So i just had some odd thoughts as in what am i missing out on?
After losing my IRL friends i realised that they never really were my friends at all;
I was just someone who 'tagged along' because one person wanted me to be there.
Rather than lifting my spirit and accepting me for who I am, I've never been able to be myself and they continuesly made fun of me, blocked me out, and whenever I asked them what was wrong when something had happened or why we couldn't go do something together it was always just 'well.. yeahh ummm.."
They always hated my taste for music even though I grew to like it because of the one who pulled me in- thankful for that cause it keeps my head up -
But.. they never told me anything, spewed on the things i liked and never really got to know me. after 10+ years all they ever knew was that I like to draw but not what, or the things i truly liked.
I still remember one night year's eve they'd make fun of me time to time to time again till i just wanted to leave and that's also the last one i've spend with them because the year after I lost contact with everyone -- My ex manipulated me to not do stuff with them, played on my anxiety and made me lose my mind.. but now that i think about it.. they never really were my friends.
Friends would open up to eachother and would accept what the other person likes regardless of if they like it or not, not spew on it because whatever.
I never realised how blind I was to that because all I wanted was to belong. 
I suppose this is the way you become after being bullied so much and getting mental issues, all you want is to belong. Regardless if they care for you or not. You turn a blind eye to all the pain and just smile.
I still remember how they spewed on pokémon cause I had a game on my NDS for it and the other did too but they were quiet when she played it and she played pokémon go with two of them who hated it.
"Childish,disgraceful, etc"
I felt i couldn't be myself around them, always hiding myself away. Crying at my room but smiling at them no matter how hard the situations were. I didn't cry at them when people in my family died, i just smiled.
This is just how blind i've been, I put up a wall for them. To not see any emotions other than a smile and a laugh, no matter how fake that was.
Now after this time of no longer being friends I've learned that there's one person who understood me and stood by me and the odd thing is that this is a person from Deviantart. Someone who didn't judge me for my looks, personality or the things I liked.
They have always told me "I just want you happy." I've never forgotten that, It was about then that realization hit me, this is what friends are meant to be like. Loving you regardless of what you like or do. Not tell you off for anything, make you feel bad for who you are and what you like. Making you feel disgusted with yourself.
To this day that person still supports me, my art, anything i like. He doesn't judge what i like instead he just supports it and tries to let me talk about it to my hearts content.
The only person i fully open up to and who knows me as I am, he hasn't dealt with my icky personality though because with him I don't get those harmful feelings where I endanger myself or others.. Just calm.
It's odd right?
