writing Journey

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

Silver Arrow's theme song on me actually inspired this poem. Got me really going. Here it is:

 

It's been a long journey.

Everyday, we've been searching of what we seek.

I reach out my hands,

Into the heavens,

Into the stars,

Into reality,

Into life.

And I grasp the fruit of my all.

 

Run, little woman, run.

Whatever you are,

Whoever you are,

Run.

Don't look back.

The beasts will devour you.

 

The jewel sparkles in my eyes,

And I see the light of my soul,

Tantalizing.

Calling.

Screaming.

 

The journey continues,

In spite of anything I do,

In spite of the pain of my heart.

Neverending,

Neverceasing.

 

Even when I have found The One,

The One to share my sorrows,

My dreams,

My hopes,

Myself...

The eyes of the evil beast gaze back.

 

I shove my fist in the face of my oppressors,

Fast and sure,

As hard as I can!

It's been a long, sad, hard life.

And I still have to fight.

 

 

Run, little woman, run!

But I no longer run,

From the ends of my earth,

From the demons in my eyes.

 

They found me but a child,

And ravaged my soul.

Hell, maybe I'm a beast too!

Maybe they made me that way.

The bile of the beasts flowing through my skin,

The beasts that are and are not myself,

Their venom eating me.

 

But I think to myself,

Yesterday I bled.

And today I smile.

The wounds will heal,

And the journey still continues.

 

Today I burn!

With the ultimate ascension of my being.

As I become a beautiful beast,

A creature of strength and heart,

A creature of resolve,

A creature on a mission.

 

I set out to dawn,

The sun's kiss upon me,

My eyes looking out blearily.

My legs march through the grass,

A journey keeps going.

A new journey begun.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Arylett Dawnsborough

[MVC NVMXD JVRXD 2,406]

Very nice, Arylett!

[Inkfeather 597]

It's a tad repetitive, and it's lacking structure compared to the theme you're acquiring. It's beautifully written with a powerful motive, but the lack of structure personally throws me off the course. It's hard to recite when every sentence have a new rhythm.

 

I really like the idea of the poem, but if you write it as repetitive as

 

"Into the heavens,

Into the stars,

Into reality,

Into life.

And I grasp the fruit of my life."

 

You use "life" twice as the ending word, making it even more repetitive and when you use the kind of structure you did when writing "Into" etc. then try and keep up that structure for the next verses and make and overall relation between all the verses of the poem that way.

 

I think it's a nice poem, keep up the good work and try to experiment with the structure!

[Arylett Charnoa 4,919]

Very nice, Arylett!

 

Thank you!

It's a tad repetitive, and it's lacking structure compared to the theme you're acquiring. It's beautifully written with a powerful motive, but the lack of structure personally throws me off the course. It's hard to recite when every sentence have a new rhythm.

 

I really like the idea of the poem, but if you write it as repetitive as

 

"Into the heavens,

Into the stars,

Into reality,

Into life.

And I grasp the fruit of my life."

 

You use "life" twice as the ending word, making it even more repetitive and when you use the kind of structure you did when writing "Into" etc. then try and keep up that structure for the next verses and make and overall relation between all the verses of the poem that way.

 

I think it's a nice poem, keep up the good work and try to experiment with the structure!

 

My poems are just meant to be stuff that flows out, very stream-of-consciousness. Most of them don't have any coherent or intentional structure. It just sort of came out during the music. It would feel restricting for me to follow a very tight structure and keep repeating things over and over again. I'm aware that I'm not really a real or serious poet. It's just pure expression.

 

But the structure is sort of connected as there are several times where phrases repeat in the same way, two, three or four times. It's just not the same phrases. Like:

 

A creature of strength and heart,

A creature of resolve,

A creature on a mission

 

Agreed with on the double life part. That was actually something I didn't notice. So I changed it.

 

Thanks for the criticism though. I do appreciate it, and I'm not trying to reject it or anything though.