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Ron Jeremy

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Blog Entries posted by Ron Jeremy

  1. Ron Jeremy
    I RELLY HAET DA NES ITS A RELLY FUKEN TERIBLE SYTSEM N SIHT B/C IT DUSNT HAV A SIHTLODE OF BUTONS N CONRTOL STIX ESPECIALY ONS U CAN CLIK 4 SUM RESIN N SOULDR BUTONS ESPECALY ONS DAT U CAN PUS 2 VARIN DEGRES 4 SUM RESIN DA PPL HO LIK DA NES SAY DAT DA BUTONS IT HAS R ENOGH BUT I TINK TEHRE LYIN U CANT PLAY CAL OF DUTY W/ NES CONTROLR
     
    DA GRAFICS R RELLY FUKEN SIHTY B/C DEY ARNT 3D N SIHT N ITS AL BLOKY N NOT HD N DA COLROS R LIMTED HO CAN U HAV GLOSY MEN IN SEPATONE RUNNIN AROUND SHOTIN PPL W/ BLOCY ASS GRAPIS N LIMTED COLORS U CANT TAHTS Y DA CONSL IS 4 DUMASES N STUF LIK TAHT U NO WAT I MENE N STUF
  2. Ron Jeremy
    SO LIK UM UH WE AL NO DAT IPOHNE W/E PONEI GAME RITE? WEL I TIHNK IT FUKEN SUX SO DEY SHUD MAK A BETER PONEY GAME N SIHT
     
    4 EXAMPL IT SHUD HAV A GUD STOREY W/ KILIN N STUF B/C DA MY LITLE PONEY GAM BASD ON CRATON SHUD BE RATD M FOR MATUR WTF IS A MATURE ANWYAYS DID SUM DUMAS 4GET HOW TO SPELL NATUR
     
    BUT YEA TEHRE SHUD BE KILIN N BOOBS N GUNS N BOOBS KILLIN PPL W/ GUNS N LOTS OF EROTISISM AND W/E B/C ITS A PONEY GAM N DAT STUF IS RELLY COLL PONEY STUFF
     
    SO IT WUD BE A FPS WIT KILIN N PORN N GUNS N SIHT N RATED M FOR NATURE N DERED BE EPIC GIBS N SIHT N U CUD STRANGL PPL N TEHRE EYS WUD BULG N DEY DIE N UR CHAR SES SUMTIN LIK I GOT A CUTY MARK 4 KILIN N DEN U BUY MOR DLC 2 PLAY DA NEXT PART OF DA GAM
  3. Ron Jeremy
    SO LIK UM UH PPL RELLY LIK 2 GO ON ABOT TIHS BANJO KAZOI GAME N Y ITS SO GUD BUT I TIHNK ITS A RELY SIHTY GAM B/C U HAV 2 FIND DESE NOTS N PUZLE PECES N OTEHR CRAP N I HAT IT B/C ITS ON DA NITEDO 46 WICH WAS B4 HD N SIHT (AT LEST IT WASSNT LIK DA SEGE GENSIS WICH LISE N SAY IT HD) N I DONT LIK IT
     
    BANJA TOEY GOT A CUPLE PARTS OF DA GAME RITE IT HAS TEHSE SHOTER PARTS WIT MINS N BOMS N STUF LIK TAHT N IT SHUD HAV BEN DA FUL GAM LIK DAT B/C DAT WOUD BE COLL N I WUD PLAY IT I DONT GET Y PPL WANT MRO GAMS N DA SERIS WEN ITS SO BAD Y DONT TEHY STRAT BEIN FANS OF DA CAL OF DTUY SERIS B/C DAT 1 IS RELLY FUKIN GUD N IT GETS SEQELS MAD 4 IT DALY
     
    DA CHARS HAV SHITY NAMS 2 I MENE BAJNO KAZOIEY THOS ARE FUKEN INSTROMINTS TEHY SOND BAD DEY SHUD HAV BADAS NAMS LIK MANGL N SLICE OR SUMTIN B/C KILIN IS BADAS YEAH MAK DEM A PARE OF SERAL KILERS AND HAV MANGL BE DA MIAN 1 N HAV SLICE BE ATACHD 2 HIS BAK KINDA LIK KOOATO FRUM DAT TATOL RECAL MOVI N SLICE WUD US A NIFE N DAT WUD BE KEWL
     
    AT LEST RAR IS BEIN FORCD BY GOOD OL MICROSIFT 2 MAK GAMES LIK KINNECT SPROTS N THOS AR AT LEST BETER GAMES TEHN DA CRAPY BAJNO KAZOEY SERIS N STUFF LIK TAHT U NO WAT I MENE
  4. Ron Jeremy
    SO LIK UM UH I WUS SAYIN TAHT I HAT OTEHR GENRS DAT ARNT FPS BUT I RELLY LOV MOMRGPS B/C TEHY HAV DA GAMPLYA I RELLY LIK W/O DA TIHNKIN N OTEHR NRED SIHT N STUF LIK TAHT U NO WAT I MENE
     
    1; DONT STOP GRIDIN IF U STOP GRIDIN LIK U HAV TO GO 2 A PARTY OR FUNRAL OR SUMTIN DEN PUNSH URSLEF BY STARVN URSELF FRO A BIT OR CUTIN URSELF
     
    2: SET URSELF AN AMONT OF OURS A DAY 2 GRIDN LIK 4 HORS OR SO A DAY IF U DONT GRID DAT MUC LIK SAY U GRID ONL 2 HUORS 1 DAY DEN U HAV TO GRNID 6 OURS DA NXT
     
