writing Fredericksburg

[longgone 873]

My try at a poem about the lovely battle of Fredericksburg and about General Burnside, whose fool proof plan saved countless lives! (intense sarcasm)

 

All merriment aside, this is basically trying to get across the absolute misery of Marye's heights, where some 12,000 union soldiers were mowed down by shot and shell in a few days. Also involves the capture of Fredericksburg, but it's more focused on the the slaughter pen that was Marye's Heights. I would like to recieve constructive criticism if possible.

 

For those who are unable to open up the doc, here's the poem:

 

 

Fredericksburg

It was in the year of ‘62

In the midst of a civil war

Our regiment full of men so green

All weary of what lies in store

 

In the cold, cold month of December

The orders were finally passed down

We were to take a frosty hill

But not before taking a town

 

We crossed the pontoons on that chilly morn

Apathy fixed in our souls

We pondered whether we would be killed by cannon

Or killed by a bullet hole

 

We entered the town so full of shell

The artillery had done good work

But then, a shot! A man fell down!

Our easiness it did contort

 

“Find cover boys!” the sergeant yelled

We obeyed what the man had said

The air was soon engulfed with smoke

We answered the rebel’s call with lead

 

Street by street, our boys advanced

We soon routed the enemy out

 But that hill yonder, it is our goal

Ye men of valor and stout

 

Our regiment marched in the open field

Our colors so vibrant and bright

Tis them we would follow into the battle

Tis them we would follow to the fight

 

 A blast of smoke, from o’er yonder

In a bloody heap many fell

Men refilled the open gaps

Is this not the entrance to hell?

 

More shell, more shot, came into our lines

Men fell by the bloody scores

But we marched on, through the terror and toil

The fate of death we did bore

 

After companies of men lay still on the ground

We finally ended our haul

We stood at the peak of that frosty hill

We leveled our musket at the wall

 

The word was spoken, our ranks a blaze

The smoke disguised our foe

Pour, ram, prime, and repeat again

Time then began to slow

 

Drop, Drop, Drop

Our men dropped down like flies

Our volleys were pitiful, a futile gesture

No room for compromise

 

“Fall back!” Our officer yelled aloud

Our lives hoping to defend

We left our dying upon the field

They met a most gruesome end

 

Regiment after regiment marched forward after ours

They met the same horrid fate

For our men certainly were nothing more

Then cannon and musket bait

 

Ambrose Burnside, I curse your name!

You are responsible for them!

Good men died, and for WHAT purpose!?

You should’ve been booted after Antietam!

 

So it is now, that I tell you the tale

Though you shall never know their pain

But it is my dearest hopes and wishes

That those dead did not die in vain

Edited December 5, 2012 by HistoricallyInaccurate

[Pan the Fabulous Ferret 2,642]

I would love to read it, but I cannot....  the device I am using is unable to open that file.

 

Would it be possible to copy it to your post so that we can easily view it?

[Master Blade the Bearded 112]

I really liked it. I have always loved poetry, especially that about historical events.

Also, I liked the tempo of this piece. And the rhyme. As much as I love non-rhyming poems *cough* (TheBronyHeart), rhyme gives a piece a certain quality to it.

[longgone 873]

@BronyHeart Aye, i'll do that. The only reason I put it as a word document is so it retains its font.

 

@Master Blade I haven't the creativity to do un-rhyming poems lol.

 

I would sing some of the ponyfied songs I've written however

1. I have little talent when it comes to producing music. And plus, you can't seem to rip vocals from songs. I'd have to get someone to create a version.

2. Puberty has currently rendered my voice crap, I shall wait a while

[MelancholicMemory 2,025]

Wow, I love history and I love poetry, so this poem is perfect for me!

It's well written and captures the tragic event nicely. Good job!

 

This inspired me to write some historical poetry of my own. I'll have to choose which event to write about though.

[Dimitri Hammer 3,645]

I love history and this is pretty awesome!  

 

Good use of the language (Well, I think so...not really a native english speaker ) 

 

Great Job Comrade!

[Pan the Fabulous Ferret 2,642]

MMMMMMMMMM! 

 

I can't  give a fair critique. on one hand, i like the premise and concept. Onthe other hand, thending words in many phrases are iffy. To me they dont flow to the next sentence very easily, which is a primary aspect of ryming poems.  Though it could be that I am reading it in a awkward way.

[longgone 873]

Wow, I love history and I love poetry, so this poem is perfect for me!

It's well written and captures the tragic event nicely. Good job!

 

This inspired me to write some historical poetry of my own. I'll have to choose which event to write about though.

Epic! Let me know if/when you write it, I can't wait to see it .

 

@BronyHeart I think I get what your saying, I kind of lost the rhythm after a few verses. I'll try to fix that later on.