critique wanted Help flesh out OC

[SugarfootWillie 383]

Yo so this is this the first character I'm making where they aren't simplified for the sake of quickly starting an RP. I want to make him a round character, but don't know what to add. Any critique or word of advice is much appreciated. 

 

UPDATE: I added what I have of the character's back story, written by him as suggested, but without a cosmogony to base this off of I will need to either get studious or creative. I'm thinking his name should be Don Carbonell Del Palomino.

 

What I have so far:

 

This stallion is more narcissistic than Narcissus himself, and his ego and hubris are just as large as a result. He left his clansmen in the San Palomino Desert in order to evangelize his greatness and perform feats to prove his word. Brash, impulsive, and obstinate, he inserts himself into positions of leadership in order to resolve perceived conflicts and crises. If the conflict/crises is not grandiose, it becomes grandiose as soon as he takes charge. After resolution, he turns his deeds into prose, deifying himself and exaggerating many aspects of the actual occurrences. In a handful of instances he actually has completed mythic and heroic quests, however not all of his tasks have been like this, as his character causes him to blindly rush forward.

 

Back Story so far:

 

Hear me, all ye           hallowed beings,

Both high and low      of Heimdall’s children

Thou wilt, O reader,   that I well set forth

The birth of my world         which as first I recall.

 

I call to mind              the roots of trees

Which long ago          did give me life

Ages I know                Sages have told

Since virgin lands       ‘neath trot-beat broke

 

In times before time     womb water flows

Was nor moon nor sun     nor Equestria

Neither Celestia      Nor Luna flew

But a gaping nothing,     and green things nowhere.

Edited November 13, 2015 by SugarfootWillie

[El Duderino 879]

Sounds like someone who would get on my nerves, but seems like an interesting character. Good start. I like that this is not a nice character, but I would still recommend giving him a redeeming quality. Not something big, so he still keeps that same personality, but something that would make him a little more likable. Make it so everyone thinks he is an ass, but then they they find out about some deep level of his personality and they feel bad for ever calling him an ass.

[Yamato 1,348]

 

 

After resolution, he turns his deeds into prose, deifying himself and exaggerating many aspects of the actual occurrences.

You should write his backstory like this, like he wrote it himself. It would make for a comical and somewhat mysterious character description. Make sure to include a list of completely over-the-top (and almost certainly made-up) deeds he has "accomplished".

I think it could work...

[SugarfootWillie 383]

 

You should write his backstory like this, like he wrote it himself. It would make for a comical and somewhat mysterious character description. Make sure to include a list of completely over-the-top (and almost certainly made-up) deeds he has "accomplished".

 

I think it could work...

Thanks man, I'm learning how to write transcendental poetry for this character. I think it would be ironic to have a self-infatuated person write in a style who's philosophy aims to abandon earthly concerns. I might be sort of wrong in this thinking, I just started reading Emerson's Divinity School Address.

[AnArtisticPontato 91]

I think it's a great character, but it would help to tell about his many "great feats" in detail.

[SugarfootWillie 383]

Yo I edited the OP to include updated information. If anypony can help out from here that is still much appreciated.