To say this simply, reality made me its bitch.

The reason I wasn't on at all yesterday was because I was at a play.

But for the entire day, I was in absolute shock with myself.

Here is what happened on Friday.

***

So, I woke up at 6 in the morning to get ready for school. My chest felt amazingly empty, as I had a panic attack just a few hours earlier. I walked into the shower, and sat in it for a while and thought. I really wanted to cut myself again, just to get rid of the pain. So when I got out of the shower I walked into my room. I just sat around for a while after I got dressed, and let the feelings grow. I was hurting so badly, I almost ran into the bathroom to cut. But something told me not to break my promise to cut again.

So, I just put on my headphones and walked out the door to walk to school. I put on my playlist that I listen to when I feel depressed, and just walked. I was crying like usual, and the pain within my heart just continued to grow. Eventually, as I was walking, I started sending texts to my friends, saying I did not want to live with this pain much longer. Then, as I put my phone down, the song changed to "Alone."

This song is about being completely alone, and that no one cared. I just listened to it, and thought to myself,

"No one cares.."

Then, I looked straight up, and my eyes widened. (This all happened. I'm so glad no cars stopped to stare at me.)

I then thought out loud,

"Wait a fucking minute..."

My mind flashed to everyone on the forum. To my friends. To my extremely close friends. All the support. All the messages. All the saying to keep moving on.

I was never alone. I never became alone. I was always with my friends. They kept me safe from myself.

I then looked down at the ground again, and began laughing at myself.

I thought,

"What the hell happened to me? I cut over someone else. SOMEONE ELSE. Where did my life take this sudden turn? Why did I start thinking like this?"

I then slapped myself, and I felt the horrible feelings leave my chest. I began to feel stupid, but amazing at the same time.

At the moment I had this realization, I sent a text to my friends saying that "Reality just bitch slapped me. You guys were always here for me. I was never alone. I was being so stupid."

The moment I sent it, my closest friend Samantha sent a long ass text saying that I need to get better for her.

I just laughed and sent,

"Sam. You sent that AFTER I hit my breakthrough!"

She just stared at me when I saw her in school, and laughed her ass off.

To further these good feelings, more stuff happened.

***

It was after school, and we (actors) were getting ready for our play in a few hours.

It was 5:30, and we got into a circle in the theater room, and got ready to tell each other how being in the play was for everyone, and to say goodbye to the seniors.

Well, when it got to me, I told everyone that they all could say they saved a humans life. Going into theater everyday gave me a reason to live, gave me the strength to keep going. Every person in the room cried. I realized how many people truly cared about me. How much friendship really means.

My life has a completely new meaning. I truly realized the power of being someones friend. Of being happy. Of being there for people.

I want to thank everyone who supported me throughout all of this pain. Throughout my emotional despair. I can gladly say that portion of my life is now officaly over.

This is a new page of my life. A fresh start.

I am hoping to make it right.

I love you guys. Thank you for keeping me alive.