For most of my life, I've been keeping things to myself. I was always afraid of what others would think of me from my previous experiences. I don't want anypony to think of me in a bad way. That's why I've been keeping my secrets to myself. And that's what I think makes me so unlikable. I just don't want anypony to think badly of me. 

At the same time, I feel like I'm hoping for something that will never happen. And feeling hopeless and full of despair is just a slower way of being dead. Right now, after I returned to the forums, my mind is stuck in a debate if it is worth living anymore or to just end it all. The confusion scares me. The ponies I have met are here so nice, yet the outside world is horrible...

When I don't know which way to turn, slowly I fall. I was actually afraid of having friends again, and I didn't expect ponies to even get to know me that well. I didn't even think they would acknowledge me. I didn't even think I would get noticed. I didn't even think I would be visible to them in the forums.

This is because I am extremely paranoid of my last experience with having friends, because they betrayed me. That's why I am so nervous and socially awkward around new ponies. I'm actually scared of making friends, because I don't want to lose another one. The feeling is unbearable of not being good enough for them. I remember my stomach dropped, a huge headache kicked in as so many thoughts rushed through my mind, and my heart was broken for days. It's sad how they claimed to love and care for me, and yet they replaced me so quickly. I was forgotten. 

I gave up on almost everything, from school and work to Xbox and drawing, and life itself. I was broken. I was scared of how much pain I would cause others. "Didn't they like me? Was I not nice to them? Did I do anything mean?" So many thoughts rushed through my head for the last 5 years. I had no friends for the longest time. No one to talk to. No one to understand me. No one to be there for me.

I am liked by other ponies here, and for some reason, I still don't know why they would care for me. Am I really that likeable? Am I really caring? I don't know. But what I do know, is that I am so grateful for their kindness, and that's something I would never forget. But the thing is, I don't think I would ever get better. Seeing them care for such a hopeless pony like me, breaks my heart at the same time...

Most of my life I had been In a state of confusion, despair, fear and trauma. Hopeless, but hoping.