    3; IF U HAV IRL FRIEDS GET RID OF DEM B/C DEY WIL TRY 2 GET U 2 STPO PLAYIN DA MMOPRPGS N U DONT WANT DAT B/C GANIN LEVLS N DA GAM IS IMPROTAT
     
    45: SPED OURS GETIN EQIUPS N DA GAME B/C DATS WAT U SHOD US UR TIME 2 DO SUR U CUD BETE DA ENTIRTY OF FFVII N DA TIM IT TAKS U 2 GET SUM RAR WEPON BUT Y IS TAHT A BAD TING IF DAT GAME IS SHITY ANWYAYS
     
    5: HAV FUN
     
    DIS WAS A PONSLAYR GIUDE PLS DONT STELE IT IF U DO ILL WILL BE MAD N STUF LIK TAHT U NO WAT I MENE
  5. Ron Jeremy
    I RELLY HAT TEHM RPGS (MORE LIK RPGABARGE RITE LOOOOL) B/C THIER NERD STUF 4 WUSY LOSRS N TEHY MAK U HAV TO WATE N STUF I DONT WANT 2 WIAT N SIHT LIK TAHT I WANT TO PRES DA TRIGER N SHOT SOM BITHES NOT TAHT DUMAS STUF W/ DA NUMERS DAT U HAV 2 WATE N STUF TEHRS NO SCOPIN OR SHOTIN U HAV 2 THIK NSTED OF JSUT LININ UP A CIRCL OVR A HED N PRESIN A BUTON 2 SNIPE N I RELLY HATE TAHT N STUF LIK TAHT U NO WAT I MENE
     
    N DA HEROS R RELLY GRILY N STUF TEHY DONT HAV MUSLES SHOWIN N HOLIN GUNS N STUF NO DEY JUTS USE SORDS N STUF N NOT DA BADAS KIND DA KIND DEY KIL DRANOGS W/ N SIHT DATS RELLY DUMM N STUF Y CANT RPGS JUTS BE RAEL GENER LIK FPS N STUF?
     
    EVEN WOROSE IS DA MUSIC ITS LIK RELLY GOD N STUF WICH PISES ME OFF LIK LOOK AT
    IT PISES ME OF B/C ITS ON SUM DUMAS RPG N NOT DA SONDTRAC TO SHOOTIN ALEINS OR ZOMBES OR ALEIN ZOMBS DAT WUD BE RELLY COOL N STUF LIK TAHT U NO I TINK ILL WILL GO PLY CAL OF DUTY N HALO AT SAM TIME PRETEDIN TEHRE DA SAM GAME NOW N STUF LIK TAHT U NO WAT I MENE
  6. Ron Jeremy
    DATS RIGTH PONESLAYR DUSNT JUST DO PONEIS ANYMROE NSTED PONESLAYR IS GUNA BE DOIN VIDEO GAME STUF TAHT MEANS COMENTRY ON NEWS N REVEWS N OTEHR STUF RELATDE TOO VEDIO GAMES
     
    TO STRAT: WTF IS WIT DA HATE FRO THE XBOXONE ON DA INTRNET ITS NAME IS RELLY COLL N THA KINNEKT IS RELLY FUKEN AWSOM IMMA GONNA LUV BEIN FORSD 2 USE IT N STUF LIK TAHT U NO
     
    ALSO DOSE PC GAMERS R TTLY DUMASES LOL B/C GAMIN IS STUF U DO ON CONSOLS N PCS ARNT CONSOLS SO PC GAMERS ARENT RELE GAMERS NEWAYS IM LOKIN FROWAD TOO WATHCIN MANLY SPROTS ON MY XBOX LIK A RELE GAMER
  7. Ron Jeremy
    I THNIK TAHT FPSES AR THE BEST GENERS B/C U CAN SHOOT PPL N STUF LIK DAT SO I LUVE FPSES B/C AL DA MANSTREME ONS 2DAY ARE TH SAM AND SHIT LIK TAHT U KNO N I CAN PRTED TEHY R AL DA SAME SERIS BCUS THEY PARCITALY AR LOK AT DA FANS OF DAT SHITY BANO-KAZOEY SERIES TEHY SAY DEY WISH IT WAS STIL GOIN ON 4 SUM RESIN BUT WIT MODREN FPSES I PRETED TEHY ALL 1 SERIS LIK I SAD EARLIR SO ILL WILL NEVER BE SAD WEN 1 SERIS END
     
    I HAT HAVIN 2 GET USD 2 NEW STUF LIK DAT SHITY NINETUDO DAT DUS DA STIPUD STUF TEHY CAL INOVATIN DAT MENES TEHRE GAMS ARENT AL CAL OF WARFIELDUTYLO N I CANOT JUST SHOTO THE GOMBASS N KOPAS WIT A MACIN GUN
     
    COM 2 THIKN OF IT MY LITLE PONEY NEDES A FRIST PESRON SHOTER MABE UD BE FITIN CRYSALS N HER CHANGLINS WUD BE TURNIN INTO PONEYS N SIHT N UD HAV 2 SHOT TEHM DED N IT WUD BE RATED E 4 EVOR1 TAHTD BE RELLY COLL
  8. Ron Jeremy
    SO LOTS OF PPL SAY TAHT DA GOLDN AG OF GAMIN IS OVR N DAT CREATIVY IN MANSTREME GAMES IS DED N STUF WEL I TINK TAHTS A GUD TING U NO Y? BCUS B4 DA AGE OF XBOX N STUF LIK TAHT VERY FEW GAMS WERE FPSES I MEAN WEN DOOM WAS CRATED IN 19993 AL GAMS FROM TAHT PONIT SHUD HAV BEN FPESES BUT DEY WERENT TEHY WERE MAKIN PLATFOMRES N STUF WICH ARNT EVEN FPSES DA ONLY RELE GENER I MENE Y WER GAMES LIK DOKNEY KONG CUONTRY BEIN MAD N 1994 WEN FPSES WER MAD N 1993?
  9. Ron Jeremy

