Fan Fiction

[~Chaotic Parsley~ 240]

Hey guys Parsley here starting to create my own Fan Fiction after reading a few of yours hope you enjoy.

 

I am looking for someone to check over grammar and other errors which my first checker doesn't see so if you are interested please inbox me. 

 

Link to story so far, I have someone going over to make sure it sounds good (tho hes mean't to be a checker) so I am looking for someone to do grammar checks but regardless here is the start of it.

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1We4paKvfZQzdq3WU-UYOb7GHmmYWP96KmcskAapInts/edit

Edited January 3, 2013 by Parsleyshy

[Standard User 2,127]

Hey, I'll give it a quick once-over. Do you JUST want grammar or also plot movement, character development, etc? I'll edit this post with an edit in a couple of minutes.

 

 

 

The sun beat down over the residents of Canterlot, in the palace courtyards a violet unicorn was out enjoying the summers day. She took a mighty leap over the hedges when suddenly, she became entrapped inside an sparkling energy field which dragged her towards a mysterious pony delving in the shadows. The mare looked around the field and noticed that it began to start cracking through movement (cracking through movement? So her moving breaks down the field?); she used this weakness to her advantage and struck out with one of her spells. Her horn began to brighten and the field cracked out of control until it circumfused (just pointing out, spellcheck says that that isn't a word) around the mare forcing the shards outwards, knocking the figure down.  
"Nice use of the force field spell, my apprentice," she said, smiling as she dusted herself off, "However you will have to do better than that to surprise me!"
An brilliant azure unicorn stepped out of the shadows and laughed,
"Of course." She lifted her pointed hat off of the ground beside her and plumped it on her head. "Shouldn't we get moving, master?"
The two unicorns began to head over to Rarity's Boutique in Canterlot square.
"You know you don't have to call me master, Trixie."
"I know, it is just I still remember all those horrible things I did to you and your friends all those years ago..."
The violet mare looked up at the other's (here, just others is a little confusing. Try "other mare's") glum expression and wiped a tear from her eye with her hoof.
"That is all in the past Trix, it has been buried for a long time."

The two mares decided to cut through the side gate to the quiet Canterlot gardens to pick up some lost time. They reached the garden gates which shimmered a celestial glow over them. With all of her strength, Twilight preceded (proceeded* Don't trust spellcheck, it may be spelled correctly but be the wrong word!) to drive the wrought iron railings forward, releasing a mighty gust of wind that almost toppled the unicorns. The pair ventured forwards through the gate, stepping onto the rough pathway which crunched under their hooves.
"Don't forget to close that gate Trix." Twilight instructed, "And try to do it quietly, that gate looks like it hasn't been opened in a very long time."
Trixie held her horn up high and concentrated on the gate, whilst Twilight trotted ahead, pebbles brushing against her hooves. Trixie let out a beam of pale magenta which engulfed the ancient gate; she used all her concentration to push it shut, inch by inch. The overuse of her powers began to weaken her and she couldn't keep the charm going.

Come on Trix you can do it, Twilight trusted you to do this! She thought; she dug her feet into the gravel and pushed harder. A stray drop of sweat emerged from behind her cornflower blue mane and trickled down her cheek which distracted her long enough for her charm to fail, forcing the half-open gate to crash shut with a deafening zing (do gates zing?). The mare examined the gate for any damages and, noticing it didn't look damaged, turned on the spot and was hit by a falling object. "Ouch!" She rubbed her head and noticed what had struck her so suddenly. She walked up to the mystery object and noticed a plaque with seven letters inscribed in capitals: D I S C O R D. "I wonder what that means...maybe Twilight will understand." The mare began to head in her companions direction when she heard a loud scream

"Twilight!!" She shouted. Rushing in aid, she found her encased in stone next to a plinth, with the same letters that were inscribed onto the plaque which she found, which stood empty.  (I tried understanding this last sentence, but I couldn't.    ) 

Okay, that should do it. The biggest problem I saw was capitalizing after dialogue and punctuating dialogue. I changed around some sentences so they will hopefully flow better. If anything doesn't make sense, let me know!

Edited January 3, 2013 by Kolth

[~Chaotic Parsley~ 240]

Personally just grammar however if I need some help with plot/character dev I can always ask I've got the plot for first couple of chaps already planned out its just stitching it together with words