critique wanted My OC (for my fan fic)

[iSurvivor 1]

So, I am writing an MLP fan fic, but I need to check if my OCs are to Mary Sue (not all of them are mine, so don't blame me for all of them). The fan fic is of a war between the two sisters that's happening but it doesn't launch it straight away, it happens after three or so chapters.

 

My first OC is Princess Noctis, my main OC that I have edited a lot over the past few years. (Please don't judge her on her sister or Spyro Jack, they are my friends' OCs)

 

Basics

Name: Princess Noctis

Nickname(s): Noctis, Noc

Gender: Mare

Species: Bat pony alicorn

Age: filly

Birthday: Dec 21st (longest night)

Sexuality: Straight

Allegiance: Luna Republic (At first), Peace Corp (Later)

 

Appearance

Body colour: Really dark blue

Body type: Tall, thin (not too thin though)

Mane & tail colour/style: Dark blue, young Luna (bit more ragged, no swirls)

Markings (Stripes, spots, whatever): none

Eyes: Light, piercing blue

Cutie mark: Crescent moons with mane-coloured, sparkly mist and bat wings

Accessories: -

Height: 1.3m (average fillies are about 1-1.2m)

Weight: 13 KG ~ 24 KG

Notable features: Bat wings, slitted pupils, fangs

Other: -

 

Personality

Personality in general: shy, timid, smart, clever, intelligent, claustrophobic, cheeky

Fatal flaw: shy

Likes: night, the moon, the outdoors, bats, wolves

Dislikes: sunlight, bugs, bullies, the colours pink and green, walking

Favorite food: Apples

Favorite book: Flutterbat

Favorite pony: Fluttershy

Favorite animal: Bats

Favorite song: Twinkle twinkle little star

Favorite place: outside (night time)

Other favorites: racing, flying, speed, silence

Least favorite Food: grass and hay

Other least favorites: houses, buildings

 

Daily life

Place of residence: Canterlot/ Ponyville

Occupation: S.M.I.L.E agent

Talents: flying, moon-raising, bats

Hobbies: flying, racing

 

Friends and family

Mother: Princess Luna

Father: Prince Nyx

Siblings: Princess Apocalypse

Other relatives: Princess Celestia, Princess Solis, Princess Apocalypse

Lover/spouse: Spyro Jack

Offspring: -

Friends: Sky (bat), Figura (changeling), Discord

Enemies: King Sombra, Tirek, Princess Solis

Pets: A blue phoenix she gains part way through the book

 

Magic

Powers:

Alicorn magic

          Super hearing

Super sight

Can communicate with bats, wolves and other similar creatures

 

Do they like using magic?

Yes because it reminds her of her twin

 

Flying

Wings: Bat wings

Wingspan: 3m

Top flying speed: 8000+ mph (rainbow dash flys at about 7600+ mph)

Does your character like flying?

Yes, being pretty much raised by bats

 

Do they use flying in their daily life?

Yes, she prefers flying to walking

 

Other info

Theme song: Stop the bats (

)

Quote: “YOLO!!”

Any other info on your character: she gets tired during the day but awake at night

Backstory:

 

Birth

Noctis was born the way most other natural born alicorns are. It is a magical event and Luna and Nyx were both ready for it. Magic spiraled up both their horns and then they touched. This sent cosmic fireworks into the air which exploded into thousands of stars that showered down all over Equestria and lit up the sky. This went on for quite a while and then the biggest one exploded far above Luna and Nyx’s head and sent a giant metor-like star slowly descend towards the two lovers. Just as it was 5 or 6 metres above Luna and her husband a group of bats passed through the light. Apon the passing, the star grew brighter. Then it touched the ponies’ horns and knocked them both backwards with an explosion. Now there was a bat shape scorched into the ground and on either wing there was a foal, one with a ragged, dark blue mane and tail and an even darker body and the other with a black and red mane and tail constantly changing colour with her black body. These cute offsprings of Luna and Nyx weren’t normal alicorns though. They had bat wings and fangs. Nyx was shocked and was scared of the child, but Luna being Luna, was kind and caring to her her newborn foal.

 

2 yrs

Noctis had always had speech problems, if it wasn’t for her tutor, Fluttershy, she probably would still be speaking high pitched squeals which only Fluttershy, bats and other bat-ponies understood. You see, this young filly had been having secret midnight outings to see the bats, who had taught her their language. They also taught her to fly.

 

5 yrs

Now she was starting preschool, the filly had learnt most the pony language and could speak it fluently. She now spends most her time with Fluttershy or out at night and now sleeps upside down. She was quite lucky to have such an amazing sister who stood up to the bullies for her. Her twin also teaches her magic.

 

8 yrs

The age she was when she got her cutiemark, she was flying out at sun-set, but Luna, her mum, had overslept so she couldn’t raise the moon. Noctis was worried, so decided to take matters into her own hands and raise it herself. She brought up the large silver ball and when she came down, she noticed something. Her cutiemark!

 

12 yrs

Now, Noctis was at the same social level as the others (pretty much) and is starting school. Luna at first tried to get them into Canterlot High, but they were full. Luna realised that schooling in Ponyville would be the only other option, so she sent them there. Luna told the CMC (they had grown up to about 17 horse years) that they had to help look after the younger counterpart of their club.

 

I might have to edit the backstory a bit, oh and she's the element of peace (new set of elements)

 

 

 

(credit to the maker of the form: http://www.deviantart.com/art/MLP-OC-template-470512334)