writing A few poems of mine - Chaos & Order, King Arthur... NEW ONE! (Critique Please!)

[~ Dr. Ocsid ~ 690]

(So I am here to present some poems to you all. I do not often write poems, but sometimes I get some inspiration and just write it down.

First, my first-ever poem written in Englisch 3 years ago, nice and short:

 

Listen, and go, turn, and hush!
Fight once ago through the crush.
Hear the call, come, and cry!
Fear the holy Dragonfly!

 

 

This one I wrote when I was in Wales a year ago:

 

A Tale of the King

 

Once, there was a boy,

on a craggy horse, doubtfull,

but chosen by the magic hint

to rule over the land of mint.

 

Adviced by Druid,

compaigned by Knights,

beloved by Princess,

uplooked by Folks.

Arthur ruled

on the Isle.

 

The King is searching, restless,

after many famous things.

the Holy Grail,

the Questing Beast,

Dragon´s Treasure,

his own head.

 

King Arthur on his mighty throne

fought many battles which he won,

yet defeated by his sisters son,

in the Dartmoor or on Mount Snowdon,

he sleeps in the shades of Avalon.

 

But will he sleep there

for all eternity?

No, he will not!

According to the prophecy.

At one time, maybe in future,

maybe today, he will rise,

to rule again, and good, and wise.

 

Now you could think

that would be good.

But many kings

feared to be dethroned

by the master of the Welsh

or a Cornish majesty.

 

So many bards tried

this story to rewrite.

Windsor Lords

and London Ladies

ordered the Old King

to sleep forever

or be dead.

 

Absent and oblivious

to this worlds crazy nonsense

King Arthur is sleeping

and the Raven...

is watching.

 

 

This one is the first I wrote since I became a Brony. 

But it isn´t inspired so much by Discord as by...

Saint Dane. See for yourself:

 

The Dance of Chaos and Order

 

The world is in Harmony,

balance brought upon

by Chaos and by Order.

Chaos brings change,

Order brings rules,

Chaos brings random patterns,

Order brings predictability.

This balance to achieve,

This balance to achieve,

is the goal of everything.

 

But this Harmony

is not easy to be held.

Soon it starts to crack.

Soon it starts to topple.

In the peace of Harmony,

the limits set by Order

are softened,

bringing Chaos to its chance.

As the laws start melting,

bonds start to get loose.

 

Balance topples, Balance falls,

falls into Anarchy.

It starts unnoticed,

almost peaceful,

but everything starts to change. 

 

The laws, the limits, the chains

are molten.

Chaos rules, Chaos rules.

Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!

Pandemonium! Pandemonium!

Everything changes without any limits.

Who is king today?

Who is slave today?

The king will be slave,

and the slave will be king

by tomorrow.

Who is friend today?

Who is foe today?

The friend will be foe,

and the foe will be friend.

 

Everything is turning upside down,

clockwise and diagonally.

Nothing is for sure, it changes all the time.

What today is like this

will tomorrow be like that.

Anarchy! Anarchy!

Pandemonium!

 

Whole empires rise and fall

in less than an hour.

No one can live properly

in this never-ending change.

 

The people have enough of Chaos,

rules are starting to re-form.

Order rises out of Chaos,

stabilizing law and life.

Order leads to Harmony,

slowly, but surely.

Rest and peace are coming to the people.

 

But this period of Harmony

is, sadly, just a brief moment,

as Order chrystallizes even more.

Order chrystallizing into adamant,

the world turns into clockwork,

a clockwork of minds,

running smoothly,

bringing peace.

 

The rules are intact, 

strong as diamond,

and everything is under total control.

Everything is under total control.

Everything is under total control.

Everything is under total control.

 

Between these wheels of law and order,

there is no space for nonsense

like happiness or friendship.

No fun. No love. No freedom of will.

Because everything is under total control,

under total control.

Nothing changes, nothing evolves,

because everything is under total control,

under total control.

 

The people have enough

of being tiny wheels

in a mindless, emotionless machine.

Order starts to crack,

subtle first and slow.

Then, like a breaking dam,

the adamant bonds of law and order

are smashed apart by revolution.

The shattered pieces of the Order´s bonds

dissolve into a sea of Chaos,

and one word roars around the world:

Revolution! Revolution! 

Revolution! Revolution! Revolution!

Revolution!

 

The Revolution takes the world

back to Anarchy.

Just a few tiny shards of Order,

floating in the sea of Chaos,

remain.

As the Anarchy calms down, 

law is resurrected,

from these tiny shards of Order,

bringing back the Harmony.

