This blog is like... quite late but it has finally arrived!

Ohai der

Do you remember the blog entry a little angel? 
Where in 2023 I had found myself feeling so wistful and sad... that a random little boy in Germany was trying to cheer me up by breaking the barrier with humor?

I would like to go into a little more details about this just in case you, dear reader, may glean anything useful from it.

Warning: this blog may begin to sound a little unpleasant but it is actually a good learning experience. Life has both good and bad and it is healthy not to ignore one over the other. And some point, I started ignoring the good over the bad... so.. balance is important. And it is good not to go too much one way over the other.

So, 2023 was truly the year of self sabotage from running into some unsavoury folk who became obsessed with any little power I might have had, to having to deal with some corrupt family situations - also with motives of taking money or power. Even something like missing a forum friend who had passed away was bringing me down. Regardless of whatever was happening, I was becoming sad. And this sadness was slowly consuming me from within in intricate ways. 

@Sophie made sure to take me away on my birthday because some creeps were trying to weigh me down and feed off of my vulnerability.

This is why, for a long time, I struggled with vulnerability. 

I tend to come across as quite stern when confronting matters of a more serious nature and yet some of those creeps/stalkers managed to get inside of my head (using tactics like "sob stories," false narratives of "wanting to help" and even... harsh things like.. (in spoiler due to severity)

The strange thing is, since I was already so vulnerable, being targeted in such a tactical way caused me to further spiral inside of my own mind.

Before I knew it, I had mentally descended to a level where I was reduced to this self destructive, dense of emotions and I started pushing people out of my life who were actually very good for and to me. I felt as though I did not deserve it and I kept trying to prove this with mean behaviour or actions. So, this fed a very toxic loop that I could not stop for some time. It was a combination of too many factors at work.

Apparently, this was part of the plan of a certain group all along but my initial impulse to self sabotage made this possible to begin with, so I am not seeking to cast any blame.

(There is so much depth to this story and the motives of that group but that would need to be a story for another time -- even though it is immensely interesting with a valuable life lesson altogether. I may have to reach out to one of the people that one of them was trying to isolate with a similar tactic, in order to check up on her <3 ) They did do quite a number on attempting to ensure that Sir and I were separated that we may not assist with that but that is another story for another time. (All worked out in the end and the cowards got exactly what they deserved due to the hard work of Sir Hugsalot)

Regardless, in comes my absolute best friend and love of my life (at the time) @Sir Hugsalot to pursue me fiercely and ruthlessly at all costs to no end and no matter how much I may have resisted, fought his dedication or countered, he was relentless.

When I was struggling with vulnerability and many other healthy emotions, he was there. Despite it affecting him, he remained a constant in my life. Even a year later, he makes a blog post about the power of vulnerability  In order to guide me and anyone else who may have needed it. He is just an absolute darling, that way. My shining star in the night's sky.

Not just that, Christmas of 2023 
 
After that whole disaster takes place,
@Sir Hugsalot Takes me into his home, under his family's wing, to show me healthy connections. Family bonding and a beautiful Christmas that was so heartwarming and beautiful that I shall treasure it for the rest of my life. It has had quite a huge impact in my life. But sadly, I am not quite receptive to it just yet. There is something deeply damaged in me and while, believe me, I have had people push and insist and even yell at me to please keep him near for he is good for me and my soulmate...

I am sorry to say that, I just cannot do that anymore. For over a year, I have been telling this beautiful gem to please seek someone who is in a better place, mentally and emotionally. My return to the forums was post pandemic after so many losses and in my heavy pursuit of something abstract that I felt that I had lost. And even after a while, all of the friendships I reconnected with or made along the way only further opened up more questions than answers. So many new discoveries and different cultures and beautiful things to explore! But not quite what I am seeking.

Even with all of that,

Christmas, 2024 
Shall be without him because he has family to take care of who fall in poor health. My taking him away from his home feels cruel and my flying over to another country when I have to fix my life over here feels counter-productive. Especially when my headspace is not truly in it anymore. Instead, I may spend a quiet Christmas on my own, heading over to NYC's Christmas tree to contemplate my life a little more and everything he has done to contribute to my life.

But this is not a goodbye. It is simply a journey. A journey of which he cannot follow me through because it is such a vast contrast to his beautiful nature and I have a lot of inner demons to face, confront and reconstruct from here. And hope for a new beginning of 2025 <3 

There is just so much that I will have to learn about in this life and it means my having to start anew elsewhere in order to grow. The sad truth is, you cannot help someone who cannot help themselves. Or rather, in this specific case, is not open to help. Unless she can do it, herself. Lest it becomes an unhealthy co-dependent situation.

