My first fanfiction, unfinished

[Clarity 3,094]

Hello everypony!

Today I'm going to present my very first fanfiction. I'm stuck on it, though. I do have a little bit of inspiration left and I need some help on how to continue it.

I've had possibly two proofreaders and one very helpful person helping me with my fanfic! Thanks Lightning Fluttershy!

However, I do need someone with experience who can help me continue to the next part.

 

The fic is titled Only a Background Pony. No side comments about how you're seeing a "trend" about AJ being called background pony, please. This is just an idea, not an argument.

Fiction in spoiler.

 

"Who are you?"

 

That was what he asked when I followed my friends through the gates of the Canterlot Castle. It was what they all asked. That strange arch of an eyebrow when they stared at me, the confusion sometimes was even tainted with a little disgust. They then voiced the question in a clipped tone. I would reply with an answer, and many times, the disgust only deepened.

 

I've long grown used to that sort of thing now, and have endured it, but I felt as if it was a twinge of emotion, nonetheless. I don't know what it was about. My voice, my cowpony hat, or the fact that I don't wear formal attire to even these sorts of important events. Perhaps it was because of what was in my basket, which I carried with my mouth: Apples. As usual, none of them would want their royal lips touched by common carnival fare, especially those being sold by a common farmer. They’d never and have never bought 'em.

 

They look down at us as if we're lowlier creatures than them, somepony who's only there to help clean up all their garbage and serve them with fine silverware. To them, they merely saw bedraggled farmers who've spent the whole morning applebucking the trees with barely seconds to rest under the shade. Manes untidy, hooves muddied, the body cloaked with "ickiness", as my friend, Rarity would have put it.

 

Our family lost a perfectly good bunch of ripe sweet apples because of that. I thought back to the barrels full of rotten apples last month. They didn't start like that, sure as I'm here.

 

It was Applebuck Season at Sweet Apple Acres. The Pegasi did- well, maintained the sunny weather. It was neither too hot nor cold, pefect for doing chores and work outside. Big Macintosh, always the hard worker, took his plow over to the bare areas and planted the apple seeds. Fresh, bright red apples hung from the trees, just waiting to be bucked by me. I ran over to the tree and gave it a good 'ol thwack, and it fell as easily as raindrops from a storm cloud, settling so perfectly in the baskets that it was almost like magic. Probably was; I've been working on this here buckin’ technique since I was a wee filly. Still, even with all the muscle, it was hard work and I was sweating by the time all the Red Delicious trees hadn’t but a spot of red on them.

 

I lugged the baskets of apples into the farm. The apples look round 'n shiny, and I had to resist the urge to take one myself, but those got to be sold. I took a few of the obvious bad ones out, and then took five of the best apples for Granny Smith to make our dinner. I think the oven needs some work - Granny can't make her delicious apple pies without it - but if they sell well today, we can use the bits to fix it. I carried the baskets of fruits by my mouth and my rolling suitcase, which transforms into a stand, to the streets of Ponyville, the very spot where I've been selling all my apples since I was knee-high. I knew they would sell great that day, because of the successful growth of apples this year.

 

I was wrong.

 

The Ponyvilleans barely passed a glance at my stand of apples. I thought they looked rather more high-falootin' than usual, though Ponyville wasn't like that. I was confused by the not-so-casual dresses that some ponies were wearing. They stood out with their shiny gemstones, snarky looks, heads held high. I almost thought I was in Canterlot, remembering the disastrous Grand Galloping Gala. Where I stood at my stand for three hours with only selling two of my produce, almost thinking I shouldn't have come after all. Luckily, after my friends and I came home, those apples were all sold the next day.

 

It was different this time.

 

At best, it was an interested look, but then one of their friends would pull them away, whispering something into her ear, and cast the apples a decidedly suspicious look. Most of the ponies weren’t dressed up as much as them, but none stopped by.

 

I nearly fell asleep at my stand; Princess Celestia's sun was the perfect temperature. It was almost an hour before one of them came up to me - a pink pony with a bright, shiny purple mane, wearing what could only be of Rarity’s designs - and asked, "You're selling those?"

 

"Yes, ma'am!" I replied as brightly as I could, finally relieved that there was a customer, despite the mare's disgusted look. "Two bits for five! An’ only ten bits for a full basket!"

