Home?

[RikuHeartsLuna 0]

The fanfic isn't finished yet, but it's always in full production. You can choose to read what's finished now, or come to it when it's done. Up to you.

 

 

Chapter One

 

 

"But... Sir, you see..."

 

"No! I don't give a damn for the last time! I've heard enough of you! Go, leave, now! I don't care! I'm tired of waiting on week late rent!"

 

Derpy would sigh solemnly as she trotted away. Sluggishly, she'd lower her head, her snout almost touching the ground as her hooves made a light "click, click, click" with each hoof step. She'd pout as she stepped into an alley-way and curled up behind a dumpster. She had no idea where she was and she didn't care. All she wanted was to get some sleep for now. As the pony laid her head against her legs, she would shut her gentle yellow hues. She looked over her thoughts and feelings, eventually coming to the conclusion that she just didn't care anymore. She began to drift off into the world of slumber and imagination.

 

*The Next Morning*

 

"Hey, is she alright?"

 

"Of course she is."

 

"Are you sure? She looks... Out of it to me..."

 

"She's fine. She's just sleeping!"

 

"Who... Is that?"

 

Derpy lightly slid open her crooked hues, her expression that of tired and lonely. "Who... Is that?" As Derpy muttered quietly, she noticed two blurry figures over her moving about. One figure appeared to be a pale yellow with a peachy pink mixed in. The other figure looked to be dark colors, mostly mixtures of purples.

 

"Oh, she's awake. Good... I was worried that she needed help..."

 

The yellow figure moved out of Derpy's short, blurry vision, followed by the purple figure doing the same. Just then she felt something tugging her up. She'd force her hues to open a bit more to notice the figures were Twilight and Fluttershy.

 

"...You girls... Are... Helping me...?"

 

"Of course Derpy. Everypony treats you so badly. I wanted to help you."

 

"So did I..."

 

Derpy had a confused look written across her face, as the other two ponies would lift Derpy up and begin to walk her out of the alley-way. Fluttershy interjected at almost a whisper. If she hadn't been latched on to Derpy, she'd of never caught hint of Fluttershy's voice. Twilight and Fluttershy began to carry on a conversation, as it sounded, they were already deep into it before they discovered Derpy.

 

"So, Fluttershy, what was it you were telling me? Something about your animals?"

 

"Oh, yes, um... I was wondering, um, if you don't mind... Can I borrow one of your books? I'm starting to feel a little off with tending to them all."

 

"Of course, Fluttershy! All you had to do was ask!"

 

From that point on, Derpy faded out of the conversation, her own thoughts trailing on her current problems. She was homeless, bitless, and most importantly, careless. She was ready to give up altogether, but then, she faded back to reality.

 

"Derpy! Are you alright? Are you hurt somewhere?"

 

Dery hadn't realized it, but a tear escaped her yellow orb and collapsed onto Twilight's leg.

 

"Oh, it's nothing... I'm just having a rougher time than usual."

 

"Anything I can do to help you?"

 

Derpy's eyes lit up then. She got an offer from somepony. An offer of help! She was ecstatic.

 

"Well..."

 

Derpy proceeded to tell her story of the past few days, leaving a few small details like times, dates, and names.

 

"...And that's when you girls found me back there."

 

"Well, certainly, we can do something to help you."

 

"Well, I hope... Homeless is bad enough, but I can't afford anything on the side. How will I get my muffins...?"

 

Twilight looked at Fluttershy for a moment. Fluttershy just giggled.

 

"Well, who's house would you like to stay at? Fluttershy's or mine?"

 

The three ponies stood in thought, before Derpy finally bursts out.

 

"Twilight's!"

 

Twilight blinked at the sudden decision, but smiled softly.

 

"Alright, then you may stay with me. Spike might even enjoy the company."

 

Derpy was overflowing with glee. For once, she would have a home she didn't have to rent out. She was able to stay there until Twilight was fed up with her. "That won't be long," Derpy thought to herself, "She'll get fed up with me within a week and kick me out."

 

"Well, Derpy, come on. Let's go."

 

"Oh. Right... "

 

Derpy proceeded to follow Twilight to her library. Fluttershy split up with them around half-way, telling Twilight she'd be back later for the books. Twilight nodded and Fluttershy fluttered off lightly. Derpy smiled and stretched her wings out for a moment. Twilight blinked at this, but smiled again. Derpy retracted her wings, and followed Twilight into the library.

