writing Bloody Canvas (Narrative Poem)

[Samurshy 708]

Fear was gripping me, as I held my sword tight.

One against five, now that was hardly a fair fight.

Their blood lust was unquenchable and their faces were livid.

Their stench was of decay, their blood stained skin was vivid.

They smiled grimly, their insults cut deeply and soon their swords would too.

Rain poured down upon us, and the sky was no longer any shade of blue.

I narrowed my eyes and opened my mouth uttering one single word.

Fight,

They drew their weapons to show that they had heard.

A skinny man jumped from the fray as nimble as a feline.

The first blow I blocked, the second was not as benign.

A laceration appeared on my arm, blood trickled down with the rain.

My anger flourished, and I could no longer feel any pain.

I dodged a sideswipe and amputated his hand at the wrist.

I ended his life with the flick of my blade, his friends were truly pissed.

Two vehement men charged at me, both of fair size.

But I was a flash, a blur, in an instant the two met their demise.

Astonished, the two remaining men finally recognized who I was.

They tried to run and tried to hide and they did this all because,

I am an assassin,

Alone

I stand in this world of red stained mud.

For my canvas is the ground and my paint is the enemies blood

[Finesthour 7,287]

My critique:

• An ABAB poem, not a bad choice. Although you need to space out your poem. You're going for an ABAB, so keep them together as such.
• I like the imagry going on in this poem, and the rhymes actually work.
• "They drew their weapons to show that they had heard.

  A skinny man jumped from the fray as nimble as a feline." What happened to your rhyming there? It just... stopped.

• From the mistake above, the rest of the poem starts to look odd, because your rhymes are uneven.
• I know you used the one word lines for affect, but it goes against your ABAB style, which throws the reader off.

​Not a bad poem, not a bad poem at all. Average.

3/5

[Samurshy 708]

My critique:

• An ABAB poem, not a bad choice. Although you need to space out your poem. You're going for an ABAB, so keep them together as such.
• I like the imagry going on in this poem, and the rhymes actually work.
• "They drew their weapons to show that they had heard.

  A skinny man jumped from the fray as nimble as a feline." What happened to your rhyming there? It just... stopped.

• From the mistake above, the rest of the poem starts to look odd, because your rhymes are uneven.
• I know you used the one word lines for affect, but it goes against your ABAB style, which throws the reader off.

​Not a bad poem, not a bad poem at all. Average.

3/5

 

"I narrowed my eyes and opened my mouth uttering one single word.

Fight,

They drew their weapons to show that they had heard."

One single word and heard rhyme, the fight was thrown in there to break up the poem if you see, "Alone" is also on its own stanza so together they say "fight alone"

[Finesthour 7,287]

"I narrowed my eyes and opened my mouth uttering one single word.

Fight,

They drew their weapons to show that they had heard."

One single word and heard rhyme, the fight was thrown in there to break up the poem if you see, "Alone" is also on its own stanza so together they say "fight alone"

 

Yes, but you cannot evade the fact that it broke away from the style you were writing. What I am saying is it throws the reader off. You may know what you're doing, but the reader does not.

[Samurshy 708]

Yes, but you cannot evade the fact that it broke away from the style you were writing. What I am saying is it throws the reader off. You may know what you're doing, but the reader does not.

 

True, I did have my senior high school english teacher proofread these. Maybe she was trying to spare my feelings by only editing the superficial errors.

[Finesthour 7,287]

True, I did have my senior high school english teacher proofread these. Maybe she was trying to spare my feelings by only editing the superficial errors.

 

That is what teachers do.

 

It isn't a SERIOUS problem, it just bugged me a lot.

[Samurshy 708]

That is what teachers do.

 

It isn't a SERIOUS problem, it just bugged me a lot.

 

Well, I guess to my credit, I have not had any actual formal literary training. This is all the first stuff I ever wrote, and that was like a year ago. I am going to college in the fall to get my english major, mayhaps become an author at some point, or screen-writer. Edited July 9, 2012 by Bronynonymous