humor The Restaurant

[Astral Blitzen 469]

Two improvised stories I wrote... They might be NSFW

 

"How many are in your party?" The bored waitress asked with no inflection in her voice.

 

"2! Wait, no, no! That’s not right, uh, 3! Yeah, 3!" she replied while glancing around nervously, she then let out an embarrassed grin "Me, this candy wrapper, and this potato!"

 

"How romantic…" The waitress mumbled in a sarcastic tone. "Right this way please."

 

The mare followed the waitress to the back of the crowded restaurant to a booth next to a window.

 

"Here’s your menu, n-…" She was interrupted mid-sentence.

 

The mare whispered and pointed to the rest of her inanimate friends "We are gonna need more than just one menu".

 

"Oh, silly me!" The waitress rolled her eyes and grabbed two more menus off an adjacent table and placed them in front of the mare’s friends.

 

"Now what can I get you to drink?" She took out a notepad and pen.

 

"I would like some moonshine".

 

"Ma’am, we don’t sell moonshine here, sigh this is a family restaurant".

 

"Then, I would like a glass of white wine, please".

 

The mare looked over at her guests "What would you two like to drink? Mhm…mhm" she looked back over at the waitress, "They would both like water please."

 

The waitress finished scribbling down the orders and left.

 

The mare reached into her sack and got out a small bag of white powder, which she placed next to her, then she reached back into her sack and pulled out a small index card. She glanced around making sure no one noticed her and proceeded to pour a small amount of the powder onto the table. She made three neat lines of it. Pressing one nostril shut, she leaned over table and exhaled deeply through her one open nostril, vacuuming up the three lines in a rapid succession. She shuddered and twitched a few times before dusting the remaining powder off of the table and placing the baggy and index card back into her sack.

 

"D-do I twitch got any on my nose" She asked jerking her head over to the potato

 

"…"

 

"Wha- I do!" She dusted her nose off "better?"

 

"…"

 

"Alright, good."

 

Clack, The sound of the wine glass being set on the table startled the mare. She jerked her head back around staring into the waitresses eyes for a few seconds, her nose bleeding, her mouth leaking with drool, and her chest rising and falling rapidly.

 

"Uh, ma’am, are you O.K?" She said setting the remaining glasses onto the table.

 

"Yes, YES!" She chuckles and then twitches "I am 100% A-O.K twitch."

 

"Whatever, do you need more time to decide?"

 

"Mhm!" A very wide grin formed on her face stretching her cheeks "Just–a–few–more–MINUTES!" she replied in staccato. The waitress left the crazed mare.

 

"Food, food, food… What food is th-there?", she whispered to herself unfolding the menu.

 

"Hay fries, hay shakes, hay salad, why the hay is everything saying hay to me", she looked in the middle of the menu, "Oh, this looks good!", she said under her breath.

 

She turned herself in the booth and raised her hoof, "Ms. Waitress, yoo-hoo!", she did not hear the shrieking mare; this made the mare very irate.

 

"MS. WAITRESS!". Silence had now befallen the restaurant, everypony now stared in her direction. The waitress stomped her way over to the booth.

 

"What the BUCK do you want!", the waitress said seething.

 

"I’m ready to order…", the mare whispered, now drenched in sweat. The blood had dried and her mane was a mess; she kept twitching and glancing every which way.

 

The waitress took out her notepad and pen.

 

"I would like the ’eating raw or undercooked foods may increase your risk of food-borne illness’, please!"

 

"Ma’am facehoof, that is not even a food item".

 

"Really? Well buck. I’ll just have the twitch hay fries", she replied speaking rapidly.

 

"I-is that a-", the mare took the green mane of the waitress and tugged her down so that she was nose to nose with her. The waitress shrieked and squirmed about trying to get away from the mare’s grasp, but with no avail. She could feel the quick, warm breaths of the mare brush against her face. The mare twitched a few times before staring right into the eyes of the waitress.

