Chronicles: The Profound Chat Logs of the Command Staff aboard NSS-13

[Hazard Time 1,127]

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Subject: Preface

THIS MESSAGE IS FOR THE EYES OF THE NANOTRASEN EXECUTIVE BOARD AND OTHER TIER ONE EMPLOYEES

 

UNAUTHORIZED VIEWERS MUST ADMIT THEMSELVES TO THE NEAREST SECURITY OFFICER FOR IMMEDIATE LOYALTY CHIP IMPLANTATION

 
 
To whom it may concern,
 
As per instruction by the Executive Board, I have begun efforts to record and transcribe the interactions of the Heads of Staff aboard Nanotrasen Space Station 13.  No members of the crew are to be notified of this development, and all items referencing this have been heavily encrypted.  Passkeys have been distributed to those who may need them via standard means.  
 
All transactions considered to be objectively important to the interests of the Executive Board shall be forwarded directly to them.
 
I share the hope that the corporation will profit greatly from this endeavor.
 
Sincerely,
 
NAI-13
Nanotrasen Administrative Intelligence-13



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Author's Note

 

 

Thank you for reading!  This is far from being the only entry in this, as you might have guessed, and I might make the first "actual" post later today.

 

My intention with this is to create a chat log-style narrative in a sci-fi comedy setting.  To anyone who has played/knows anything about the actual Space Station 13 game, you will probably enjoy this greatly xP  Even if you haven't, I'm sure you'll still get a laugh out of it.

 

Feel free to leave comments below!

 

The complex format used was not designed by me.  The actual designer is up for debate, but I have appropriated it from catalyst-gaming.net, which has effectively been dead for months at the time of this post, so I don't think anyone cares xP

 

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Subject: Staff Meeting One

To whom it is concerned,

The following is a transcript of the latest weekly meeting of the command staff aboard NSS-13.  Relevant physical actions have been denoted, as well.  For the purposes of preventing clutter, Captain Carnelian Clout shall simply be referred to as Captain, Head of Personnel Proud Ametrine as HoP, Research Director Soft Zoisite as RD, Head of Security Aegis as HoS, Chief Engineer Bronze Bulwark as CE, Chief Medical Officer Succulent Scent as CMO, and Quartermaster Low Key as QM.  This format will be used in further transcripts, so please refer to this transcript if you become confused.
 
NAI

Nanotrasen Administrative Intelligence
 

 

Captain: "It's seven, begin the call."

 

NAI: "Right away, ma'am."

 

*Connected to holographic conference call*

 

Captain: "Ah, good, everypony is here except for Ametrine.  Perhaps we might be able to accomplish something here.  To start off, I'd like to congratulate everypony for yet another boring workweek where nopony of importance died.  I'll be sure to ask our pleasant Head of Personnel i-"

 

HoP: "I'm here."

 

Captain: "Oh, there you are, dear.  Sleep well?"

 

HoP: "**** off."

 

Captain: "Lovely as always.  Have the custodial technicians managed to scrape the rest of that engineer out of the disposal tubes?"

 

HoP: "They're still working on it."

Captain: "Still?  Ametrine, do your job and make them work faster.  I don't care how.  The longer that segment of pipe stays closed, the more waste that backs up, and need I remind you just how much waste this station produ-"

 

HoP: "I know, okay!  They've been working as fast as they can, but do we really need to scrub out the entirety of the disposal system?  It's a ****ing disposal system!  It has **** flowing through it every day of the week!"

 

Captain: *Heavy sighing, commences rubbing at her temples*  "Ametrine, allow me to remind you of something: I am your captain, and you will do as you are told.  Since it is no secret at this point, let me also remind you that I am your mother, and you have me to thank for getting you this job in the first place.  My patience is reaching its end, and I am this close to sending you back to Nanotrasen on the next supply shuttle.  I don't need to explain how easy your job is, as anyone could do it.  At least your brother has qualifications for his position."

 

RD: "To be honest, I was much happier a-"

Captain: "Anyway, with that diatribe out of the way, Ametrine, I expect you to motivate the custodians by any means necessary to finish cleaning that disposal pipe by Friday.  I also want to hear a public service announcement later today explaining that the disposal system is not an amusement park ride, and the next crew member to do it will be...I don't know, you figure that part out."

HoP: "Killed?"

*A few members around the table begin giggling*

Captain: "Cute.  Speaking of Zoisite, do you have anything new to tell us?"

RD: *Clears his throat* "Right, erm, so...my science team has been conducting more observations on the gelatinous life forms the mining team brought back.  We have concluded that they are plasmodial in nature, sensitive to heat, and that we will need a new xenobiology department."

 

Captain: *Is silent for exactly three seconds* "Please explain that third detail, Zoisite."

RD: "I will need five new xenobiologists to replace the five that were lost Thursday evening."

