A New Fan Fic Idea

[irobern2857 95]

I am working on a fan fiction that is mlp in WWII loosely based on Band of Brothers Called Band of Bronies. Im going to be making it like Twilight is telling a story of her time in the war. The main 6 will be in the story along with a few others like Big Mac, Luna, and Trixie for smaller parts.

i have done the intro and the first chapter what do you think?

 

Band Of Bronies

 

A MLP Fan Fic by Irobern2857

 

INTRO

I still remember the war. Not many do. A few of the Ponies that were born after it say that it is just a foal’s tale, but it was real, I was there.

Every now and then my son Ramble comes to visit me. He’s a good boy but he is busy so he doesn’t spend much time here, unless he brings his daughter. Her name is Dawn Glimmer and she is only about 10 years old, but every time she comes she sits down at the foot of my rocking chair and asks, “Grandma Twilight what was the war like?”

So every time I have Spike start a good fire and make me some tea. Then I tell the same story again but she doesn’t mind because she is lost in aw every time. So I start were any one would start. In the Beginning.

 

I

Discord had taken over as chancellor of Gerpony but no one here in Equestria seemed to mind they were a full ocean away from us and nopony wanted to go to war again. Even after he took over Pwnland and the Buck Republic the only people that did anything were the cheese eating surrender ponies from Prance and they didn’t last very long. Then the good Ol’ chaps from Kingland joined in but Discord started to beat the hay out of them in their land so they were locked down. Equestria did do a little to help the Kinglish but there wasn’t much we could do without getting involved in the war ourselves.

Then the Day of Infopony happened. Discord had sided with the changelings, so we cut off all supplies that we had been giving to the changelings. That pissed of Empress Chrysalis something fierce. So one day out of nowhere the changelings hit Cloudsdale in a sneak attack.

This woke Equestria up in a hurry. That is when we started getting ready for war. We started building air balloons, boats, and tanks. Ponies started to get drafted in the Solar Military.

This is where I come in. One day a Soldier from the royal guard showed up in Ponyville. He started asking questions like, “Who wants to join the navy, the Pegasus air guard, and the infantry.”

Most had raised their hooves before his final question. “Who wants to join the Mareborn?”

No one know what this was so he explained that it was a group of ponies that would jump out of air balloons, slowly fall to the ground, land behind the enemy and engage them from the rear. (a few times I had to mention to my granddaughter that that was not what she said.) A few hooves raised I was one of them.

 

 

[Bari 7,023]

Okay, a few grammatical errors. Try to look over what you write, read through it a few times. I'd like to say for some of the parts you captured my imagination. It's just that some of the sentences don't flow right. The little problems broke the image you had in my mind. It's a very good start, but it needs a little work. If you work at it, you could be an alright writer.

[irobern2857 95]

Okay, a few grammatical errors. Try to look over what you write, read through it a few times. I'd like to say for some of the parts you captured my imagination. It's just that some of the sentences don't flow right. The little problems broke the image you had in my mind. It's a very good start, but it needs a little work. If you work at it, you could be an alright writer.

 

Thanx. this is just the first draft and ill go back through and try to fix it up. thanx for your opinion.