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Am I a toxic brony?

Iam

Entry posted by Iam

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Welcome dear readers to my 2nd walltext on my blog. Prepare yourself, be ready for minutes of reading (during writing of this I had realised I just want to pour out again or rather: to sorrow, because I fell the need again, nothing more). You can respond with feedback - I'll take the feedback no matter of the positive or negative side of the judge. Let's begin. :mlp_maud:

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I know, that when it comes to question like asking about someone's behaviour, you'll get unique answers based on your point of view, way of thinking and personal experiences. Why am I asking myself if I'm toxic? Well, few situations.

1. Friend getting annoyed

I had known him for 2 years (minecraft server), we're been talking on Discord since August of 2k17, we are very inteligent young people (I'm 16, he's 13), who are talking culturally and with class on many difficult topics. For months. Everyday or every few days a new topic comes to discussion and it never gets boring. However, it all changed, when I confessed to him that I'm a brony (May 2k18 from what I remember). He respected me for some time after that confession, althought I was confessing being a more fanatic and fanatic Brony by other MLP or beloved Starlight-related activities. He started to doubt in my "rationalness" when I changed an avatar and a signature to strictly Starlight-related on minecraft forum (June 2k18), shortly after I changed avatar also on Discord to Starlight-related (also June, but late, from what I remember). He started to partially mock me for that, but he still had some respect when it came to pony topics. However when I confessed again (I still had lots of trust to him) that I sleep with 4'' (10cm) Starlight figure and I want to buy a 20'' (50cm)+ plushie for 1 200 PLN (average salary about 2 000 PLN netto), he started to really ride me like on bald mare. He had lost ability to normally interact with me (or I with him, that's also possible), when it came to pony topics. He's talking about a plushie as a "some material" and he doesn't understand why I want to have that plushie. I answer that for my pleasure and relax. Sadly, it's infantile and childish for him.

- How many years do you have? - he asks
- 16 - I answer
- So why you are doing such childish things?
- Why age should determine what you can do? :mlp_huh:
- *dodging answer*

So I fell like he just don't want and won't want understand why I am so obsessed in topic, especially Starlight. It doesn't matter anymore, that I had answered him multiple times. To check my argument, he started to watch S1 E1 - after 5 mintues he said "Stop, I can't take it anymore. What's your favourite episode? I'll watch it instead." - I answered "Every one with Starlight in, but especially S6 E21, because I was laughing so much on them." So he watched the whole episode and commented something like that "Childish humour, made for kids, for girls; and seriously - do you really think that your and Starlight's personality are similar? She's so demanding <and overall not pleasuring>.". I knew from this moment that I won't be able to convince him about my fascination about the show and especially my favourite character. And it was a few more weeks and yesterday after a talk with dear Califorum I decided to block him not temporarily (like last time, when he was constantly sending stupid MLP braindraining parodies and was saying "This is funny, I convice you, this is funny, not some MLP sh*t"), but permanently. Not to mention, that he was constantly swearing when it came to MLP/Starlight topics, because I blurted that too often for him. Anyways, I would block a few more people, but the problem is that this is my...

2. ...Family :bea:

My nearest family consists of two extremes. Liberal and conservative one. When my mum, stepfather, grandma from the mother's side (Ania) are setting positive to me being a Brony, the grandma from father's side (Tosia), uncle and uncle godfather are very worried. When mum and stepfather said that I can have that big plushie, just I need to work hard on it (real work for real money, what else, luckily my stepfather works as alpinist and as a "bottom helper" I can earn money), Tosia states that those money would be better used if earned for driving license, for example. He really seems to be confused, why I like the "girly" show so much. Then, uncle godfather appears and quickly anger at me with: "About what bullsh*t are you talking!? What's the purpose of the such thing?" and uncle ends it with. "It's of course no mine decision, but if you want to buy this autism, then please don't regret spent money, nobody will refund it.". I can't argue with it, because factically I could spend money better, factically I could not buy this plushie and factically I couldn't get money back, if I magically would think that this is not pleasuring me enough, for example. I just want to be happy with myself and that's it. During those sentences were spoken, I was shortly after waking up (so, another reversal enquiry is that I said about that expensive and huge plushie day earlier, in the evening). That means I was really cutting off any discussion or argument by just simply not answering the questions and convering myself with bedding, while lying on mattress. I was hugging to my little plastic HappyMeal figure of Starlight and was wondering, how they could not possibly just accept the situation, that is presented in front of them? I just can't understand the question like "What's the purpose of this plushie?" "Goddamit!" - I said in mind - "Plushies are for making you happy and pleasured and fulfilled! It's so stupid question that I'm not going to answer it!". I was silently crying (tears were dropping on the pillow and figure), I just couldn't figure why the reaction was so negative. I was just only honest, as always, when it came to practiclly anything I do or I say. As an Asperger person I just couldn't accept the possibility of a threat. The threat of no money donations for occassions (birthday and others), because they could go for that plushie, so painful to me, becuse the dream would go away and away, if I woulnd't constantly work for real money myself. I, however, found a cheering up in grandpa from the father's side - Irek. He said, that he accepts the situation, I just need to work myself and earn money myself - which is of course fair and I can't argue. But the thing that family was behaving so not kind to me gived me bad chills.

3. Unhealthy obsession (or maybe it's not "unhealthy" but, just... obsession, without adjectives?) :mlp_please:

It's so obvious to diagnose me as a person obsessed with Starlight and partly with MLP. The amount of Starlight content I have in my nearest extened is at least high:

-> 1200 pictures of Starlight (vectors, fanart) in my cloud, still rising
-> Desktop pictures of Her on PC, Laptop, Tablet and Phone
-> Chrome opening card with Starlight
-> Having HappyMeal figure of Her, going to buy a plushie in the future
-> Watched every single episode with Her (and no episodes without Her with exception of from S6 E3 to S6 E13)
-> I can't watch Her being hurt or struggling very hard, that's the reason why I stopped watching from S8 E14 and I was dropping tears on S8 E13 (wonder why? I'm emotinally weak, I confess)
-> Headcanons/Imaginary Episodes with her for few months straight, going to continue for many years and years later (no exaggeration, even if I'm Asperger, which means I have tendency to exaggerate)
-> Open confession for admiring/adoring her
-> I'm making drawings of Her
-> Thinking of writing fanfic
-> Talking about it and thinking of so many points/arrows  :yeahno:

However I'm not thinking that this is bad. However, is it bad for anyone else? I'm type of person, that likes to have people accepting the actual state, rather to argue with them, why they don't accept the state.

I don't know. I just don't have in mind to poison people with content they don't like. If they would say directly "Please, I don't wish to watch you constantly talking or sending pics with your so freaking beloved Starlight, thanks", I would accept that request and stop talking about that with margin of error that I could blurt it at any moment. And I'm back to the point 1. - that friend didn't say anything like that, absolutely anything related to stop talking about MLP or Starlight, even once. So I don't know how to fell know after blocking him. Do I should fell positive by cutting off my dear friend or negative? It's a difficult question to answer since I don't have any objectival arguments for any side, only subjectival ones.

4. Final thoughts :dash:

What could I say to myself? "Hey, you are a great person, you're unique, keep it that way."? "Don't care for others, who don't respect you and go ahead, don't care."? Or maybe "You are yourself, be free of limitations and nobody can stop you no matter what they are saying."? I'm like REEEEE :glimmer: when I'm conscious of being fanatic person and both wanting and not wanting to be fanatic further (I know arguments for both sides thought), when I'm a man without a soul, because someone makes me hurt, etc. I know it's bad (the behaviour to few individuals), but bizarrely enough, I want more and more of Starlight (rather not MLP as show, since I have some arguments to not watch them as often, as I had done, suggested by uncle [like repetitive and refreshing episodes, not-so-awesome writing resulting in cringy-to-cry moments and so on]), I fell fulfilled, when I see enough of her daily, like watching at least once a day a graphics of her on the Internet or on the disk or cloud or having a figure of her next to my laptop and to me all the time.

