private A Cultural Exchange 1x1 with Randimaxis

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax's shuffling ended, and he came out of the tent with a fuzzy green towel around his shoulders.  His mane, which had been soaked, was now frizzed out in all directions - he looked as though he'd been hit with a bolt of lightning.

 

"Okay!  Dry enough, I guess.  Still, that was a doozy of a fish!  It actually took me four tries before I actually got one to shore, so you're already better than I am!"

 

He grinned... then his grin faltered a bit.

 

"Uhm... you said something earlier about how large chunks of emotion can actually... hurt you?  I hope I haven't been hurting you, but... knowing the way my emotions feel to me... well, can you maybe help me figure out how to... control it better?  I don't want to hurt you, Illiad - even unintentionally; can you show me a way to... well, help it?"

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad thought for a moment before responding. "Well, my Empathic abilities are like most other senses. It hurts in a similar way to if someone were to shine a bright light in your eyes or a loud noise in your ears. The excessive amount damages the sense if incurred long enough so in my case it damages my horn, which regulate my abilities. Too much damage and it would snap, then my abilities would be unregulated and my presence would drive people insane. But don't worry, I have ways of protecting against damage so it is unlikely to occur, the worst I've experienced was a headache from your mother." Illiad paused, "As to you, there is not much I can teach you. Emotional regulation is something one learns at a young age. If you were a unicorn I could teach you how I regulate, but you aren't so I can't. But I'll see if there is anything I can teach you." Illiad shifted into a more comfortable position. "Your parents emotions are like a faucet, either on or off, a healthy emotional flow is more like a river, a constant stream of feelings that ebbs and flows. If you try and focus on how you feel about situations it may help, but it may be too late at this point to change your emotional nature."

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax sighed.

 

"Yeah... that figures.  Stuck as an Earth Pony kinda bites sometimes.  I can't do magic like you, and I can't fly like Mother and Oglevy can... sometimes that makes me feel useless, y'know?  I mean, I KNOW I'm not exactly useless, but still..."

 

He let his thought trail off, electing not to finish the sentence.  Dax remained quiet for a long moment, the look on his face and the emotion coming from him a serious one.  He seemed to be thinking about something rather heavy on the mind. 

 

"Iliad?"

 

He shifted a bit uncomfortably, nervousness almost seemed to vibrate from him.

 

"I wanted to ask you about... about..."

 

He swallowed, trying to muster up enough courage to speak aloud; whatever was on the young stallion's mind was eating him alive.

 

"... about mares."  

 

The look on his face was absolutely serious.

 

"Like, do you think I'll ever find... I mean, as a Blackwater it'll be difficult to find a... I mean, do you think a mare would find me... uhm, would one... what kind of qualities do I have that mares might... I mean..."

 

Dax's face had turned an interesting shade of Embarrassment Red.  Chances were, unless Illiad spoke up, Dax would be hemming and hawing all day... maybe even all night, too.  But the look on his face was so serious; it was hard not to grin at the sight.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad gave a bit of a laugh before proceeding. "I suppose I wouldn't know too much about that sort of thing, given that I am still single after all. Though that might change with Silver. Personally? I think you'll find someone, it may not be soon but you're kind and caring. Determined to do the right thing. The best advice I can give is to be the kind of pony you want in your life. All you're lacking is good social skills, you aren't used to socializing so that might make it hard, but love finds a way as Princess Cadence is so fond of saying." He had a slight smile at that, "It doesn't hurt that you're a decent looking colt, and wealth attracts many mares. Your problem is not going to be finding a mare, but finding one worth keeping."

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

He was quiet for a moment; not a bad quiet, but more of a thoughtful one.  His emotional state was stable... but wherever he was within his own head, he was deep.

 

"Father wants me to take over the Quarry one day.  He's told me that he won't be around forever, and that he wants to see it go into good hooves.  That's... kinda strange - knowing that Father thinks I'll naturally do a good job.  Tough, too - I kinda feel pressured into doing it, though.  I mean, I have no idea what the rest of Equestria is really like, y'know?  Heck, I've never really gone to many places... except Manehattan and Ponyville, but only a few times."