 

"Spike! We have a roommate!" Hearing these words put a bigger smile on Derpy's face. "Spiiike! Where is that dragon?"

 

Derpy blinked. She had never seen a dragon before, but she shined with glee when she found out she would get to.

 

"A... A real dragon...!" Derpy exclaimed. She began to flap her wings in overjoyment. The gust blew some papers around, which Twilight soon caught with her unicorn powers. Derpy looked at Twilight soon after realizing what had happened, before crashing into the floor, forgetting to resume working her wings. Twilight just sighed and pulled Derpy into a room.

 

"Here... This will be your room. Just remember..."

 

"Yesss?"

 

Twilight suddenly began to go on about a long list of rules, some revolving around food and drink, some around noise level, and even some about the books, and which ones she could use when. Derpy's eyes crossed more than usual for a minute, before she closed them, shaking her head. As the words continued to flow from Twilight's lips, Derpy head began to hurt more and more. She eventually just shook her head once again.

 

"Uhh... Twilight...?"

 

"...And also, if you're going to converse with anyone, be sure that you're not interrupting my studies, unless they happen to come in handy!"

 

"Twilight!"

 

"Oh, um... Yes, Derpy?"

 

"...Can I try living with Fluttershy instead...? I can't keep up with all these rules..."

 

"Oh, sure. I'm sorry I couldn't help."

 

"It's... It's fine."

 

Then, Derpy fluttered out the door.

 

Chapter Two

 

 

"Great," Thought Derpy, "That's already two houses in one day..." She clumsily trailed right above the ground, her wings slow and solemn, just like her. She stopped thinking altogether and aimlessly fluttered, hoping to go on forever this way. Too bad for her, she soon came into a collision with a building. She fell to the ground from impact.

 

"My, oh my! Dear, are you alright?"

 

Derpy knew the voice speaking to her. No one in all of Ponyville spoke with the regality this pony did.

 

"Y-Yes... I'm... I'm alright."

 

"Would you like some help up?"

 

Derpy's vision began to clear over, seeing the hoof of none other than, Rarity, pointing right at her. Derpy smiled clumsily and grabbed her hand. She finally stood after a few minutes of wobbling and tripping over herself, still a bit dazed, surprisingly, from such a small impact.

 

"Is something bothering you? At all? You seem a little... How should I put this nicely? You seem like something has managed to climb into your life and eat away at all the things you had."

 

"...Good guess..." Derpy sighed as she instantly fell into a sitting position, her face in her hooves. "I have no home. I have no bits. I have no job. I pretty much lost it all."

 

Rarity blinked, then she sat beside the mournful mare, laying a hoof on her shoulder. Derpy looked at the hoof, then at Rarity, her usually yellow hues glazing over slowly with a reddish color.

 

"Please, dear... Don't cry. I'll try to help you. I might have a spare room you may stay in. Would you at least like to come inside for something to drink? You look absolutely parched."

 

Derpy hadn't realized this either, but she hadn't had anything to eat or drink in... Well, ever since she had lost her job. She had her usual snack like she would on her daily routine before she lost everything. She would get up, take a quick shower and deal with all of those hygienic routes, have a quick snack, go to work, come back home, and do something for a pass time, before going to bed. She imagined it was around the time she would of been half-way through work. She felt her stomach rumble, looked around, then gave a light exhale.

 

"Thank you, Rarity... I would really like that... "

 

Derpy slowly stepped inside, looking around solemnly, as to watch her movements. She noticed that everything looked so expensive, so nice. She was beginning to doubt rether she should stay there or not, seeing as how she didn't want to break any of Rarity's precious objects, especially her gems. "So many... Pricy things..." She'd think as she passed each individual costume and piece through the Beauty Carousel. Her yellow hues lit up with each thing she'd see that looked attractive to her, and some things would make her shy away.

 

"Right this way, deary. I'll try to find you a free room..."

 

"Thank you... Rarity... I appreciate it..."

 

"By the way dear... What happened? You never really specified besides it's been bad."

 

"Well... I've been kicked out of my house, because I lost my bits... I couldn't pay the rent... I couldn't get more bits because I had lost my job a few days before that..."

 

"Oh, dear. That's... Terrible! Simply awful! Of all the things that could happen... This is the worst... Possible... Thing!!"

