writing A Small Section of My Story...

[Naught Important 434]

I just finished writing what I would call a "really good scene" in my story titled "Miraculism"

I would really appreciate some feedback on this scene that I wrote, but I warn you, there is a lot of swearing.

 

The situation is:

The main protagonist of my story, Satyr, walks down through town in order to mess around with the townspeople. Since he is the son of a tyrannous king, he expects people to practically obey him. The people are forced to praise him, or they are punished. Despite all of this, Satyr does not really like being praised everywhere he goes, but he loves to use this trait for his entertainment.

 

One of the side characters mentioned in this scene is named the "Unseen." The Unseen is a person who lives in a forest nearby. Whenever someone enters the forest in which the Unseen lives in, they never come out. Others have been led to believe that the Unseen kills them and feeds off of them. Plenty of people try to avenge all of the lost souls by going out on a hunt to kill the Unseen, but no one has succeeded yet.

 

(Scene begins)

Many cars were speeding around everywhere due to the usual early-morning rush to work. I tried to lower my hat enough so none of them notice me. A few people were outside of coffee shops discussing things between themselves. I overheard that two of the people were planning to go into the Elyth Forest to hunt for the Unseen. They were using the “Wanted” posted for the Unseen as a coaster for their drinks. Like always, they thought using weapons was a good idea. I had to interrupt them and hopefully change their method of capture.

“Excuse me sirs, but I couldn't help but overhear your plot that you plan on using to capture the Unseen.” I said.

 

The more buff one of them turned their head to me. “Yeah, what’s it to you?” He said, in a very rough accent. The other man next to him said, “Calm yourself Clyde, this guy might help us. Don’t want to get into a fight before we do this.” 

I definitely didn’t want to take part in this stupid idea. “Well, I don’t feel like helping you since your plan results in almost certain death. You really need to take it on in a different way. Perhaps, try to tame the beast rather than kill it?”

The buff one spoke up again, “You kiddin’? That thing doesn't care for no one. Its heart is blacker than a night with a new moon. Ya know? You sayin’ our idea is bad.”

“Hang on, Clyde, that might not be a bad idea.” The other man said. “We might be able to do that.”

“What? You think that we should just let it go for all of the people he’s killed? Just like that?” Clyde objected. 

“No, I think we could use his idea as a way to capture it. Hopefully the thing is a girl, if it isn’t then we’re fucked.” The other man said. “Uh, I guess that is a much more risky plan now that I think about it.”

“Sorry to bust into this conversation again, but why exactly are you two doing this? I mean, everyone who has tried to capture or kill the Unseen never returned and probably died. What’s the reward in this?” I said, hopefully just trying to have them just stop this all together.

“Have you not seen all of those posters?” Clyde said fiercely, “There’s a reward of almost a million dollars if we find that thing!” The other man nodded.

“So, in other words, your greedy?” I’m not sure if they even know what they are doing. “You plan on risking your lives for nothing but money and a little fame?”

Clyde looked pestered. “Listen, that thing took my sister away from me. I want to avenge her and kill that little bitch!” Clyde yelled as his tone of voice was getting cut apart by an overdose of anger.

I really don’t want to say this, but I am desperate to find out how he’ll react. “I guess your sister just made the same stupid mistake you are making; going to kill a person that wouldn't kill anyone if it was just left alone.” I said, almost choking on my own words. No matter who it is, I don’t like insulting someone who lost family members.

“What the fuck did you just say?” Clyde shouted, alerting most of the people around him. He stepped furiously out of his chair, knocking it to the floor.

“Sorry, sir, but I’m afraid to say that your sister probably was a victim of human stupidity. I am sure that she wouldn't have been killed if she didn't pick a fight with whatever the Unseen is.” I said, still sort of choking on my words.

Clyde’s face turned beet red in reaction to me saying “stupidity.” “Listen fucker, no one, fucking no one, will ever get away with calling Meranda stupid! You fucking here me?” Clyde yelled, not even thinking about who he was actually dealing with. The other man still at the table blushing a bit.

I really want this guy to charge at me. His outrage is very amusing. “Yes, I heard you, and I am afraid that you are just one of those people who can’t accept the truth.” Adrenaline was surely pumping in my blood. I could feel my heartbeat beating quicker and quicker every second. This guy was sure to snap any second.

“You wanna fight? Come and fucking fight me.” He reacted in just the way I wanted him to: raising his fists and challenging me to a fight.

“Not at all.” I said, acting like I was almost scared to death by him.

“To fucking bad!” he yelled at me again, swinging his fist forward. I took a large step backwards to avoid the hit. 

“You don’t know who your dealing with, friend.” I teased.

He rose up again. “I’m pretty fucking sure I do. A fucking dumb-ass wimp who’s too fucking scared to fight.” Clyde was certainly reaching the peek of anger.

“Well then,” I said slyly, removing my hat, “I suppose that description fits one of us, but I am not quite sure that it is me.” He jumped backward in shock. Thankfully he knows the face of the second most powerful human on Earth by law, otherwise I might have been killed.

Everyone gasped. No one moved a muscle for the next minute. They all heard what he was saying to me, and it would definitely send him to jail -- or maybe even the electric chair -- if my father or any of the guards heard it. Although, I am too nice for that. “Don’t worry, I’ll spare your life this time.” I said as I walked up to him and patted his half-bald head, like a small puppy that preformed his first trick. “But, in all seriousness, stop trying to kill that thing.” With that, I feel like I have put good use to this day. 

(Scene Ends)

 

Tell me what you think if you bothered to read it!

 

 

[the_jetfighter 94]

have you posted the rest of the story elsewhere? i would like to read this! i want to know what happens lol!

[Naught Important 434]

  On 2013-04-10 at 1:09 AM, the_jetfighter said:

have you posted the rest of the story elsewhere? i would like to read this! i want to know what happens lol!

 

I am still in the process of writing the entire story. I just loved this part so much I wanted to post it as a little teaser for my story. I'm glad you liked it!