazes me that Lyra actually likes to sit upright in these seats.  Just how does she manage?  It definitely works hell on the spine, I think as I grit my teeth in agony.  Damn this seat from Tartarus!

 

It can be shortened, but this is just one way to go about connecting the two properly while also providing a more entertaining read to the reader.  That leads to the another problem.  You write out areas with minimum effort, making it hard to follow along or difficult in captivating a readers interest to follow along.

 

Here's a few things I'll point out.  First off, the bell rang part needs to be lengthened out.  You should try and make it so describing the protagonist or any other character is meaningful and not forced like you did here.  You should also restructure some areas on where you write so it can be simpler to follow along.

 

Also, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT tell and show.  You want to show the readers what's happening by describing areas and letting them figure out what's happening.  Telling them what's happening while also telling them about the scene is not fun to read at all.

 

Now, I'll give you my interpretation of what you wrote in my own words as a final thing for you to see.  First, what you wrote.

 

“Now now Horizon, I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true” A gray stallion said with a clipboard hovering blocking his face, out of the corner you could see his red eyes making him look more evil than he is. I looked up at him trying to get comfortable in this god forsaken chair, amazing how Lyra can sit like this, works hell on the spine, I thought to myself. “Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” He said placing down his clipboard finally revealing my pink coat with a cyan and white mane style. I turned my head to the left revealing my white freckles under my right cyan pigmented eye. After thinking about it, I faced him and told him a lie because I was a hero but people have forgotten. The stallion turned around in his chair and opened the blinds, the sun shined through almost blinding me until I adjusted to the change in brightness, the bell rang.

 

What I wrote -

 

“Now, now, Horizon, " a gray stallion says with a clipboard hovering his face, effectively blocking it from view.  "I told you to stop making up stories! Just because you thought it up doesn’t mean it’s true."

 

Sitting in my rough seat, still attempting to get comfortable in the stiff cushioning, I look over at the doc as he looks at his hovering clipboard. I spot a single eye peeking out from around his clipboard, a red, glowing orb piercing from the side  It gave off the appearance as if was staring at me. It gives him a more menacing look, reminding me of those stupid costumes I'm used to seeing on Nightmare Night... but more realistic.  I look away from his damning eye, trying to get comfortable in the darn seat once more.  It amazes me that Lyra actually likes to sit upright in these seats.  Just how does she manage?  It definitely works hell on the spine, I think as I grit my teeth in agony.  Damn this seat from Tartarus!

 

“Now, do you promise that you won’t make up anymore stories in your careers class?” he asks, placing down his clipboard, staring at me with a small raise of his eyebrows.

 

I tilt my head towards the ground, my cyan and white mane falling on my face. Blowing it off to the side, I sit there and think to myself, letting the seconds go by as he continues staring at me with those creepy eyes of his. It doesn't take long for me to turn back to him and spout out a simple lie. Why tell him the truth when he'll argue that I'm lying in the first place once more? The stallion nods his head at my reply, turning around in his seat and towards the windows.  He opens up the blinds, lighting up the previously dark room. I wince back, groaning at the sudden intrusion of light ramming into my eyes. 

 

I blink a few times, trying to regain my sight.  Once it's back, I notice the doc is about to say something else when the bell rings.  Freedom! I think to myself, internally grinning.

 

 

 

Once more, this is just how I would've written that.  There are other ways to go about it and what I have here is not set in stone. 

 

I guess throw over a reply on what I said here in the thread if you need to ask a question about what I wrote here.

 

I do hope what I have written here doesn't deter you from writing to further your literary abilities to progress further down the road.

Edited May 4, 2013 by Hazardus_Havard