 

The people learned their lesson:

No Harmony without them both.

Order to limit the Chaos.

Chaos to soften the Order.

The people learned their lesson,

and look forward to joyful peace.

 

But over generations

of prolonged Harmony,

the lesson is forgotten,

the circle starts anew.

 

Will it topple down to Chaos?

Or get frozen by the Order?

Whatever brings the future,

Chaos and Order will dance.

Dance for Eternity.

 

And another Chaos-Order-Poem. This time not the Chaos and the Order of Civilisation, but the primordeal forces. 

The long line is to be spoken in one breath.

 

The Universe

 

Nothing.

Here is nothing.

Nothing at all.

No light, no darkness,

no coldness, no heat,

no fluid, no gas, no solid.

Nothing.

 

No space, no time.

No Sideways, no Forward, no Up, 

no future, past, or present.

Nothing. Pure nothing.

 

And then, not suddenly, not finally,

something happens:

Something blinks.

Is it light? Maybe darkness?

Is it time that blinks, or space?

In just a fraction of a second,

and the whole eternity,

the Void is filled.

 

Filled...

with Chaos.

Burning cold and freezing hot,

changing rapidly and slow.

Strange patterns stretch infinity,

splitting strings of space and time.

 

Broken angles, rectangular circles,

changing constants, roundish squares.

A spicy look, a glowing sound, a booming taste.

Always changing, always moving, 

nothing being what it was.

 

Chaos, flowing solid,

always changing, never resting.

Things emerge, and creatures, too,

emerge, and live, and be,

just to be dissolved again,

in the ever-changing sea of Chaos.

 

Ice is boiling, Fire is freezing.

Shards of things flow back together,

and then, they shatter,

and the circle starts anew.

 

In the middle of the Chaos,

something solidifies:

A seed of Order,

an island of stability.

This tiny shard of adamant

sets up a rule, and then another,

and another.

 

Tames the Chaos, primordeal force.

Order, born from Chaos to be its master,

spreads outwards into the universe.

Chrystalline tentacles,

gravitational wires,

chain-links of stability.

 

Rips apart the sea of Chaos,

gives matter a place,

time a direction,

and energy purpose.

 

Chaos is brought down

to mere unpredactibility,

randomness, and sudden change.

 

The universe is inconsistent,

much is empty,

but stuffed with activity,

compared to the Void before.

 

Galaxies formed, and solar systems.

Some chaotic, always changing.

When a planet forms in here, it does not live long.

Others are full of Order:

Giant rocks, moving in circles,

around a star, until it dies.

 

But it some solar systems,

one here, one there, others far away, 

the two forces are in balance,

forming a planet, wonderful,

brilliant isle of Harmony.

 

Life emerges, and Evolution follows.

The planet soon is full of crawling, rooting,floating, flying, running, swimming, growing, ageing, dying, eating, hunting, sleeping, surviving, spreading, evolving, hearing, smelling, creeping, tasting, feeling, seeing, sensing, digesting, breathing, reproducing, simulating, ever-changing creatures.

 

After some time,

a creature starts to think.

A sentient being,

a piece of matter that can ask itself: "Why?"

Suddenly, universe gets a meaning,

things get names, like

"Rock","Water", or "Sun".

As life evolved before it,

the being evolves,

in culture and technology.

 

They think they can tame the planet

as Order did with Chaos.

They do not realize

they are toppling the balance,

destroying Harmony,

spoiling the paradise,

killing the planet they were born from.

 

A barren rock circles the star,

only petrified rocks and bones

reminding of its former glory.

The structures of the Thinkers

rendered unrecognisable

by the Chaos they unleashed.

 

As the universe grows older,

Chaos gets weak and weaker.

Movement stops, and time, and space,

everything freezes in the grasp of Order.

This is the end. The end of everything.

 

And nothing remains.

Pure nothing. 

Not forever.

There is not time.

Just...

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

 

 

And last but not least, a battle anthem I wrote a few years ago:

 

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war..

Full!

of! 

Bra!

ve!

ry!!!

 

See the wavin´ o´ the flags,

Hear the thousend feet and hooves.

Feel the peace before the storm!

Feel the peace before the storm...

 

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war..

Pray!

ing!

to!

the!

gods!!!

 

See the blood upon the blades,

Hear the crushin´ o´ the bones,

Taste this monstrous, gruesome wrath!

Taste this monstrous wrath...

 

 

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war..

To!

wards!

vic!

to!

ry!!!

 

See the reddin´ o´ the mud!

Hear the screams o´ agony!

