Elements of Chaos

[cosmic_joke 28]

Writing a fanfic (my 1st one), and it is loosely based on FoE and Shadow of Mordor. I could use some help, if you would be so kind.

[Ashen Pathfinder 16,153]

@@cosmic_joke

 

Just letting you know that I have moved your thread to Creative Resources so that it can get the proper attention.

 

Thanks.

[Steel Accord 6,658]

That's quite a crossover within a crossover. What are you thinking right off the bat? I mean what parts of Shadow of Mordor are we talking about? Is is just about a ghoul pony with a split personality out to avenge his family in Red Eye's Fillydelphia before he builds up a power base? Or are we adding wholesale elements of Tolkien's cosmology on top of Equestria's blend with Fallout? Or something in the middle?

[cosmic_joke 28]

Well, so far, I have what I believe to be the definitive Elements of Chaos. What people tend to forget is that they are not the opposites of the Elements of Harmony, but their own individual set. I have:

Discord: spark

Awful Timing: pegasus/unicorn hybrid, kleptomaniac, element of Theivery.

Trixie Lulamoon, unicorn, element of Ego.

Cosmic Joke, (species undecided), Las Pegas loan shark, element of Cruelty (imagine a modern-day FoE raider).

General Mustalso, changeling, Chrysalis army deserter, unicorn-enhanced supersoldier, element of Deception.

Maud Pie, earth pony, element of Apathy/Indifference.

Nutty Bar, female unicorn mage, schizophrenic, element of Insanity.

 

Now, this is not official, and I believe it will take place in modern-day Equestria. The whole Mordor tie-in will mostly be abilities and enemies, but might also include a Celebrimbor-like spirit.

What I'm thinking is that I may do this Avengers-style, and have a separate story, or series of stories, that details each character, and then eventually do an official Elements of Chaos story. For now, I think I will focus on Perfect Timing, petty thief, and half-breed son of Awful Timing (ex-convict Appleoosa robber) and Impeccable Timing (maiden name Taste, unicorn, Manehattanite high-society mare).

If you have any ideas, please respond!

Edited April 23, 2015 by cosmic_joke

[Steel Accord 6,658]

Well to go through this blow by blow.

 

 

 

Awful Timing: pegasus/unicorn hybrid, kleptomaniac, element of Theivery.

 

Right off the bat, impossible. The child of a unicorn and pegasus would either be a unicorn or a pegasus.

 

 

 

General Mustalso, changeling, Chrysalis army deserter, unicorn-enhanced supersoldier, element of Deception.

 

 

The name does not strike me as a Changeling one. "Chrysallis, Metaporphon, Larvanite" usually they have to allude either to their nature as shape shifters or insects. Secondly "unicorn enhanced supersoldier"?! If this is taking place in modern Equestria they would not have top secret military projects. If the FoE elements still existed that would be easier to buy.

 

 

 

Maud Pie, earth pony, element of Apathy/Indifference.

 

Maud first of all is not evil. Secondly, she's not apathetic in that she doesn't care. If she didn't, she wouldn't have saved Pinkie's life. In her words, "I don't really express my emotions like other do." Expressing emotions though is not the same thing as not feeling them. Thirdly, neither her nor Trixie are around by the time of Fallout Equestria unless Maud is a ghoul.

 

(Trixie is around but . . . the less said of her the better.)

 

 

 

Now, this is not official, and I believe it will take place in modern-day Equestria.

 

Then what was the point of even alluding to Fallout Equestria? 

 

 

 

The whole Mordor tie-in will mostly be abilities and enemies, but might also include a Celebrimbor-like spirit.

 

Shadow of Mordor was from the perspective of one man against an army and against the elements in a land of barbarism and rising evil. If you plan to really use all of the proposed characters that would not mesh well as a crossover. Sure Talion had allies, but they would always return to their own business, it wasn't exactly the Fellowship.