 

He shifted a bit where he was sitting in the murky sand.  

 

"Downstream from here a good way, the silt from the mining runs into the river.  The silt turns the water black; it's where our family name comes from.  Lotsa ponies around here would say that was fitting... our name doesn't instill a lot of good feelings in others.  Father says it was my grandfather's fault for driving down our reputation... but I've heard others say that it's always been like that.  The Blackwaters are thought of as mean, cruel and underhooved... pretty much wherever pones have heard the name."

 

When he looked up at Illiad, he seemed both haunted and ashamed.

 

"... is that what I have to look forward to?"

 

The Empathic could feel Dax fighting the heartbreak he was feeling - the poor fella was trying to hold in his sadness so it wouldn't hurt his friend, and even though he wasn't being very successful, there was still a marked difference in output as Dax bit back his tears.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad sighed, it seemed it would be harder than he thought. But a thought occurred to him. "Perhaps that is what you have ahead of you, but you can change the notion. A poor reputation may proceed you, but you have the power to change their minds, to show them the good that you can do. They may not see it initially, but if you keep at it you can change their minds for the better. As to your emotional stability, I figured out what's wrong, why you're different than your parents. You can't hold your feelings in, they just build up until you cant hold them anymore. If you let your emotions flow freely you wont have the buildup/release cycle that your parents do. Don't hold back for my sake, I can handle quite a bit."

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax grew quiet again.  He wasn't brooding or moody; he was simply thinking.

 

It was obvious that Illiad's words struck a chord in Dax somewhere.  The young stallion seemed to be taking the time to piece together the wisdom imparted to him, and when he concentrated, he did so with as much gusto and wholeheartedness as he did just about anything else.

 

His brow dropped, but he wasn't angry... at least, he wasn't putting off anger.  But he did seem to be taking just as serious a stance with this thought as he had with the one about mares.  After a moment, the soft chuckle of the creek accompanying him, Dax spoke.

 

"It wasn't too long ago that Father had been having some issues with some of the miners; nothing business-wise - all personal, as far as the workers were concerned.  So my Father told me I was not allowed to go down to the mines; I think he was afraid the wrong miners would try to hurt me.  He ORDERED me not to go there... but I did."

 

"I got down in the mines and the other workers started teasing me a bit for being the rich colt on the hill, but then I started kicking rocks with them... they saw that I could keep up pretty well, and it's where I found out about my special sense for emeralds.  With my sense and their help, we found the biggest emerald in Equestrian history right there, in the quarry mines."

 

"When Father found out, he was actually pretty proud of his workers - until Oglevy ratted me out to him.  Father was FURIOUS; he yelled at me, saying all sorts of stuff that I never thought I'd hear him say.  But it was how he punished me that stuck with me, and it's the reason the regular miners hate me."

 

Dax looked at Illiad, hurting... but, somewhere inside, there was a small bar of cold steel, too.

 

"The miners call me Pink-Slip because Father made me fire each and every miner who had ever called me 'friend', to teach me a lesson.  That's why they think I'm bad luck - because I cost almost 40 quarry workers their jobs that day."

 

He stopped there, a grim look on his muzzle as he sat there, staring into the water.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad's expression dropped. A familiar cool rage like before, but not nearly as intense.

 

"That was wrong of your father to do. Simple as that. And given what I saw earlier it has permanently damaged your relations with the quarry. No worker who knows the story will respect you out of anything but fear. If you do take over they will have to go."

 

His expression softened.

 

"You are certainly in a poor set of circumstances, and I'm sorry because there is nothing I can do to help this. On the bright side? You made almost forty friends in that time. The true friends among them will recognize that your father is to blame. I think that's why you still have good relations with some of the more important ponies in the quarry. They know who is really responsible."

 

Illiad looked off into the water, sighing before pulling his gem from his robe. It floated point up in front of him, slowly spinning.

 

"I sometimes wish I could help everyone, that I could make sure everyone had a good life. But there's always those you can't help, an action you can't fix."