 

She didn't look up at me, and instead just looked at our Red Delicious apples with a keen eye, squinting, almost seemingly like she was sniffing them. What's she tryin' to do? I usually don’t allow customers to touch the apples before buying them, but this time I made an exception, because she was the only pony to come up to this stand after an hour. I waited, trying not to tap my hoof impatiently.

 

"So..." I said, "what can I do you for?"

 

The mare finally finished looking, and poked - rather rudely - at an apple. “This one has a hole in it.”

 

I examined the apple under her hoof, while having to resist my urges of putting on an annoyed face. “It’s hardly bigger than a bean...ma’am,” I replied, trying not to emphasize the last word.

 

"That brown spot looks like a worm might have crawled into it," the customer repeated.

 

I really couldn't help rolling my eyes this time. "It's just...a bruise." Ma'am, I thought sarcastically.

 

She appeared like she did not even hear me, only putting on a terrified face. “It’s disgusting...all the apples sold here must be as rotten as this one!” The mare let out a gasp, taking a step backward, staring at the apples as if it were NightMare Moon scowling at her. “If one of those...things got on my beautiful finish-” She didn’t complete the horrifying thought. Soon there was only but a trail of dust as she galloped off much faster than what I thought a normal high-class pony could.

 

I didn’t have time to react to the mare’s rudeness before all the other high-falootin’ ponies on the street stopped, and they seemed to have notice my apple stand for the first time. I hoped that the red shiny apples would distract them. I thought I saw the look of a buyer, the look that I have been longing for an hour. One stallion came toward me with a basket in his mouth. A feeling of relief flooded me, and I felt so eager to finally sell - then, a streak of yellow, orange, and white knocked me over.

 

I could feel the hooves of somepony- or some ponies on my body. They stepped all over my body and they would have smashed my eyes in if I hadn't blocked them with my forelegs. Nonetheless, I was dazed; there was no comfort in being stomped on, and for a moment, everything in front of me was black.

 

"Well, we aren't getting our cutie marks from golfing, that's for sure," said a voice with a hint of a squeak in it. Sweetie Belle.

 

That ain't gonna be good. Whatever the fillies have put on their hooves, it felt spiky, painful, and I couldn't see. I could hear the sounds of apples splattering against my stand.

 

No! These gotta be sold! They're especially ripe today! No -

 

When I finally got bearings of my surroundings, the Cutie Mark Crusaders have already done their job. Apples were splattered all over the stand, indistinguishable from its original color. My mouth opened; ready to give a severe scolding that Twilight would have been proud of. But nopony was there to hear it. Only a rustling leaf passed by.

 

For the rest of the week, not a single pony came to the lone farmer pony next to the apple stand. And all but five of the apples had a color close to pukey green on half of the fruit. All because of a tiny spot on a fresh red apple.

 

---

 

The spears were uncrossed only after I told them the tenth time. My previous attempts were all met with "What? Really?" expressions, and none-too-gentle commands to repeat. I knew they still don't believe me. As I passed by them, I could hear just the faintest whisper of "lowly cur" from one to his partner. It was hard trying to resist not bucking them in the face, only controlling myself just in time to kick up some dust, sullying the guards' precious armors. Serves them right.

 

The sound of graceful ballet music reached my ears. No doubt that's what Rarity would be playing at her birthday party, twirling in her latest beautiful creation, possibly attracting looks from passing stallions who would take a look from outside the Canterlot Ballroom. Rarity insisted celebrating her birthday in her favorite city. None of us objected, though I know that Rainbow Dash would want to party the Ponyville-style instead of dancing like a high-class pony. But, since it was Rarity’s party, we'll celebrate it her way.

 

My friends were in the middle of the room, following Rarity's graceful dance moves. She sure does look beautiful today, her purple mane, usually curly, now fell straight down past her neck, and the pink Gala dress Fluttershy stitched for her looked even better, with a dazzling feeling. She sure lived up to her promise of looking her best on special occasions.

 

"Applejack!"

 

Rarity almost knocked me down as she appeared, as if out of nowhere, causing me to almost drop my apples. I stepped back from the impact.

 

"Hey, Rarigy. Haggy birfday," I greeted, the basket still in my mouth. Setting it down next to the other presents, I turned back to the birthday mare, who was smiling excitedly; it was not like her to be squealing childishly.