Also, MLP community means to me a lot, that's why I'm writing my blog here and not in the other place. Also, I take Bronies and Pegasisters as seriously, as my family, in context of said words and advices.

4.1. Definition of being "toxic"

To clear up what I call a "toxic" person, it's a person, which constantly ruins your life, because of its dumbness and not wanting to hear other people and/or have bad intentions to somebody. If your definition is different, fell free to share.

Thanks for reading, give feedback, if you wish, I'll answer to it no matter of the conjugation.

Note: I didn't make a detailed check for typos and misunderstoods. If you catch any of these, fell free to share, thanks.

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Iam
1 minute ago, LegsKolles said:

I wouldn't equate any of what you wrote to being "toxic", if anything, you don't seem to be the toxic one.

What are your arguments to support your thesis?

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aoEAF2FBvC0MIo2Q

You're young, so I'll be nice.

If anything, listen to your father. He seems to be the most clear-headed here. I'll go further than that and say he'd make a good role model for you. I think you should consider talking to him more and try to understand what he has learned so far in his life. Just keep in mind that he isn't perfect -- only that he has more life experience than you. Certainly, he would have much to teach you.

I think you would do well to strive towards becoming independent. Your priorities seem to be misplaced as it seems you place MLP ahead of becoming independent. By independence I mean generally being able to take care of yourself. This can mean having your own income, your own home, etc. Ultimately, Starlight isn't going to bring food to your table or a roof over your head or pay rent or electricity or heating. Another thing about work that people don't seem to tell anyone these days is that you get more than just money. Perhaps more importantly is learning work ethics. The younger you are when you learn this, the better off you'll be later on.

Right now, it does't seem like you're asking the hard questions about what you want to do in your life. That's not something you want to be procrastinating on. Right now, it seems like ponies and Starlight are the center of your life. This might feel good now but it won't carry you through life. I don't think you intend on growing old with MLP and Starlight plushies and other merchandise. I suggest you start thinking hard about what kind of a life you can lead where you'll be happy. It might help to talk to your father about it. Again: do not procrastinate on this. You might be 17 now but you'll be 20 before you know it, then it becomes 25 and then 30. You do not want to be lost, confused and alone at that age. It only gets worse as you get older. That is why I want you to understand that the time to act is now. Get out there, make some mistakes, learn from them, repeat. It might be embarrassing to fail at things now but people are more forgiving when that person is 17 than when that person is 30. 

Something else I should throw in here -- since you have Asperger's Syndrome, to my understanding, it means you have difficulties understanding social signals. Something I can tell you here is that you should pay attention to how people express themselves when they interact with you or other people. Listen to the tone of their voice, pay attention to the emotions on their face or any other movements they make as they interact. The thing is, social interaction is a life skill and will prove to be important. Asperger's Syndrome just means you'll have to figure out how you'll learn that skill.

I'm feeling bold so tell you what, copy this post, show it to your father and ask him what he thinks.

By the way, if you need some help with English words, you can use Wiktionary or the Polish version Wikisłownik. As a non native English speaker myself, it has helped me tremendously.

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Outnick

Wow and me having like 60 pics of trixie and was thinking it was too much.

So just 2 questions. First, what was the first reason that made you start to like starlight? And what do you most like on her personality? 

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Iam
1 hour ago, Querch said:

You're young, so I'll be nice. 