    MY THOTS ON EQG

    By Ron Jeremy,

    I THINK IT RELLY SUX N STUF BCUZ ITS DUMMM ITS BEN A LONGAS TIM SINC I LAST MADE 1 OF DOSE BLOG ETREIS SO IM DOIN IT NWO BCUS DIS SHO IS GUNNA BE DA END OF DA FANDOM I MENE LOOK AT AL DA DARMA ITS CAUSIN AND 4 SUM RESIN IM ADDIN 2 IT BY MAKIN DIS BUT O WEL ITS EQESTSO GRILS FALT B/C IT DONT EVEN EXITS YET RELLY N ITS KILIN KITENS IN PUPEYS
     
    ...
     
    Now that you survived that comedy bit, my real thoughts?
     
    Where the hell is all this "Love and Tolerance" the fandom always talks about? Both sides of the argument are at each other's throats about the whole thing when it isn't even out yet. Why not just simmer the hell down?
     
    I'm not gonna take a side in it, really, because I don't think the trailer looked horrible, but then again I know how horribly trailers can misrepresent the product they're trying to advertise, for better or worse.
     
    If the fandom doesn't like it... so? It's not for the fandom. It's for little girls. Far too much the fandom has been forgetting that we're not the target audience, of both EQG and FiM. The show is targeted primarily at young girls. We just happen to watch it. You should expect girly things from it from time to time. If you want some kind of fantasy epic, go watch a fantasy epic. Don't expect it out of something that isn't a fantasy epic.
     
    So, here's my stance on the whole mess. Take a chill pill.
  10. Ron Jeremy
    Lloyd Kaufman being in an episode of AVGN reviewing the Toxic Crusaders games is the most awesome thing ever.
     
    Well, not the most awesome thing ever, but still pretty awesome. It will get people who don't know who he is, what Troma is, and what the Toxic Avenger is to look them up.
     
    [Not linking it here due to... well... do I even need to explain?]
     
    But yeah, the internet's a funny thing. A guy can create a series and get popular enough to make a movie and have guest stars on his show, something that would require being a part of the Hollywood crap to do before the internet. Maybe it's a sign that some day film-making will go back to the people who enjoy movies and out of the hands of the pigs who traded all their creativity for solid gold yachts and cocaine.
     
    Eh, optimism's cool and all but that'll never happen.
     
    Anyways, about those game lists I said I'd do: Well, they might be delayed a bit due to reasons and stuff. Don't worry, I will get them up sometime, and most likely start with the NES.
  11. Ron Jeremy
    Yes, that one guy who used to be active but really isn't anymore is making a blog entry about his boring life. Or, somewhat of a wild goose chase due to -events- causing shopping online to not be an option. Deal with it. Also, new emoticons? Where's the Fluttershy glasses emote? Ah well.
     
    Anyways, for some time now, I've been meaning to get Kirby's Return to Dream Land whenever I had the money to, and that finally happened recently. So, I'd looked at the local stores such as Greed*Mart and they didn't have it, so I checked online and read that Target and Best Buy are supposed to have it. Those are a bit of a drive away from where I am, but my mom offered to take me so I went. Target didn't have it, or even have space where they could have had it in stock but then sold them out.
     
    Across from Target is a Greed$top, and as much as I abhor them, I had to check since it didn't hurt. I go in, look, there are none, neither new or used. I ask the guy, and he tells me that the only one nearby that has it is one way across town and that it's used. Surprisingly friendly guy, actually. Of course, it's Greed$top, and he told me the used price is five dollars less than the new price. AKA, typical Greed$top bullshit, and anybody who collects video games knows to only rely on them as a last resort. I kept the info on my mind in case all else failed, then remembered there's a Best Buy not too far away.
     
    Being an ever-pessimist, I doubt the Best Buy will have the game. Note, not a regular at Best Buy or knowledgeable on their business practices, so no quips here. I mean, the obvious places didn't even have traces of it, so why would Best Buy? I chalked its scarcity up to stores clearing out stuff for the Wii U. So, I walk into the Best Buy and approach the video game section. I gaze upon a copy of Kirby's Return to Dream Land. 50 bucks, brand new, which is great considering Greed$top wanted 45$ for a used copy, which, knowing Greed$top, wouldn't have been in its original case and would have instead been in a beat-to-shit generic case with artwork that looks worse than a 11-year-old's MS Paint DeviantArt Sonic OC avatar, or, if it had its original case, it would look, feel, and smell like The Toxic Avenger took a dump on and/or inside of it it.
     
    Ended the longer-than-expected trip with a sugary-ass melon-flavored drink that tasted really good, and a slight headache all the way home.
     
    So, I got the game, and it's as good as I expected so far. It's funny, I seem cursed when it comes to buying games in the Kirby series. Shipping problems with one game, overpriced-ness with another, and now this.
     
    Since the topic of this is kinda video game prices, it got me thinking. If I made a list of a few games for a few platforms that are cheap/affordable and quite good, but not well-known, would anybody be interested?
  12. Ron Jeremy
    As a person who collects gaming stuff, sports games have always baffled me for quite a few reasons.
     
