adventure The Story of Mini Wing

[MiniWing22 9]

Here is the fanfic of my OC Mini Wing (I made another topic about her).  The topic is a little off but none really had the correct topic for this story.

 

One day, a very special pony was born.  Proud parents Fluttershy and Macintosh were very excited to see their new daughter, but had not decided a name yet.  The nurse brings in the adorable newborn filly.

"Here she is! Such an adorable little one." exclaims the nurse.
"Oh my, what a sweetheart she is." happily says Fluttershy, unwrapping the filly from her blanket.
"What happened to her wing??" Big Mac questions, noticing her very small wing.
"Don't worry, some newborn pegasi have wings that still need time to develop.  You should see the wing at a more normal size within a month or two." assures the nurse.
Fluttershy and Mac, less worried, go back home with their beautiful newborn.

 

When they arrive to the cottage, Fluttershy lays on her sofa with her filly.
"What should we name her?" asks Fluttershy.
"Her wing is a feature that makes her stand out.  How about Mini Wing?" recommends Mac.
"It's very sweet.  But what about when she outgrows her wing?"
"Then she'll always be known for her small wing she was born."
"I like it." says Fluttershy, with agreement for the name.
The family takes a rest for the day, all cuddled together.
Two months later, Mini's wing is still abnormally small, and has barely grown at all.  Fluttershy has grown a bit concerned.  She is even considering taking her to the doctor.
"Mac, her wing hasn't grown very much, and I'm starting to think something is wrong with it." says Fluttershy, with great concern.
"Maybe it's best to take her to the hospital and get her checked up."

 

I wrote more but I was tired when I did and apparently I didn't save it ;_;  Expect more soon!
 

[long gone 8,929]

Oh cool, an OC with a disability! Definitely a breath of fresh air from all the Mary Sues and other overpowered/"perfect" beings this fandom has birthed.

 

Writing, though, just feels half-assed. Big Mac isn't known for saying much and Fluttershy is... well, shy, and I'm not seeing either in-character in what little you did save. "When they arrive to the cottage" should read "When they arrived at the cottage", and why name the filly "Mini Wing" if she might develop a normal wing soon-ish? If it's normal sized by the time she begins talking her parents are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Edited August 7, 2013 by Daring

[MiniWing22 9]

Big Mac isn't known for saying much and Fluttershy is... well, shy, and I'm not seeing either in-character in what little you did save.

Unfortunately this was one of the big problems out of what I wrote, this is only my second fanfic and I agree, it isn't that good.  I'm considering re-writing.  I just didn't want it to be boring with too little dialogue (so it was probably a bad idea to pick characters with just that, though at the time I chose them I didn't really think I was going to write a fanfic, I just thought it was going to be a simple OC).

 

 

"When they arrive to the cottage" should read "When they arrived at the cottage".

 

Thank you for the correction, I'll add this in if I re-write (if I still use that line).

 

 

Why name the filly "Mini Wing" if she might develop a normal wing soon-ish? If it's normal sized by the time she begins talking her parents are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

This was also a big problem for me when I wrote it, I knew that was going to look really dumb but I had no idea for what I could do.  Since I'm re-writing probably (if I have the time) I have two ideas to fix that - either I can make them name her something else and they can change it when she's older (though there are two problems with that, there isn't an extreme reason to change it, and, throughout the fanfic readers will develop a bond with the character and a name change, much like Twi getting wings, will effect their view or likeness of the character or otherwise it will just make them sad/angry about the sudden change), or I can just have them not name her till fillyhood, but that doesn't really work either.

[long gone 8,929]

Well, I'll see if I can come up with ways to help you improve this. I'm a bit of a writer myself, although I lack inspiration most of the time. Maybe knowing that I'm helping someone I don't know over the Internet will give me inspiration for something like this

[MiniWing22 9]

This will be the re-write in a few hours.  Hahaha.

 

But really, it's hard to re-write sometimes.  Once upon a time is too cliche and fairytale style like for this type of story.

Question - If a filly is a young female pony, what would a baby female pony be considered?

Edited August 8, 2013 by MiniWing22