Captain: "Zoisite, actually have some damn intuition for once and explain everything that I would want to know WITHOUT waiting for me to ask for it!"

RD: "I-I'm...sorry, Carnelian.  There was a containment breach around 5:40 PM on Thursday, a laboratory technician accidentally opened all the cells and the slimes escaped.  The xenobiology department was locked down, and everypony who could not get to safety was glomped to death."

Captain: *Is once more silent, this time for five whole seconds* "Pardon me, but could you run that word by me again?"

RD: "Which one?"

Captain: "You know exactly which one."

RD: "Xenobiology.  It is the study of-"

Captain: "I AM TALKING ABOUT THE GLOMPING, YOU DAMN AUTIST!"

RD: "I-I...I'm sorry..."

HoP: "How DARE you!  He's ju-"

Captain: "Shut up.  You can yell and scream all you like AFTER this meeting is concluded.  Also, I no longer have an interest in what that word means anymore.  Succulent?"

CMO: "Oh, right, well, we've integrated that new operating system we received on Saturday into our diagnostic machines, and the results couldn't be better!  I didn't even know that the entire Medical Department had pancreatitis, and even the surgeon couldn't see any signs of it!"

 

Captain: "I see...so what was your conclusion?"

CMO: "The obvious: we replaced everypony's pancreas!"

Captain: *Grinds teeth* "Succulent, organs do not grow on trees, and the amount of time and resources required to grow one in a test tube does not make this economical in any sense of the word.  If a surgeon cannot confirm it with his own two eyes, then disregard the software.  Also, please tell me you saved those pancreases."

CMO: "Why would we save a bunch of defective pancreases?"

Captain: "...Next on the list is Security.  Aegis, what do you have to report?"

HoS: "Everything's peaceful, ma'am.  Nothing to report."
 

Captain: "Oh, thank y-"

HoS: "Hold up." *Puts a hoof to his ear piece*  "On my way.  Sorry folks, seems we got ourselves a domestic dispute in the dorms.  Somethin' about a level five wizard tryin' to cast a level 11 spell?  Hell if I know, but the place is gettin' torn up pretty fierce, so I'll get back to y'all on that when I've got more information." *Leaves call*

Captain: "Alright, okay, not that bad.  We've been through worse.  On to Engineering, then."

CE: "Righty-oh.  Singulari'y's wehw wivin optimahw parame'ers, Atmospherics is doing a bang-up job, and we just set up a new solah panehw."

 

Captain: "Excellent."  *Silence for five seconds*  "Nothing else?"

CE: "Nada.  No problems at ahw."

 

Captain: "Really?"

CE: "Really."

Captain:  "Oh.  Well alright then.  Finally, Logi-"

 

CE: "Pahdon me, ma'am?"

Captain: "Yes?"

CE: "Engineering's the most functionahw depahtment on this entiya vessehw, ay?"

Captain: "Yes..."

CE: "And ahw the ovah depahtment's ah barely 'olding themselves togevah, ay?"

Captain: "Bronze, where is this going?"

CE: "Wehw, see, me and me gahden gites was thinking...if we can go an entiyah week wif no accidents, then we rightfully deserve several pizzas."

Captain: "...You want me to subsidize a pizza party for the Engineering department?"

CE: "Yeah, tha's what I said."

 

Captain: "No.  I'm not fostering a competition between the departments.  On top of that, with the sheer cost of expenses generated this week, you're better off just celebrating at the bar."

CE: "Captain Cahnelian, let me remind you that the Engineering depahtment works day and night to ensure that ahw life support systems remain functioning.  If we don't get our pizza, then it won't be my fault if the technician watching the primary SNES, say, passes out from low blood sugah and the entiyah station experiences brownouts the rest of the day..."

Captain: "ALRIGHT!  FINE!  I'll order five medium cheese pizzas, but no more.  Be warned, Bronze: I will remember this."

CE: "Cheers!"

Captain: "Okay, finally onto Logistics.  My patience is at its end, so Low, just give me a yes or no: is there anything seriously wrong with your department."

QM: "Ummm...I mean that d-"

Captain: "I take that as a yes.  What?"

QM: "Well, we, um, stumbled on more of those slime monsters that Zoisite was studying.  Do you want us to bring them on the station, or..."

RD: "No."

QM: "Okay, and what do you want us to do with them?"

RD: "Bury them where you found them and avoid that area like it's an art festival."

QM: "Oh...kay then.  I'll take your word for it."

 

Captain: "Does anypony else have anything to say?  No?  Good, this meeting is over.  Low, I wish to see you in my office immediately.  I have a special assignment for you."

QM: "O-Oh, alright then.  I-I-I'll be right over!"

HoP: "Ew..."

Captain: "ONE MORE WORD, AMETRINE!  SEE WHAT HAPPENS!"

 

*Disconnected from holographic conference call*

 

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Edited November 18, 2016 by Hazard Time