    For example, why do they need to release slightly-tweaked versions of them what seems like every five seconds? Go to the store, it's [generic football game title here] [year here] all the time. Go to a local game store and there's shelves of sports games on every platform, usually gathering dust. It's a common thing among collectors to be like "eh" when it comes to sports games. I mean, there are so many of them you could literally fill shelves with sports games for cheap and make it look like you have an impressive collection of video games. But then people would see they're all copies of Madden [year here] or FIFA [year here] and laugh at you.
     
    Another thing I don't get is, what's the demand for all these new releases? You can't make a sequel to football or soccer or basketball because they're sports with concrete rules. You can't just add a new mechanic like fatalities or something because then they wouldn't be "authentic". Sure, every once in a while you have sports games like Arch Rivals that try to change it up, but they aren't the Madden [year here]s, the NBA [year here]s, [sports game followed by year here]s, they don't get endlessly released time and time again. What I'm trying to say is, the rules of sports don't change, so why not just release a single football game, soccer game, basketball game etc. for each console generation? Especially with DLC being a thing that exists?
     
    Sure, there are other games in other genres that get a ton of new games in them, but they're actual sequels, not just slight tweaks. The Mario series for example. First game set the groundwork, second game had interesting mechanics such as multiple playable characters, thrown projectiles, and many characters that stuck in the series. (Yes, I know some people don't consider the SMB2 most of the world got the "real" SMB2 but I don't care. It's a Mario game in my opinion.) Third game added an overworld, powerup suits. Fourth game added Yoshi, the cape, secret exits.
     
    (Most) game series in the sports genre are condemned to an existence where innovation cannot be done. Sure, they can add fancy graphics, replays and things like that, but they can't change the fact that they're based on sports grounded in reality. The only established series I can really think of that actually changes the formula up is the Mario Sports series, which adds powerups and such. And that's because they do it right. They allow room for creativity and innovation by basing them on the Mario universe, which is not grounded in reality, instead of creating a product released every five seconds with a sports person mugging it up on the cover and more product placement than a NASCAR garage. By not basing it on real, roid-raging athletes, they don't have to follow the rules of the "real" sport. They can add unique mechanics, such as powerups and abilities.
     
    And here's a question I've been asking for some time. Who is buying these generic sports games? Think about it. Nobody ever talks about sports games. On the internet, you see discussion for games of all other genres pop up in chat rooms, forums, etc. but who ever makes "The Madden [year here] discussion thread"? Who ever says "Dude, let's go play some Madden [year here]!". All the time these games are being sold dirt cheap at stores that sell used games, so that means somebody purchases them. The fact they keep manufacturing them means somebody purchases them. But when somebody buys a game and enjoys it, they tend to keep it. However, the massive amount of sports games at used game stores compared to the amount of non-sports games implies there is little demand for them. For every one copy of Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King they have at a video game store, they must have a dozen copies of Madden 2004.
     
    I'm genuinely curious who buys these games. I mean, they must be commercial successes because they obviously keep making them. If you happen to have purchased a copy of whatever latest big-name sports game is on the shelves this second, tell me in the comments. I'm interested in opinions from the opposite end of the spectrum.
  13. Ron Jeremy
    Yes, I know it's called Dragon Warrior VII because it was released before they started using the Dragon Quest name outside of Japan. Still going to call it Dragon Quest VII though.
     
    Recently, I finished playing Dragon Quest VII for the first time. Yes, I know, as a big fan of the series, this is a little shocking. But I just never got around to it. The game is legendary for being very slowly paced. A playthrough can take 70+ hours, depending on if you do optional things or not. I'll elaborate on the game itself.
     
    The game mostly follows the classic formula of the series, which means it is a traditional JRPG. No action bars that urge you to navigate the battle menus quickly, no gimmicks like that. Personally, I really like that. It does what it does well. I dislike turn-based RPGs that incorporate things that force you to make your selection quickly. It feels like they're trying to pretend to be an action game, where turn-based RPGs should be about being able to take the time and make a decision. It's the equivalent of trying to make a chess match seem lively by having a drill sergeant yelling at you to make your move. If I want fast-paced action, I'll pick up a game like Megaman X.
     
    Back on topic. About the plot: I won't spoil anything that isn't obvious within the first few minutes of the game, or told by the manual/etc. You play as the main character, who you name yourself. You and your party move throughout the world looking for stone shards, which open a portal to a missing land's past when you obtain all of the land's corresponding shards. There's always some kind of disaster occurring in said land, which you must work to fix, which usually involves killing a boss. When you succeed, you restore the world in the present, which you can then explore, and there are more things to do and more shards to recover. I know the way I'm describing it makes it sound overly simple and boring, but that's because I'm avoiding spoiling things.
     
    The game's writing is pretty good, actually. There are various spelling errors littered throughout dialogue on a couple occasions, but nothing too major. The most prominent I noticed was "eople" instead of "People", occurred twice throughout the game that I noticed. Considering how trashy JRPG translations were kind of known for being around the time, that's a minor problem.
     
    The game features art that I believe still holds up to this day. For a PS1 JRPG, that's a surprising thing. The game uses a combination of sprites and 3D models that looks really nice. Characters are sprites, buildings are models, some objects are sprites and some objects are models. You can also rotate the area to see behind objects, etc. which would be impossible if the game used pre-rendered backgrounds like many JRPGs did on the platform. The level of detail looks really nice, and ironically, the "problem" of the game using sprites back in the day is a blessing now, because games that tried to "push the bar" on the PS1 tended to look ugly. Admit it: Final Fantasy VII is hideous in many aspects. I look at it today and I'm not like "That's a guy standing in front of a building". I'm like "That's a chibi 3D model of a guy imposed over a 2D picture of a building. Completely pre-rendered backgrounds are poor at conveying depth. Just look at a video of a person playing Dragon Quest VII compared to a video of a person playing Final Fantasy VII and you'll probably understand what I'm saying.
     
