Abortion: I am completely in favor or abortion. Especially when a mission looks like a failure. If you don't abort lives could be lost. There was this one time I tried to abort a launch to Mars and I was told no. I lost my entire crew and am still floating in space. Abortion could have saved their lives. I also stink in this space suit. Send Axe please. 

Death Penalty/Prison:  If you take one ... I mean ONE ... of my pistachios you go to jail. The jail will be located in an undisclosed penal colony where there are a whole bunch of penals running around singing Justin Bieber songs. If you take more than one ... I snap my damn fingers. Bye you. 
 

Freedom of Speech:  I am a huge proponent of free speech, unless speech stole my nuts. Then screw speech .... it can rot. 

Guns:  Nerf, Lazor Tag, and Supersoaker should be required by everyone. I am also against people calling their muscles ‘guns’. The F*ck is up with that 80's bullshit?

Economy: Economy is great. Unless you are flying internationally. Then economy sucks. 

Gay marriage:  My views on this have changed. I was once married to a girl named Jess and therefore only supported Jess Marriage. Now, I suppose it is possible I would marry someone named Gay. Though it is unlikely because not that many people are Gay. 

Immigration:  I firmly oppose Antarctican Immigration. Fucking penguins everywhere? Hell no. Also Oompa Loompa immigration is dangerous. Everytime you see them a child nearly dies. They are a threat to our families. 

Religious Liberty:  I will only say this. I once got into a debate over religion with this guy who claimed that there were like hundreds of religions. I had my Pistachio God strike him down then and there. There shall no other nuts before me! Though I am fair. These complaints about the Ten Duel Commandments being in front of state houses is absurd. I mean, it is our civic right to carry Nerf you damn hippie loompa jerks. Also Hamilton! 

Transgenderism: I'm sick of this. I went to Germany once and I couldn't learn their language because each thing had a specific gender! WHAT???? A trashcan isn't a boy or a girl ... its a damned trashcan. Same with the French. The hell is wrong with your language. When I get back on Earth ... WAR. I declare WAR. Stupid Pistachio hating Oopmpa Loompa loving barbarians! Une or Un ... pick one!