critique wanted My OC: Taken or Original

[Kronos the Revenant 1,971]

My OC's backstory goes like this: He was givien birth by Commander Chrysalis when she was serving under the rule of a king. His real father died in a heroic sacrifice to save her. Chrysalis leaves him at the doorstep of pre-corruption-King Sombra. Sombra sees him at his doorstep and decides to give him a name that's both terrifying and heroic at the same time. Thus, the new prince was dubbed as Kronos, Prince of the Forgotten Empire of Lost Technology and Progress. With such a background, Kronos is pre-equipped with technological advances and is very tech-savvy. A freak accident with experimental technology rendered his front legs incapable of holding his body. Kronos goes on to create mechanical "arms" for himself. Kronos proceeds to perform experiment after experiment, and with it replaces body part after body part until the only organic parts on him are one of his eyes, his lungs, half his heart, and three quarters of his brain. One of his eyes is replaced with what he calls a "cybernetic optical enhancement implant". He builds the second half of his heart and replaces his lost portion of brain with a computer, allowing himself to think and strategize the most effective maneuvers in the quickest amount of time. His reflexes are also hyper enhanced with advnaced hydraulics and his optic implant allows him to see up to 500 miles away and snipe down enemies with laser precicsion. His hyper intellegence also allowed him to use telekinetic powers, or as he calls it "anti-magnetic gravitational altercation". He rises up in the ranks of the military that he surpasses even his birth mother whom he has no knowledge of as of yet. Sombra sends Kronos off to search for other kingdoms in hopes of creating an alliance with the Forgotten Kingdom. He stumbles upon the kingdom of Ponyville. Also, he's a long-lost little brother of Princess Cadence and is a Legendary Harbinger, codenamed Death. On top of that, he creates a reputation for himiself as a successful mercenary capable of performing a wide range of tasks from the mundane to the ablosutely absurd, he'll do it as long as he's paid as much as he believes he's owed.

 

 

Hope you enjoy this OC's backstory.

 

By the way, I'm very new to this forum, so I don't know how to make a picture for my OC, but I have concepts of him. If you must know, Kronos is a cyborg earth pony with flight and "magic" capabilities thanks to his cyborg persona.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Kronos

[Lucky Shot 232]

My OC's backstory goes like this:

 

He was given birth by Commander Chrysalis when she was serving under the rule of a king. His real father died in a heroic sacrifice to save her.

So I suppose we must presume your character is a changeling.

 

Who is the father? Was he also a soldier under the king? What did he sacrifice himself to protect Chrysalis & Kronos from?

 

Chrysalis leaves him at the doorstep of pre-corruption-King Sombra. Sombra sees him at his doorstep and decides to give him a name that's both terrifying and heroic at the same time. Thus, the new prince was dubbed as Kronos, Prince of the Forgotten Empire of Lost Technology and Progress.

Why did Chrysalis abandon her child?

 

Why does Sombra willfully take the child in? Why doesn't he pressure Chrysalis to raise her own child? Why does he need the name to be "terrifying" if he is not yet the king of fear? Why would he pick a name heavily associated with time as a general "heroic" name?

 

This story so far seems a bit contrived for the sake of applying royalty to the character.

 

With such a background, Kronos is pre-equipped with technological advances and is very tech-savvy.

This doesn't logically follow. The Crystal Empire recovered in the modern day is exactly the same as the one lost 1000 years ago, and is clearly a nation of mystical crystal-focused magic, not of lost Atlantian technology.

 

A freak accident with experimental technology rendered his front legs incapable of holding his body. Kronos goes on to create mechanical "arms" for himself.

How did he work without intact front legs? What manner of injury prevents him from walking but allows him to perform other actions?

 

Kronos proceeds to perform experiment after experiment, and with it replaces body part after body part until the only organic parts on him are one of his eyes, his lungs, half his heart, and three quarters of his brain.

Why?? What drives Kronos to sacrifice his true body and risk killing himself in the process?

 

His reflexes are also hyper enhanced with advanced hydraulics and his optic implant allows him to see up to 500 miles away and snipe down enemies with laser precicsion.

You know, Robocop was made from a detective who would have died otherwise.

 

His hyper intellegence also allowed him to use telekinetic powers, or as he calls it "anti-magnetic gravitational altercation".

