crossover i need pre-readers!

[repsol rave 2,963]

so i've been writing this crossover fanfic about isaac clarke from the dead space games coming to equestria.

 

one problem: nobody wants to pre read

 

so i'll just stick a link to the googledoc here, and anypony who wants to read it. please leave feedback! i really need feedback XD

 

link: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B-3Q4oljMzB8WGUtS29NN0liMkk/edit?usp=sharing

 

it is my first ever fanfic, so please use CONSTRUCTIVE critisism, not DESTRUCTIVE

Edited June 14, 2013 by repsol rave

[Demonic Soulz 483]

Its interesting...its a bit bland at points but besides that its well made...in my opinion anyways plus I suggest trying to avoid spoilers from the dead space games...just a suggestion

[~Rogue~ 193]

I'm not much to criticize rudely and be destructive, but I'll happily read it for you!

 

A few things. Use spaces after commas like this.

 

I really like to go fishing, but I do like to swim as well.

 

Capitalize names of places, things, and people. Also capitalize the first letter of every sentence.

 

There are several spelling errors and missing space I would gladly patch up for you, however I may have trouble doing so. I'll get back to you when I can.

 

He story is good, it's just missing Capitalisation and spelling, and that can easily be fixed up.

 

-Rave

[repsol rave 2,963]

Its interesting...its a bit bland at points but besides that its well made...in my opinion anyways plus I suggest trying to avoid spoilers from the dead space games...just a suggestion

thanks for the feedback! and the prologue is tha only part where there can be spoilers. i already got the chapters 1-5 done and at the peginning of chapter 1 he gets to equestria. 

 

I'm not much to criticize rudely and be destructive, but I'll happily read it for you!

 

A few things. Use spaces after commas like this.

 

I really like to go fishing, but I do like to swim as well.

 

Capitalize names of places, things, and people. Also capitalize the first letter of every sentence.

 

There are several spelling errors and missing space I would gladly patch up for you, however I may have trouble doing so. I'll get back to you when I can.

 

He story is good, it's just missing Capitalisation and spelling, and that can easily be fixed up.

 

-Rave

thanks man! i was expecting this, since english isn't my native language. but if you would like to be my editer, i'd much appreciate it! and i'll make sure to mention you in every chapter

[~Rogue~ 193]

thanks man! i was expecting this, since english isn't my native language. but if you would like to be my editer, i'd much appreciate it! and i'll make sure to mention you in every chapter

I know English can be hard because Japanese was my first language! it can be very difficult to learn the correct grammar and stuff, but when you get the hang of it, it's easy. I'll gladly be your editor, you don't have to mention me in every chapter though, maybe just at the start or end.

 

I'll proof-read and correct the prologue now and send it to you (probably in a post) somehow. I might not be able to do it with google docs but we'll have to see.

 

-Rave

[repsol rave 2,963]

I know English can be hard because Japanese was my first language! it can be very difficult to learn the correct grammar and stuff, but when you get the hang of it, it's easy. I'll gladly be your editor, you don't have to mention me in every chapter though, maybe just at the start or end.

 

I'll proof-read and correct the prologue now and send it to you (probably in a post) somehow. I might not be able to do it with google docs but we'll have to see.

 

-Rave

bro, you are the best! also, i see you're a monstercat fan. i only just recently discovered the monstercat channel on youtube, do you have any artists you can recommend?

[~Rogue~ 193]

I have the first Page done here. I have to go to bed now though. It took much longer than usual because I'm using an IPad to edit, but tommorow I should be able to get some more done. Here it is.

 

------------

 

 

Dead Equestria: Issac's Final Sacrifice

 

PROLOGUE

 

Issac, why did you fail me?

Why are you still resisting?

The end is near, and the inevitable is bound to happen.

Even now we come ever closer.

We can see you.

We can hear you.

We can almost taste you.

Make us whole......

Make us whole......

Make Us Whole......

Make Us Whole......

MAKE US WHOLE!

 

Issac snapped out of his dream, soaking in his own sweat while panting heavily. It has been a few months since the even on the Sprawl, and Issac had suffered from terrible nightmares. Ever since Ellie left him he couldn't find a good nights sleep. But to Issac, this will soon be the least of his problems.

