The day of reckoning is here! Go on, now, my slave children. Spread the word to the whole internet about Twilight's immortality and the conspiracies of Celestia! The First Church of Cupcakes, the Celestianites, and Rainbow Dash will not be allowed to get away with these crimes against the people! Help me start the next revolution while I...

watch a cartoon.

Ooh. "Owl's Well That Ends Well." Fun!

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What's that?

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People hate this episode?

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What the fuck?!

What did "Owl's Well That Ends Well" do? Commit genocide?! You idiots, that was me that killed the Eskimos. Ugh.......... Alright, so, apparently, "Owl's Well That Ends Well" is a sin against season one. Well, if you guys know anything about my ability to roast the fuck out of episodes I hate, you should know that if this episode is the horror that it really is, you can expect me to rape it and its next door neighbor. So let's start to pull some serious fun out of "Owl's Well That Ends Well".

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, replace Spike.

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Yes, I remembered that much about this episode

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Okay, s-

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Fucking Dailymotion...

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-so this episode opens up with Spike and his big red dog wagon, packing it with shit for a picnic that he and...grr..Twilight Sparkle...are preparing to watch some comet shower thing that happens once every 100 years or so I think. Twilight "safe space's" the fuck out of Spike as she compliments him for being her number one assistant. Spike milks it for all he's got, but Twilight catches on and laughs it off. Too bad she won't be "catching on" to very much later in this episode. Twilight remembers she wanted to bring her immortality bible Astronomer's Almanac to the shower, but then Spike sneezes on it and burns it.

I guess that book just got roasted.

Spike makes up some bullshit excuse about not being able to find the book, and they run off to the celebration without it. There, all of Twilight's friends are sitting 'round, where they praise Spike some more for his doing of the shit and what not. You know what just occurred to me? This doesn't happen...like...ever. Spike isn't praised. He's used. Why the special occasion? Plot convenience, of course. After some meteors plummet to the Earth and cause unfathomable havoc somewhere, the Ponyville cunts are amused as Spike falls asleep in the punch. Subsequently, Pinkie Pie makes the genius joke that the punch has been "spiked."

He's not sleeping. He's dead.

At home, Spike sleeps while Twilight fails to do a goddamned thing on her own. The clumsy ass purple pony managed to let the review or whatever she was writing blow into the wind as her window was open. Cursing her name, Twilight gets antsy and nervous, and clearly too afraid to go outside. All is fine, however, as her paper is returned to her by a mysterious owl. Twilight thanks the owl, but after the animal shows concern for going back outside to the cold winds and what not (right, are we still in the spring, or did we do a mid-season time jump again due to poor episode placement?), she allows it to stay with her inside where it is warm. Twilight, at some point during the night, decides that she wants to keep the fucker as a pet and names it Owlowlicious. That's a terrible, stupid name, by the way. It's awkward to say and doesn't have any kind of dignity.

Yes, so, Celestia has a Phoenix, and Twilight gets the owl. I bet Luna has a pet rock.

Spike wakes up to notice that he's been asleep too long, and missed all of his morning chores. Worried, he comes to Twilight seeking forgiveness when he finds that she's stolen what should have been Luna's pet got a new assistant. Owlowiscious decided to do all of Spike's morning chores to give him time to relax. I personally would've been like "fuck yeah, bitch," but I'm lazy. Obviously, since Spike cares so much about his job, he gets rather annoyed. As Twilight leaves the two to get acquainted, Spike and Owlowiscious don't exactly...hit it off. In fact, he's quite confrontational, and tells the owl to back off. A "who" owl joke peruses.

Back off! Twilight's MY girlf- I mean -slaveowner!

Later, Spike notices the cooing over Owlowiscious. If he wasn't jealous enough by that, Twilight's asshole friends give that damned owl all the same compliments he did Spike. Rarity even made him the same bow that she did for Spike earlier in the episode. So easy to switch to a new dick, you whore. This pisses our little friend off, which sparks conversation between the ponies about his psyche. Fluttershy suggests that Spike might be jealous, but Twilight dismisses it because she's a dumbass. You know, for the "smartest" character in the series, I've noticed Twilight has a habit of being really stupid. Fuck her. Meanwhile, Twilight finds out that Spike burned that book thing and becomes disappoint.

Woke up / fell out of bed / dragged a book across my head

Spike accuses the owl of setting him up. So he starts to embark on a quest to frame the owl for being a shitty assistant, therefore making him look better by comparison. He comes up with the idea of taking a toy mouse, tearing it apart, and covering it ketchup as fake blood and accusing the owl of killing it. The imagery of this scene is actually really dark for MLP standards. I know it's a fake mouse and fake blood, but holy shit, they were really going for accuracy with this scene. This is one point that a lot of pussy reviewers complain about, but fuck them, that scene was awesome.

Hey! That looks just like the Eskimos I killed!