 

He sighed.

 

"Despite all my power, I can't fix this. But you have a choice, you can follow Harcourt's example and leave. Denounce your father for his actions and don't look back. Or, you can stay and endure. Strive to be a better stallion than your father was, than your father is."

 

The gem grew outward into a tree of branching paths that coalesced into a set of scales, balanced.

 

"There's a possibility for happiness whichever you choose, I can't objectively say that one is better than the other, but if you don't make a choice you will forever wonder what it might have been like. Choose, and be determined. Personally? I think you should stay. Family is important, even when they don't always make the best decisions." 

 

He sighed again. "I'm sorry, I know I don't know all there is to know about your situation. I wish I could be of more help to you." The scales returned to the diamond shape. Illiad stared into it with sad eyes as it continued to float despite him having released his magic.

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax's face got somber.

 

"I know you can't fix this, Illiad; I didn't actually ask you to - but thanks for your concern.  I get the idea behind what Father did... I just don't understand why he was so adamant about not working in the mines.  I mean, HE worked in the mines when he was young - there's photographs to prove it - so why can't I?"

 

He stared at the creek, the water flowing past, the grass swaying near the sides... then at the unicorn.

 

"I think going to Troy will be really good for me; I've been thinking a lot about it, and this will be a chance to actually experience time completely out of... well, here.  My Mother... she likes me to be close.  Father doesn't dote on me like she does, but he keeps his eye on me.  This will really be my first time sans parentis, so to speak." 

 

He grinned ever so slightly.

 

"I hope it won't be the last, y'know?"

 

Dax looked up at the darkening sky through the hole in the canopy and stood up.

 

"My other buddies will be here soon; I should get ready.  You're welcome to help yourself to any of the foodstuffs in the trunk."

 

With that, he went over to the telescope case and brought it to the middle of the campsite, near the currently cold fire pit.  He began to set it up, taking his time and being exceedingly careful with it.  As he did, Illiad could feel his mood lightening - the stars were apparently just the thing the young Blackwater needed to lift his spirits.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad sincerely hoped that 'other buddies' referred to some sentient creatures and not the stars. Even if it was just some local wildlife that he had befriended, that would be preferable to being literally his only friend.

 

To be honest, Illiad thought that time outside of his parent's supervision would be good for him. Even out here he was too close to feel actually free from their influence. How would he react once he knew his parents weren't watching?

 

Illiad had some more of the apple he had grabbed earlier while he waited for Dax to return.

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

After some fiddling with the dials, Dax stood at the eyepiece, looking through to get his view straight.  As he did, he stuck his tongue out of the corner of his mouth - concentrating like he was, he probably had no idea he even did that. 

 

"There... right where I want ya!"

 

He trotted back over to Illiad, a subdued smile decorating his face.

 

"Okay, I've got the scope pointed at the part of the sky you'll start seeing 'em through first - once it gets dark enough, you can pan your view to the right; as long as you keep it even with the lowest star you can see, you'll be fine."

 

He motioned his Trojan buddy over to the tripod, then looked up through the hole.

 

"Y'should be able to see 'em about now - I insist that you look first; you're the guest here, Illiad."

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad walked over to the tripod to look through the telescope. It looked like it worked similar to the hobbyist one he had used in his youth. "This really is a nice telescope you have here. Much easier to use than the one I had when I was a younger colt like you." 

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

The point where the telescope had been adjusted to was Dax's surprise; the first thing Illiad saw was the Horsehead Nebula.

 

 

"That's the Horsehead Nebula - I thought it'd be a good thing to start with!"

 

The picture through the telescope was not only exquisitely clear, but this far from any sort of lights made it certain that Illiad saw each and every star there was to see.  It was a beautiful view, to be certain - and the pride coming from Dax was evident.

 

"From there, if you pan right, you'll see more!"

 

There certainly were more...

 

 

"I'm so glad my buddies are here to meet my newest buddy!  This is SO awesome, isn't it?  OH!  Ooooooh, wait!"

 

Dax gently interrupted Illiad.  "There's a phenomenon I've been watching for a few of weeks now - lemme find it, it's so COOL!"

