Revival in Equestria (Working title, Incomplete, Want critic)

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All of us (at least, all the writers) have at one point had an idea plague them for so long, and they eventually just started writing it, right? Half of the time, the idea is dumb.

 

This is one of those ideas.

 

The premise, to keep it relatively short, is that Celestia plucked out four heroes from other series universes that had died and brought them to Equestria to let them live in peace. Also, they get turned into ponies, because humans are kind of noticeable in a place where there are no humans. The story will mostly be lighthearted, but will definitely tread on some more serious matters like how the revived heroes cope with the situation and how they adapt to their life as ponies. Speaking of treading, I've probably crossed a lot of lines I shouldn't have crossed with my first fanfic (ponyfication, crossover, etc.), but it was the first idea that popped to my mind, and I wanted to see if I could actually make it work.

 

The story I have below is the first part of the first chapter, which involves The Lone Wanderer being questioned by Celestia to see if he's actually good enough (morality-wise) to be brought to Equestria. Yes, Broken Steel, but I was too cheap to get it. I'll rinse and repeat for the other three characters. Now, I would really appreciate any comments, tips, and advice about my writing style and such. What's good, what's bad, should I quit now, should I continue, whatever. Also, if you couldn't tell by the tags, I plan on having Celestia grabbing a Call of Duty character (complain later), a Final Fantasy character (lord knows I have plenty to chose from), and I still haven't decided on the last hero. So, without further ado...

 

 

The Lone Wanderer imputed the numbers 216 into the keypad. With those three numbers, he had guaranteed that the bodies of radioactive water in the Capital Wasteland would become pure and safe to drink. In exchange, he entered the room overflowing with radiation to start the purity machine, almost certainly guaranteeing his death. As the purifier activated, he thought back to what 216 meant to both him and his family; the passage in the Bible, Revelations 21:6. His father had the quote framed in his office before the Lone Wanderer was even born. He still remembered back when he was a baby, when his father first recited the quote to him. It was perhaps his oldest memory.

 

“I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely.”

 

When he left Vault 101 to find his father, he didn’t know that he would find out that his parents were involved in something called “Project Purity”, a plan to purify all the water in the area. Both of them had died before the project could be fully realized, but the Wanderer had succeeded in finishing what his parents had started. As the radioactive started to spread inside of him, he mused about how this quote had effectively summed up his life. His life had both begun and ended at this verse, and he had brought clean water to the entire land of the Capital Wasteland. He now lied on the ground, the radiation having fully gone throughout his entire body, and let the darkness overcloud him. When the room completely vanished from sight, he waited to be reunited with his mother and father.

 

At least, that’s what he thought would happen.

 

“This doesn’t have to end for you now.”

 

The voice startled the Wanderer immensely. He had never heard this woman before, nor did he understand how she was speaking to him so clearly.

 

“There’s no need to be afraid.”

 

Again, the voice rung out with its pure clarity. The Wanderer tentatively tried to speak out to her.

 

“Are… are you an angel?”

 

The voice responded with a light chuckle. “I’m not taking you to Heaven, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said. “What I want to do is give you a second chance at life.”

 

Those last words stunned him. It felt utterly surreal to him, to be given a new life after sacrificing his, but this didn’t feel like a dream to him at all. After all he’s been through, though, it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious.

 

“You don’t have any ulterior motives, do you?” he asked, a bit aggressively though with caution.

 

She chuckled again. “Not at all. All you have to do is answer three questions.”

 

The Wanderer wondered why the answer to three questions was the only thing she wanted, but for now, he obliged.

 

“What are they?” he responded.

 

“First,” she started, “why do you use violence?”

 

It was his turn to laugh. “Have you seen the world out there? I need to protect myself somehow.”

 

“But couldn’t you try talking your way out of problems?” she inquired.

 

“Sure, I try, but a raider or a deathclaw won’t exactly sit down for a cup of tea with me,” he replied with more than a hint of sarcasm in his answer.

 

“Second question,” she continued without responding again, “do you believe in your father’s cause?”

 

“Absolutely,” he said almost immediately. “Purifying the water would help the whole Capital.”

 

She paused before giving her next question, as if in thought. “Thirdly, would you mind being in a… different body?”

 

The Wanderer noticed the odd pause before mentioning the different body, but didn’t think much of it. “As long as I don’t become a mole rat or something, I wouldn’t mind much.”

 

“What about a pony?” she asked with no sign of humor in her voice.

 

The Wanderer took a few moments to answer that, mostly because he was confused why the voice would ask him that. “If I can survive, I’ll be fine.”

 

He imagined that if he could see her face, she would be smirking to that answer for some reason.

 

“You still have the mentality of a survivor,” the voice replied almost affectionately. “Now, get ready for your new life.”

 

“Wait,” the Wanderer shouted. “I don’t even know your name.”

 

“My name is Celestia.”

 

And with that, the Lone Wanderer felt himself floating away.

 

 

 

I want your honest opinion. If it's good, bad, great, horrible, whatever, tell me.

Edited August 12, 2012 by Reversinator

[Tuxedo Thunder 5]

Honest opinion time from someone who just has happened to never actually finish fallout 3... I'll get there eventually.

 

This is great, perfect, almost. What it needs is a set up for the basic setting of the capital wasteland, then this, then Equestria. I can't wait to see what you do about Price, since he isn't dead and all... And I honestly never played Kingdom Hearts, so I have no clue what to sat on that. This has the potential of an epic, but that is where you must tread carefully. An epic of grand proportion can easily fall into a repetitive line. An epic is what it is because of originality and constant stream of new and different ideas. Nothing is ever better than an original... I'm just ranting now, aren't I?

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Honest opinion time from someone who just has happened to never actually finish fallout 3... I'll get there eventually.

 

This is great, perfect, almost. What it needs is a set up for the basic setting of the capital wasteland, then this, then Equestria. I can't wait to see what you do about Price, since he isn't dead and all... And I honestly never played Kingdom Hearts, so I have no clue what to sat on that. This has the potential of an epic, but that is where you must tread carefully. An epic of grand proportion can easily fall into a repetitive line. An epic is what it is because of originality and constant stream of new and different ideas. Nothing is ever better than an original... I'm just ranting now, aren't I?

 

Thank you for the compliments, the tips, and for pointing out John Price isn't dead yet. I could have sworn he died during-wait, that's a spoiler. Still, there's an ocean of other Call of Duty characters I can choose from. Also, I don't recall ever mentioning Kingdom Hearts, but okay.

[Tuxedo Thunder 5]

I mixed up final fantasy with Kingdom Hearts... Never played that either, so yeah, can't help with that, though Siegfried from Soul Calibur would be interesting... (Dies in SC4 after battle with nightmare)

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I've never owned a Soulcalibur game, but I have played it against my friends. I can definitely look into Siegfried, though.

[Tuxedo Thunder 5]

He's a nice guy... Got caught up in the fight between the blades soul calibur and soul edge. In the end he dies saving the world...