 

Speaking of allies, who is this spirit? Celebrimbor wasn't just some elven smith he forged the rings! The spirit would have to be someone of great significance to Equestria's history, maybe even partially responsible for something bad that happened. Now, if this was still functioning as a tie-in to Fallout Equestria that could even make for some interesting connections. Maybe the spirit is loosely connected to how the world ended, or going further back, partially aided Discord in his initial ruling of Equestria from the original three pony tribes.

 

On abilities though, why and who? Again, Talion's powers come from his status as a wraith's host. He's essentially one of the Nazgul. If just one of your characters is "the wraith" who and why them? If they are, why do they have these powers, how does that fit into Equestria's lore and world?

 

Who are the orcs? I mean I assume you're wraith character is possessing something akin to them as Talion did.

 

 

 

What I'm thinking is that I may do this Avengers-style, and have a separate story, or series of stories, that details each character, and then eventually do an official Elements of Chaos story.

 

Whoa slow down there! That is a massive undertaking. The Avengers worked not because it was greater than the sum of it's parts but because each cog in the machine functioned as it's own machine. Each movie in of itself was a great movie, like them or not Iron Man, Thor, Captain America all of them were runaway successes with likable and rounded protagonists.

 

And is this yet another element of a crossover that really isn't a crossover?

 

 

 

For now, I think I will focus on Perfect Timing, petty thief, and half-breed son of Awful Timing (ex-convict Appleoosa robber) and Impeccable Timing (maiden name Taste, unicorn, Manehattanite high-society mare).

 

Okay see this actually could work as a story. First of all, decide which race he is. Second of all though, this has potential. Why did his parents get together? They seem to be from different world so what did they see in each other? How does Perfect relate to each of them? Was he raised with one and not the other, if so, did the raising parent try to distance their connection?

 

You could write an entire story about a pony trying to discover their heritage, trying discover who they truly are.

 

 

 

If you have any ideas, please respond!

 

Credit where credit is due first of all, you have a good grasp of the naming scheme for ponies. I see too many times people have OCs with names that would never exist in Equestria but almost all of yours seem to fit.

 

Second of all though, I would suggest you decide what you are going for though.

 

-Shadow of Mordor antics with some Tolkien-like magic or enemies. 

 

-Your own take on Fallout Equestria.

 

-A gathering of the Elements of Chaos by Doscord

 

All of these could make up stories on their own. As it stands, you have too many moving parts but no real substance. Try to decide on what you really want to write.

Edited April 23, 2015 by Steel Accord

[cosmic_joke 28]

 

 

cosmic_joke, on 22 Apr 2015 - 7:22 PM, said: General Mustalso, changeling, Chrysalis army deserter, unicorn-enhanced supersoldier, element of Deception. The name does not strike me as a Changeling one. "Chrysallis, Metaporphon, Larvanite" usually they have to allude either to their nature as shape shifters or insects. Secondly "unicorn enhanced supersoldier"?! If this is taking place in modern Equestria they would not have top secret military projects. If the FoE elements still existed that would be easier to buy.

The name: yes, it could certainly use some work, although it WILL contain 'General'. The story here is that Chrysalis sent out a team of soldiers to capture a unicorn mage, whom they then used in a semi-botched attempt to enhance their army. The result was a squadron of changelings that could assume any shapre and form (Mustalso spends the first part of the story disguised as Boulder, Maud's pet rock.)

 

 

 

cosmic_joke, on 22 Apr 2015 - 7:22 PM, said: Now, this is not official, and I believe it will take place in modern-day Equestria. Then what was the point of even alluding to Fallout Equestria?

It bears similarities, but does NOT take place in FoE canon.

 

 

 

Speaking of allies, who is this spirit? Celebrimbor wasn't just some elven smith he forged the rings! The spirit would have to be someone of great significance to Equestria's history, maybe even partially responsible for something bad that happened. Now, if this was still functioning as a tie-in to Fallout Equestria that could even make for some interesting connections. Maybe the spirit is loosely connected to how the world ended, or going further back, partially aided Discord in his initial ruling of Equestria from the original three pony tribes.

Do you even need to ask?! Starswirl the Bearded; the ONLY major character in all of Equestrian history!