 

Rarity would pull a red-plush loveseat over, falling over onto it as if she's fainting. Derpy would look at her with a confused look upon her face. What Rarity was doing, she had no idea.

 

"Um... Rarity...? It's not that bad... It's happened before..."

 

"What? You've suffered this fate twice now?! Of all the-"

 

"Five times, actually.... It's almost like I'm used to it..."

 

Rarity would blink and sit up, before standing. She pushed the loveseat away, before straightening herself out. Derpy giggled a bit at the performance.

 

"Well. I think you can stay in... Well... I don't think I have an open room, sweetie. I need all of these rooms, they all hold spare inspiration for me. Except two, one's my bedroom, the other is Opal's."

 

Derpy's head would lower, her smile flipping around. She'd give out a light sigh, before turning around.

 

"I'll... Just go, then. I don't want to be in the way..."

 

After she sorrowfully sulked along to the door, she turned to face Rarity. Rarity blinked, feeling a little disheartened that such a poor Pegasus had to keep searching for a homestead.

 

"Wait! Derpy! I could... Uh... Make you something, if it'll make you happier..."

 

Rarity's face lit up with red, as she smiled shlyly at the pegasus. She could usually handle showing off to her friends, but this pegasus, she needed help, some sign that someone cares. Rarity never really used her talents to show this to anybody, except her friends a few times. Derpy let a smile trace her lips gently.

 

"No... That's okay, I wouldn't have anywhere to put it, seeing as how... You know..."

 

Rarity gave off a slight laugh that hinted to anyone she was nervous. "R-Right... Take care now, you hear?"

 

"I will... Thank you for trying to help me."

 

Then Derpy just fluttered away.

 

Chapter Three

 

 

As Derpy slowly fluttered along Ponyville, her yellow orbs traced the ground below her. She hadn't looked up for some time, but managed to catch herself right before running into a tree. She'd sigh at how near the event almost occured, then plot herself upon the ground under her. She released another, more powerful sigh. She looked to the sky, her hues twinkling with a faint expression of hopelessness and emptiness.

 

"I'm doomed to a life of loneliness..."

 

"Now, hold on jus' a minute, sugarcube. Ah don't think that's yer destiny."

 

Derpy's visual direction locked on to the direction of the voice, spotting the orange pony that just spoke to her.

 

"If yer gon' jus' quit, maybe it is yer fate. But ah can help ya' out with that lonely path yer walkin'."

 

"But... AJ... Can you really help me...?"

 

"Whut in tarnation are you thinkin', sugarcube?! Of course ah can help yer problem!"

 

Before Derpy had time to react, the orange Earth pony had her by the mane, dragging her to the last place she thought to go; Sweet Apple Acres.

 

 

-Sweet Apple Acres-

 

Once the two had approached the gate of the Apple fields, Derpy felt nervous. She had been to the Acres many times before, but she never thought to ask about living there. She felt nervous, almost overwhelmed, looking around the Acres. Her hues lit up at the thought that she may get a home. Finally. Her hopes and dreams were unwrapping right in front of her.

 

"Sugarcube! Are ya' listenin'? Whut kinduh house do ya' prefer?"

 

"O-Oh... Just a simple home... Something basic that I can keep order of..."

 

"Well... Sugarcube... Ah gotta look 'round fer ya', but ah promise ah'll get ya' a home."

 

Derpy's face was overflowing with glee. Her cheeks were flaring, streams even ran down her cheeks as her yellow orbs were glowing brightly. AJ formed a smile across her face as she noticed the joy filling the disheartened pegasus.

 

"AJ... I... Can't believe you'd do this for me..."

 

"Why not, sugarcube? It's all ah can do ta' help ya' and yer issues. 'Sides, ah couldn't jus' let'cha be a lonely pony. Could ah?"

 

Derpy couldn't respond. She was so overcome with joy, her body began to shiver. Her wings would tightly retract against her body. She couldn't even blink. Her cheeks became red from the rivers of joy flowing down her visage. AJ ran over and wiped her face up.

 

"Pull yerself together. We got ta' get ya' moved in."

 

As AJ smiled at Derpy, she felt something deep in her chest that made her feel even more overwhelmed. Derpy's legs began to wobble, and seen before she even knew it, she fell to the ground in an unconscience state... Then reality faded away.

 

-Five Hours Later-

 

"Sugarcube! Are ya' alright? Wake up, sugarcube!"