This is why, I wanted to announce that I will be taking the mature steps of parting ways with this precious person of my life <3 Much to his resistance at first, but things are slowly moving along in that peaceful direction so I truly ask that nobody pester him or me with any retorts or attempts to convince him otherwise. This has been a mutual agreement in the making and while I am touched, emotional and honoured by those of you who were fiercely fighting tooth and nail to keep us together... I assure you, this is for the greater good <3 

We will still be united in our goals, like the Sun and the Moon, but on different parts of the Earth, shining our lights in different parts of the world. And to those of you who wish to honour the ship due to how you feel we've united to help your life, worry not, I will find a way for that as well <3 it's been a lovely journey together.


 Symbolic above: Sir and Silky seemingly parting ways in order to expand their glowing light out into the broader world <3 

I would like to say this...

I have had some rather comical moments during 2023 in all of your cheeky attempts to stop this from happening,

I remember discussing with my gentleman friend how I needed to part ways with Sir Hugsalot because he deserved someone who was a lot more stable mentally and emotionally, a lot healthier and lovelier and this friend would slowly shake his head with endearing disapproval and counter with jokes like "If you do not claim him, Silky, then... I will." In order to induce jealousy and a reaction.

And so, you have this gentleman, clad in an elegant suit trying to taunt me with "Take me home, Hugs!" Along with comments of that nature to provoke a reaction.

I laughed so hard because this was so out of character for him. So ridiculous as a concept due to how they would not mutually ever want this. But it also told of how much he felt we needed to reconcile. 

And even funnier still, it actually worked. I did feel a tinge of jealousy, like, "Hey.. no.. das mine!" And so I stuck along further with Sir despite my better judgement. It has been the better of over one year and he even visited me this year for summer just to check up on me and see if this could be something we could work out. But we are both entering a different phase of our careers. Mine will require extra work, his will require potentially advancing his title further as well as cultivating his friends - who are beautiful and have known him for ages! As much as I was requested to come live with him, I cannot do that. I appreciate the offers and the pampered treatments, but it would be wrong. As if this is not enough:

Can you believe this darling person had been isolating himself from the beautiful women wanting to be with him, just to be loyal to me? Terribly flattering! Yet terribly unfair. I've seen all the gorgeous options around trying to get your attention over there.   Stop saying no to beautiful possibilities in life. It is unhealthy <3 

And it was then that I realised...

Love is not about jealousy or "claiming anyone."

It is so much deeper than that... I want him to be happy and that happiness is not something that I could ever provide. I have to figure things out for myself and this is going to take some years. Years I would rather him not waste away in any more unhealthy patterns or dedication. 

However!

That is not to say that I will not be forever impacted by our union together. There will always be a little "aquamarine gem" in the shape of a crescent moon embedded into my heart that has his essence in it. 

My heart was like a Scottish thistle that nobody else was allowed to get near. And yet with him... the thorns and vines would sometimes unravel as if activated by his beautiful moon magic

It reminds me of how in Howl's Moving Castle, anyone who tried to touch Calcifer would get critically burned. Except for his soulmate who could hold Calcifer easily in the palm of her hand and even snuggle!



And to match that little crescent moon in my heart, there will always be a twinkle in my eye with your name on it. You've shown me beauty and love that I believed only to exist in fairy tales <3 
But we have wandered and gone too astray from our original path and I have gone in the opposite direction of which you cannot follow me. You've tried and you only ended up hurting yourself, like Sam trying to follow Frodo on a boat and nearly drowning in his attempt. Sure, like Frodo, I did take you in.. but it only lead to some hardships as my mental health was truly not in the best state where it should have been.

Now this love has become something more of a beautiful, pure and innocent love. Because all of my attention and energy is needing to go elsewhere.

I will figure it out and I will be okay. I promise. So long as you can be healthy or happy, that will be my driving force to keep going <3 

So, the take away:

Try to surround yourself with an environment that helps you to thrive and makes you feel comfortable. Do not compare or notice if others are so far ahead of you. Go at your own pace, even if you feel the need to part ways to get it done, do not push away the good entirely where you might regress but rather continue taking your baby steps forward as much as you can digest.

And most of all, be proud of yourself. You've come a long way and deserve all of the good credit you've accomplished.

Learn to say goodbye to things that are not helping you but also understand that "goodbye" does not always mean "the end," sometimes it is merely a supporting chapter to your story.



Thanks for everything, Sir <3  

Here's to a Phoenix's rebirth of 2025 !