    The game's music is excellent, as with the rest of the series. Very memorable, accompanies the setting well. Never gets grating at all.
     
    The battle screen looks like you'd expect for a game in the series. Enemies are represented by really nice looking 2D sprites with attack animations, and backgrounds have a nice level of detail to them. Battles are fought in the traditional Dragon Quest style. Spells and skills have animations, some of them 3D, some of them sprite-based. When enemies attack, they have animations for it, depending on if they physical attacked, used a skill or cast a spell. The animations are brief, look nice, and don't overstay their welcome. You don't have to worry about having to watch a 3-minute FMV every time an enemy uses a spell like the Sephiroth fight in Final Fantasy VII (Wow, I'm really ripping on that game now, aren't I?)
     
    The game features an extensive class system. There are 20 normal classes, and 34 monster classes. You pick low-level classes, and as you master classes (get them to their highest level through fighting battles), more become available. For example, if you master Mage and Cleric, Sage becomes available. If you master Dancer, Jester and Bard, TeenIdol becomes available. If you master Sage and Teenidol, Summoner becomes available. There is a bit of complexity to the class system. For example: If you master Warrior, then switch to Dancer before switching to any other class, you'll get Sword Dance, a skill that allows the user to attack 4 random enemies in a single turn, upon reaching Dancer level 5. Monster classes cannot be selected normally. You must own the corresponding monster heart to select the class, and higher-up classes require you to master specific lower monster classes, but do not require hearts themselves. Other than that, they work similar to regular classes, and mastering them gives the character the appearance of the monster whose class they have.
     
    The game does have some problems. Shards, which are 100% necessary to progress the story, can sometimes be difficult to find on your own if you don't pay enough attention to things like character dialogue, and don't look around for treasure chests and such. I only had this problem a couple times, and fortunately the internet exists and I was able to find what I'd missed the first time I was in an area, but others might not be as lucky.
     
    Overall though, I'd recommend this game to anybody that likes the Dragon Quest series, or even just PS1 JRPGs in general. Despite the shard problem, the occasional typo, and a couple groan-worthy FMV sequences, it's a solid title, with all sorts of little things on the side along with the main gameplay. There is a 3DS remake in Japan that I've heard corrects the game's problems (not counting translation issues because, well, it hasn't been translated to English), but it hasn't been released outside of Japan and there's been no word on whether or not it will be. If you've got a PS1, I'd recommend getting it wholeheartedly. If you've got a 3DS, and "primitive" JRPGs from the PS1 era turn you away, you might want to hold out and see if the remake gets released in English. Unless of course, you can read Japanese, obviously.
  14. Ron Jeremy
    So yesterday, I wrote about this -thing- being released on Steam. However, I was tired when I wrote that, and looking back on it, I feel like I come across as a twit. I complain about it, but don't really do a good job of conveying why I complain about it. So that's why I'm doing a follow-up to it.
     
    I dislike everything about the game being on Steam. I strongly believe in video games as art, and I see this game as a slap in the face to everything games in art can be. While I have not played it, I had seen a lot of material on the game as I formed this opinion. I won't complain about something without knowing what it is I'm complaining about.
     
    The game tries to sell itself as an art piece, but as one, it fails. First, I must get this out of the way since it's the butt of many jokes: They didn't bother double-checking the listing of the system requirements, and under the Mac RAM requirements, it says 3 MB, where it should say 3 GB. Making jokes about that is too easy, so I won't do it.
     
    So, I'm going to pick apart the way they describe the game, and chime in on things I think are wrong.
    The game is hardly visually interesting. You can find your own screenshots. Everything is given a washed-out look with effects that, honestly, kind of gives me a dull headache if I stare at them for more than a few seconds. It looks like Gears of War, no offense to fans of the series. An artistic game shouldn't look like that unless it is given an interesting twist and is visually pleasing to look at. For example, LIMBO, an example of games as art done right, is in black and white, but it has its own look to it which is aesthetically pleasing and helps give the game an excellent atmosphere. Bientôt l'été just looks like your graphics card is failing.
     
    The way I see it is: (no offense to those who may have enjoyed this game) This is to video games what things like people gluing a live bat to their nose, photographing peoples' responses and making paper mache goats out of the polaroids are to actual art.
     
    Bizarreness can make good art. But just being bizarre doesn't instantly make something art. You have to have some conventional aspects to something for it to be art, at least if you want it to be successful on a platform such as Steam. For example: Bastion, an indie game, is extremely bizarre when you think of its setting, plot and creature designs. But the reason players don't go "This is just weird. I'm out!" is because it sets up reasons, and it doesn't jump out at you and scream "Look at me! I'm mysterious and avant-garde!". It succeeds at bringing the player into a world where these concepts make sense. It doesn't just throw a floating bag of gas with a face at you. It sets up a world where that Gasbag is a creature in it.
     
    I also must comment in how putting this game on Steam probably wasn't exactly a wise business move for Valve. I mean, I understand it's on Steam because Valve offered contracts to all IGF finalists, but even considering that, there are far more interesting games with a far wider appeal on Greenlight. This game is, well, very specific in its (possibly nonexistent) audience. It seems like a very poorly planned business move by Valve to put this game on Steam. How do they expect to profit much from it? I don't know, I guess you could say this is a silly argument, but I kind of see it as a slap to the face to indie developers who have to struggle through Greenlight and gain the attention of potential buyers while this one indie game with little to offer gets to skip all that and get on Steam despite the fact the audience for it is microscopic. It's reminiscent of those times in our childhoods where our sibling gets something that we want dearly and would work ourselves to the bone to get, then they just go "meh" and throw it away.
     