 

Derpy's yellow orbs slowly began to slip open, as she returned to the world of Equestria. She took a quick look about her surroundings. She was laying in a bed. The house she was in had a grey-black tint about it, and the windows were old and square-shaped. The roof appeared to be very low slanted, almost like a flat roof, and the floor looked as if it were regular oak wood. Overall, the house seemed simple and peaceful.

 

"How are ya' feelin', sugarcube? You hit yer head perty hard out there."

 

"I... I fell...? No... I... Passed out, didn't I...?"

 

AJ nodded lightly. Derpy looked down at the bedsheets she was under.

 

"I'm sorry... I'm just messing up everything... Again..."

 

"Sugarcube, ya' didn't even notice where we were, did ya'?"

 

"Hmm? It's... A simple house..."

 

"No, sugarcube... It's yer house."

 

Derpy looked up, shock and happiness fighting for the dominant feeling in her figure. She noticed the smile painted on AJ's face, then allowed glee to overflow her once again.

 

"Careful, ya' don't wanna wet yer bedsheets with yer tears!"

 

Derpy flustered up and smiled a little.

 

She was where she wanted to be.

 

Home.

 

"What shall I do tomorrow?" Derpy let her thoughts trail as she laid in her new bed. Then... She simply fell out of reality once again.

 

Chapter Four

 

Derpy found her hues slowly glazing open. She looked about slowly, before coming to the realization- She had no clue of her surroundings. Everything was bleak and quiet. Too quiet. She couldn't tell if there was anything about her, due to the immense shroud about her figure and area. The lack of illumination was so grand, Derpy couldn't help but cower against the only direction she could go. This only added to her fear when she discovered that she was being restrained to something. Chains? She couldn't tell, she was too fightened by the darkness falling heavy against her. Her yellow hues, tearing up with each movement, averted rapidly across the blank visual.

 

"Why... Why..." Was all she could mutter. Suddenly, she heard the soft clicking of hooves against the cold ground. She shot her vision in that general direction, flickering wickedly across the area. Before she knew it, a pony did walk out of the darkness and into her sight... Along with two other ponies. In the center proudly stood... Rainbow Dash? To her left was Fluttershy and to her right vaguely stood Pinkamena. With straightened hair. Derpy scanned the three with quizzical fear and emotionless hope. Her lips trembled as tears streamed her cheeks.

 

"Well, well, look at this girls. I think she's scared." Rainbow taunted the grey pegasus.

 

"She's... So pathetic... Can't I just take care of her now?" Pinkamena impatiently nudged on.

 

"She'll be quick to give in... She's not strong. She's weak." Fluttershy even added on to the insult.

 

Derpy shut her hues and simply laid back, sniffling occasionally, the tears now just a quiet creek across her visage. She couldn't open her eyes to look at them, she knew what they wanted, and she knew what was going to happen. She knew it was all a lie. Everything everypony told her was nothing but slander to her. She felt her knees beginning to give in. Soon after, she collapsed to the ground.

 

"Aww... Look... We haven't even touched her and she's already breaking down. How... Pathetic."

 

Rainbow Dash laughed out arrogantly, a twisted smirk across her facials.

 

"Well, you know, girls... I have a present for miss Derp here..."

 

The other two behind the arrogant rainbow raised a brow in question. Right then, Dash turned around, bucking Derpy. Derpy barely made an effort to fight, only remained still and took what damage had been done. The impact left a cut across Derpy's temple, a slight trail of blood trickling down her cheek with the tears. Rainbow Dash only laughed again.

 

At that moment, Derpy's hues shot open. She sat up, her quiet stare skimming the area. She was in her room, the place Applejack had allowed her to stay. She gave a heavy sigh, placing a hoof against her forehead. She had been sweating a lot, but as she pulled her hoof back, a little crimson shined off of it. She got up and walked into the bath room. She flipped on the light, then looked in the mirror. To her agitation, she had a slight cut across her temple. Giving a gentle sigh, she cleaned it up and put a band-aid over it, before sitting in the bed and staring forwards.

 

"I have a home now... But... It's quiet... I'm alone..."