 

He swiveled the view like an expert, scanned for only a moment before the Empathic could tell he'd found it; the swell of love for those stars was unmistakable.

 

"There!  Look at that!"

 

The next view was also rather impressive...

 

 

"I've been watching that one for quite a moment now; it began to spread not too long ago - it's just magnificent!"

 

Dax commenced about an hour long speech about the stars.  It was obvious that the friends Dax spoke of were indeed the stars; the way he spoke about each one, you'd think they were like family to him.  He continued on about names, positions during the seasons, old fables about what the constellations meant... in fact, Dax was presenting everything in a very professional and straight-forward manner.

 

After a while, Dax simply sat down and spoke.  Eventually, he just got quiet and looked at the night sky, a beautiful lake of light shimmering between the canopy's leafy shores.

 

 

"Stars never judge, y'know?  They shine down on you, no matter what kind of pony you are."

 

 

 

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

It became clear to Illiad that what he feared was true. It was even possible that Dax didn't consider anyone at the quarry his friend for fear that they would be punished for it. Perhaps then Illiad was the only pony Dax considered a friend. And that was quite sad to consider.

 

Mr. Blackwater's punishment had hurt Dax bad, it wasn't right for a colt like him to fear friendship with those he spent the majority of his time with. At least I could make a difference.

 

"This really is an impressive telescope, seeing these stars with such detail, it's almost as good as the Alphyns observatory. Though that is to be expected as their telescope is one of the best ever made." Illiad stepped back from the telescope to look at the sky unassisted. This far from civilization there was little to no light pollution, similar to being on the dunes outside of Deltrot. He pulled his gem over from where it had been floating. "Do you remember the stars that helped Luna escape? The four stars around the moon that disappeared when she returned? Those were some of the most judgmental stars I ever met. But I suppose the others need not be the same."

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax was quiet for quite some time; though the general surroundings had a veritable symphony of sound, it seemed more like the Blackwater was lost in the desert between his ears than he was here in the woods near the creek.  All the same, he didn't look anywhere else but up.

 

"You've met stars..."

 

He actually did look down with that, a small smile on his face... but a deep sense of loneliness seemed to swirl inside him, and a spot of benign envy as well.  But an underpinning of weary acceptance cradled all of those feelings; Dax might have been sad and alone, true - but simply the fact that he was trying to do the right things showed that he had at least a good idea of what a friend was supposed to be.

 

"That's... amazing.  It sounds unbelievable, but I believe it."

 

He seemed to be content with his lot in life... which may have been the saddest thing of all.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad was getting anxious, he was failing to keep Dax's spirits up. Since he had found his true calling he knew why bad things had to happen to good creatures, but that didn't mean he liked it. Knowing karma was on his side, he knew things would get better for Dax eventually.

 

"You know what's more amazing, a star wants to meet you." He held out his gem towards Dax, it was glowing faintly. "I know she doesn't glow as bright as she did then, but she's still as alive as ever. Which do you want to do first, meet her? or hear the story of how I met her?"

 

Illiad knew that there could be consequences to telling this story or allowing this encounter, but he was willing to risk it to make Dax feel special. 

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax blinked, looking at the gem.

 

"But... but how can..."

 

As realization set in, Dax's face went from sad curiosity to open wonder.

 

"Really?  I mean, I know I talk to 'em all the time... but you're saying a star actually wants to talk with me?"  Dax was taken completely by surprise.  "But YOU'RE the important one here, that's why they spoke to you... why would they ever..."

 

He looked at Illiad for a moment, then looked back at the gem.

 

"... there's a story?  I'd... like to hear that, if I may please?"

 

He stared raptly at the stone, as if he was waiting for it to reach out and boop his muzzle.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

(BTW, my cannon does not include all elements of season four and beyond, most notably the elements were not returned to the tree.)

 

Illiad was glad he, or rather Selena, was able to instill such wonder. His face grew a little more serious, yet still kind.

