Fanfiction Idea, Please Give Feedback

[AspenSwift 153]

Hey, I posted this in the fanfiction sub-forum section, but I feel it'd be better noticed right here.

 

Hello!  I am a very new fanfiction writer, and I had a question about an idea that struck me.  Tell me if this seems like an interesting idea or not.

 

A pony brings in a virus to Canterlot.  (Before you go "Zombies have been done before," let me finish)  This isn't your stereotypical "zombie virus" or whatever, this is different.  This virus makes ponies, when come in contact with it, become completely blissful.  They walk around in a daze with a really blissful look on their face, trying to spread the "Bliss" to other ponies.  It hits Equestria hard, infecting thousands of Ponies.  It infects Canterlot first, then Cloudsdale.  It goes on to attack smaller towns (Appeloosa, cities like that), and, in the end, leaves only Ponyville uninfected.  Ponyville has been sectioned off with a makeshift wall around it, but the infected (I'll think of a different name later, maybe Blissed?) are trying to keep the virus alive.  All survivors A carrier of the virus will walk around, completely happy, until they starve or thirst to death.

 

Anyway, the fanfiction will really make the reader think, and ask important questions, such as:  Is it better to give up and feel happy right before you die, or keep fighting and experience the loss and unhappiness of life.

 

Anyway, just curious as to what others thought.  Thanks!

 

I've already written an introduction, PM me if you want to read it.

[IceBeerG 55]

Alsmot every idea is interesting one, if you can make it that way. I would like to read your introduction and, probably, know the plot.

[AspenSwift 153]

Eh, I'll work more on it later.  This is all I have right now, the introduction.  Please leave feedback!

The Bliss.docx

[MysticShine 529]

It sounds like an original-ish idea, but not my taste.

[Castle Bleck 19,361]

A "zombie" story where the "zombies" in question are sympathetic and actually have a semi-point?

 

[fabrarity 138]

I think this is a really great idea, especially since it takes a kids show and makes it violent. 

[~SadisticFluttershy~ 779]

Soooooo it'll be just like we saw on the MLP Season 5 trailer?

 

I'm intrigued... but I'm not all up for the idea. There has to be some sort of gore and violence in here to make it more interesting.

 

But I can see the tags being: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Gore(Maybe), Slice of life (Maybe?)

Rating: Teen.

 

I could see this fict having some sort of mature language.

[. eris . 1,661]

I love it! That actually sounds like a really fascinating idea--and honestly I don't think you need gore at all.  But that's just me, probably because I'm not personally fond of super violent or gory stuff just for the sake of being violent or gory. :3 I'll read your introduction and then give a little more refined opinion. 

[sweetolebob18 728]

Could be good, if handled right.  They might think Pinkie is the Typhoid Mary of this disease

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

Soooooo it'll be just like we saw on the MLP Season 5 trailer?

 

I'm intrigued... but I'm not all up for the idea. There has to be some sort of gore and violence in here to make it more interesting.

 

But I can see the tags being: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Gore(Maybe), Slice of life (Maybe?)

Rating: Teen.

 

I could see this fict having some sort of mature language.

If you haven't forgotten already, they don't allow that sort of thing.

So this gore stuff won't be allowed to be on here, ever think of that? 

[ThatOneComrade 1,091]

Now that's something new. Something very interesting. It kinda reminds me of the S5 trailer with the ponies with the = on their butts, but I doubt they'd do something like this so go for it! Sounds like it'd be a really rad story with all the temptation that might bubble up

[VitalSpark 1,830]

@@AspenSwift, If I'm being chased by a zombie pony, I don't really care whether it happens to be a happy zombie pony or a sad zombie pony. As such, I don't think that's quite enough to differentiate it from other Equestrian zombie apocalypse fan works. The idea has potential, I just think it needs more work to make it stand out from the crowd. Here are some random ideas...

 

Bliss is not really very contagious at all. The infected need to convince victims to allow themselves to become infected. This makes Bliss into something like a combination of a virus and a meme. Yeah, this is kind of like Snow Crash, but bear with me.

 

Ponyville is walled off to protect it. Only a select few know what's going on outside the walls - Mayor Mare, the elements of harmony, and maybe one or two medical ponies. What's going on outside isn't known to the reader!

 

A group of protagonists (made up of background ponies and/or OCs) over the course of a few chapters gather evidence and get a partial idea about what's going on outside. They think that it's a new revelation that's going around, and making everypony happy, and that the ponies of Ponyville are being denied this happiness. So they make it their mission to break out of Ponyville.

 

Once out, it quickly becomes apparent to them that they've made a mistake. Unknown to them, one of their group becomes infected. They all spend the course of another couple of chapters breaking back in to Ponyville!

 

In doing so of course they bring the infection inside. I'll leave it to you where to take it from there.