 

 

 

cosmic_joke, on 22 Apr 2015 - 7:22 PM, said: What I'm thinking is that I may do this Avengers-style, and have a separate story, or series of stories, that details each character, and then eventually do an official Elements of Chaos story. Whoa slow down there! That is a massive undertaking.

True, but Filli Vanilli: baby steps.

 

 

 

Credit where credit is due first of all, you have a good grasp of the naming scheme for ponies. I see too many times people have OCs with names that would never exist in Equestria but almost all of yours seem to fit. Second of all though, I would suggest you decide what you are going for though. -Shadow of Mordor antics with some Tolkien-like magic or enemies. -Your own take on Fallout Equestria. -A gathering of the Elements of Chaos by Doscord All of these could make up stories on their own. As it stands, you have too many moving parts but no real substance. Try to decide on what you really want to write.

Good point: I have too much on my plate.

1. the Mordor thing is more of an allusion, (although the more I think of it, if somepony actually DID do a mod on SoM with some random pony being inhabited byStarswirl the Bearded, capturing/fighting through ranks of Ghouls, and ultimately facing off (and, duh, losing) against Red Eye in a 'Bright Lord-style campaign, it would be totally EPIC!)

2. No wai in HELL am I doing my own take on FoE (except for one tiny story that I'm rather undecided about...but I digress). It is way too dark, and totally ruins a good show, even if it IS one of the best things I've ever read (including 20.5, he he he 'clop, clop'), I SO wish I could erase it from my mind...

'Too many moving parts, but no real substance' which brings me to my last point:

 

 

 

cosmic_joke, on 22 Apr 2015 - 7:22 PM, said: For now, I think I will focus on Perfect Timing, petty thief, and half-breed son of Awful Timing (ex-convict Appleoosa robber) and Impeccable Timing (maiden name Taste, unicorn, Manehattanite high-society mare). Okay see this actually could work as a story. First of all, decide which race he is. Second of all though, this has potential. Why did his parents get together? They seem to be from different world so what did they see in each other? How does Perfect relate to each of them? Was he raised with one and not the other, if so, did the raising parent try to distance their connection? You could write an entire story about a pony trying to discover their heritage, trying discover who they truly are.

Awful Timing and Impeccable Taste met at Awful's trial for attempted burglary of a quarter of a million bits from Appleoosa's bank (the yearly apple harvest was good).She was on jury duty, he was on the stand, and when their eyes met: sparks flew.

After a short trial, Awful was found guilty, and sentenced to 15 years in the Canterlot royal dungeons.

Impeccable wrote him the first letter (he didn't know her name), and the two kept up a correspondence for 12 years, until he was released early for good behavior.

Impeccable's family did not, and in fact never had, approve(d) of them being together, so she disowned her family, married Awful, and took his name. They moved to -location undecided-, where they could leave happy, if not simple, lives.

2 years later, she gave birth to Perfect, a healthy baby boy.

When he was 6, they took a family trip to Canterlot, where, among other things, they saw the statue of Discord; but his parents ushered him out of the Gardens when 3 school fillies on a field trip broke out in a fight over the statue's meaning.

By this age, he was already showing an incredible innate talent for sleight-of-hoof-and-wing, always grabbing small baubles and trinkets, for which he would be constantly reprimanded by his parents, especially his father, who didn't want Perfect going down the same paths in life (although Perfect had no idea of his father's past).

While on the trip, Impeccable started to realize just how much she had missed high-society life (being a native-born Manehattanite unicorn, from a very wealthy family), and so started to make plans to move back home with her new family. But her parents still refused to accept awful, him being an ex-convict, even though they welcomed Perfect with open hooves.

Outraged, Awful refuses to go, and makes Impeccable choose: her oold family, or her new one. She asks why she can't take their son with her, and he explains (yells, screams, maybe cries a little?) that he thought she loved him, he thought she was happy, how could she do this, she's not taking his son from him!

 

"I gave up the couds for you!" (Nimbucity, hometown) "I haven't been home in 20 years!"