 

"Alright, the story has some background to it so I'll start there and work forward. It all started long ago, back before Discord was defeated. You may have learned that Celestia and Luna were given the elements of harmony and defeated Discord, but that is not entirely true. The princesses found the tree of peace in the Everfree forest, and it gave them each a gift to help defeat Discord. To Celestia it gave the elements of harmony, and to Luna it gave the scales of balance. Together they defeated Discord and restored peace to the world. Each of their respective gifts were too great to be wielded by any individual, so they divided their gifts and formed groups to share the burden. Celestia formed the elements of harmony as you know them today, and Luna formed the Balance. The Balance were composed of four distinct pairs, Good and Evil, Sickness and Health, Rain and Shine, and Wisdom and Strength. The first three were better known as the balance of Karma, Life, and Weather respectively. Each balance had their own special gem that assisted them in their tasks of balance, Karma had a cloud diamond as good and evil are nebulous concepts that can change based on the perspective, Life had a fire ruby as fire can save lives as well as end them, Weather had a storm sapphire which allowed them to create or dissipate weather even if they were not a pegasus. The last had a wisdom gem, the only known in existence, a light purple octahedron that would balance the holder's wisdom and strength, making them as smart as they were strong or vice versa, which ever was higher. Anyway, As Celestia bore the element of magic, Luna bore the balance of karma. Balance is not as easy as harmony as balance must be kept in a constant state of motion, an ellipse that neither gets too close to the far edges, nor to the center as if it were to achieve a perfect balance, there would be no good nor evil in the world, all would be stagnant and unchanging. As our world tends towards good, Luna was then obligated to cause bad things to happen to prevent the balance from shifting to far towards good as if it were to hit perfect good of perfect bad it would be just as bad as a perfect balance. Celestia did not see it this way and forbade Luna from doing what she had to to keep the world in balance, eventually what was required to save the world was too much, she was too good a pony to do what had to be done, so she split her soul. She removed the good parts of herself and placed them in the diamond, intending to return it once her task had been completed. She became nightmare moon, threatening to end the world in order to save it. As harmony was not meant to counter balance, Celestia lost her connection by opposing Luna and banishing her. The other balance removed a shard of their gems and sent what remained to the moon to rescue Luna, each gem contained a copy of their souls and the enough charged magic to glow as brightly as any star. And so the balance became stars, the four gems working to break the spell that bound Luna and return her to the world where she could be reunited with the other half of her soul. When she returned however, the elements found her first, filling the hole she had made in her soul, and making it impossible to reunite with the part she had removed. The gems had been scattered by her return, they had to find new ponies to wield them so they went to where they could be discovered by the right individuals and reunited with the shards left behind. Celestia recovered the cloud diamond, believing it to be the source of her sister's corruption she locked it away. Until I, as the new balance of karma, was sent to recover it. The soul that Luna had left had grown conscious over the thousand years, a being of magic that named itself Selena."

 

The gem floated upward and towards Dax until it was fairly close to his face.

 

"In a way I am important, but my importance relies on the fact that no one knows I'm important. Thus I must ask that you not tell anyone what I told you."

 

Illiad looked back up at the sky. "She is not like the rest of the stars in the sky, those are not conscious, and technically Selena was never really a star, but astronomers named her such and so she is."

 

Looking back towards Dax. "She has the same dream-walking ability that Luna has, so you will meet her when you go to sleep tonight. I hope the story made sense to you, though I would be happy to clarify any points that weren't clear." 

 

(Now you know most of the full story and a key part of my cannon)

Edited February 18, 2016 by Illiad Easle

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax listened intently, never losing interest or fidgeting like other teenagers might; he was effectively a prisoner of the tale's cell, and he wanted no key.  After Illiad finished speaking, Dax kept looking at the gem, the wonder in his eyes genuine and fresh - and he spoke to it, though the look on his face showed a bit of hesitancy.

 

"H-h-hello, Selena... it is nice to m-meet you."

 

He almost whispered the greeting to the gem, as if he expected it to fall apart at the slightest breath. 

