So guys, lately i have tried to stay close to friends and person who are in some pretty bad phsycologial problems, for a reason or another...

so is this a blog about something that tries to be cheerfull? something like keep it up? No.

leave that to those messages you find in candies or movie quotes

i am here to let the inner myself talk

so guys, again, who am i? You may know me as the cheerfull and almost always happy italian Doc. Volt, that is a red cross voluntieer and do pretty stuff in his free time.. right? mostly true, but let me teach you something... i love discovering how stuff works... and especially i love the meaning of words, and being italian helps, since it is very close to latin, the language from which almost all the old words where born

A person, in italian is "persona", in latin that is equal to "maschera" which means "mask"

lovely eh? yeah, they were right, think about it, look at your mirror, how many times you wear a mask? how many times you pretend to be someone and prevent your true self to be shown? don't lie to yourself, you don't scream "i love ponies" during a lesson, you don't tell to your boss "i hate you, i have more talent thatn you asshole", you don't go around easily tellin people "ehi, i might be someone else than what you know, maybe even from the other sex"

i wear a mask as well, and this mask is with me since long time.. i hate and i love it the same time.. i love it because this perpetue smile and this apparent crazyness, helped me gaining lot of friends around me, i have at least a sms a day of friends asking me to hang out or do cool stuff or play with them, and i love this, it helps me being accepted somehow, i even told to friends i am a brony, they just laughted "i espected something like this by you pal! let's take a beer"

but that's not the real me... i would hate myself and i would be hated if i showed my real self.. i am a person with lots of regrets inside me, but that doesn't matter, "we are the crafters of our tomorow" they said, well i chosed wrong, i let the army for a girl that i thought was going to be my family in the future..

was i sad? you fucking bet... but, what my friends told me when she left me? "wow you are already looking for another girl after 4 years and half togheter and you are not even sad! you are the fucking man!"

and that's why i hate my mask.. i felt stabbed inside, but not a single person knew.. and that was awesome.. the last thing i want is to have people around me trying to cheer me up and saying "oh poor guy, you are so unlucky"

FUCK. NO.

it was my fault if she left me and i got the lesson, and i am ok whit this

SO.

why the fuck are you telling all of this gibblerish to us Volt?

the answer? i don't fucking know, i just know that i failed, i know that i lost people who i loved.. but i know that even after what i tried and everything.. i am still here, my bucking heart pumps constanly, my saturation is at 95% (yeah smoke shit), and everytime i go to bed i ask myself "what the fuck did i do today to help the society or others?" the answer is usually nothing, and that's why i joined red cross, not to give an answer to this question, but because i wanted to see real fucking sufference, i wanted to see people that instead of me, wanted to live, but their body didn't let them.. and i got this shit, yeah of course, it doesn't even touch me anymore, but what is important is that made me feel like a fucking bastard against them. why?

i wanted to go, and i am here, they wanted to live and they died, and me, a fucking idiot, wanted to trow away this thing called life for bad choises i have made.. no fucking way sir.. i still want that sometimes... but this feeling, this memories, but especially the friends around me prevents me even to think about that, all i fucking want is people around me to be happy, to stop thinking that their lives sucks, because even if that is true, there is ALWAYS a poor dog who feel worse, fucking belive me.. i have been many times in a cancer center carrying people, i have saw families crying and tearing their hairs in depseration seeying their poor daughter ripped in a car crash, i saw my friends diying, but i am sure, that if they were here, they would fucking slap me for a thought like leaving, and they are god damn right about that

stop despearing about what you loss, stop fucking despearing if you made a bad choiche, wake up each day, and tell to yourself:" this day i will try to give my best, and prove to myself and who is an angel near my heart, that i can do, that i can be a better person and that i will win this game called life"

and italian over depressive author once said"childrens when are born, doesn't cry for the air in their lungs for the first time, they cry because they just realized that they are born, here, to suffer"

i'd like to tell this man:"they cry because they know that they have a long way in front of them, and it will be painfull and hard, but they also cry, because they know that they will be not alone in this walk, even when everyone around them will be gone."

thank you and sorry, please keep going