You may have read the Half-Life fanfiction "Half-Life: Full Life Consequences". It sucks. Sure, it's hilarious how bad it is, but the fact still remains that it's terrible. I liked the story though, so I decided to rewrite it in such a way that it's actually intelligible to human beings.

John Freeman, Gordon Freeman’s oft forgotten brother, had just arrived for work at the office. As he did every day, he sat down in front of his desk and logged in to his computer. John began to write his morning report. After half an hour of work, he noticed that he had received an email from his brother. Curious, he clicked on it. He was taken aback by the contents: “John! I don’t have much time! You’ve gotta help me! I’m in Ravenholm! Something happened, the Combine forces have returned, and they’re stronger than ever! Please hurry!” “Oh, God! Gordon’s in trouble! I’ve got to save him!” John’s mind was racing. “I know! I’ll take my motorbike! I just hope it’s fast enough…”

John made his way down to the parking garage at the bottom of the office building. “Hope I left some fuel in the bike…” To his relief, the bike did indeed have a full tank of gas. He started it up and wrenched the accelerator. He sped out of the garage and onto the highway. As he raced down the road, a wave of panic hit him like a pail of cold water. “Oh, shit! I forgot all my weapons! Well, it’s too late now…” He drove on, careful to avoid any zombies in his path.

While he was traveling down the road, he was struck by how gorgeous the countryside was. The birds were singing, the flora was lush and green, and the sunset cast a beautiful orange glow over the trees. It was as if the mood had been set for the impending battle. The stunning vistas inspired John. “Today is a good day to save a brother.”

Unfortunately, the “inspiring” moment had caused John to lose valuable time. “No! I’m already late! I have to get moving!” He twisted the accelerator handle as far as it would go. Unbeknownst to him, there was a State Patrol officer hidden in the trees. In his haste, John had neglected to obey the speed limit. *Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo!* “NO NO NO!!!” John panicked. “I can’t afford to lose this much time!” But he had no choice. After all, better to be held up for a few minutes instead of trying to escape and end up in prison. “Afternoon, officer!” said John. “Son, do you know how fast you were going?” The officer asked Freeman. “Uh… No. See, I’ve got somewhere really important that I need to be. I need to get there as quick as possible.” “Important or not, son, the law is the law. I’m going to let you off with a warning this time, but if I catch you again, I’ll have to ta… AAAAGGGHH!!!” The officer was suddenly attacked by a Headcrab. “Oh, shit!” Freeman gasped. The officer tried to fight, but to no avail. The Headcrab latched on to his face and took control of his body. “I’m sorry, officer…” Freeman morosely whispered. John grabbed the officer’s gun from his belt and the officer in the head. “Great. I killed a policeman, and I’m no closer to finding Gordon.” John thought. He returned to his motorcycle and sped off. “I’ve got to go faster than fast if I want to save Gordon…” said John.

After hours of riding, John finally noticed a sign directing him to Ravenholm. Someone had scrawled a message into the sign: “You shouldn’t come here!!!” “Well, it’s a bit too late for that now, isn’t it?” Freeman said sarcastically. Suddenly, a scream came from inside the town. “That sounds like Gordon!” With renewed resolve, he raced into the town.

John Freeman arrived at the center of Ravenholm. He used his motorcycle to take out some zombies. Dismounting his trusty bike, he began to search through the piles of rubble all around him. He noticed an Overwatch Pulse Rifle beneath the remains of a building. He extracted the gun from the debris, checking to make sure it was loaded. “Hehe…” John thought to himself.

John heard the scream of his brother coming from the east side of town. He ran towards the scream as fast as he could go. Freeman was disgusted by the state of Ravenholm. There were no plants or animals to be found, the sky was ominous and dark, and the ground was covered in blood.

John turned a corner to see his brother in an intense battle with a group of Striders. Gordon called to his brother: “Hey, John! What took you so long! Get over here, I need some help!” John rushed to Gordon’s aid. John gave him some ammo for his Pulse Rifle. Together, they dispatched the horde of Striders.

“Thanks, John.” Gordon said. “I thought I was a goner for sure!” “No problem, bro!” John replied. “Let’s get outta here!” They began to head for John’s bike.

*Kroom!*

A shot rang out as Gordon dropped dead, felled by a Combine sniper.

To be continued…?