If anything, listen to your father. He seems to be the most clear-headed here. I'll go further than that and say he'd make a good role model for you. I think you should consider talking to him more and try to understand what he has learned so far in his life. Just keep in mind that he isn't perfect -- only that he has more life experience than you. Certainly, he would have much to teach you. (1)

I think you would do well to strive towards becoming independent. Your priorities seem to be misplaced as it seems you place MLP ahead of becoming independent. By independence I mean generally being able to take care of yourself. This can mean having your own income, your own home, etc. Ultimately, Starlight isn't going to bring food to your table or a roof over your head or pay rent or electricity or heating. (2) Another thing about work that people don't seem to tell anyone these days is that you get more than just money. Perhaps more importantly is learning work ethics. (3) The younger you are when you learn this, the better off you'll be later on.

Right now, it does't seem like you're asking the hard questions about what you want to do in your life. (4) That's not something you want to be procrastinating on. Right now, it seems like ponies and Starlight are the center of your life. This might feel good now but it won't carry you through life. I don't think you intend on growing old with MLP and Starlight plushies and other merchandise. I suggest you start thinking hard about what kind of a life you can lead where you'll be happy. (5) It might help to talk to your father about it. (6) Again: do not procrastinate on this. You might be 17 now but you'll be 20 before you know it, then it becomes 25 and then 30. You do not want to be lost, confused and alone at that age. It only gets worse as you get older. That is why I want you to understand that the time to act is now. Get out there, make some mistakes, learn from them, repeat. It might be embarrassing to fail at things now but people are more forgiving when that person is 17 than when that person is 30. 

Something else I should throw in here -- since you have Asperger's Syndrome, to my understanding, it means you have difficulties understanding social signals. (7) Something I can tell you here is that you should pay attention to how people express themselves when they interact with you or other people. Listen to the tone of their voice, pay attention to the emotions on their face or any other movements they make as they interact. The thing is, social interaction is a life skill and will prove to be important. (8) Asperger's Syndrome just means you'll have to figure out how you'll learn that skill.

I'm feeling bold so tell you what, copy this post, show it to your father and ask him what he thinks. (9)

By the way, if you need some help with English words, you can use Wiktionary or the Polish version Wikisłownik. As a non native English speaker myself, it has helped me tremendously.

@Querch, Thanks for constructive feedback. It means a lot to me, it doesn't practiclly matter that I'm now incredibly stressed right now, because my stomach is aching like it would squeeze.

Back to the topic: I'll underline some interesting things and mark them with numbers, then I'll relate to them:

(1) - Yes, stepfather has very clean- and open-minded. But he's also harsh. Whenever I want to start with him a discussion, he quickly ends and roasts me in just a few sentences. It means, that I don't take enough research for the topic and I have problems discussing things with just him, nothing else. But when it comes to work together, I discuss with him with less problems, althought on not difficult topics, like I want to. Anyways - yes, he is the most clean-minded of all family.

(2) - I am aware of all of this, so I also care for school, education for higher school diploma and work, atlhoguth I care also for my nonMLP-passion, which is growing a YT channel - when I'll reach conditions (1 000 subs and 4 000 hours of watchtime annually), I'll be partially free from eventual working in big-tech prestige companies, which I'm scared, because I worry I won't be able to catch their's discipline. I like to have my own plan of work. I would work alone or with just one helper. Just no big groups, as I see negatives of this (dispersion of responsibility, conformism)... I feel just comfortable with my own road of being and until extreme situation will appear, I won't change my mind (someone would said that father should do instant extreme to me, as my wish, but I don't want just any extreme situations).

(3) - I in theory had known ethics, but I'm consciously sometimes doing bad things, because I watch other people (like politics) and suggestion: Why I can't be like them? Is being good even worth it? Mentally and emotionally of course yes, but financially and materially - problably not.

(4) - I asked about my life question back when going to "Gimnazjum" or "junior high school" and I was very highly disappointed, when in "mathematic and informatic" class I found less lessons of mathemathics than polonistic lessons and only 1 informatic lessons weekly. The argument for not demanding people is that I could do passion at home. But my argument is: I had been drawn in and scammed by the name of the class. If I would know the educational program (which I didn't know), I problably would do other decision. But there's still an argument of doing passion in home. Sorry, but I ask for doing passion in school, because learning is done in school, at least in theory. In home I'm resting, no matter what. Am I wrong?

