dark twidie.jpg

[MysticEmber 21]

A brony? Yes, that's me. People find it weird I like mlp at my age. And, I'm a male at the same time. But, nevertheless, its not weird and may be enjoyed by all. But, I talked to my friend the other day, and she was acting very strange. She seemed...possesed. She would constantly go into a separate room for no reason and come back with her eyes closed... She said something about twilight.jpg? I think...

I was checking my email one day for anything special. But, I saw a FWD: email. It said: Hello! You may not know me, but I'm just passing it on! Thank you! Along with an attachment named twidie.jpg. I opened it, only to see Twilight Sparkle just staring at me with a blank expression. It was harmless. But I couldn't quit the picture...

I refreshed the page and saw her horn decaying. I was shocked, and refreshed again and say her flesh decaying as well. I repeated this cycle, and she kept decaying more and more...finally she was bloody red and eyes deep shade of red, and her bones exposed. I was scared, I admit. But, a text appeared. It said: "Dear Damon Pizaro. I have witnessed your awakening for me. I thank you.I summon a demon to curse you. To pass this curse, send this to someone else, and state you're passing it on. I thank you...

-twidie"

So I sit here, just passing it on. Thank you for listening....and thank you for awakening her....

First time writing

..DONT HURT ME DX

[P-Jay 1,987]

it seemed good, but i think the whole 'flesh decays' thing is overplayed.

 

it certainly has potential, though. and it had a entrancing name.

[J.R. 3,183]

Good job!

Nice scary and some suspension.

[MysticEmber 21]

Thank you for the input! I will note that and to not overuse a word for long periods of time.

[ShoesDontWearHorses 7]

Well, I personally didn't like the theme of the story very much. It is something I find a bit of overdone now-a-days, so I didn't find it all that interesting.

Here are some sugestions I think are worth looking into:

- Watch your grammar
I'll talk about ponctuation because I'm not great at the rest. Generally, you can't go too wrong if you write sentences as you read them. Commas are short pauses, and periods are long pauses, try to treat them as that. For instance: "Yes, and you're awesome." and "No. But I do indend to find out, if you don't mind." Some people don't like "buts" after periods, but I use them as a long pause, so I sometimes do use them like that.

Some of your wording is really weird and doesn't really come together very well. For instance, the first paragraph has some really strange series of sentences:

People find it weird I like mlp at my age. And, I'm a male at the same time. But, nevertheless, its not weird and may be enjoyed by all. But, I talked to my friend the other day, and she was acting very strange.

Try to read these sentences aloud respecting the pauses imposed by the ponctuation.

- Your sentences need to be more concrete
There are three things that I find particularly troublesome when writing (I'm not great, so that might explain it): knowing how to start a sentence, knowing what to put in a sentence, and knowing how to end a sentence. Designing sentences to design a paragraph is really really hard for me. Since I'm not great at it I'll not talk much about it, but you should look at your sentences and always try to get the most out of them, since, being long pauses, periods stop the narrative. Often, many sentences (and periods), will make your story seem really stiff, and the flow will feel off. Of course, in dialogue you'll have to write dialogue that matches how the characters talk, but in narrations, you really should strive to flow (unless there's another specific reason not to of course). Something to think about. Writting is much like any other kind of designing: you'll often do more good erasing rather than creating.

- Flesh out each part of the story more.
This is really the bread and butter, since if you do not have a story worth telling, no amount of well designed sentences will help you.

As it stands, it feels like three distinct stories are kind of just mashed together: In the first paragraph, you begin talking about your friend and how she was acting weird. Capitalize on that detail, tell us more about how you found that out. Did you try to ask her what was wrong? Were you worried about her? As it stands, you just make that passing mention of your friend which really doesn't tie in with the rest of the story at all. If we look at the story without the first paragraph, we would probably not even realize it was gone. Sure, I think it's pretty clear she was the one who sent the email, but any other person could've done it, and it wouldn't change the story much or at all. In the second and third paragraph things happen too fast once again. On one moment you're talking about the picture and what's happening on your screen and then, BAM! Demon apparently comes into the (proverbial) picture. Since you're trying to create something spooky scary, you could try to slow down things a bit. Talk more about how the main character feels as it all happens for instance.

One thing I think about your story is that it just isnt spooky scary because there's no apparent danger. The danger comes from a computer screen, so you'll have to make it a bit more "real" for it to actually create an impression. For instance, more personal information about the main character revealed as he goes through the experience. That would cause real discomfort. Sure, it apparently knew his name, but that's "meh", I tell my name to anyone who asks me. The other alternative would be to have the main character experience something in real life as he goes through the experience. He could start getting cold or sick or something like that. A demon is not very believable. I'm not very good at spooky scary, sorry. But try to extrapolate from these ideas and maybe you can get something useful out of this.

Also, for a story apparently about twilight (in some way, at least), it doesn't seem to have a lot to do with her.

Try this the next time you write something: first write things out as they come to your mind. This is just a rough sketch. Next add the details you find appropriate in a rough fashion. Now that you have everything on paper it's a question of organizing the text. Delete sentences, merge ideas, and work on the flow of the text until it feels natural to read it. Read it outloud if you must. You can even try it on this text (it would be interesting if you did).

There. Please keep in mind that these are just like, my oppinions man, of course. I'm very new to writing as well, but I feel some of these things are worth sharing.
I hope you write more in the future, or at least come back to this one.

By the way, I really like the name Twidie.