 

"Let me go! You motherbuck-" The mare turned her head and interlocked her muzzle with the struggling waitress’s; the waitress went quiet and became still, closing her eyes. The mare’s tongue pushed through the mouth of the waitress’s and soft moan escaped her now penetrated mouth. The mare grinded her tongue against her’s and then pulled away leaving a string of drool between the two ponies, which the mare had now slurped up. The waitress was frozen in place. She did not know whether to be aroused, scared, embarrassed, or pissed off.

 

"What the buck was that for!", the waitress yelled throwing her hooves up. Drool dribbled down the mare’s neck and she smiled back, "What!", her sides went into orbit.

 

"IT’S NOT BUCKING FUNNY!"

 

The customers were disturbed by what they just had witnessed. Well most, one blue-maned pony from the crowd let out a wolf-whistle and shouted, "That was bucking awesome!"

 

"You’re just so… hot, that I couldn’t, help myself!", the mare chuckled.

 

"Leave… Now!", the waitress said with bloodshot eyes. She grabbed a butter knife from the table, "OR I WILL BUCKING CUT YOU!", she pressed the blade of the butter knife against the mare’s throat.

 

"WH-WHAT, YOU WANNA FIGHT, BITCH!", the mare exclaimed in a sudden change of mood prying the butter knife out of the waitress’s hoof and shoving her causing her to stumble backwards. The waitress came to and threw herself at the mare enraged. The mare thrust the butter knife forward with all her might. There was a shrill cry of pain that came from the waitress. She looked downwards. The butter knife was handle deep into her shoulder. Blood was trickling down her arm and down the knife to the tip of the handle and onto the floor. The waitress fainted from the sight of her injury and collapsed onto the ground.

 

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He was so reposed. So... Calm, despite the fact that he was being held hostage by the order ponies. The stallion sat with his back against the thin, metal wall of the warehouse, as the order ponies surrounded him. Moonlight filtered in from one of the grated air vents of the warehouse making the whole ordeal dimly casted upon the wall opposite of them. 

"Well, look who it is! How have you been, Sir Real?", a well-groomed pony dressed in a tuxedo made his way through the guards and stopped right in front of him.

"Ya' know... Good, being taken hostage and all, Penguin Suit", Sir Real said with subtle sarcasm, "Do you gotta smoke?"

Penguin reached into his tuxedo pocket and pulled out a cigarette from the box and flicked it at the stallion.

"You have a light too?".

The Stallion took a loose match from his pocket and tossed it to the stallion. 

"Thanks.", Sir Real took the cigarette into his mouth and struck the match against the ground. He held the flame up to his cigarette and took a few puffs. 

"So, waddya' holding me hostage for now, hm?", he blew out the match and tossed it onto the ground. 

"A doll."

"A doll, are you bucking kidding me? You throw me into a back of a carriage, beat me senseless, then keep me in this shithole surrounded by guards for about two days for a DOLL?!"

"Mhm, but this ain't just any doll. This doll was my daughter's. I'm sure you remember Bitter Suit."

"That, little bi-", Sir Real was getting very annoyed. 

"She said you stole it, hm?"

"Why the bucking hell would I steal a damn doll!", Sir Real yelled losing his cool.

"I'm not sure, really, but nonetheless! YOU STOLE IT!"

"Come with me", Penguin said quietly, motioning the guards to stand down. 

Sir Real flicked his cigarette away before stumbling up. 

Penguin Suit stood right in the moonlight, probably on purpose for a more dramatic effect. 

"That doll... You st-"

"DIDN'T STE-"

Penguin Raised a hoof and continued, "You stole was my daughter's only friend", a lone tear dropped onto the concrete floor. Penguin began to pace back and forth.

"I told you, y-you old HAG! I didn't steal your daughter's damn doll!"

"Friend!", Penguin corrected. 

"WANT PROOF?"

"Fine, show me proof that you didn't steal it!"

"Well then drive me to my damn apartment and search it all you bucking want, but you won't find crap."

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