                                                                                                -"And who's fault is that?"

"But we were happy1 We loved each other, we had a child! Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to you?"

                                                                                               -"It means I made a mistake. It means I should have listened to my family"

"Are you saying you regret marrying me?" -hurt- "You regret our son? Look at bhim! He's sitting right here, and you say that you regret him!?"

                                                                                               -"Don't twist my words! Of course I don't! I love him, and I love you."

"Then why not stay?"

                                                                                               -"Look at this house."

"What about it? I know it isn't not perfect, but it's alright. It's home. Isn't that what matters?"

                                                                                               -"But is this how Perfect should be raised, in near-poverty?"

"Perfect, go to your room please."

 

-Perfect get up, leaves the table silently, flies up the stairs. Silent prayer: "Please, let this end well."

 

"We are not in poverty. We get by just fine.And you don't need to be filling his head with this. Let him be a kid a while longer, huh?"

                                                                                               -"Paycheck-to-paycheck is not 'fine'. Look, if I take him with me back to

                                                                                                 Manehattan-"

"You talk like its already been decided."

                                                                                               -"Awful..."

"So that's it: end of discussion?"

                                                                                               -"I've made up my mind."

Well, you're not taking him. He's a pegasus, he needs to be among others of his own kind. He needs to be in the clouds. Manehattan is a city of unicorns, he would never fit in!"

                                                                                               -"It was founded by unicorns. We're not the only species there

                                                                                                 anymore."

"9 out of 10 ponies there are unicorns and you know it. That's far too many. Look, if you choose to leave, and I strongly suggest you reconsider, then I'm going back home, to Nimbucity, and I'm taking perfect with me. I'll take this court if I have to, but he will not go to Manehattan. You've made your decisio, not I've made mine."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goes on a bit more, maybe?

 

In the end, they decide to jointly sell the house, and remain legally married, although now seperated.

 

Upon arrival in Nimbucity, Perfect discovers that pegasi have to be careful walking around: step too hard, and you could punch right through the cloud layer, into the open air below.

He's not afraid of heights, but he is absolutely terrified at the prospect of falling. When he was just a foal, before his wings had fully developed, his father would sometimes take him for long flights, just the two of them, on little 'adventures'. One day, when they were particularly high up, Perfect decided that this would be a good time to see if he could fly yet. It took almost 2 minutes (an eternity), for Awful to catch him. They kept that little mishap just to themselves, a shared father-son guy moment, and never told Impeccable.

So now, even though he knows that if he were to fall, he could simply spread his wings and catch himself, the very idea horrifies him to no end, which greatly reduces his flying manouverablity.. As soon as he can, he moves out of the clouds (10 years later), and settle on the ground. Not that the inhabitants of Nimbucity were particularly upset to see him go; he had spent plenty of time getting lectures from local shopkeepers and residents alike about the errors of stealing.

 

 

He's a petty thief, a kleptomaniac halfbreed, so his wings aren't as developed as other pegasi; they form hollows against his body where he holds (usually stolen) items. Not a strong flier, he prefers to walk. His other, unicorn half, shows in a small, barely noticeable bump on his forehead (he is very self-consious about it), and can only perform 2 spells: the unicorn-default telekinesis (very weak, can only lift up to around 10lbs.), and -spell needed-

 

So, what do you think? Also, I need a name for this story...

[Steel Accord 6,658]

 

 

The name: yes, it could certainly use some work, although it WILL contain 'General'. The story here is that Chrysalis sent out a team of soldiers to capture a unicorn mage, whom they then used in a semi-botched attempt to enhance their army. The result was a squadron of changelings that could assume any shapre and form (Mustalso spends the first part of the story disguised as Boulder, Maud's pet rock.)

 

I didn't have a problem with his rank, although "General" seems a little high for that task. That kind of operation would be headed by a major, maybe a colonel at a stretch. I mean how many ranks does the Changeling military consist of? Drone, General, and then the Queen?

 

 

 

It bears similarities, but does NOT take place in FoE canon.

 

Well what are those similarities?