That sounds like a line from a 60's comic.

 

He rises up in the ranks of the military that he surpasses even his birth mother whom he has no knowledge of as of yet.

I thought he was the Prince? That would make him already senior in rank to the entire military hierarchy.

 

Sombra sends Kronos off to search for other kingdoms in hopes of creating an alliance with the Forgotten Kingdom. He stumbles upon the kingdom of Ponyville. Also, he's a long-lost little brother of Princess Cadence and is a Legendary Harbinger, codenamed Death. On top of that, he creates a reputation for himiself as a successful mercenary capable of performing a wide range of tasks from the mundane to the ablosutely absurd, he'll do it as long as he's paid as much as he believes he's owed.

God dammit I just got goblin'd didn't I.

[Kronos the Revenant 1,971]

So, what exactly overall do you think I should change about this OC?

[Kronos the Revenant 1,971]

So I suppose we must presume your character is a changeling.

 

Who is the father? Was he also a soldier under the king? What did he sacrifice himself to protect Chrysalis & Kronos from?

 

Why did Chrysalis abandon her child?

 

Why does Sombra willfully take the child in? Why doesn't he pressure Chrysalis to raise her own child? Why does he need the name to be "terrifying" if he is not yet the king of fear? Why would he pick a name heavily associated with time as a general "heroic" name?

 

This story so far seems a bit contrived for the sake of applying royalty to the character.

 

This doesn't logically follow. The Crystal Empire recovered in the modern day is exactly the same as the one lost 1000 years ago, and is clearly a nation of mystical crystal-focused magic, not of lost Atlantian technology.

 

How did he work without intact front legs? What manner of injury prevents him from walking but allows him to perform other actions?

 

Why?? What drives Kronos to sacrifice his true body and risk killing himself in the process?

 

You know, Robocop was made from a detective who would have died otherwise.

 

That sounds like a line from a 60's comic.

 

I thought he was the Prince? That would make him already senior in rank to the entire military hierarchy.

 

God dammit I just got goblin'd didn't I.

He's a prince, yes. however, he comes from a military kingdom, meaning that everyone in the kingdom, even royalty, is expected to either be in the military or work in the factories building weapons. Prince Kronos was raised by the king and thus joined the royal military. Plus, Kronos insisted on starting at the FNG rank in the military. He wanted to prove to his "father" that he is strong enough to retain his status as a prince and as a legitimate kingdom soldier. Also, yes, he's half changeling, which he will learn about when he begins asking his "father" about who he really is when he starts tinkering with genetic codices. Also, Chrysalis abandoned him becase she had no preparation to deal with raising a foal, let alone have enough resources herself to nurture him. However, being the king's most trusted general, she discusses the arrangement and they both agreed to never tell Kronos about his parents until they felt that the time is right, and thus left him at the front door of the king's castle. His father was on what was supposed to be a routine sabotage mission. However, the remote detonator stopped working and he, along with a group of additional troops, volunteered to manually set off the bomb. On top of that, Kronos wasn't raised in the Crystal Empire, but rather a different kingdom altogether. Innovation and the drive to make himself and his father's kingdom stronger and more technologically superior are what drives him to sacrifice his body for these innovations. He also taught himself how to walk on his hind legs via physical therapy exercises and his first invention he implemented onto himself was the telepathy device, allowing him to work without the use of his limbs. He did eventually turn himself into the cyborg I made him into today. However, he's in constant physical, emotional and psychological pain all day and night. In fact, he's even afraid of his own mortality, so he refuses to sleep. Because of this, he compensates by putting his brain into "sleep mode" and has a backup power system in his mechanical body allowing him to perform his tasks unconsciously but accurately. This allows him to work and rest his brain at the same time. When he "wakes up", he tells the computer part of his brain to give a summary of the activities of his "night watch". Also, I guess you're right about the whole "terrifyingly heroic" name thing, but I guess the king just gave him a name that can invoke different emotions to other ponies depending on how you say his name and the context of which his name is mentioned. For example, depending on the context of any given conversation, anypony could portray him as a paladin or a harbinger.

 

Note: Sorry it took a week to reply to this. I'm in college right now and Friday is like the only day that I have no classes in. Also I've been getting nagged at by my family.

Edited October 30, 2015 by Kronos