Smell the odor o´ the death!

Smell the odor o´ the death...

 

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war...

We´re marchin´ for the war...

Till!

the!

end!!!

 

 

What do you think about these poems?

Edited September 2, 2014 by ~ Dr. Ocsid ~

[The Leafeon Pinkeh 3,603]

Reading those with epic music playing made it even better d:

[~ Dr. Ocsid ~ 690]

Reading those with epic music playing made it even better d:

Thanks! What music did you play with it?

[FoxOsprey 46]

My personal favorite is "The Dance of Chaos and Order".

Critque is as follows:

I  love the sense of progression from one stage to the next in each verse; for example;

 

The laws, the limits, the chains were molten. Chaos rules, Chaos rules. Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy! Pandemonium! Pandemonium! Everything changes without any limits. Who is king today? Who is slave today? The king will be slave, and the slave will be king by tomorrow. Who is friend today? Who is foe today? The friend will be foe, and the foe will be friend.

going to

 

Between these wheels of law and order, there is no space for nonsense like happiness or friendship. No fun. No love. No freedom of will. Because everything is under total control, under total contral. Nothing changes, nothing evolves, because everything is under total control, under total control.

with a few transitional verses inbetween.

I also like the repeated phrases like 'Revolution! Revolution! Revolution!' and 'Everything is under total control' contrasting with each other at complete opposite sides of the spectrum. I would, however, recommend shortening the 'Everything is under total control' one as it's quite a mouthful three times over.

There are a couple of grammatical errors such as slipping from present in 

 

The world is in Harmony

to past in

 

the chains were molten.

but I won't pick those apart for fear of sounding like too much of a teacher. (Unless you actually want me to)

Other than that little essay I don't have much to write; I very much enjoyed reading your poems.

[The Leafeon Pinkeh 3,603]

Thanks! What music did you play with it?

The middle part and your anthem <3 

[~ Dr. Ocsid ~ 690]

I would, however, recommend shortening the 'Everything is under total control' one as it's quite a mouthful three times over.

That is intended. When I wrote it, I had this picture in mind: A city of dull, grey, monotonous buildings, one like each others, rows upon rows of blind, dark windows. Grey sky, grey streets. The pathways filled with people, everyone with the same dull grey clothing style, grey and emotionless faces, boring and dull, moving synchronous, like an armie of  robots, through the streets, and everyone,little children, schoolkids, working people, and so on, all paroling this "Everything is under total control"-line, emotionless, monotonous, with nothing else in their mind. That way, it makes sense.

 

Also, that part sounds epic in the musical reading I'm working on.

 

 

but I won't pick those apart for fear of sounding like too much of a teacher. (Unless you actually want me to)

No, I don't want you to sound like a teacher, but picking them apart would be nice, thanks.

 

 

And I wrote a new poem. I'll post it in about half an hour.

 

 

Edit:

Yep! There it is! My new poem, The Universe!

 

It is inspired by this poem by Wallace Stevens:

Chaos

 

The vigor of glory, a glittering in the veins,

As things emerged and moved and were dissolved,

 

Either in distance, change and nothingness,

The visible transformations of summer night,

 

An argentine abstraction approaching form,

And suddenly denying itself away.

 

Wonderful poem, this one. Wonderful.

Edited August 31, 2014 by YetAnotherDiscord

[CheeryFox 23,821]

Nice work you've done there. 

[FoxOsprey 46]

 

 

No, I don't want you to sound like a teacher, but picking them apart would be nice, thanks.

 

OK; here we go.

 

 

 

the limits set by Order were softened,

Should be are

 

 

Everything is turning upside down, clockways and diagonally.

Unless this is intentional this probably should be clockwise or sideways

 

 

What today is like this will tomorrow be like that.

I'm not sure if this even makes sense; I would recommend revising.

 

 

Rest and peace is coming to the people.

Should be are.

 

 

Order chrystalizes even more.

Should be crystallizes.

 

Order chrystalizing into adamant,

Although adamant is technically also a noun it is known to most people only as an adjective so I would consider changing this to "Order crystallising into diamond", "Order crystallising until adamant" or something along those lines.

 

Thats all I spotted in that one I'll have a look at the rest later on.

If you are unsure of something I said then please do tell me.

[~ Dr. Ocsid ~ 690]

 

What today is like this will tomorrow be like that.

 

I'm not sure if this even makes sense; I would recommend revising.

I asked my Ex-English Teacher. It is correct English. 

Thanks for looking for mistakes!

Edited September 2, 2014 by ~ Dr. Ocsid ~