 

Derpy sighed once more. As she stood, she turned to look at the messy bed she had just left. She shook her head and walked down the stairs. She looked around at the interior, realizing she wasn't even used to her own terrain yet. Sitting down on the couch in the main living area, she cradled her visage in her hooves. She sat there for the longest time, her mind racing. What to do now that she had a place? Should she wait a little bit to find a job, or maybe ask Applejack if she could help on the farm? Would farm work be hard? What could a pegasus like her even do on the farm? Soon, she realized that someone was knocking on her door. She looked up from her transparent thoughts, before shaking her head gently.

 

"Um.. Yes? Come in."

 

It was Applejack.

 

"Hay there, sugarcube. How are ya' feelin'?"

 

"Not too good, AJ... I had a pretty scary nightmare..."

 

"Well, ya'll had me worried. Ah knocked fer a good ten minutes. But it's good ta' see yer doin' fahne."

 

"Thak you, AJ... For the house, I mean. It's a very nice place..."

 

"Sugarcube... There's sumthin' yer not tellin' me. What's wrong with ya'?"

 

"Oh.. AJ.. It's terrible.. I'm so lonely.. I have no one here with me.. I don't feel much better, if any at all.. I have no job.. I'm so far away from anyone I could ever be friends with besides you and the farm..."

 

As Derpy went on to explain more and more about how she felt, Applejack's face twisted into various feelings and emotions, from empathy, to sympathy, to slight horror, and even more. After Derpy had finished pouring herself out, Applejack stood in silence, looking off to the side. Derpy sat there, staring at the floor in despair.

 

"Why... Didn't ya' ever tell anyone? Yer not just some doll they can throw off to tha' sahde like that. Tha's not right. N'sides... Yer an amazin' pony with more skill than ya' credit yerself fer."

 

Derpy sobbed silently, her hues fixated on the floor. Applejack looked at the crying pony, then sighed. She trotted over and sat beside her, hugging the pony tightly.

 

"We'll pull ya' through this, sugarcube. Ah swear it."

 

Derpy muffled herself in Applejack's shoulder. The two sat in that position for a long length of time, Applejack simply sitting there with her green hues shut. Applejack gave a deep exhale after some time, then began to lightly move the grey pegasus. As she stood, she had noticed the pegasus cried herself to sleep on the Earth pony's shoulder.

 

"Hm... Adorable, she'll be fahne."

 

Applejack smiled lightly at the peaceful sight. As she turned to walk out, Derpy lifted her head lightly, giving the Earth pony a smile. Applejack flashed her a smile, similar to Derpy's.

 

"Thank you, AJ... You've made me a happy pegasus."

 

Applejack nodded softly, before walking out of the house. Outside, Applejack gave off a light sigh, letting a few tears free to streak her muzzle.

 

-Three Hours Later-

 

Derpy slowly sat up, before taking a moment to rub her hues. After she opened them, she cowered back in fear. Her house was on fire! Somepony started a flame upon her home. Derpy's hues began to swell up, quickly bursting with tears as she cuddled against the backstabbing corner of the couch that kept her from being safe. The flames licked and swallowed at anything within five feet of her, frightening her immensely. "What... What happened to of caused this...?!" Soon, she heard the soothing accent of Applejack and her brother, Big Macintosh.

 

"Quick! Go fetch sum water! Git sum other ponies ta' bring more with ya' ! Ah'll get her outta' that mess!"

 

Suddenly, a loud crash came from in the house. Inside, a piece of roof had collapsed. Derpy saw a hole she could get out of and she proceeded to jump up and dart out of the hole, flying from the site in fear. Applejack, unknowning of her escape, busted the door down. As she ran in, she noticed the blanket Derpy slept under laying in the floor. Torching. Soon, the other ponies came back with more water. After putting out the fire, they found her no where, then they noticed the hole.

 

"That darn pegasus! She scared tha' livin' Hell outta' me!"

 

Applejack then cringed, falling over on the singed ground. She winced and laid her hooves on her left front knee.

 

"We'll take you to the hospital!" Some of the worker ponies said, before they picked up the orange Earth pony and galloped off.

 

-The Next Day-

"Applejack. Wake up, Applejack. You have visitors."

 

Applejack's hues slowly slipped open, the colors meshing together for a moment before everything split back to it's original state.

 

"Whut.. In tarnation..?"

 

From the left to the right, all five of her friends stood over her, all with an expression of concern. She could see, further back from them all was Derpy. She was sitting in a chair in the waiting room, holding her visage in her hooves, as she'd see many times before. Derpy's wings looked as if they'd been a bit singed, as well as a few other patches of her hair. She'd stare at Derpy for some time, before looking back to all of her closest friends. They stood in order from Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and finally Rarity. As her hues travelled repeatedly across her friends, she thought for a moment. After a few minutes, she shook her head, before sitting up and smiling weakly at her friends.