 

"Thank you so much for the present, darling," Rarity exclaimed, digging in to my gift. "What have you brought m - oh." I could see her face becoming downcast for a fleeting moment - so quickly that I almost didn't catch it - but it quickly morphed into a smile. A rather strained smile. "This is great! Thank you for the...er...apples, Applejack."

 

I glanced at the white unicorn, who was quickly turning away, hiding her face from me.

 

"Rarity?" I stepped forward so her face meets up with mine. "Imma sorry...did you want another gift? 'Cause I can give you my apple earrings... they're too high-falootin' for me." I chuckled a bit, putting on my best smile.

 

Rarity smiled at me - weakly - before replying. "Oh, no, that's quite all right, Applejack." She quickly set to unwrapping gifts with renewed excitement, ribbons flying.

 

I left her with her presents and joined the other girls. They didn't look too happy; Rarity styled them from beyond recognition. Almost laughing out loud, I sat down and watched my friends dance. Smooth, graceful music looped from the radio in the corner, the sound of lyre strings enhancing the beat. Awkwardly, the ponies went from one part of the dance floor to another. I bit the inside of my cheeks.

 

The song ended, and my friends collapsed on top of one another, panting hard. I finally couldn't keep in inside anymore, and let out a loud guffaw, rolling on the floor in heaps of laughter.

 

"Applejack...!" Rainbow Dash, gasping like a fish out of water, flew over to me. Her mane, like the rest of my friends, was tattered and ruffled out of place. "You were spared?!"

 

"So... lucky!" Twilight Sparkle panted, looking rather wild with a poofy mane style and sagging eyes. "Rarity wouldn't even let me go without first putting my tail in curls."

 

"For the record," Fluttershy said quietly, "I don't mind - "

 

Pinkie Pie jumped in front of her as if out of nowhere, still bouncing excitedly as always. "Rarity tried this new hair style on me, but my mane just poofed right back! She tried again, but it didn't work, and she tried to make curls out of it too, but that didn't work either, and - "

 

"Howdy, y'all," I replied coolly, as if I had just entered.

 

"No fair, Applejack," Rainbow pouted. "We suffer together!"

 

"Who said she would be spared?"

 

 

 

I'm stuck after that point.

Rarity's supposed to be styling AJ now, and they're all laughing and having fun; just making the atmosphere a bit happy first.

 

So, can anyone with writing experience help me continue this?

[Lightning Fluttershy 1,845]

I can't say I'm an experienced writer but I'm glad I could have been of help so far! I'll try to help you as much as possible when you're stuck.

[Shiki 5,857]

Since a very big theme in this fanfic is Applejack being ignored, quite personally, I would lighten the mood by adding some more conversation and jokes, almost as if the fanfic were to take its turn to a happier story, but then Applejack could overhear Rarity speaking about her and her farmer nature, and that she almost isn't "worthy" of being styled up.

 

I'm not quite sure what kind of message you are trying to send in this fanfic, but so far, what I've gotten is sympathy for Applejack, and having somepony say something like that would emphasise this, but I'm not quite sure what direction you would like to take this fanfic to.

 

So far, the writing technique/style is catching enough to not be boring to read, so good job with that, but it's rather difficult to speak about this fanfic, as it is not finished. If you were to PM me, I could discuss it further, if you would like. I can't type much, because I'm leaving class, lulz. I would like to hear, in depth, what it is you are seeking to show in this fanfic.

Edited October 9, 2012 by Sugar Plum

[Arcanel 3,041]

Well, basically, what Sugar Plum said, although I'm not sure if there's a need to make Rarity the "evil" one, nor any of the rest of the mane 6, just make her get ignored by the other ponies, even though it doesn't follow too much canon UNLESS it's outside Ponyville. Considering she HAS been revered by the entire town on occasions. But again, like Sugar Plum said, I don't exactly where are you heading with this nor what exactly is the message. But anyway, on things I could tell ou to use, in the parts of Canterlot, Sweet Apple Acres, maybe you could add a bit more of Applejack's thoughts, if not outright loud speak. This kind of POV's can be easily interesting, but with too much description instead of, well, personal thought/speak, it's mroe difficult to relate to the character in question. And you could also try to add a teensy tiny more of emotion. I know this is supposed to be serious, but I'm sure she could narrate with a bit more of emotion than that, even if it adds another sentence, like for example, in the "I was wrong" part, you could add another "I was so wrong..." so as to emphasize. Also, Pinkie Pie would look happy regardless of anything, not even with Rarity's almost excessive dress up. And finally, I don't think Twilight would say "So...lucky!". I think she'd be more of the "How?!" speakers.