    I will conclude this like I concluded the much shorter precursor to it: I just don't know anymore.
  15. Ron Jeremy
    ...and dumped a prententious-as-hell game on it.
     
    I mean, I'm just staring at this. It's just so.... pretentious. You know how people talk about/make jokes about try-too-hard-to-be-avant-garde-artsy-whatever people? This is those people in pure video game form.
     
    From the description, to the images, to the video, it just screams "Oh, your video games are too mainstream, that's why I made this. You've probably never head of it." Truly a game to play on your iMac in Starbucks while reciting poetry.
     
    I... I'm just confused. How does this bypass Steam Greenlight? There are many amazing (or amazing-looking, in the case of games not fully developed yet) titles that are struggling to get attention, but this hipster crap gets to go straight to the store. I mean, being honest here, how the hell is this a good business move? The only people who would buy this game probably think that computers are too mainstream and would try to play it on an Apple-Bandai Pippin because you've probably never heard of it.
     
    Being serious. I'm willing to bet most of this game's sales will be people buying it for friends as a joke. Like that magic crystals game.
     
    Excuse the rant. I just don't know anymore.
  16. Ron Jeremy
    I was bored, and decided I'd take a look at the Steam store, maybe see if DLC for any games I own was on sale. I noticed the art for the game DungeonLand has a certain familiarity to it, but I couldn't quite figure it out. I thought maybe it was just in my head or something, but then it hit me like a ton of bricks.
     

     
    Tell me I'm not the only one who sees it.
  18. Ron Jeremy
    Yeah, that's right. I'm going to talk shit about Valve. That company the internet seems to believe is amazing and perfect and does no wrong. Somebody has to talk about what they've become, and that somebody is me.
     
    Oh boy, where do I even begin? Oh, I know. Portal 2.
     
    The original Portal was a masterpiece. That can't be argued. It created its own niche and filled it well. But even it had flaws. Was it the puzzles? No, they were good. Was it the dialogue? No, it was good. Was it the visuals? No, they were good. The sound design? No. Physics? No. I could do this fifty more times but you would hit backspace before then, so I'll cut to the chase.
     
    The forced memes.
     
    It is no secret that Valve benefits greatly from creating memes. Viral advertising, all that. Who here remembers The Cake is a Lie? How about the Weighted Companion Cube? You think these things are just innocent, silly things, right? You know how these things go, I'm going to have a stinger here: Wrong.
     
    Valve forces memes. They put specific content in the game with the sole purpose of going viral. Don't believe me? I'll just dump a link here, then you can do more Googling for yourself.
     
    Suddenly all these weird, zany, quirky things make sense, don't they? Forced memes in an attempt to create free advertising. Publicity is publicity.
     
    Now, Portal 2 time.
     
    Portal 2 kicked up the forced memes a notch. In fact, you could say the gameplay itself took a step to the side for the forced memes, but I'll be getting to that in a bit. Portal 2 seems to have been created with the sole purpose of forcing memes, despite what they say. Combustible lemons. Cave Johnson's dialogue. Potatoes. Birds. Wheatley's entire existence. The turret opera. These are a few of them. These tacky "jokes" feel forced. Tell me they don't. Their existence takes what was great about the first Portal and turns it into a cartoon caricature, like you'd see on a mindless series like Family Guy.
     
    "Heheheheheheh, this is like the time I played Portal 2!"
     
    Portal 2's gameplay is lacking when compared to the original. Its puzzles are too easy. It adds too many interesting gimmicks that quickly get forgotten. Its atmosphere isn't as interesting as the first game's. While still an entertaining game, it is a shallow experience. It didn't do anything new that needed done. It just did enough to fulfill the requirements of being a sequel without offering enough of a new experience to be truly worthwhile.
     
    And they slapped "micro"transactions on it.
     
    Let that sink in.
     
    They slapped in-game purchases onto its multiplayer. These purchases are purely cosmetic. You already paid for the game and they slap in-game purchases on it. While Team Fortress 2's "micro"transactions are a problem, at least that game is free. Doesn't putting "micro"transactions in a game you paid for go against Valve's supposed "ethics"? "The content is cosmetic and it doesn't matter!" you say, right? Well, if it doesn't matter, why do they charge money for it?
     
    Being that the content is cosmetic, they need to add more co-op levels to make peoples' purchases more "worth it", right? Wrong. They opened the floodgates and let the community do this, so they could get more "micro"transaction purchases, and not have to make content themselves, all while making themselves look like "the good guy".
     
    Now, Team Fortress 2's latest bullshit.
     
    Valve sells hats in the Mann Co. store. That is no secret. Hats drop and can be crafted by players any time. That is no secret. When Valve made the game "free to play" people cried that they would never sink to the shady business practices of such companies of Nexon.
     
    They have. While simultaneously trying to push "Raccoon Mayonnaise" as a meme.
     
    The gist of it is, they are making it so that certain beloved hats can never be crafted, dropped or purchased again once they "expire". The sole motivation for this enraging move is obvious: They want to scare people into purchasing hats they may have not purchased otherwise because they may retire in the future. I hope them pulling this disgusting move brings more people to see that Valve is not some miraculous messiah among game companies. And Team Fortress 2 continues to remind me of a diseased, drug-addicted prostitute, whoring itself out as it slowly decays, gaining more and more hate from people while it is high off its drugs (money).
  19. Ron Jeremy

    RANT #52 - RICH PPL

    By Ron Jeremy,

    YA DATS RITE I HAT DA RICH PPL DEY SUK BECUS DEY DO N I RELY HAT HO DEY STRUT AROND BEIN AL RICH N BUYIN GOLDN YATS N STUF WAT A BNCH OF LOSRS I BET DEY HAT DA PONEI SHO 2 N STUF LIK DAT DAT SEMES LIK SUMTIN DEY WUD DO TEHY ALSO KIL MY CAT N GIV ME AIDS N CANSRS N CASE GLOBAL WORMIN
  20. Ron Jeremy
    So, recently, I quit TF2. Whenever people hear about it, they ask me why, and I have to explain it again and again. So, I have decided to make a lengthy blog entry on the matter that will cover everything nicely. So, where do I start?
     