Edited March 2, 2015 by Vital Periwinkle

[AspenSwift 153]

@@AspenSwift, If I'm being chased by a zombie pony, I don't really care whether it happens to be a happy zombie pony or a sad zombie pony. As such, I don't think that's quite enough to differentiate it from other Equestrian zombie apocalypse fan works. The idea has potential, I just think it needs more work to make it stand out from the crowd. Here are some random ideas...

 

Bliss is not really very contagious at all. The infected need to convince victims to allow themselves to become infected. This makes Bliss into something like a combination of a virus and a meme. Yeah, this is kind of like Snow Crash, but bear with me.

 

Ponyville is walled off to protect it. Only a select few know what's going on outside the walls - Mayor Mare, the elements of harmony, and maybe one or two medical ponies. What's going on outside isn't known to the reader!

 

A group of protagonists (made up of background ponies and/or OCs) over the course of a few chapters gather evidence and get a partial idea about what's going on outside. They think that it's a new revelation that's going around, and making everypony happy, and that the ponies of Ponyville are being denied this happiness. So they make it their mission to break out of Ponyville.

 

Once out, it quickly becomes apparent to them that they've made a mistake. Unknown to them, one of their group becomes infected. They all spend the course of another couple of chapters breaking back in to Ponyville!

 

In doing so of course they bring the infection inside. I'll leave it to you where to take it from there.

This is an amazing idea, would you mind if I used some plot points?

To the rest of you, thanks for replying!  I didn't expect to get much feedback, but this makes me excited to work on it more!  I haven't got the next part(s) out yet, but I'll get to work ASAP.

Some of you posted that it could be a darkfic or gorefic.  Don't get me wrong, everyone loves a bit of blood in their literature, but I was thinking more of an action story.  I also might use moderate language, but not too bad (Teen/YA sounds good).  I was thinking that the virus could spread like this:  It's a food (maybe an edible plant) that, once seen, is irresistible.  You cannot stop thinking about it until you taste just one leaf.  After tasting it, you then have the effects: the overwhelming feeling of happiness AKA the Bliss.  Once the eater dies from hunger, the plant uses the ponies, um, nutrients to grow.  It's how it survives.  Also, Princess Celestia built the wall to shield ponies from going outside and finding the plant.  However, (I'm a bit indecisive here) either a group of OC's/Mane 6/some of the Mane 6 try to venture outside.  However, as they explore, they are trapped behind the Ponies with the Bliss, and are trying to fight off the Bliss ponies and get back to Ponyville, (Plot twist) only to find that Ponyville has already became infected.  Anyway, that's what I'm thinking of writing something like that

If you have read Wool, it might have that feel.

Also, I thought of this idea a while ago (It might not have been about ponies, originally, but whatever), but the S5 trailer jumpstarted the idea

Also, please post OC names for background ponies and such.

Edited March 10, 2015 by AspenSwift

[VitalSpark 1,830]

 

 

This is an amazing idea, would you mind if I used some plot points?

 

Feel free.

 

 

 

Once the eater dies from hunger, the plant uses the ponies, um, nutrients to grow.  It's how it survives.

 

Some varieties of potato and tomato have sticky hairs that trap insects on them. The insects die of starvation, fall to the ground, and end up as fertilizer. So a plant like that you describe is not implausible.

[AspenSwift 153]

Feel free.

 

 

 

 

Some varieties of potato and tomato have sticky hairs that trap insects on them. The insects die of starvation, fall to the ground, and end up as fertilizer. So a plant like that you describe is not implausible.

Thanks!  Glad it measures out scientifically.

Edited March 2, 2015 by AspenSwift

[HereComesTom 2,267]

This could be a really interesting story that explores some deep questions.  You should try it!

[IceBeerG 55]

What was Celestia doing if that plague spread everywhere but ponyvile? What was Luna? Cadence? Why didn't they know earlier? Okay they builded the wall, but ponies still get infected? I'm not sure of purpose of the wall that you described a few messages ago...

 

From the first part i... don't really see how is it terrible to... well... unharmed ponies. I mean, sure, if they would be infected - they most likely will be dead, but i didn't feel harm from the stallion to the mare or to the driver. It's not like an zombie apo, it's more like... well... some undefined, probably persistant disease with no known cure? Just point it out if you wanted to make it more like "Aaaah, for the love of celestia, they are going for us!" type for fiction.

 

Being an especially picky asshole, i would say that you should to work with your showing over telling

 

This was soooo few, have so many questions, it can go in so many directions. Keep writing, it can be interesting story.