 

This is just me though. I'm not exactly a professional writer (I'm just a rookie one with two on-going fics ), but I hope I at least helped with something (because I might as well have misinterpreted your way of writing ),

[Wubsie 1,123]

This is a pretty darn good fanfic that you have here...I'm a pretty good writer, but I'm not all that.

I really like this but I do think it needs to have a joke or two in there, it doesn't have to, btu it sure would lighten up the mood.

Like if AJ has to get her hair styled, try to make that a little funny.

[LightRaider 148]

Add some comedy in, but only if it is not supposed to be a sad fic. Overall, this is great so far. (much better than the junk i write) Are you posting this anywhere other than here? If so could you link it?

[Clarity 3,094]

I won't make Rarity look "extra" bad than the rest. She's just going to have fun with AJ, and AJ will actually enjoy it. They'll all be laughing afterwards, including AJ. It's to make the scene a bit happier first. Rarity will NOT be the mean one here.

 

I plan to make it so the rest of the mane five don't seem like jerks, just the rest of Ponyville.

Thank you all for your honest opinions btw.

[LightRaider 148]

I won't make Rarity look "extra" bad than the rest. She's just going to have fun with AJ, and AJ will actually enjoy it. They'll all be laughing afterwards, including AJ. It's to make the scene a bit happier first. Rarity will NOT be the mean one here.

 

I plan to make it so the rest of the mane five don't seem like jerks, just the rest of Ponyville.

Thank you all for your honest opinions btw.

 

I know what you mean. I didn't get any feedback for a while on my story, and it bugged the cheesenuggets outta me. I'm looking forward to this, i hope you plan to continue it.

[Clarity 3,094]

I know what you mean. I didn't get any feedback for a while on my story, and it bugged the cheesenuggets outta me. I'm looking forward to this, i hope you plan to continue it.

I'll give you feedback if you want. Since I'm a novice writer, I've always wanted to meet up with other novice writers so we can help each other out. Are you one?

[LightRaider 148]

I'll give you feedback if you want. Since I'm a novice writer, I've always wanted to meet up with other novice writers so we can help each other out. Are you one?

 

Yup, total new guy here. I've been working on my story since may, but i didn't have my own computer until recently, so I just really got working on it recently. I'll PM you a link to it, so we can stay on topic in this thread.

[Arcanel 3,041]

I plan to make it so the rest of the mane five don't seem like jerks, just the rest of Ponyville.

Um, Clarity? PLease, be careful with that. Unless you actually plan an OOC, the rest of ponyville suddenly turning into jerks when they GAVE HER A TROPHY for being helpful...um, kinda doesn't add up. So you better have a good reason when you decide to do so, so it makes more sense to the story itself.

 

I know what you mean. I didn't get any feedback for a while on my story, and it bugged the cheesenuggets outta me. I'm looking forward to this, i hope you plan to continue it.

 

I'll give you feedback if you want. Since I'm a novice writer, I've always wanted to meet up with other novice writers so we can help each other out. Are you one?

 

You guys just gotta be slightly patient and not let bad criticism put you down. If no one here managed to see it, just try to outright post it in either FanFiction ot FimFiction. I guess I got lucky, because when I posted my first story with no editing whatsoever, I actually got some readers, and most of them were good sans for a troll (which somehow means I did something right ). After that I got inspired enough to continue it, even if it was low amount of people viewing it, because I wanted the few that DID enjoy it, to keep on (my first fic is planned to be longer than Fallout: Equestria, which is said to be +620,000 words ), so I have a lot to write, and got a good idea and inspiration enough to write another. Just be patient, and it might end well. If not, try again. Until lots of things that said something similar to "YOU'RE BAD!", you shouldn't put down your "pen" so quickly.

[Clarity 3,094]

Um, Clarity? PLease, be careful with that. Unless you actually plan an OOC, the rest of ponyville suddenly turning into jerks when they GAVE HER A TROPHY for being helpful...um, kinda doesn't add up. So you better have a good reason when you decide to do so, so it makes more sense to the story itself.

Of course it wouldn't be as sudden as that. In AJ's flashback, Ponyville turned into "high-falootin' ponies" isn't meant to be sudden, either, because it would be revealed later in the story why that is so.