    What seems like 100 years ago, I first started playing Team Fortress 2. I had fun (the purpose of any game), socialized, and gradually got better at the game. As time went by, many changes were made to the game, and continue to be made today. These changes used to be excellent. Great weapons that added whole, new mechanics that meshed well into the game were added. Great new weapons were added. Decent-looking hats and miscs. got added, and getting one of those meant something, Gradually, the game started getting changes that seemed annoying, but tolerable. Such quick-fixes-for-being-horrible-at-the-game-but-still-wanting-kills, such as the Degreaser when paired with the Axtinguisher, and the Black Box. I played along. Trading became a thing. I first saw this as a good thing. Why shouldn't I? How could a means for players to trade items they don't want for items they do want become a bad thing? Either way, I continued playing. Skip to the pre-Meet the Medic hype. We knew the video was coming. It had been teased. We knew weapons were coming. Above all, were were hyped to see the video. Little did I know that its release would be so horribly tainted...
     
    Team Fortress 2 went "Free to Play", and it right off the bat did what many feared would happen if it ever went "Free to Play": More weapons that allow people who refuse to learn how to play the game well (So, noobs)) to score kills regularly, aka skill crutches. It also brought another obnoxious pest with it: The Quick Fix. While this medigun does have some legitimate usefulness to it, the vast majority of the time, all it does is anger the one being healed because their medic's ubers are pretty much worthless.
     
    But, I stuck with the game. On and off, I played. I saw more obnoxious weapons added. The Pomson, which allows Engineers to sap Medic ubercharges, breaking one of the core rules of the game in the process. The Spycicle, which allows spies to become immune to fire, and leave ugly ice statues laying around that clutter everything. But still, I played the game, on and off. I just shrugged off the horrible things like the Huntsman, the Sydney Sleeper, and other frustrating weapons, and went my merry way, all while Team Fortress 2's community became a disgustingly clear example of how human greed is ever-present.
     
     
     
    Traders. Sites. An economy. Community. Based around greed. Innocent things like hats became the target of these ever-present players' fetishistic desire to accumulate wealth. Hats that aren't even real outside of the game being sold for extravagant amounts. An entire economy controlled by a few individuals. Out with the old "I have this hat I don't want that you do, and you have one you don't want that I do! Want to trade?", in with the new "omg ur a fuken poor and irish SCRUB! ur hat isnt even vintage searing plasma u fuken lowbaler aspie go suk a dyck". People spending hours hoarding items so they can obtain Bill's Hats, Earbuds, Max's Severed Heads, B.M.O.Cs and keys. Perverting what was once known as a great team-based FPS into a nauseating mess of a hoarding simulator.
     
    Valve's shoddy, untested updates, the trading community becoming ever-present, the bugs from years ago that never got fixed all pile up. What was once something great is now something terrible. While there are traces of what made it good left, you cannot enjoy what is good without running into a dozen Huntsman snipers, getting body-shot-spammed by a Sydney Sleeper sniper, being Jarate + Bushwacka'd, having Liberty Launcher rockets spammed at you, being Degreaser + Axtinguished, being charged by a mini-critting nearly-invincible Phlogistinator Pyro, seeing ugly ice statues, being killed by the overpowered Enforcer, having your uber meter drained by a gun, adding to the insult because it's by what should be a support class and dying because your Medic was using the Quick-Fix. Not to mention certain items that make the characters look like an uncircumcised penis, among other artstyle-shattering bizarre choices in cosmetic item additions.
     
    Maybe if there were an uprising in servers that ban the worst of the obnoxious weapons and the cosmetic items, my interest in playing the game would return. But at the time of posting this, I feel as if I have watched a good friend get addicted to meth and become a prostitute.
  21. Ron Jeremy
    So, I was finally able to get some stuff I wanted, since I finally managed to sell a spare PS2 and some unwanted games that I mentioned in a previous entry.
     
    So, what all did I get? Another Wii nunchuk, (since circumstances left me with only 1 and I like to have things set up so at least 2 people can play consoles I have), and Mischief Makers, a game I'd been interested in getting for some time. Zoop's recommendation of it pushed it further up my priority list.
     
    Well, I'd add more to my general collection, but let's just say I'm saving for something special.
     
    Edit: Heh, I missed a speck in a groove on the cart which I noticed when looking at my picture of it. Which got me thinking, would anypony here appreciate a simple entry on cleaning residues/etc. off carts? I could do one sometime.
  22. Ron Jeremy
    So, recently, I got my hands on Shank 2. I loved the original Shank when I played it, so as you can guess, I was excited to play Shank 2. But first, a brief (without spoilers) description of what Shank is.
     
    Shank is a side-scrolling beat ‘em up starring, well, Shank: A former mob hitman. On a quest for revenge, he travels through several stages creatively -and brutally- killing many goons via combos, throws, and environmental weapons. Has a memorable soundtrack, and comic-book-style visuals that look great, and make the most ordinarily-mundane of scenery look interesting.
     