[AspenSwift 153]

Hello, again!  I am starting to write the main chunk of my Fanfiction, and I'd love to start, except for a problem: I need some good characters to write.  Since I've decided on this happening in the future, I can't use the Mane 6 to base my story around.  I would really like some well written, professional OC's to use, that would fit as close to canon as possible.  No Alicorns, changelings, or Crystal Ponies, please.  I need multiple characters that can run through development throughout the story.  Also, I considered using my own OC, as I know his character very well and I believe is well written (I may be a bit biased ), but I'm not sure if that's frowned upon.  I'm assuming it's okay, but I'm just checking.  Anyway, link me yours or someone else's OC if you don't mind me using them.  Please leave as much detail as possible, and I might use it.  I don't know how many characters I'll need, but leave as many or few as possible.

[AspenSwift 153]

Oh, man, it's been a long time.  I don't know if anypony will see this, or even remember this thread, but I have been working on the fanfic more.   A lot more.  It's up to eight pages now, and I'm still introducing the characters and exposition.  But, oh man, is writing this baby fun.  I've finished up the "first chapter" (I leave that in quotations because I probably won't upload it in chapters) and I would love if somepony could read it, and give me any feedback or criticisms.  I really have already fallen in love the world, characters, and everything about it, and can't wait to continue it!  Anyway, please read it and tell me about it.  Feel free to PM me, email me, skype me, whatever.  Can't wait to hear from you!

The Bliss.docx

[IceBeerG 55]

Hey there again good sir. As i already said, i can't help you with decent proof-reading, but had a look at this chapter anyway.

 

I liked the idea. Not of the story, of course, that one i already liked even before reading the story. I liked idea of the chapter, basicly, what this chapter all about.

 

I liked how you turned to show history of ponyvile.

 

You're writing about alternative universe of equestria (or at least it's very future version), but not... THAT alternative universe. Forget the words "human", "people", "person", "hands" "fingers" e.t.c.

 

Ending very abrupt. I was looking for at least some action in the chapter as first, but as second i was looking that you at least will turn back to Aspen Swift, sitting and sipping his cup of coffee, working, whatever he did while he was remembering him being in school.

 

I personaly think that story 400 years past must be prologue to the story.

 

Usually it is good to give a hint of what surround ponies, but, i think, sometimes it barely positive thing. Cerantly not always, but sometimes. I've liked how our hero waked up, and you explained his cutie mark. How you told about orchard and its history. I did even enjoyed how he sipped cup of coffee. I don't get why i need to know how much bedrooms he have, how much things his predecessor has left to him. I already know that he's kinda owner of this orchard, and it is obviously that this orchard is huge and mmm exotic. I liked that he smelled differently. I don't like not understanding why exactly this morning he smelled exactly these things. If they... smells are different day to day, right? 

 

There were many cases where you can, and it will rather better to show and not to tell. I can't help with each of them though, you really need to get proof-reader who can help you polish these.

 

Looking forward for more =)

[AspenSwift 153]

Hey there again good sir. As i already said, i can't help you with decent proof-reading, but had a look at this chapter anyway.

 

I liked the idea. Not of the story, of course, that one i already liked even before reading the story. I liked idea of the chapter, basicly, what this chapter all about.

 

I liked how you turned to show history of ponyvile.

 

You're writing about alternative universe of equestria (or at least it's very future version), but not... THAT alternative universe. Forget the words "human", "people", "person", "hands" "fingers" e.t.c.

 

Ending very abrupt. I was looking for at least some action in the chapter as first, but as second i was looking that you at least will turn back to Aspen Swift, sitting and sipping his cup of coffee, working, whatever he did while he was remembering him being in school.

 

I personaly think that story 400 years past must be prologue to the story.

 

Usually it is good to give a hint of what surround ponies, but, i think, sometimes it barely positive thing. Cerantly not always, but sometimes. I've liked how our hero waked up, and you explained his cutie mark. How you told about orchard and its history. I did even enjoyed how he sipped cup of coffee. I don't get why i need to know how much bedrooms he have, how much things his predecessor has left to him. I already know that he's kinda owner of this orchard, and it is obviously that this orchard is huge and mmm exotic. I liked that he smelled differently. I don't like not understanding why exactly this morning he smelled exactly these things. If they... smells are different day to day, right? 

 

There were many cases where you can, and it will rather better to show and not to tell. I can't help with each of them though, you really need to get proof-reader who can help you polish these.

 

Looking forward for more =)

Thanks you so much for looking it over!  I agree with, I think, just about everything that you said.  Looking over it again, I can totally see why the reader might be bored with learning about the whole family line.  Going on nine pages now, editing it down will be next on the agenda.  It's true that there wasn't much action yet. but that is mainly because this is the exposition.  If you remember your plot maps from middle school, there will be much more action and awesome stuff in the rising action through the resolution.  The story's going to build up in pace; starting out slow right now and getting more exciting and action-y.  Anyway, again, thanks so much for the feedback!  It's really appreciated

Oh, and checked over it pretty carefully, and didn't find any human references (people, hands, fingers, etc.)  I may be missing them completely, but I think I covered myself pretty well in that aspect.

Edited March 30, 2015 by AspenSwift