 

 

 

Do you even need to ask?! Starswirl the Bearded; the ONLY major character in all of Equestrian history!

 

Okay, I'm willing to buy that. Does he have the same or a similar arc to Celebrimbor? In that something happened in his past that resulted in bad in the present or recent past. As a suggestion, perhaps he created Discord?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdsL_yOj4SU

 

 

 

True, but Filli Vanilli: baby steps.

 

That was my point, it seems you're not taking baby steps but too much at once.

 

 

 

1. the Mordor thing is more of an allusion,

 

Okay, what's it alluding to? What happens in it that's like in that game?

 

 

 

2. No wai in HELL am I doing my own take on FoE (except for one tiny story that I'm rather undecided about...but I digress). It is way too dark, and totally ruins a good show, even if it IS one of the best things I've ever read (including 20.5, he he he 'clop, clop'), I SO wish I could erase it from my mind...

 

Off topic, but I vehemently disagree it is dark but it's also one of the most uplifting tales I've ever read in any form of literature! (This is coming from a guy who's read The Chronicles of Narnia!) It also isn't even canon so how can it ruin the show if it has no bearing on it anymore than your prospective fanfic does?

 

@@cosmic_joke,

 

Dude, THAT . . . ALL OF THAT . . . that is the real heart of your story and that's what you should be focusing on! Just with that exposition and dialogue I felt invested and want to see what happened and how Perfect develops!

 

Although Manehatten struck me as more of an earth pony city with it's industrial, utilitarian attitude and flatland geography. Compare that to Canterlot with it's more arcane aesthetic and mountainous setting. Remember how the earth pony tribe was on the low land and the unicorns were mountain dwelling?

[cosmic_joke 28]

Ah yes, that's right. I just wanted to give dear old Canterlot a break. Its used so often as the center of unicorn society, that one megaspell, and bye-bye unicorns.

 

Also, I know its uplifting, I know the whole story, all of the characters, etc. But whenever I read it, or start to think of it, I start to feel like my chest is full of molasses, just overall sick. I don't want to think of the Mane 6 that way.I just...don't.

[Steel Accord 6,658]

 

 

Ah yes, that's right. I just wanted to give dear old Canterlot a break. Its used so often as the center of unicorn society, that one megaspell, and bye-bye unicorns.

 

Well is Manehatten going to be destroyed in your story? If not, I don't see why it has to be swapped for Canterlot in terms of it's culture.

 

Besides, it got hit too.

 

 

 

Also, I know its uplifting, I know the whole story, all of the characters, etc. But whenever I read it, or start to think of it, I start to feel like my chest is full of molasses, just overall sick. I don't want to think of the Mane 6 that way.I just...don't.

 

It is heavy I'll give you that and all but one of the Mane Six walk out of it alive and even then she still carries a hefty helping of PTSD. Still, it's not canon so you can put it in the same place that I put Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory. Just compartmentalize.  

 

That being said, do you wish to comment on anything else I said? 

[cosmic_joke 28]

Well, SoM already has both SATS and EFS, so that kind of ties in...

And I'm utterly THRILLED that you think it's doing good so far. This story is far from finished, and I hope for a lot more development.

[Steel Accord 6,658]

 

 

Well, SoM already has both SATS and EFS, so that kind of ties in...

 

Well there are game mechanics and not ones unique to Fallout either. There inclusion into the story was because Littlepip had a pipbuck, an in-universe device specifically designed to do those things.

 

Talion doesn't have a little box on the side of his vision telling him where to go or a "zoom" function. Plus that's a pretty damn loose connection to Shadows of Mordor as far as crossover material goes.

[Honsou 399]

Hey man, let me know if you need any writing advice or tips, I would be glad to lend a hoof to contributing to your success. This seems like a fun project. Almost like warhammer fantasy battles gone MLP.

[cosmic_joke 28]

This thread is now for the elements of Chaos and the tale of Perfect Timing ONLY. For any more Mordor-themed ideas, please view my NEW thread, Fallout: Equestria - Shadow of Everfree.

Thanks!