I hate myself.....What is new?
So, this is going to be difficult to explain. I will probably retread over bullshit that I have said before so this is going to be boring and accomplish nothing.
As a person, I make no sense whatsoever. I hate myself with a deep passion yet I like my personality, for the most part. Overall though, I just hate my very being. I just have no place in this world. Or do I? I don't even know.
I am always thinking, constantly thinking about whatever. Whether it be ideas for something, or just depressing thoughts, or just random stuff. I always compare myself with others, because I want to feel like I have a damn purpose. Everyone else is better than me though,at most things. Should that matter? Again, I do not know. I just wish there was something that I was good at, everything I do is mediocre or boring.
I do not do much in my life. My days mostly consist of staying at home, listening to music, browsing the forums, maybe playing a video game, and maybe doing something productive, but barely. I don't work. Yeah, I am a useless sack of shit to society. I get SSI. If that is a crime, then kill me now. I was deemed worthy of it thanks to three mental professionals thanks to my severe Aspergers Syndrome, constant anxiety, and to a lesser extent Hydrocephalus. I have brought this stuff up before, but I am doing it again.
I want to be happy with my life. I have no big career planned for myself, nor do I have any interest going to college like all the best people seem to do. I just want a simple life of happiness. I try as hard as I can to appreciate the little things, but nothing works now, because I see myself as a useless wretch, a scar upon this world.
I honestly wish I was someone else....Like I said, I like my personality, but my cons far outweigh the pros. You might be thinking, 'Why don't you do something about it?'Maybe I cannot do so. Human beings are flawed, one way or another, some drastically more than others. Some of us cannot change the way we are. I cannot change how my messed up brains functions, I was born the way I am. I would say it is a good thing since my f*cked up mind is the cause of my unique personality, but it is also a curse, causing my worthlessness to everyone and my constant self-loathing and depression.
That is another thing I want to bring up, humans. Many overly positive people want to assume that everyone has a purpose. Why do they think that? Is it some hopeless attempt at trying to brighten up this dark world? Is it just because they have something in life? It could be anything, this subject will not get me far.
What the fuck can I do honestly? All I want is happiness. I try as hard as I can to stay out of everyone's way, and I do, but I always come back to feeling completely useless to this world. I truly have nothing to live for. I hate myself because of this. I feel like I am unworthy of friends, of love...But am I REALLY? Is it true, or is it just my mind thinking this way and it is NOT true? I do not know what to think anymore. Perhaps I am just crazy. I don't know what to do.
I fear that one day, I will be entirely alone. I mentioned this in my last blog, but it is a sad truth. Thanks to my problems, who would want me?
I am sorry for posting this.....I truly do not want to feel this way anymore...like I said, I just want to be happy. I am probably just posting this for attention, who knows, but I have no bad intentions. I just do not know how to feel anymore. I am lost, alone, and afraid of the world around me. All I do is judge myself due to what others do. I don't want to do it anymore, but still I do.
I just..don't know anymore. I don't think there is anything can be done by others to help me, I am just too complicated. I make no sense, if you cannot already tell by this post. If you read this whole thing, I feel sorry for your mind, because this post makes no sense. It more than likely appears to be the rambling of someone gone mad and it probably is. I guess it just feel nice knowing that my voice may very well be heard by someone.
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