(5) - Yes, they are, I confess as obsessed. However, no matter if obsessed or not, as Asperger person I claim with pure stubbornness, that I won't quit MLP or Starlight, I feel very comfortable in my imaginated world. And of course at first glance even I can't really imagine myself liking ponies in 10+ years, but I'm sure I will still. About style of life I didn't really think of so, because negative inclination suggests me, that I shouldn't really trust any person, in fact. And I'm conscious that I'm living in real world, not imaginated one. I just want to make "minimal requirements" for real world to make both other people happy (real world) and me (my world). <- this seems so hilarious, but I'm writing it with pure seriousness.

(6) - I don't know about which topic thought, I don't want to selfroast again in eyes of my stepfather. It's difficult to win discussion with him.

(7) - not only difficults with understanding social signals, but the requirements for living in a social world. I, as Asperger, maybe I'm proud of my AS, but I cannot really think of place I would be really happy without any doubts.

(8) - I'm aware of their reactions, I'm aware of details, I however just overinterpretate things and make them exaggerated - it's like: "Oh no, she looked at me with eyes arranging in such position, that they suggest me doing something completely wrong" or "Oh no, the group of 4 people are coming right ahead of me, what should I do, any action can end in something dramatic". I, even with my problems, I like to have a closed community, where I can live as I want.

(9) - Partially same as in (6) + stripping out most of my privacy (because Starlight is now most of the things I'm thinking) is too hazardous idea for me. Even if I know stepfather for 10 years, I would still fear to ask him for sensitive topics, especially sensitive as all my confession done in 1st and 2nd blog entry.

Hope you understand, that I have lots of dilemma. Most of them can be beaten with just "No going back! Just do it or no <insert what I like, computer games, making video, etc.>", it would just feel me so uncomfortable I would be demotivated to do any changes.

Thanks for reading, I'm just saying and talking what I'm thinking and thouthing.

Regards,
Iam

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1 hour ago, Outnick said:

Wow and me having like 60 pics of trixie and was thinking it was too much.

So just 2 questions. First, what was the first reason that made you start to like starlight? And what do you most like on her personality? 

@Outnick, my uncle has 7 500 pics of MLP-related stuff. And to be a true fan(atic) of Starlight, I'm going to beat that number. For now it's about 1 200 pics and about 1GB of space.

First question: I had started to like Starlight just after that infamous stress moment in S6 E1, I had really thought of me being very stressed, when it came to new or refreshed relations, just like Her, Starlight.
Second question: Her way of thinking, I find this way of thinking (especially social aspect) similar to mine, which is a bit autistic, which is Aspergeric... ah, just similar to mine and I'm happy that I have someone I can truly relate too.

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I had been writing those things for... over an hour, but it was a pure pleasure to write such walltext.

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Kevin Tang

1. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your friend. Well, not every person likes this cartoon. Maybe next time, consider to not to bring an MLP related conversation to a normal conversation.

2. Your grandma, Tosia, actually had a good point, you could spend your money on something more useful than a toy. But if you like that plushie and it makes you happy, it should be ok to buy it. This part is the thing that always made me worried when I started liking the show.

3. Ok, that's a lot! I admit. But if I like something (game, TV series, etc), I usually read the whole wiki about it as an example of my interest. So, that's not to weird to have that many.... Photos.... And Starlight related themes... Yeah, actually I don't know if it's weird or not, but I'm pretty sure that there are many people out there who are worse than that.

4. Maybe, in the future, try filtering your content of talks and actions in the future. And from your definition of a toxic person, I don't think that you're toxic.

From your story, now I realized why I'm still an introvert brony or a closet brony till this day. :ooh:

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