 

He however had no clue about this, and did what he always did. With a loud grunt, he got up and stumbled towards the coffee machine. Still half asleep, he turned it on, only to find it was not working. "Not this again" he mumbled to himself under his breath, as he gave the machine a whack on its side. As though it was a miracle, the machine came back to life.

 

"Thank god!" He yelled, giving the ceiling of his apartment a praising smile. As the machine prepared his coffee, Issac went to the bathroom, took a quick shower, and put on his clothes. The coffee machine was perfectly in sync with Issac's routine, because when he arrived at the kitchen, his coffee was ready.

 

Now sipping from a fresh cup of coffee, he went through his daily mail. There was nothing really special; just a few last warnings to pay his rent, and a few holomails he had tried to send, only they didn't reach the recipient, so they came straight back to him. He, however had received a newspaper, that quickly got his attention. In big, black letters the entire front page of the newspaper read;

 

"Church of Unitology bigger than ever"

 

Much to Issac's dismay, he all too well remembered the events on the Sprawl, and he knew that damned church was to partially blame for it.

 

But He didn't have time to be angry, as he was hired for his first job in a long time, and he really needed the money. It would be a standard EVA transition of a shock space drive onto a military class ship. Nothing Issac couldn't handle, but he still needed a colleague to operate some of the engines more delicate parts as he slipped the necessary replacements in.

 

That's where Roarke comes in.

 

-------------

 

Message me if you need anything and I should get back to you tommorow because I'm too tired to do it now.

 

That's all!

 

-Rave

 

bro, you are the best! also, i see you're a monstercat fan. i only just recently discovered the monstercat channel on youtube, do you have any artists you can recommend?

Oh Hell yeah! I'm gonna stay up abit longer now just for you.

 

Here are my favourites in no particular order.

 

Tristam - EVERYTHING BY HIM!!!

Noisestorm - Backlash

Pegboard Nerds - Pressure Cooker

Rogue - This is it

Varien - Toothless Hawkins (and his Robot Jazz Band)

 

If you can try and get as many of their albums as you can, mostly 009 - 013. Each album is 10$ on ITunes and they have about 20-30 songs on each, that's less than 50 cents a song!

[repsol rave 2,963]

Oh Hell yeah! I'm gonna stay up abit longer now just for you.

 

Here are my favourites in no particular order.

 

Tristam - EVERYTHING BY HIM!!!

Noisestorm - Backlash

Pegboard Nerds - Pressure Cooker

Rogue - This is it

Varien - Toothless Hawkins (and his Robot Jazz Band)

 

If you can try and get as many of their albums as you can, mostly 009 - 013. Each album is 10$ on ITunes and they have about 20-30 songs on each, that's less than 50 cents a song!

thanks for editing! goodnight my friend

i just bought the albums you recommended. i'm listening to 009 now, and it's amazing! thanks man!

[~Rogue~ 193]

Here is the second part.

 

Isaac never liked Roarke

He always had something smart to say, and it didn’t seem like Roarke liked Isaac too much either. “Fuck it.” Isaac said, shrugging off all that wanted him to stay in his small apartment. Taking one last long sip from his coffee, he locked his door and left to meet Roarke

 

 

“God dammit Roarke” Isaac said to himself. Roarke was already fifteen minutes late, and every minute they weren’t in space repairing that ship, they didn’t earn any money. Fonally, almost thirty minutes late, Roarke showed up. “Hey Isaac! Long time no see, how’s life treating you?”

 

“Fuck you Roarke, you’re thirty minutes late. We almost lost more money than we can make on a job like this because of your lazy ass!” Isaac Shouted. “Woah there kiddo,” temper, temper. I’m here now aren’t I?” Isaac hated it when Roarke called him ‘Kiddo. It almost felt degrading to Isaac, knowing that Roarke was only a mere three years older than him.

“Yes you are, so now we need to double time it to that ship or we won’t make a profit anymore” Isaac said as they walked to the launch site.

“Whatever you say, Kiddo”

“Fuck you roarke”

 

As they both climbed in the small space pod, Isaac couldn’t help but feel like he was making a grave mistake going on this repair mission with Roarke, He didn’t have any time to protest though. With a loud roar of the engines they shot up into the unknown darkness that awaited them.