 

"Howdy girls..."

 

"Are you alright, Applejack?" Twilight.

 

"Oh.. Um.. How badly does it hurt..?" Fluttershy.

 

"You're tough, come on! You'll be fine in no time!" Rainbow Dash, being as stubborn as always, hid her worry.

 

"You're okay, right? Please be okay, please, please, please!" Pinkie Pie.

 

"My, oh my... Of all the- Well, it's not appropriate for that... But I do hope you're fine, dear." Rarity.

 

As all the girls continued to express their questions and comments, Applejack mainly focused on one Pegasus. Derpy Hooves. Keeping a constant stare towards the grey Pegasus, she only managed to give a small sigh.

 

"Derpy... Come here, sugarcube."

 

All of Applejack's friends froze and stopped speaking, all of them turning and stepping away for Derpy to come to the orange pony. As Derpy looked up slowly, her hues were barely even noticable as yellow. She'd been crying for so long, her eyes were tainted with red. They also looked bloodshot, as if she hadn't slept ever since. As she slowly stepped to Applejack, her lower lip quivered, like she was ready to break into another fit of tears.

 

"Y-Yes... AJ...?" Her voice was hoarse and scratchy.

 

"Ah'm glad yer alright, sugarcube... Ya'll had me worried... Ah see yer managin'... Well, about as well as me..."

 

Applejack would give off a fake laugh, before looking down at the bedsheets she lay under. Derpy was unable to do anything but stand there, her head hung low, her yellow mane a mangled mess with blotches of black mixed in. Applejack laid a hoof on the Pegasus' shoulder, looking dead serious at her. Derpy slowly flickered her hues to her, nibbling her lip nervously.

 

"Ah'm sorry... Ah should come clean with ya'll..."

 

All the ponies looked at Applejack with a confused face. Derpy, out of them all, was the most confused.

 

"Ah've been hidin' a dark secret from ya'll for a while... Ah think it's time ya'll got to findin' out."

 

Everypony leaned in close, keeping a close ear to the Earth pony.

 

"Everehpony... Ah was the one who arsoned Derpy..."

 

It was silent in the room. No one made even a simple hoof tap. If it was possible to break something that already shattered, Applejack had done it. Derpy had seemed like she was cracked before, but she was absolutely broken. Ripped into so many pieces, she couldn't even stand. Her falling was the only sound that rung out in the quiet hospital room. One by one, the ponies began to look to Applejack, looks of curiosity, confusion, and even doubt. Applejack kept her line of vision aimed at the sheet over her, her green hues slamming shut. Fluttershy silently slipped over to Derpy after some time. She would latch on to the broken pegasus, keeping her in a tight grasp and whispering softly to her, like she would her animals. Derpy only nuzzled into her and remained silent. Emotionless.

 

"Everehpony... Ah'm... Goin' to leave Ponyville for a while. Ah've caused enough trouble fer ya'll. Ah've got a place ah can go to. Don't none of ya'll plan to come after me, neither."

 

Silence. Nopony had anything to respond to that. Most of them just looked to the ground. Even Rainbow Dash had given up the stubborn act and allowed a few tears to slip down her muzzle.

 

"Ah'm goin' ta' get a few more hours of sleep... Then ah'm leavin'. First thing tamorrow."

 

Nopony said good-bye. Nopony said good luck. Get well. Or anything. Everypony just began to quietly shuffle out the door, except for Derpy. Fluttershy had to help her out, since she had lost so much will, she couldn't even move.

 

Applejack rolled herself over. She closed her green hues. Then she fell into a calm slumber.

 

Chapter Five

 

Currently in production. It'll be up soon.

[Ra1nbowCrasH 272]

I enjoy it so far, although Applejack seems really out of character and doesn't seem to have any motivation for burning down Derpy's house, I have a few suggestions for clarity: 1) Try uploading this to googledocs, it will make the fanfic easier to navigate. 2) You may want to consider referring to the eyes as pupils/irises instead of hues, because I didn't know what you were talking about.

 

Other than that, Great job! Keep up the good work.

Edited April 7, 2012 by ɥsɐp ʍoquıɐɹ