 

He then stepped back reverently, and looked at the unicorn with a combination of awe and curiosity.  His emotional state was one of reverence, and his entire body language was that of someone who was afraid they would wake the world with a single sniffle.  His shining emerald eyes wide, he spoke quietly.

 

"I won't say a word.  Why would I?  This is definitely one of the coolest things I've ever known... but, there's something that makes me wonder, Illiad; what happened to the Wisdom Gem?  You told me about the other pairs, but you didn't cover what happened to that one - does Princess Celestia have it?  Does Princess Luna?  What happened to it?"

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad's expression fell slightly, he feared he might have made himself appear too distant.

 

"We don't know, both the shard and the piece that was sent to save Luna are still missing to us. The shard was expected as all the shards went missing over the thousand year absence, but the wholes were recovered fairly quickly after her return. We've been looking for it but no luck so far. I trust it will eventually find its way into the right hooves."

 

(I know exactly where the two pieces are, The shard is with Trojan Deep Science if you want to go after that, the whole is with a dragon, now the smartest individual ever.) 

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

He gave a curious glance at Illiad, but returned his gaze to the gemstone soon enough.

 

"Pieces of stars... of Luna's soul... I don't know what to say, Illiad; I'm really honored and flattered that you shared this... her... with me.  I'm worried, though - if there are other ponies with abilities like yours, will they be able to see it in my mind?  Will I even have to worry about that?"

 

He returned to silence for a moment, still staring.  Then, "I hope she likes me."  

 

A small grin appeared, and eagerness and hope began flowing from the Earth Pony.  Seems like someone was going to be happy to get to sleep tonight.  Speaking of night, it was certainly dark out... dark and cold.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad shivered slightly from the cold, he wove a warming enchantment into his robes, replacing the protection one from when he arrived.

 

"Empathics can't read your mind Dax, you don't need to worry about that. And as long as no one knows you know then you wont have to worry about coercion either. I think Selena likes you just fine, remember how she was half of Luna's soul? Well, in my being the new balance of karma, part of me is in her too, though she is mostly Luna." Illiad looked around again. "It certainly gets cold here at night, much colder than in Troy." 

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax blinked a few times rapidly, refocusing from the hypnosis the Cloud Diamond had him under.  He then gave a soft chuckle.

 

"Yeah, this far north?  It gets plenty cold in the winter; still kinda cold in the summer, too.  But you're living in Troy - hare, stay right there."

 

Dax made his way into the tent, and after a bit of shuffling around from inside, he poked his head out. 

 

"Okay, c'mon - there's a blanket in here that I'm sure has your name on it!"

 

When he looked inside, Illiad saw what was what - the tent was somewhat big, but roughly half of the room in it was taken up with an 'Outdoor Study' of sorts; an actual desk with paper and quills and ink... a mirror and a washbasin... a small, worn yet comfy-looking stool... an actual filing cabinet... all of which was fairly tidy, if a tad cluttered.

 

In the other half of the tent, there were twin squares of layered blankets, complete with pillows.  In the center was a magic-powered lantern, turned high enough to see, but low enough to still get a fantastic view of the sky through the mesh windows.

[Illiad Easle 3,156]

@@Randimaxis,

 

Illiad looked around, impressed by the little room. "This is a nice little place you've got here. Cozy, it reminds me of my little work room back home." As Illiad had no idea as to where it would be acceptable to sit, and he didn't want to look like he didn't know what he was doing, he turned his attention back to the stars through the mesh windows. 

[Randimaxis 8,652]

@@Illiad Easle

 

Dax motioned to the blankets.

 

"You can take either side - I'm not picky.  I don't think I snore, so you should sleep fine... if it's still cold, let me know and I can come up with another blanket."

 

He looked about as Illiad complimented the place.  "Yeah, I brought all this stuff little by little; this is where I like to stay, after all.  Might as well have myself a little home here, including some creature comforts."

 

He watched Illiad for a moment, simply enjoying the company of a real, honest-to-goodness friend.

 

"So, you uhm... are you tired, or do you wanna talk some more?  Either way, I'm fine with it."

 

He smiled kindly.

 

"I'm just happy I'm not by myself."