This pisses Twilight off even more, considering she knows it's not real. Spike subsequently gets depressed and decides to leave Twilight, thinking she doesn't love him anymore and that she'd be better off that way I assume. Packing up all two of his personal belongings (I'm sure both legally belong to Twilight by slave laws), he heads for the Everfree Forest, leaving a ketchup trail behind him. It starts to rain, so he runs into a cave, full of gems. Excited by the beautiful gems, he starts to eat them. However, a bigger, more ferocious dragon is actually stockpiling the gems, and is quite pissed that this baby bitch just ran in and ate his treasure. A battle ensues, and Spike is losing terribly. Not to worry, though, as Owlowiscious has come to save the day!

You better run all day and run all night / And keep your dirty feelings deep inside / And if your takin' your girlfriend out tonight / You better park the car well out of sight / 'Cos if they catch you in the back seat trying to pick her locks / They're gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box / You better run!

Owlowiscious pisses off the dragon long enough for Twilight to snatch Spike and have all three of them escape. However, it's dark, and Twilight can't see very well. Instead of using a light spell like Snails the Mudfuck used in "Boast Busters", Twilight allows Owlowiscious to lead the way. After escaping the Dragon's clutches, Twilight explains that she does still love/need Spike, and that she only uses the owl for her help at night when Spike can't. Even though, you know, THIS EPISODE TOOK PLACE ENTIRELY DURING THE DAY. After learning a lesson about jealousy and not being a prick, Spike writes his first letter to Celestia.

I would fall asleep writing a letter to Princess Celestia too. She's a basic bitch......................and a conspiracy lord, but mostly a basic bitch.

And so ends the devil spawn that is "Owl's Well That Ends Well"

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Well, um, if you really think this episode is that horrible, err...

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have fun with that, ya cunt, because I disagree.

"Owl's Well That Ends Well" is no holy grail, but for fuck's sake, guys, it's not horrible. I mean, I've looked at a couple of different reviews for insight as to what could possibly piss people off about this episode, and only a few have made valid, complaint-worthy points. For one, I agree with the notion that the whole ending pretty much bites balls. Twilight's "explanation" for favoring Owlowiscious makes no sense when the episode took place during the day. If it was a series of night-time antics, it would've made more sense, and likely would have been written differently. However, it wasn't. All of Owlowiscious job-snatching tasks were done during the day, might I add, when owls aren't supposed to be awake, and it really makes it look like Twilight was intentionally being a dick. On top of that, I also agree that Twilight (and Rarity) were totally shitholes in this episode.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I've also heard the criticisms that Spike is out of character, and that his actions don't make sense. This is where I draw a huge fucking line. Spike, from my honest perspective, is perfectly in character here. Spike obviously takes a lot of pride in his slave work. He's also lived with Twilight his whole life. It's perfectly normal for him to feel threatened by Owlowiscious, who is doing all the work that Spike did and getting more praise. Yes, there's something wrong with that, but it's not Spike's fault. Spike is reacting to the shit cards he's been dealt with this episode's story. This is how I would expect Spike to act in this situation. Unfortunately, people have this habit of making up insane ideas for how Spike "should act" when he gets a focus episode, and they completely ruin his spotlights by bitching that they just can't write him right. I'll side with that stupid group when it's called for, but this episode is not one of them. So get your heads out of your asses.

I will not defend "Owl's Well That Ends Well" as a good episode. It's got some serious, annoying problems. However, I think this episode is the biggest example, in season one at least, of pretentious over-analyzation. "Owl's Well That Ends Well" is harmless. Maybe it causes more of an impact because it's technically the first Spike episode, but for God's sake, it does no more damage to anything around it than "Green Isn't Your Color". I certainly don't think this episode was as sloppy a work as others make it out to be, and I will not conform to these ideals whatsoever. This episode deserves a solid 6/10 as a rating for some of its poorer aspects, but also its redeemable aspects as far as fleshing out the character of Spike, which I will constantly argue that this episode handles very well given the flaws.

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And...you know what...

...I think this episode, at least its aftermath, has taught me a valuable lesson about over-analyzation.

Sure, picking apart an episode is fun. Hell, getting angry at an episode is fun. But when you go to impossible and absolutely ridiculous extremes to rip apart something, whether or not it deserves any kind of negative criticism, that's when you need to chill the fuck out. Serious criticism is only valid when it has logical grounds, and to make up your own assumptions and connections merely to justify your own ideas or to "fit in with a crowd" is not admirable. Granted, I've only been guilty of this once.

...No, it's not with "Crusaders of the Lost Fuck-Up". I've thoroughly explained the perfectly justifiable reasons for my hatred.

...No, it's not "Simple Ways", that episode is still pretty terrible (though, CotLM is starting to outweigh it in shittiness)

It's this whole Twilight is Immortal campaign.

*sigh* ...Just...just tear down the posters. Stop the rallying. There's nothing to be worked up about. So what if Twilight's immortal? I mean, she's gonna be a princess in season three. Perhaps that's part of the package anyway (though I enjoy seeing the debates on this). There's no reason to rip apart the ideals of Celestia, or the First Church of Cupcakes, or whatever other story I made up conspiracies that might be out there. Season one is ending soon, and I need that wrap-up to make an overall, sound judgement on this "incredible" show's first season without the revolution up my ass. So, please, stop protesting. The day of reckoning has reached midnight. It's over.

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Oh, there was no protesting?

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Oh.

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Fuck.