     
     
    So, how is Shank 2? Well, everything has received a bit of an upgrade since Shank. The visuals look cleaner, the combat and (minimal) platforming feels smoother, music sounds like it’s in a higher-quality format, and the gameplay feels a little more satisfying.
     
    Like the original, this is one of those games that, while technically playable on a keyboard, I would highly recommend an Xbox 360 controller. The whole side-scrolling beat ‘em up genre is played best with controllers (usually), so this is no surprise.
     
    You have three main forms of attack: Your shanks, your heavy weapon, and your ranged weapon. For the heavy weapons, you start with machetes, and later on unlock a chain saw and a sledge hammer. For the ranged weapons, you start with throwing knives, and later on unlock pistols and a shotgun.
     
    The game revolves around, well, killing goons and making your way through the stage. Using the three main attack types (X for shanks, Y for heavy weapon, B for ranged weapon) to string together combos, while dodging to avoid getting attacked yourself. It has a level of complexity to it, in that it isn’t as mindless as many old-school side-scrolling beat ‘em ups (like Golden Axe, where you could air-attack everything to death without getting hit). Different enemies have different ways of dodging, different weapons with different means of dodging them. Enemies you have to destroy their shield first, enemies who shoot you, you get the idea. There’s variety. You can’t just use a single tactic to get through the entire game and do well.
     
    The game’s visual style and setting is interesting as well, and never really gets boring to look at while you’re playing. Lots of tiny details in the scenery, including bits of continuity from Shank. The story has an “old-school” feel to it, like it would feel at home among the action movie classics of yesteryear. While it does all boil down to “kill the big bad guy”, there are interesting bits in between. It has a certain charm to it that I can’t really describe well because I’m avoiding dropping spoilers.
     
    Would I recommend Shank 2? Well, that depends. If you like side-scrolling beat ‘em ups, this game’s for you. It’s a rather specific genre, that I’ve noticed interest in has been dying for some time since the conception of the 3D brawler. If you like this kind of game, get it. If not, there’s probably not much in it for you.
     
    Also, I feel I should add that, at the time of posting this, it’s available and the current Humble Indie Bundle, with other games, obviously.
  23. Ron Jeremy

    This was a triumph.

    By Ron Jeremy,

    I'm making a note here: Huge success!
     
    Allow me to explain.
     
    A little while back, the Steam Community Market was added, which allows players to sell certain TF2 items for Steam Wallet money. Now, I've lost interest in TF2 as of late, but I realized that I could put my idling accounts to use to get money for games with this. Last week, I set a goal for myself: Buy the Goblin Menace DLC for Trine 2 with nothing but money made from the Steam Community market. I knew this would take some time, since I predict the market is gonna crash for many valuable items soon. However, I got lucky, and last night, I got a bunch of "Naughty Crates", which I got a few bucks off of by selling 'em all. That, combined with the fact the Goblin Menace DLC is currently 50% pushed me over what I needed to buy it.
     
    So, yeah. Good day today :­D :­D :­D
  24. Ron Jeremy
    In recent years, gaming has seen the addition of a now-popular feature: Achievements. These are goals you achieve in the game that give you out-of-game points, and a notification. Many games, more realistically, most games released via mainstream means have these achievements. Many gamers work to earn these achievements, feel satisfied when they hear that audio cue and see that number go up.
     
    They play games, do things they would not ordinarily do (such as kill a large number of enemies via unorthodox means) to earn that satisfaction. They like the ability to brag about having more points than other players, and these players boast about these points.
     
    I ask this question: why? I aim that question toward the entirety of achievement systems. Why do these exist? Let’s dive into what I have to say on the matter.
     
    I see achievements as little more than “junk food”: Throwing a bunch of “mayonnaise (achievements)” onto a “hamburger (the game)” to make it more “filling (add the illusion of more content)”. It’s lazy game design: Instead of giving the players unique enemy patterns, intricate level designs, they just make you kill 100,000 lesser river trouts while doing the watusi in a pink tutu to inflate the game’s completion time. They also represent the growing lack of patience that is a pox onto gamerdom. Just beating the game isn’t enough: They have to get an achievement for something mundane or ridiculous to feel “satisfied” for playing the game.
     
    When did playing the game stop being fun enough? When did finally beating Dracula stop being good enough? When did blowing up the Icon of Sin become insufficient? Why do so many people need to have a message pop up every once in a while to manipulate them into finishing a game? A carrot to lead us through is normal: That’s what the end is. However, why are most modern gamers so impatient they need a line of Reese’s Pieces to get them to play the game?
     
    I play games because I enjoy them: Not because I want to stroke my ego by getting points. That is how other gamers should be. They should actually enjoy the game, instead of seeing a game as just a procedure to increase an arbitrary number.
     
    Take a game like, say, Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest for example. In that game, you go through stages, find secret bonus barrel minigames, and find the hidden DK coin in each stage. The satisfaction of finding these, as well as progressing through the main game made it fun. If the game were made today, there would be achievements for making it to each level, clearing each level, getting bananas (1,000, 5,000, 25,000 then 100,000), getting bonus coins, DK coins, killing 1 of each enemy type, beating each level while jumping backwards, spending five minutes as Diddy teabagging Dixie by rapidly pressing Down, you get the idea.
     
    As always, interested in hearing others’ opinions on this.
  25. Ron Jeremy

    The Roopian hoard

    By Ron Jeremy,

    For the past couple days, I was busy organizing stuff, and moving shelves. So I decided to take a picture, which is satisfactory despite the fact a little bit of the left is cut off by a wall because of the angle.
     
    Always wanted to get a good picture of my game collection, so I finally did. Obviously, consoles and such aren't in the shot.
     
    So, uh, not much else to say, really. Enjoy looking at it.
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